[Jungian Cognitive Functions] Difficulty of Opening Up to Others

[Crescent Fresh]

For I, I have a tendency to hope that those who I cared (or interested in) the most would understand me better. The problem is, whenever I tried to open up myself, I only show people certain sides of me, and hide everything else, mostly due to not wanting to let them down. Of course, this only ends up being more misunderstood from others and further letting me down.

I also happen to try to open up myself "completely," and that seem to make others feel pressured (even with close friends) as they felt tjey could be walking on egg shells if they're not careful enough with my sensitive emotions.

As far as I know, most ENFPs have this great ability to open up "partially" without risking being fully exposed, and yet others won't even suspect that they didn't open up completely to them. I consider that as an amazing gift of people's skills.

I'm still in the process of finding my way and learning how to open up to "certain" people. I know that I push people away to protect my inner self (if that makes sense) while secretly I want to open up to someone without causing them uncomfortable (damn Fe!!! :steam nor being found out or be seen completely (damn Ni!!! :steam

I honestly felt the reason why most INFJs are suffering from melancholy, self-indulgence, or self-pity is a result of failing to open up to others in a constructive manner.

 

[Lauren]

Try not to think too much about who you open to or why. Just do what feels natural. If you don't feel like opening up, don't. If you do, there's usually a good reason. Opening up isn't always desired. There's the saying: If you don't understand my silence, you won't understand my words. It's not conceit. It's just that there are people who will understand and like you no matter what you say or how you say it or if you have no words for what you're trying to say. Aside from that, intimacy takes time. It's okay that you don't open up too soon or at all (with some people).

 

[My Sweet Stalin]

As far as I know, most ENFPs have this great ability to open up "partially" without risking being fully exposed, and yet others won't even suspect that they didn't open up completely to them. I consider that as an amazing gift of people's skills.

I have this "ability" though I'm not sure I'd describe it that way. I don't know if it's an ENFP thing or not (I'm still a bit of an MBTI skeptic). For me, it's like sorting yourself into different boxes, then picking which boxes to open depending on who you're with. The closed boxes kind of slip out of your awareness until you need them. I don't think I can turn it off, so it can actually be a bit of a curse sometimes because it really is a type of deception.

 

[RDF]

If you want some general rules:

In my experience, the name of the game is to be appropriate. If the other person is revealing a lot, then you should too. If the other person is acting cagey and only giving up limited information about themselves, then you should do this as well. An easy rule of thumb: Give the other person exactly the same information they give you. If they say they originally come from Florida, then reciprocate and tell them where you originally come from. And so on.

To the extent that you want to control the flow of information and move the relationship to deeper levels or hold it up at a shallower level, you can identify different levels of revelation. For example, the shallowest level (small talk) includes most biographical info, anecdotes about daily events, and discussion on non-touchy subjects (sports, entertainment), etc. You can usually just ask/offer information with little or no preface at this level. At a deeper level: Future plans, aspirations, desires, likes and dislikes, opinions on touchy subjects (politics, religion, sex) and personal grooming/hygiene type stuff. At the deepest level: Those dirty little secrets you wouldn’t want your mom to hear.

If you think about it, the shallowest level encompasses a tremendous amount of information**. You can keep the level of disclosure there and still learn a lot about the other person or reveal a lot about yourself. And with time, you’ll get a better feel as to when it’s okay and how much to dip into deeper levels.

** Pleasantries (comments about weather, traffic), appearance (comments about jewelry, articles of clothing), work (type of work, work environment), residence (what neighborhood they live in, what kind of housing, yard/garden work), family, background, health, exercise/fitness, interests, hobbies, pets, vacations, movies, books, college, car/transportation, favorite restaurant, music, websites, etc.

 

[Santosha]

^---- that was conveyed very well Fineline. I had never really considered the levels, because I tend to be over-revealing much of the time.

One thing I want to touch on with the OP, is that if you seek connection with people, you have to give your fair share. I think this tends to be a problem specifically for INFJ and INFP. Both are deep and people/feeling oriented, but both have a guard up and struggle to find that perfect balance of connection and safety. While self-preservation is very important for us NF's, my guess is that as an INFJ you are already very well equipped to gage how dangerous someone might be. But there are only so many things we can observe, analyze, intuit, before we have to take a leap, and trust.

I've seen it mentioned that Ni-Fe can tend to be really good at seeing every way something can go wrong. If I say or do this then this, this, and that can happen, etc. It might be a good idea to understand that your a bit subjective with this, and that the reality is that most people are not truly out to hurt us, judge us, take advantage of us, etc. Most people are in the same boat, and fear revealing too much as well. I wouldn't worry that your going to reveal it all.. we are very complex.. even if we made it our mission to completely reveal ourselves, we probably couldn't do it. Definately not without tremendous time and effort. Also understand that what might seem like a huge revelation to you, because you've worked through the whys and hows and what it all means and what it all connects to within yourself.. someone else is not going to be able to make that connection. You were able to make that connection because your you.. but they will probably see it as something alot more random.

 

[mmhmm]

I have a tendency to hope that those who I cared (or interested in) the most would understand me better.

it's the reverse for me.
i find the ones that understand
me first, then work off that.

i just don't think me liking someone
is enough to make that person
understand me.

if they get me, they get me. no
process of trying to open up. it
just flows.

 

[CzeCze]

As far as I know, most ENFPs have this great ability to open up "partially" without risking being fully exposed, and yet others won't even suspect that they didn't open up completely to them. I consider that as an amazing gift of people's skills.

Probably not that great, I've been called out on it a few times.

How much I open up depends on the context and how comfortable I feel with the person. One thing I hate is when people at work are expected to be social with one another or even become friends. It seems like a giant game to me. Then again, I am paranoid. Hence, I don' always open up to everyone

I am on a need to know basis, baby!

 

[Crescent Fresh]

TThere's the saying: If you don't understand my silence, you won't understand my words. It's not conceit.

Beautiful quote, and that is very true indeed. You're spot-on about that!


I don't have time to respond back to other replies and I found many great suggestions just by reading between the lines. I'll come back to this and thanks everyone for your input!