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  1. #1
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    Default INTJ courting the xNFJ

    There are two women I'm currently attracted to: An ENFJ and an INFJ. And now I'm pretty clueless about what to do.

    What INTJ attributes are there that could possibly be attractive to them? We're talking about women in their mid-20s. Any ideas on how to approach this?

  2. #2
    4x9 cascadeco's Avatar
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    Well firstly, I have no idea what qualities/attributes are attractive to *these particular* xNFJ's!! I mean, there isn't consistency amongst a given type on who they find attractive and what type of relationship dynamics they want! There are xNFJ's on this site and irl who are happy with ENTP's, ones who are happy with INFP's, ones with INTP's, ones who are happy with ESFJ's.... and so on. So that needs to be said first.

    I can say though that I am involved with an INTJ, and what I think makes our relationship 'easy' is that we both approach the world in the same way - via Ni. There is very little misunderstanding, as we can see each others' pov pretty easily, and also by nature our minds tend to shift and accommodate pretty easily - internal world is a bit more malleable, and we share that, and it's the external that is more rigid. With the latter bit, that makes the relationship 'easy' too - we're both ones who desire closure, and plans, and we therefore both have things we're working towards / it makes planning things together very easy, simply because we both like to plan and have that structure. And I can trust in him, absolutely, that he'll do whatever he says he's going to do. And vice versa. Those are some very high-level things.

    Generally, though, there's no 'method' I'd say you should be following in terms of courting. If you like them, then just show your interest by making plans with them, asking questions, spending time with them, etc. And if they like you, they'll show their interest too. Word of caution with the INFJ... because in some ways she'll approach relationships very similarly to you, it might take a while to know what's going on or whether she's interested. Both INxJ's can be pretty cautious and layered when it comes to that, and if one doesn't take the lead, it could easily just remain in a status of going nowhere (this can be the case with any I/I pairing though, I think).

    Just some thoughts. Take with a grain of salt!
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  3. #3
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    You really think so? I don't think it's completely random. I'm quite sure the biggest gap is that between N and S. And E and I seem to attract each other very well in within their categories.

    Regarding function: I do think as a Ni user I hardly have problems communicating with other Ni user (as you explained). And Ne user are attractive to me too... to a degree Se dominants would never be.

  4. #4
    4x9 cascadeco's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fragrance View Post
    You really think so? I don't think it's completely random. I'm quite sure the biggest gap is that between N and S. And E and I seem to attract each other very well in within their categories.
    I don't think it's totally random, no. I agree that there ARE trends, and there are reasons I think that certain pairings are more touted than others. And, I think that certain pairings are going to imply a lot LESS common ground, and consequently more stumbling blocks, than other pairings. Obviously though stats begin to fall apart when you're looking at a single isolated individual (rather than just general group trends), and also when you factor in the Love aspect - hence my first paragraph.

    For me personally, and anecdotally based on those I know? It's more common for N's to pair with fellow N's. But there seem to be plenty of N/S couples out there, so what do I know. [The question is - are they happy/fulfilled? Or missing connectivity on some key level? Who know.] As for E/I, it's probably half and half - different positives and negatives to each combo. As for F/T, that's variable too - some F's end up not dealing well with T's and desire fellow F's, other F's are fine with or prefer T's.

    Edit: The only other reason I'm blathering about all of this is because I know there are a couple of INFJ's on this forum who pretty much hate the traits that I adore in my INTJ, and they're partnered with people I myself would have no interest in.
    "...On and on and on and on he strode, far out over the sands, singing wildly to the sea, crying to greet the advent of the life that had cried to him." - James Joyce

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  5. #5
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    Be mindful that although INTJs and INFJs are both Ni-doms, they do apply it in different ways. Best advice I can give at the moment.

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    Quote Originally Posted by cascadeco View Post
    The only other reason I'm blathering about all of this is because I know there are a couple of INFJ's on this forum who pretty much hate the traits that I adore in my INTJ, and they're partnered with people I myself would have no interest in.
    Yeah, there are hardly any conversations about xNFJ-INTJ relationships. Sad thing. Too many posts about ENTP makes me jealous.

  7. #7
    Senior Member ceecee's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fragrance View Post
    There are two women I'm currently attracted to: An ENFJ and an INFJ. And now I'm pretty clueless about what to do.

    What INTJ attributes are there that could possibly be attractive to them? We're talking about women in their mid-20s. Any ideas on how to approach this?
    Well, my ENFJ would say he likes to watch the my intake of information then the calculations/measurements/assessments that take place in my head. Other would assume I just hadn't heard. He's also fond of the straightforward cutting through the bullshit, efficient way of running daily life and my planning. I could be very rigid with these things but because I am married to him, I developed a softer edge to these traits. They (ENFJ's) seem to love us, maybe because we look like we could really use their special kind of loving.
    I like to rock n' roll all night and *part* of every day. I usually have errands... I can only rock from like 1-3.

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