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  1. #1

    Default By the time you know the INFP had a problem, they're long gone?

    I've recently come into watching for this behavior in INFPs and wanted to extend the observation to all of you to get some more input.

    From my experiences I've had first-hand or been around in my personal life, I've started thinking that INFPs may have a propensity for managing (or not managing) their feelings and self-awareness in such a way that while in a relationship, they are not communicative and thus solution-oriented about their dissatisfactions. And that by the time they finally commit to their dissatisfaction and make it known, it is on their way out the door, leaving their partner with no say, no hope, no relevance.

    A little more info thus far would be that I've seen this happen twice with INFJ/INFP relationships and of course when I say "not communicative" that is coming from an INFJs standards. The INFPs seem to harbor a mentality along the lines of that if something is wrong, they "shouldn't have to" point it out. To me that just looks lazy and self-defeating of the INFP.

    If this is a pretty habitual way of handling problems, communication and relationships for INFPs, then I have to say that they sound like really unreliable lovers. And that they will move on completely, emotionally, without your having any idea of it seems outright inhumane to me. Again, though, I am an INFJ.

    So! Somebody call me an idiot and somebody tell me that I'm right? I'm really curious as to whether other people can and have observed this, and would love any opinions on how and why this may be.. especially if I can view this demeanor as simply being different, rather than really lousy.

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    Sometimes I think INTJs have this mentality, too. "You should know what's wrong. Since you didn't psychicly know my expectations, or observe someone like me in past experience, I'm just going to shut you out instead."

    I mean, as an ENFP I honestly do avoid confrontation IRL a lot believe it or not. People on here probably find that hard to believe, but I tend to avoid people who I know I can't reason with at all, or if I know anything I say won't make a damn bit of difference. That tends to be in more casual relationships, though, like people who are practically strangers like landlords, bosses, co-workers, or classmates, that kind of thing.

    With people I feel close - or even have a romantic interest in if I'm not close to them yet - to I tend to want to talk about my feelings and I'm frustrated by people who don't do this at all.

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    I'm not a confirmed INFP and my ex isn't a confirmed INFJ.. but this sounds familiar. Although as Marm said. I ran into this with her. She'd have problems with our relationship, wouldn't say anything then make some sort of secret decision and never say a word. I would mostly bear with a problem for way to long until I got to a near breaking point and then deal with it when it got out of hand.

    I learned to deal with it.. I'd see my own problems coming and try to deal with them before they got too big. Then I'd have to keep an eye on her and try to ferret out any problems that might be brewing under the surface. It was all too tiring, didn't work out.

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    I won't do it anymore. I refuse to try to pour effort into someone like that. It's bullshit.

    I don't know if it's type related, or just self-centered-person related.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Marmie Dearest View Post
    I won't do it anymore. I refuse to try to pour effort into someone like that. It's bullshit.

    I don't know if it's type related, or just self-centered-person related.
    I was about to say that in her case it really wasn't intended self-centered, but it never really is, is it? It was like this little secret star chamber she had in her head, judge jury and secret executioner. She started coming around just a bit at the end.. but ugh.. all the energy it takes.

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    Uhh. No. I can't say im like this at all.

    Sorry. Perhaps you were just with jerks. They can be incommunicative in any type.

    Terrible things happen to good people every day.
    Consequentially, I am not one of the good people.
    I am one of the terrible things.
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    Conclusion: Dinosaurs


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    Quote Originally Posted by StarsPer View Post
    [...] From my experiences I've had first-hand or been around in my personal life, I've started thinking that INFPs may have a propensity for managing (or not managing) their feelings and self-awareness in such a way that while in a relationship, they are not communicative and thus solution-oriented about their dissatisfactions. And that by the time they finally commit to their dissatisfaction and make it known, it is on their way out the door, leaving their partner with no say, no hope, no relevance. [...]
    I thought INFJs were kind of known for that kind of behavior--slamming the door on relationships without explanation. But maybe your own propensity for it makes you sensitive to it in others?

    In any case, I think INFPs can bail on a relationship in a rather peremptory manner. But I think it tends to occur mostly a) when the relationship is still new and the INFP hasn’t fully committed to it in the first place; or b) when the relationship has been having obvious problems and the INFP figures it won’t be much of a surprise if he/she bails out unannounced. At least, that’s when I’ve seen it happen.

    IOW, I can see where the INFP may be prone to bail unannounced at certain points in the relationship when he or she feels that the circumstances simply may not require an in-depth explanation.

    Beyond that, what can I say; INFPs are introverts. They’re not necessarily going to be good about communicating relationship problems. That’s probably going to be true of all introverts to some degree.

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    Senior Member Rebe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by FineLine View Post
    I thought INFJs were kind of known for that kind of behavior--slamming the door on relationships without explanation. But maybe your own propensity for it makes you sensitive to it in others?

    In any case, I think INFPs can bail on a relationship in a rather peremptory manner. But I think it tends to occur mostly a) when the relationship is still new and the INFP hasn’t fully committed to it in the first place; or b) when the relationship has been having obvious problems and the INFP figures it won’t be much of a surprise if he/she bails out unannounced. At least, that’s when I’ve seen it happen.

    IOW, I can see where the INFP may be prone to bail unannounced at certain points in the relationship when he or she feels that the circumstances simply may not require an in-depth explanation.

    Beyond that, what can I say; INFPs are introverts. They’re not necessarily going to be good about communicating relationship problems. That’s probably going to be true of all introverts to some degree.
    Good post. I personally don't like emotional outbursts myself where the person has a problem (a problem that seems a little contrived) and blows it out of proportion in the other person's face. I prefer to do it quietly or not at all. So when presented with a problem in a relationship, I either try to work it out myself (sounds dumb, yeah) like either deal with it or ... well, walk away. I don't like intruding upon someone else, their habits or their person so if they want to do whatever, they can do whatever and either I stay or I leave, either I fit with you or I don't. I don't know why that may be, why I don't just tell the other person that this or that is really bothering me and can you change that because I really like the rest of you? I guess if it was me who was the one with an annoying trait or whatever, I wouldn't be thrilled about ... changing it. Or maybe it's a fear of rejection or failure? Or maybe we want perfection and if we see a flaw, we run like the wind. It is self-defeating in a way and probably extremely obnoxious not to communicate. But we don't do it with ill will. I'd think a honest, blunt conversation can snap the INFP out of their introversion and intense need for self-protection and preservation, and something can change.

    I think it may just be an intense need to self-preserve.

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    Oh, BTW, in addition to what I said above, I can see where INFPs would hate the part where you have to say what went wrong and assign blame for the failure of the relationship, i.e., "It wasn't you, it was me..." or "It just wasn't meant to be..." or "It just shouldn't be this difficult to love someone..."

    Too honest to lie and too tender to be honest, I can see where INFPs might look for any justification for avoiding that particular part of the break-up interview and perhaps opt for an unannounced bail-out or maybe just storm away for good after a petty squabble.

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by StarsPer View Post
    if something is wrong, they "shouldn't have to" point it out. To me that just looks lazy and self-defeating of the INFP.
    i'm like this. i don't really mean to be, and i've really been working on it lately. but when i like someone, i pay very close attention to them, and i'm very good at picking up minor cues as to when something is off. i didn't realize until a relationship a few years ago that not everyone does this, and so if they don't do this it doesn't mean that they don't like you as well. does that make sense? as in, i didn't realize not everyone has the same bizarre stalker-level attunement to tiny minor changes in people that i do, and i didn't realize that the lack of that generally had nothing to do with how much they cared about me. though being ExxP, i'd always get bored of being reclusive and grumpy after about an hour or so and then just get angry and vocal about it instead. i also am very bad at shutting anyone i actually like out. lol. my "doorslams" on SOs last all of, oh, 3 hours at most. i could see an INFP staying quiet-angry for longer, though, because they don't need to interact with people like i do. i had a cute INFP boyfriend who was sort of a communication fail like that. he'd just go hide in his apartment and grump around and play video games until someone bothered him.

    to be fair, on the other hand, from experience in several NFJ relationships and a few friendships, NFJ communication is also very unclear sometimes. i've never met an NFJ i would call particularly communicative. not that you guys aren't skilled communicators - you're usually very skilled facilitators and diplomats - but you're not usually very open about yourselves and your own feelings about things. i find with my good NFJ friend that i have to coax her deep feelings out of her - sometimes it feels like pulling a tooth, all just to get down to what's important. i guess that seems a little intrusive of me, but i don't know how to respond to her and help her until i understand what's important to her in a certain situation. over time i've come to know her well enough that i'm usually quite good at guessing, but it's still not easy. and by the same token, NFJs don't always give a very wide range of behavior allowance for an NFP to play in - like if i don't walk the straight and narrow (and invisible) path the NFJ thinks is best, the NFJ could be quite cold to me. that can really make it hard for an NFP's general operation, which is to be pretty fluid and open. that may feed into the reason for an INFP not voicing things.

    imo, FP/FJ differences have a HUGE impact in relationships, especially between NFs (i think that must have something to do with how N obscures and "bends" F, as opposed to more up-front and clear SFs).

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