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  1. #1
    Senior Member Malkavia's Avatar
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    Default Getting Over Myself

    I debated a lot whether to post this. It can be easy to paint a very flat picture of yourself if you're not careful. Just to say before I start I have gotten a TON better at this, however, its not fully gone (which I want to it be). I have yet to figure out "how" I've gotten better, which is why I would love to hear everyone's opinions.

    I am very comfortable in my own skin. I love who I am and my MBTI type. At my best I'm creative, ambitious, focused, and I work great with people. I make friends quickly and make people feel at home immediately when they meet me. I have bee able to focus my passion and accomplish much more than the average person my age. I have been VERY blessed to be where I am right now.

    At my worst, however, I take EVERYTHING personally - even petty, petty things. I attach myself to people and am unable to act independently (which drives me crazy). I also over analyze relationships (both romantic and platonic) and make myself believe things that are illogical and false.

    How do you learn to control these things? Most of them are ridiculously selfish (i.e. my friend called someone to vent to instead of calling me.) How do I keep myself getting angry at things that obviously aren't meant to be personal slights against me? I take things personally even if they are completely irrelevant to my life. I selfishly find a way to connect it back to me no matter how irrational that justification is.

    The best state of mind I have reached is noticing when those emotions appear and not acting on them. I've became very skilled at not letting those emotions of jealously and insecurity define my actions, but thats not good enough for me. I want to eventually be at a place where those things are not my first reaction. I want to make things be able roll off my shoulders easily. Even better, if I can not even NOTICE these irrelevant things, that would be nice to.

    Does it come with age? Maturity? I'm pretty young (21) but I don't like the "it will get better as you age" answer.

    Any opinions or advice? Thanks!

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    I think it may be something that comes with age. I TOTALLY RELATE to internalizing things that aren't about me and taking it personally, or getting attached, dependent, and jealous.

    Three things:

    1) Things that people do aren't about you, they're about them. Even if it is directed at you specifically, it's still about their thoughts, feelings, and values. You can choose to try to step out of the situation and view it more objectively. It is easiest for me to do this with platonic friendships rather than romantic relationships, though. My life has become so much better since I've acquired more ability to see that what people do is about them and not about me, even if it involves them insulting me. A lot of things don't faze me at all anymore. It depends on the person, though. I still want people to like me, and care more about certain people's opinions more than others.

    I think this may require developing more Te. I think this is about Ne/Te, but your Fi still plays into it because you're developing the ethic of keeping your boundaries where they should be, and that benefits you. It will center you, so it's totally about Fi even though it seems more like using Ne/Te.

    Trust me when I say I had to go through many years of things to even be able to do this. You're very young so forgive yourself and love yourself.

    2) The only person you can control is yourself. When I realized that it's easier for me to adjust than to try to change other people, that was a big epiphany. You can express your feelings, but you can't make anyone treat you the way you want to be treated. You have to decide whether you can adjust to them, or walk away, and only you can decide that.

    3) Learning not to immediately act on the emotions is good. Stop and think. Don't disregard your emotions though - acknowledge them, accept them as valid, and analyze them if you need to. No feeling is wrong - there are just unpleasant or less productive ways of acting on those feelings.

    I really do think this is all about Fi maturity which has taken me a while, let me tell you what. I am still trying to get my Fi healthier, to be more centered.

    Taoism has helped me, so has surrounding myself with loving people instead of angry ones.

  3. #3
    Lungs & Lips Locked Unkindloving's Avatar
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    Personally, I think a good deal of this is because you acknowledge your own capabilities and have a degree of paranoia when others are not seeing the same things in yourself that you see. Definitely tell me if I'm off-base, but I do a lot of the same and it's because of that reasoning. I start to question myself through the eyes of others, regardless of how secure I am about me. I want to be viewed by outlanders as highly as I view myself.
    You already know you are extremely capable, qualified, and comfortable in who you are. You are seemingly quick to jump to why others are picked ahead of you in the line. If it's the case, it's insecurity wrapped up in an air of self-confidence. Something inside of you is seeking that validation, as well as stability. Maybe a big part of this is the fact that you'd like to prove that you can go against the ENFP stereotypes of being flighty and unreliable in ways, while still being true to being an ENFP. You have a lot of the drive that says "I can do it", yet there are always people overshadowing your attempts, unless you are one-on-one with them.

    A bit of a way to get beyond it is more of the "IDGAF" attitude. Do for you, and it will be seen and pursued by more people. Don't overextend yourself nor your emotions, but be sure to communicate when need be. If you bottle these things up too much, they can become worse. It's another one of those balance things, where you need to pick and choose which situations are healthy to ignore and which ones will eat away at you. Respect yourself enough to speak up when it is truly grating, you know?
    I would say a lot of it comes with a greater sense of self and your own validation being the 'only' validation you need.
    Beyond this, make note of what is going well in your life and interactions. Embrace those things, and try to recognize that you cannot win them all. Also, that a good deal of the time it really has nothing to do with you in ways. Some people just mesh differently than others, have different life experience, or just exude a vibe. You are no less of a person for those differences. You are also no less of a person if the wrong choice is made over choosing you.

    As per my own experiences with you, it all resonates with what I value in perspective and people. You are realistic while having a fantastic outlook on life, especially throughout college. You're a good-hearted person that is aware of other people, as well as being grounded. You are also extremely relatable, which I value immensely. We can bounce thoughts, ideas, and experiences back and forth to find some commonalities, or find new places to explore in the differences. You'll vibe with my flight mental blather. I can't say that everyone values these things, or understands the importance they may have. I also can't say the same in regard to myself for other sorts of values, but you must recognize what is valuable in yourself and who it resonates with. Ask if you have to, because it's better to understand these things from a direct source than it is to twiddle your thumbs as you sweat the reasoning.
    I'm tired, doll, but I hope this was somewhat cohesive
    Hang on traveling woman - Don't sacrifice your plan
    Cause it will come back to you - Before you lose it on the man


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  4. #4
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    Oh also, making yourself believe things which are untrue or illogical involve your Ne-dom jumping-to-conclusions mat.

    Ne loves to imagine all of the terrible possibilities (YOU DONT LOVE ME ANYMORE, et al) and Fi picks the worst one, and you act on it. I KNOW. I'VE DONE IT.

  5. #5
    meinmeinmein! mmhmm's Avatar
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    i just took some time off.
    face myself. like really,
    face myself... because
    that's hard to do. then
    things kinda make sense.

    never too young or too
    old to start looking inwards
    without any attachment.

    just whether you have the
    discipline to keep at it or
    not. always easier to look
    the other way and not
    yourself.

    with that said, i didn't
    start doing all that til
    after my mid 20s.

    meditation was one
    of the methods that
    helped me.
    every normal man must be tempted, at times,
    to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag,
    and begin slitting throats.
    h.l. mencken

  6. #6
    Senior Member Malkavia's Avatar
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    Sorry it took so long for me to reply guys. Thanks for your help!

    Quote Originally Posted by Marmie Dearest View Post
    I think it may be something that comes with age. I TOTALLY RELATE to internalizing things that aren't about me and taking it personally, or getting attached, dependent, and jealous.
    Yay That makes me feel better.

    Quote Originally Posted by Marmie Dearest View Post
    Three things:

    1) Things that people do aren't about you, they're about them. Even if it is directed at you specifically, it's still about their thoughts, feelings, and values. You can choose to try to step out of the situation and view it more objectively. It is easiest for me to do this with platonic friendships rather than romantic relationships, though. My life has become so much better since I've acquired more ability to see that what people do is about them and not about me, even if it involves them insulting me. A lot of things don't faze me at all anymore. It depends on the person, though. I still want people to like me, and care more about certain people's opinions more than others.
    Thanks. This is good advice. I think this is what I have begun to do subconsciously and its helped a little bit, however, knowing how to put this process into words will help me stay focused on it.

    Quote Originally Posted by Marmie Dearest View Post
    I think this may require developing more Te. I think this is about Ne/Te, but your Fi still plays into it because you're developing the ethic of keeping your boundaries where they should be, and that benefits you. It will center you, so it's totally about Fi even though it seems more like using Ne/Te.

    Trust me when I say I had to go through many years of things to even be able to do this. You're very young so forgive yourself and love yourself.

    2) The only person you can control is yourself. When I realized that it's easier for me to adjust than to try to change other people, that was a big epiphany. You can express your feelings, but you can't make anyone treat you the way you want to be treated. You have to decide whether you can adjust to them, or walk away, and only you can decide that.
    I agree, but how far do you go before you're ALWAYS changing yourself for other people? Its the balance of being flexible but also expecting something out of your friendships and relationships.

    Quote Originally Posted by Marmie Dearest View Post
    3) Learning not to immediately act on the emotions is good. Stop and think. Don't disregard your emotions though - acknowledge them, accept them as valid, and analyze them if you need to. No feeling is wrong - there are just unpleasant or less productive ways of acting on those feelings.

    I really do think this is all about Fi maturity which has taken me a while, let me tell you what. I am still trying to get my Fi healthier, to be more centered.

    Taoism has helped me, so has surrounding myself with loving people instead of angry ones.
    Thanks. It can be hard - understanding your feels but not acting on them. It almost seems like you can only do one or the other. Its a hard balance.

    Quote Originally Posted by Unkindloving View Post
    Personally, I think a good deal of this is because you acknowledge your own capabilities and have a degree of paranoia when others are not seeing the same things in yourself that you see. Definitely tell me if I'm off-base, but I do a lot of the same and it's because of that reasoning. I start to question myself through the eyes of others, regardless of how secure I am about me. I want to be viewed by outlanders as highly as I view myself.
    You already know you are extremely capable, qualified, and comfortable in who you are. You are seemingly quick to jump to why others are picked ahead of you in the line. If it's the case, it's insecurity wrapped up in an air of self-confidence. Something inside of you is seeking that validation, as well as stability. Maybe a big part of this is the fact that you'd like to prove that you can go against the ENFP stereotypes of being flighty and unreliable in ways, while still being true to being an ENFP. You have a lot of the drive that says "I can do it", yet there are always people overshadowing your attempts, unless you are one-on-one with them.
    Hmm... I will have to think about this. I didn't really get an "aha!" moment when I read this, so I dont know if its completely true, but I think you're on to something. I think it may be close to what I am feeling. I really think I'm enneagram 3 and because of that I want to be #1 all the time. Any time I'm anything less I get annoyed or frustrated.

    Quote Originally Posted by Unkindloving View Post
    A bit of a way to get beyond it is more of the "IDGAF" attitude. Do for you, and it will be seen and pursued by more people. Don't overextend yourself nor your emotions, but be sure to communicate when need be. If you bottle these things up too much, they can become worse. It's another one of those balance things, where you need to pick and choose which situations are healthy to ignore and which ones will eat away at you. Respect yourself enough to speak up when it is truly grating, you know?
    I would say a lot of it comes with a greater sense of self and your own validation being the 'only' validation you need.
    Beyond this, make note of what is going well in your life and interactions. Embrace those things, and try to recognize that you cannot win them all. Also, that a good deal of the time it really has nothing to do with you in ways. Some people just mesh differently than others, have different life experience, or just exude a vibe. You are no less of a person for those differences. You are also no less of a person if the wrong choice is made over choosing you.

    As per my own experiences with you, it all resonates with what I value in perspective and people. You are realistic while having a fantastic outlook on life, especially throughout college. You're a good-hearted person that is aware of other people, as well as being grounded. You are also extremely relatable, which I value immensely. We can bounce thoughts, ideas, and experiences back and forth to find some commonalities, or find new places to explore in the differences. You'll vibe with my flight mental blather. I can't say that everyone values these things, or understands the importance they may have. I also can't say the same in regard to myself for other sorts of values, but you must recognize what is valuable in yourself and who it resonates with. Ask if you have to, because it's better to understand these things from a direct source than it is to twiddle your thumbs as you sweat the reasoning.
    I'm tired, doll, but I hope this was somewhat cohesive
    Thanks You're advice is always good to hear.

    I agree, I need to learn I only need my validation and no one elses. Now I just have to figure out HOW to do that.

    Quote Originally Posted by Marmie Dearest View Post
    Oh also, making yourself believe things which are untrue or illogical involve your Ne-dom jumping-to-conclusions mat.

    Ne loves to imagine all of the terrible possibilities (YOU DONT LOVE ME ANYMORE, et al) and Fi picks the worst one, and you act on it. I KNOW. I'VE DONE IT.
    Ugh, yes. I've heard this before and its terrible. I want to learn how to make my Fi pick the BEST possibility, not the worst.

  7. #7
    Anew Leaf
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    Quote Originally Posted by mmhmm View Post
    i just took some time off.
    face myself. like really,
    face myself... because
    that's hard to do. then
    things kinda make sense.


    never too young or too
    old to start looking inwards
    without any attachment.

    just whether you have the
    discipline to keep at it or
    not. always easier to look
    the other way and not
    yourself.

    with that said, i didn't
    start doing all that til
    after my mid 20s.

    meditation was one
    of the methods that
    helped me.
    This is what worked for me. The me that was a few years ago is about 360 degrees from the me today. I needed time alone out of any relationships plus some strong life changing events to get myself back to Fi square 1.

  8. #8
    mod love baby... Lady_X's Avatar
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    okay...my brain may be sleepy. i'm not quite sure i get what you are saying.

    are you saying...you often feel overlooked...under appreciated or not considered? like your feelings get hurt and you feel less important to loved ones than they are to you?
    There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first.
    -Jim Morrison

  9. #9
    jump sleuthiness's Avatar
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    Wakes usually do the trick!

    thinking of you

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