Whenever Anger topics come up on this forum, I'm at a loss to really contribute - mostly because I tend not to experience Anger towards other people. I actually don't think this is 100% a good thing - I think it means I am totally always adjusting to see other pov's, such that I then become incapable of becoming truly angry with them - when perhaps I really should be. Or.. maybe I just hang out with totally awesome people and weed out the ones I know I'd become resentful towards? lol.
In a situation where I think most people would become angry, it's like I bypass that and then I always turn it back on myself and become mad at myself for 'not knowing', or getting involved in the first place, or not knowing myself well enough to know that I shouldn't have done such and such, or not knowing until much later down the road what some of my needs actually are. This actually came up yesterday - I was counselling an INFJ friend going through a breakup, telling her that I think one of our pitfalls that probably won't ever go entirely away is the subjectivity we have in terms of our needs - that our needs can be flexible depending on the situation/context/person at hand -> I recognize within myself that one thing I do is that I might ride something out for a while, simply because I honestly don't know if I'm ok with it or not. So it's only later on that I might realize I'm in fact not cool with it, and in the end just can't adjust and it's not me. Big negative side of the Ni coin here, I think (well, lack-of-significant-Fi-coin, rather). That, combined with belated need recognition, can be a recipe for, well, not being selfish enough and not putting our needs at equal level with the other person. Not accepting help, and setting up a dynamic where the other person - rightfully so, probably - thinks we don't actually need anything. So yes, in a way we are the ones who create all of this.
So for myself, all anger/irritation tends to be directed towards myself in the end - I might initially think I'm angry or hateful towards the other person, but when I examine it more closely, I realize it's mostly me being pissed off at myself for 'not knowing', or not being self-aware enough, or any number of other things.
The solution? I guess... I dunno, I've gotten a little better about this in recent years. Just stopping the self-bashing thing. And being kind to myself. Knowing that I have stumbling areas and recognizing those and treating them as 'facts'. *Believing that a mix of selfishness and selflessness is a good thing to strive for in a relationship. It's never a good thing if you're pulling all the weight, either by flexing an inordinate amount, OR not being open enough when you're not happy or something is bothering you. ALSO being ok/thankful for people who help you out, and letting people do that.*. Finally, always keeping the big picture in mind -- life is short. Moving onwards. Putting the past behind me. (But I also sense that it may be a bit easier for me to do this than what I've read of other INFJ's on this forum -- I've never really been one who's wanted to hold onto the past. I want to be done with unpleasantries and move on. I'm only in control of myself and what *I* do and say, and have no control over anyone else - if they do something of their own volition, so be it. They're free/entitled to do so. And if I don't like it, I can choose to move on; or bring it up and talk through it and express what I actually think/feel, and see what they do in response. Life is ahead of me. Live and learn. But then I think... I guess it took me a number of years to really get to this 'place' where I could do this more easily. I can't give an easy 5-step answer as to how I did this though. )