[MBTI General] Is it more or less difficult to be a feeler

[Santosha]

i'm not much good at moving on, either.
but i did love pep rallies!


anyway.

ExFx good things in my experience:
cheering people up, inspiring, motivating, being emotional support, encouraging unity (sometimes enforcing unity), being a trailblazing/troubleshooting leader, very calm when others are having emotional crises, reading "atmosphere" of a group, skilled at cross-communication / translation / mediation, very often externally feeling-engaged, ease of reading individuals and quickly adapting to their emotional states.

ExFx bad things in my experience:
getting lonely easily, needing external engagement to get out of an emotional funk, getting really wound up after more than a day or so without human interaction, being overly demonstrative when i get really angry (the fabled ENFP "Te attack"), that awful empty feeling after the party's over and you're driving home alone (probably ExFP-specific).

SOOOOO true. I really identify with these pros and cons Skylights. And ya, I'm slightly ashamed to admit I loved pep rallies too =P

 

[OrangeAppled]

A little bit of context, I see the I and E functions as about experiencing others as energising or draining, given that would finding others energising or draining make it easier or more difficult if you were using the feeling cognitive trait more than the alternatives? Would you need more or less co-regulation of emotional states or support in a crisis or be more emotionally crisis prone if you are an I or E Feeler?

I see this as more Fi/Fe related than ExFx or IxFx. In regards to the bolded, I prefer to be alone. I process feelings/emotions better alone. From my perspective, FJs like to talk it out (which is not a bad thing). My INFJ needs more "co-regulation" or support in "crises" than I do. I need more of a steady, general support (which I think everyone does in a relationship), and tend to withdraw in crisis (which can be bad). Although, come to think of it, I've known ExFPs who like to talk it out also though (and some who don't)....so maybe it's more of an individual thing.

I don't see Feeling as having much to do with being "emotionally crisis prone" in itself though.

As for who has it harder.....I don't know. I think it's different struggles & the grass is always greener for other types. I feel like ExFx types are less misunderstood in society & have it easier in that way (especially as a woman; we're supposed to be expressive & nurturing & I am not), but then I am an IxFx and that's all I've ever known.

 

[Hopelandic]

I see this as more Fi/Fe related than ExFx or IxFx. In regards to the bolded, I prefer to be alone. I process feelings/emotions better alone. From my perspective, FJs like to talk it out (which is not a bad thing). My INFJ needs more "co-regulation" or support in "crises" than I do. I need more of a steady, general support (which I think everyone does in a relationship), and tend to withdraw in crisis (which can be bad). Although, come to think of it, I've known ExFPs who like to talk it out also though (and some who don't)....so maybe it's more of an individual thing.

I don't see Feeling as having much to do with being "emotionally crisis prone" in itself though.

As for who has it harder.....I don't know. I think it's different struggles & the grass is always greener for other types. I feel like ExFx types are less misunderstood in society & have it easier in that way (especially as a woman; we're supposed to be expressive & nurturing & I am not), but then I am an IxFx and that's all I've ever known.

That has been my experience with infjs' too. I find the difference between myself and the Ixfj I know, is that their resolution style is to consult someone to discuss what's going on. It's strange yet refreshing to be around people who are open to emotional discussion. I tend to need much less emotional support, and something as small as "if you need me, just call" is actually more than enough to me. I find that my independent style of handling my own issues sometimes gets me in trouble with Fe types. They see the withdrawing as me not trusting them, or me disliking them, or even that they've done something wrong. My tendency to support more than be supported with them, sometimes can make them feel guilty. I really don't need to talk about my emotional life to reach a solution. I already know the solution; the processing of the problem is my main concern.

There's benefits to seeking support and benefits and downsides to independent regulation. The ixfjs' i know are very open to seeking support from the right people, and sometimes I think that's a better option than the withdrawing and emotional shut down habit I have. It's well documented in research that seeking others can be a buffer for stress and the negative effects of problems, handling things by yourself only can lead to a greater down time.

People talk about infps' being too "emo" but in reality, I never talk about my emotions. At all. I don't complain either. Internalising my emotions and everything I feel and to not talk about it, sometimes leads to it building up. Only when emotions build up, they become a problem. I would say i've had to develop a myriad of coping mechanisms (exercise, meditation, journalling) to make the most of my solitary style. When I was younger, I was even more clammed up and private. I wonder whether if this is why young infps' have so many struggles.

 

[Nijntje]

Than what?

They're both difficult in their own special way.

How can you adequately judge something if you've never been it? How can you judge solely on theory and rely on that to give you and semblance of an idea as to "who has it harder/easier"?

Lets just say they both suck in their own special and different ways and leave it at that.

 

[Kierva]

Eh, both sides has its own set of problems.

I find it hard to be a thinker when it comes to the mushy bits because it gets all so confusing and then it just leaves you derpfucked. It's just not nice, especially if you're paired with a mercurial feeler. It's frustrating at times.

That being said I want an EFP as a partner, just for the sake of keeping things interesting.

 

[SilkRoad]

That has been my experience with infjs' too. I find the difference between myself and the Ixfj I know, is that their resolution style is to consult someone to discuss what's going on. It's strange yet refreshing to be around people who are open to emotional discussion. I tend to need much less emotional support, and something as small as "if you need me, just call" is actually more than enough to me. I find that my independent style of handling my own issues sometimes gets me in trouble with Fe types. They see the withdrawing as me not trusting them, or me disliking them, or even that they've done something wrong. My tendency to support more than be supported with them, sometimes can make them feel guilty. I really don't need to talk about my emotional life to reach a solution. I already know the solution; the processing of the problem is my main concern.

There's benefits to seeking support and benefits and downsides to independent regulation. The ixfjs' i know are very open to seeking support from the right people, and sometimes I think that's a better option than the withdrawing and emotional shut down habit I have. It's well documented in research that seeking others can be a buffer for stress and the negative effects of problems, handling things by yourself only can lead to a greater down time.

People talk about infps' being too "emo" but in reality, I never talk about my emotions. At all. I don't complain either. Internalising my emotions and everything I feel and to not talk about it, sometimes leads to it building up. Only when emotions build up, they become a problem. I would say i've had to develop a myriad of coping mechanisms (exercise, meditation, journalling) to make the most of my solitary style. When I was younger, I was even more clammed up and private. I wonder whether if this is why young infps' have so many struggles.

Very good points, you're right about INFJs generally needing to discuss things more.

This can cause problems for us though if we vent to someone or bounce things off them, and then their response (for one reason or another) makes us feel misunderstood or judged. Do INFPs have that problem (feeling misunderstood etc) or is not it quite as much of an issue?

 

[CrystalViolet]

Always feel misunderstood. That's why I personally don't vent so much. It's just easier, but then there's the assumption we don't need emotional support at all. That I guess is the most frustrating aspect, particularly if you have been dealing with a problem and your only solution was to voice it. Then you get the whole "I didn't think it was that much of a problem" deal. It often feels as though you can't do the right thing, no matter what.

 

[Synapse]

Being an introverted feeler ain't the bees knees.

 

[Lark]

I see this as more Fi/Fe related than ExFx or IxFx. In regards to the bolded, I prefer to be alone. I process feelings/emotions better alone. From my perspective, FJs like to talk it out (which is not a bad thing). My INFJ needs more "co-regulation" or support in "crises" than I do. I need more of a steady, general support (which I think everyone does in a relationship), and tend to withdraw in crisis (which can be bad). Although, come to think of it, I've known ExFPs who like to talk it out also though (and some who don't)....so maybe it's more of an individual thing.

I don't see Feeling as having much to do with being "emotionally crisis prone" in itself though.

As for who has it harder.....I don't know. I think it's different struggles & the grass is always greener for other types. I feel like ExFx types are less misunderstood in society & have it easier in that way (especially as a woman; we're supposed to be expressive & nurturing & I am not), but then I am an IxFx and that's all I've ever known.

No, neither do I, I'm interested because I'm TJ though and wonder about some people I know who are F, the ones who are more introverted seem to have more difficulty but with the few people who they're close to they are great as both a source of support and need it reciprocated quite a bit too.

 

[SilkRoad]

No, neither do I, I'm interested because I'm TJ though and wonder about some people I know who are F, the ones who are more introverted seem to have more difficulty but with the few people who they're close to they are great as both a source of support and need it reciprocated quite a bit too.

In my experience, I'd say that being INFJ (and particularly 6w5 as I probably am, with the doubt and self-questioning that can add) can be %^$&% awful with internalizing pain, feeling misunderstood, having difficulty moving on and all this sort of thing. Likely this applies to INFPs too. But yeah, being a source of support and needing it reciprocated too, definitely true for INFJs. I know I've managed to be a decent source of support for a number of people, even in real crisis, and I am patient with difficult people and situations, which helps a lot.

However, INFJs often seem to be a good deal better at supporting others than at supporting themselves...perhaps true of many types? It certainly applies to me. The INFJs I know who have had the most success in conquering negative emotions, breaking Ni-Ti loops, being self-disciplined etc have had to put in an awful lot of work. One of my best friends, also an INFJ, who's had most success (for now in her life anyway) is a probable e1, which probably helps her to be more discplined than the likes of me. She's given me some tips recently for improving my good habits and breaking negative thought patterns, and they will be very helpful if I can get my act together to implement them...

And yes, the problem with being good at supporting others is that often others think you're eternally strong and supportive and that you don't need help yourself, and that you never go through crises yourself. Certainly not true of me, and when people assume that about me it can make me very resentful, which obviously doesn't help.

 

[OrangeAppled]

No, neither do I, I'm interested because I'm TJ though and wonder about some people I know who are F, the ones who are more introverted seem to have more difficulty but with the few people who they're close to they are great as both a source of support and need it reciprocated quite a bit too.

That's true to a point for myself...the fact that I would like support in return seems less obvious than with non IFPs I observe. IFPs seem most likely to say that they don't get the same support they give; but it's because we don't ask for it.

Possibly, IFPs are the worst of the Feelers when it comes to communicating feelings, emotional needs, etc. IFJs have the advantage of Fe, which prompts interaction to process feeling, and EFPs are extroverts. Just based on how silent my ISFP (not particularly healthy) step-dad is about how he feels about anything, you'd think he was a T. He's obviously not a T, but he's still not expressive with feelings, sometimes appearing as if he has none. I don't doubt he likely feels he doesn't get the support he likes, but he doesn't appear like he wants any. I see myself in that; I know I'm the same way (but not as extreme), and I try & stay conscious of that tendency in my current relationship, because it's not constructive. So for IFPs, it can be hard to be Feelers because we appear unaffected at times & are treated as such.

Being very expressive with Feeling no doubt has it's disadvantages though. I read a thread here once where ExFJs noted how much they feel they have to hold back, so as not to overwhelm people. They feel they have to restrain their feeling more than they'd naturally be inclined to, and I have to pry mine out with a cro-bar. In American culture, expressiveness is more often valued than not (especially from women), so IMO, they still seem able to function better here than the average IFP.

 

[sculpting]

When i do have strong feelings I tend to suffer from GERD (Ginormous emotional reflux disorder) and thus vomit unsightly spew. I think this is partially due to being extroverted, thus I can appreciate the benefits introversion might offer in a containment effort. However mostly I would just prefer to be a TJ to be honest. Alas, I can dream.