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Thread: Anger

  1. #1
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    I'm feeling a lot of anger at the moment. It is mostly pent up but it bursts forth once in a while.

    A lot of it seems to be resentment, more or less directed at people who I feel have taken advantage of me or misunderstood me. But it seems almost disproportionate. It's probably one of those typical INFJ subterranean buildups. One day you wake up and realise you're a lot angrier than you thought you were.

    Maybe it is also partly directed at myself. Because I suppose where I've been taken advantage of, I've walked into the trap myself, to a certain extent. And misunderstandings, well, I've probably made mistakes there too.

    The worst is when you've even confronted the person over how you're feeling, and while it may be painful at least you're being honest. And you seem to have resolved it with them. And then a few days or weeks later you realize you still feel resentment...

    I'm definitely having problems with letting things go. I've always had problems with letting really major things go. The trouble is that now I feel like the less major things are building up too. I believe in forgiveness and I don't want this in my life/psyche.

    How do you INFJs and NFs (and anyone!) deal with this? I really don't like feeling this way. I'm not typically an "angry person".
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  2. #2
    Diving into Ni-space Crescent Fresh's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    I'm feeling a lot of anger at the moment. It is mostly pent up but it bursts forth once in a while.

    A lot of it seems to be resentment, more or less directed at people who I feel have taken advantage of me or misunderstood me. But it seems almost disproportionate. It's probably one of those typical INFJ subterranean buildups. One day you wake up and realise you're a lot angrier than you thought you were.

    Maybe it is also partly directed at myself. Because I suppose where I've been taken advantage of, I've walked into the trap myself, to a certain extent. And misunderstandings, well, I've probably made mistakes there too.

    The worst is when you've even confronted the person over how you're feeling, and while it may be painful at least you're being honest. And you seem to have resolved it with them. And then a few days or weeks later you realize you still feel resentment...

    I'm definitely having problems with letting things go. I've always had problems with letting really major things go. The trouble is that now I feel like the less major things are building up too. I believe in forgiveness and I don't want this in my life/psyche.

    How do you INFJs and NFs (and anyone!) deal with this? I really don't like feeling this way. I'm not typically an "angry person".

    Believe it or not, I've been right in your shoes just a few days ago.

    Yes, the issue has to do with struggling to let things go. Though it's quite interesting that you've mentioned about the issue of resentment. The way I see it is that, INFJ is typically very easy-going to those who we don't feel a need to dwell a deeper connection. Sadly, once we have found that special connection with someone, our emotions also got interwined. And resentment usually starts when things are falling apart, and mostly due to misunderstanding.

    As Introverted Intuitive, we "know" things by staying in touch with our own intuition, not directly through what we see in front of them. This makes communication very difficult because we can't easily explain what we feel or know to people that only understand what they see.

    To make matters worse, our "Fe" cause a huge paradox of what the rest of the world can sense how we feel, but not how we understand things. They also do not understand how we deal with our thinking side, which is also Introverted. One minute we are sharing praise or comforting people and the next minute we are critical. We are usually very honest in projecting our feelings, holding our tongues doesn't always help because we just can't hide how we feel.


    Lately people look at me like I am from another planet when I talk which makes me feel bad and want to withdraw to my little corner of the world all the more. The problem is, I still strongly believe in my own intuition but when others strongly rejected this, I often felt even more suspicious of them. Then it depresses me further later due to the huge gap of misunderstanding.

    I also found there is never was anyone around to help me either. Part of the reason for that is because it is difficult for INFJ's to accept anything from others. We are so used to others (especially Extroverts) draining us that (because of our strong Feeling function and because we are Introverted) we could never see ourselves draining others. People just get used to taking and not giving.

    Just a few days ago, I had an experience like this. Someone I had been helping for literally years with a personal problem refused to extend himself in the slightest to help me with when he perfectly knows that I'm in a depressive stage.

    Unfortunately, this constant disappointment with people makes us withdraw even more. We need to be careful that we don't take on other personality traits as a means to escape into a better world.

    The way I deal with my own resentment toward others is this. Try to make an effort to better explain what you are thinking not just what you are feeling. I would suggest trying to understand not only yourself. Generally speaking, people don't hurt us because they are mean. They hurt us because they either don't understand us or they don't understand themselves. As INFJs, we are blessed with a far greater ability to understand. We should use that ability to improve our lives as well as those around us. The easiest way to do this is to relax and save your energy for that which is truly important. Try to demand nothing from everyone when you feel resentful, and a lot less from yourself. I know this isn't easy as INFJ does want attention (or to feel loved) when they're in the worst shape (which contrast to ENFP, as they tend to not wanting to be bodered by others at such stage), I do believe that it's better to demand nothing but just to calm down on our own and hopefully all of the disappointments will be faded away eventually.

  3. #3
    meinmeinmein! mmhmm's Avatar
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    i get over myself. and 95% of it goes away.
    every normal man must be tempted, at times,
    to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag,
    and begin slitting throats.
    h.l. mencken

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    Diving into Ni-space Crescent Fresh's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by mmhmm View Post
    i get over myself. and 95% of it goes away.
    Is that in public? I felt it's quite common for ENFPs to cool it off on their own within a short period of time if they're surrounded by people.


    Though INFJs seem to be the opposite, it's really hard for us to bottle things up when we felt extremely stressful or angry. And of course, usually things can turn up pretty ugly at times (blame it on our Fe).

  5. #5
    Senior Member Santosha's Avatar
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    I will throw in my NFP take on it. Alot of the time I have a problem with the other side of the coin. I don't think I hold on to resentment as much as I should. (That sounds insane, i realize.) But it's true. People will do things that upset me, and I feel it really deeply in the moment, but then it just disappears. It disappears because as soon as I feel bad, I start thinking about how I don't WANT to feel bad, so I just let it go. It's hard for me to articulate exactly how this process works within.. but I think INFP's and ENFP's (to some extent) do have alot of control with shifting emotions. Feel bad? We just change our perception.

    Maybe this isn't so easy for a J. It might come back to the INFJ not entirely knowing how they feel in the moment, so having a delayed affect after a few hours or days or even weeks of self analysis. After you analyze it, your concluding that the other was in the wrong and your justified to be hurt. But you might even be feeling a bit vulnerable for not recognizing it right off the bat, almost encouraging that not only were you wronged, but also deceived.

    Crescent Flesh had good advice on trying to focus on what matters. I think that is how as an NFP, I let go so easily. I understand that people can only hurt me as much as I allow them to. That I am responsible for my own feelings. So I try to objectively look at it (many times giving the perpetraitor even more credit than deserved) by saying 1) In what ways has this really affected me? Did it affect something tangible, or is it purely emotion? If it is purely emotion, then I can control how I feel it or view it. Do I need to put up more warning signs to the other person, that they are crossing the line? Do I need to communicate better so I am not misunderstood? Nothing is set in stone. I can always go back and re-clarify what I meant so understanding is improved. I can also always go back and explain why It hurt me, hoping the other person will avoid this in the future.

    Maybe, if your unable to shift your perception or emotion to just not being hurt, then you need to consider what can make this hurt better. Would you feel better if there was a consequence to the other person? What would be a fair consequence? What can you do to neutralize the circumstance, so that you feel it has been handled appropriately.

    Also, and this is so cliche, but try to focus on the good, both in the moment and of the situation. No matter how bad the situation is, there is always good. Even if its just that we learned something about the other person, or ourself, or our limits, or how we need to be more upfront with expecatations, or, how we can not trust someone.
    Man suffers only because he takes seriously what the gods made for fun - Watts

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    Senior Member Santosha's Avatar
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    I also have a thought about how NiFe might play out with angers and hurts. Because the Ni intuition moves through lines of past to current to future, I wonder if when feeling a negative emotion, the INFJ connects this feeling strongly to past events, current events, and then feels overwhelmed with how it will play out in the future? Maybe I'm off base, I readily admit I don't understand Ni very well... but IF you think this might be true, then you might want to force yourself to isolate the hurt to what it truly was, that one incident, and understand that you can control it not moving into the future.
    Man suffers only because he takes seriously what the gods made for fun - Watts

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    reborn PeaceBaby's Avatar
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    How about this - when an Fe user is angry, they look outside to see why they feel angry. When an Fi user is angry, we tend to look inside. The solution for each of us is to take the balance point - Fe users need to look IN more, and Fi users need to look OUT.

    Your anger may not be so much about other people and how they have taken advantage of you as it is directed towards yourself for allowing yourself to be taken advantage of. An Fi user in the same situation would tend to blame themselves for being taken advantage of rather than assigning ownership to an offending party.

    The solution? Forgive yourself. Treat yourself as well as you treat others, and realize that you will grow from this and learn to set better boundaries. Not every future interaction will be tainted with the present.
    "Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one."
    Eleanor Roosevelt


    "When people see some things as beautiful,
    other things become ugly.
    When people see some things as good,
    other things become bad."
    Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by PeaceBaby View Post
    How about this - when an Fe user is angry, they look outside to see why they feel angry. When an Fi user is angry, we tend to look inside. The solution for each of us is to take the balance point - Fe users need to look IN more, and Fi users need to look OUT.
    Your anger may not be so much about other people and how they have taken advantage of you as it is directed towards yourself for allowing yourself to be taken advantage of. An Fi user in the same situation would tend to blame themselves for being taken advantage of rather than assigning ownership to an offending party.

    The solution? Forgive yourself. Treat yourself as well as you treat others, and realize that you will grow from this and learn to set better boundaries. Not every future interaction will be tainted with the present.
    Quoted for pure winnage and the truth.

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    Crying? Screaming in the car or the shower? Punching something? Exercise?

    I don't know I'm pretty ENFP in that I feel anger and dispose of it (though I've learned to do it in slightly less confrontational ways as I've matured, which is why I made the above suggestions). I don't have the INFJ "subterranean buildup" where I didn't realize I was angry. I don't ever tell myself I'm not an angry person. I used to feel like my anger made me strong, and it did help me out of certain situations.

    I actually had to learn the opposite of an INFJ, I think, when it came to my anger. But it has to do with childhood issues, too.

    I would also suggest self-care. I don't know if FJs are as good about self-care as FPs. Remember that YOU are important and take care of you first, that might also make you feel less angry.

    Also, talk it out with others maybe?

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    Quote Originally Posted by Huxley3112 View Post
    People will do things that upset me, and I feel it really deeply in the moment, but then it just disappears.
    YES. THIS.

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