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Thread: The dynamics of dating/wooing/romancing an INTJ

  1. #1
    Junior Member Array SweetieDee's Avatar
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    May 2011

    Default The dynamics of dating/wooing/romancing an INTJ

    Hello everyone!

    This is my first post, and of course it's about being idealistic and the topic of love.

    I am an INFP who has been talking to and, well, kissing, an INTJ for almost two months. He is unbelievably intelligent, and above all else, I adore his intelligence. The fact that he is incredibly attractive doesn't hurt. We have the most amazing conversations, and I get the feeling that he is highly amused by me. He considers me intelligent as well, and I know that he appreciates that quality in me.

    He initiated the first conversation, approaching me as soon as I walked into the bar, and asking me if I wanted to throw a chair across the room. His oddness initially intrigued me and somewhat made me retreat into myself a bit until I talked to him more throughout the night and realized he just had an offbeat sense of humor, which I thoroughly enjoy as I'm a bit eccentric as well. Then I warmed up to him, and all kinds of magic happened. We talked all that night and he wouldn't leave my side.

    He began texting me on a daily basis, initiating most of the conversations with a "Good morning beautiful!" He took me out for drinks a week later, and came over to my house and hung out one night. I've been to his house a few times in between, and everytime it is with his initiative. On the weekends though, when I've asked him if he wanted to do something and hang out, he would have a reason not to, which would hurt my feelings because I of course was getting attached and wanted to spend time with him. Something in me was telling me I was being kept at arm's length, and I don't know him well enough to know what the reasons could be for that.

    I did notice though, on the two occasions that we did hang out on the weekend where it was my idea, I didn't come right out and ask him to be with me. I said, "So and so band is going to be at so and so bar. Hope to see you there!" His response would be, "I'm thinking of making an appearance." And he would.

    He seems very aloof at times though, and the texting can go in stages of a daily basis, constantly through the day...or a random text after a few days, asking me how I am.

    For some reason, I get the feeling that he is the one who is supposed to initiate things...and conversation/hanging out needs to be his idea. I also get the feeling that he really likes me, finds me attractive, enjoys my company, etc. But at the same time, he seems distant and like he is analyzing everything to make sure it's a good fit.

    That's where we are right now. He actually is an Engineer, and left for Mexico this Monday to be to be gone for three weeks for a job assignment there. On Sunday, he wanted me to come over and hang out. He also gave me his plant to take care of while he is gone. I know I'm going to miss him, and I'd like to think that he is going to miss me.

    To wrap it up, I just want to ask these three questions:

    1. Have you ever been in a relationship with an INTJ?
    2. What does it take to woo an INTJ?
    3. Does it take awhile for an INTJ to warm up to the idea of a relationship, or does an INTJ think about it for so long that it ends up in limbo?

    I feel like there is enormous potential here, and I am being very patient with the process, because I like perfection and want to make sure it's a good fit as well. But his process is definitely more distant than my instinctual process is.

    Enlighten me!

  2. #2
    Senior Member Array
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    May 2010


    Quote Originally Posted by SweetieDee View Post
    He initiated the first conversation, approaching me as soon as I walked into the bar, and asking me if I wanted to throw a chair across the room.
    That's awesome!

  3. #3
    Certified Sausage Smoker Array Elfboy's Avatar
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    Nov 2008
    5w4 sx/sp
    SLI None


    I'm not an INTJ, but I think I can help
    1) be your normal INFP self, they will love that
    2) be sensual, but not in an imposing way. if you are a confident INFP, this will probably be easy for you
    3) INTJs do not approach you approach you sexually unless they really like you. you've already won
    4) don't be afraid to show your eccentric NFP side, unlike most types who view us as weird or random, INTJs love this and find it extremely sexy.
    Edit: unlike NFPs, most INTJs are kinda secretive. even if they like you, warming up to you is a gradual process (unlike an ENFP who is more than willing to tell you their life's story when they don't even know you and will probably want to hear yours if you're comfortable lol)
    ENFP: We put the Fi in Fire
    5w4>1w9>2w1 Sx/Sp
    Papa Bear
    Motivation: Dark Worker
    Alignment: Chaotic Neutral
    Chibi Seme
    MTG Color: black/red
    Male Archtype: King/Lover
    "You are a gay version of Gambit" Speed Gavroche
    "I wish that I could be affected by any hate, but I can't, cuz I just get affected by the bank" Chamillionaire

  4. #4
    Senior Member Array Onceajoan's Avatar
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    Apr 2010


    Sweetie - looks like you two have a good foundation for a relationship.

    Please understand that an intj needs A LOT of space and independence. They also do not want to be pushed around by anyone - especially their significant others. An intj male (or a entj male - are you sure he's not entj) will want to take the lead usually. The suggestion you gave to see the band play was good by the way. You weren't imposing your will - just making a suggestion. This is an important part of the relationship to recognize.

    He sounds much more sweet and warm than the intj males I'm acquainted with - maybe it's just because he's smitten by you INFPs have that effect on INTJs.

    Piece of advice: don't get him thinking you're his sparing partner or debate partner - that could lead to disaster. Let him debate with some of his engineering buddies in their own nerdy way. Of course he wants an bright companion who can make intelligent, witty conversation - try to keep it light - not a competitive game. Keep your identity seperate from his. He'll respect you more if you show you can live your own life. Although not always, INTJs can get a bit possessive and controlling. Use your INFP sweetness and charm to make him surrender. His intellectual prowess and logic skills are no match for your ability to melt his (sometimes) cold heart. If you haven't figured out, the passion you each possess makes you great in bed.

    My background: I consider myself INXJ - mostly tested INTJ - but lately INFJ. ex is INTP (engineer), daughter is INTP (aspiring lawyer) - both love debate.

  5. #5
    Anew Leaf


    1- I dated one for 4.5 years.
    2- lol. I was just myself for the most part. I made him paint with me and watch Disney movies. I asked him to teach me chess. (one main reason I love NT types is that they help satiate my love of learning.) he ended up trying to teach me how to be an INTJ.
    3- I am not really the kind of girl who needs titles established super early so he ended up being the one to put his foot down and say "uh, hi you're my girlfriend." still took a few months for him to get the gumption up to saying it. (and he still thinks it was his idea. I can out INTJ an InTj if needs be. Or wait.... Does he just want me to think that I think he thinks it was his idea?)

    Some tips:
    1- be as direct as you can be. Their Ni ability will pinpoint when you aren't tell the truth anyways.
    2- give him plenty of space.
    3- learn to love the little signs of Fi-love. After the initial romance phase it won't be very overt anymore.
    4- don't be a doormat, challenge him if you feel up to it.
    5- have fun! It can be a very satisfying, stable relationship for INFPs

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