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[ENFP] ENFPs, love, obsession, or myth???

Hexis

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May 14, 2007
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all i know is that i can't even read this thread without being terribly embarrassed and want to hide. i'm glad we love ourselves and all but damn really it's a lil too much for me.

eta: so...i have a million posts in this thread already. i had forgotten...great...but the op is still embarrassing HEXIS!! :devil: anyway...whatever...i'm having no part in the ego stroking...got it.

One I completely forgot this thread existed, and two...im not embarrassed in the least. Whats the problem?! :devil:
 

TheHollyLlama

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Oct 21, 2010
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Whew - this is something that I've complained about for a while.
Within two weeks of entering a relationship, they love me. They want to marry me. The world is indeed rainbows and unicorns.
After a month or two my novelty wears off - and what they originally misconstrued as "love" reveals itself to be nothing more than their desire to not be alone or judged.
Is this everyone that becomes involved with me? Not all - I would say about 8 out of 10.
I'm currently in a functional, normally paced relationship with my INTJ mate. No random marriage proposals or talk of "forever".
Man - it's so nice.
 

Vamp

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Jul 2, 2010
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So after converseing with another ENFP we both realise that other people tend to "fall in love" with us very quickly. Not saying that its "true" love their feeling but rather they grow very attached and think they fall in love, not sure rather or not its real. So it makes casual dateing very difficult, hell to tell the truth I havent casually dated since I was in middle school and of course that doenst count lol. So what im wondering is if this is a common thing for ENFPs like us and if your not an ENFP what is it like dateing us.

I know we are pretty much the cupid of personality types and relationships, especially intimate ones, are our biggest concern. But I didnt realise how powerful of relationship masters we can be, even with out conscious thought we make others "fall in love" with us.

So all thoughts appreciated.

Most of my nastiest break ups romantic or platonic have come from me not knowing the other person liked me so seriously.
 

skylights

i love
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hah this is a crazy thread.

admittedly, for all the inner people-understanding i usually have, i have complete crush blindness. i'm so shitty at gauging other people's feelings towards me.

people also often think i like them more than i do :doh: not that i hate them or anything, i have a certain degree of love for everyone, but i'm not always as excited about being with them as they think i am.
 

boondocked

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I keep on wondering whether I don't take enough responsibility for the way men often feel about me. Though I don't mean to exactly, I do create emotionally heightened environments around myself and anyone near me (that's word for word what my ex-boyfriend's current girlfriend told me) often enough that I think I need to start taking some responsibility for the fallout.

Even with a boyfriend who I've been with for a year, I still run into boy trouble. The guys always know that I'm with him (long suffering ISFJ, lurve him!) and love him, but these men still feel betrayed when I don't want anything more than we've got. Somewhere along the line, this MUST be my fault. And I've definitely received my fair share of criticism for it.

In the past, I've always just ignored the criticism and sort of flipped my hair and said "It's natural for me to act the way I do. What do you want me to do, rein my natural personality in?" I'm starting to think, "Yeah, maybe." Just cause it's natural doesn't make it right. But how to rein it in??? Creating relationship is suuuch an elemental part of me!! Maybe I should just be friends with girls...
 

Moiety

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There are a million ways to interact Boodocked. Try to take yourself out of the equation when interacting with people. Don't ask "what do I feel like doing or saying or talking about or where do I feel like going".

I've found that lately I'm a lot more calm in social settings. Less expressive. Because I don't need to express. I think ENFPs love attention, and we even come up with clever arguments to justify that nothing that we do is to get attention...but deep inside we know that sometimes it is...because we love some attention every now and then.

If we forfeit attention completely, not care about being ignored....not care about EXTREME adrenaline-inducing experiences....just chill utterly and completely....it can be very cool...and it's less hard on other people.

Not to say that when we are all zany other people don't love our company....but if we take ourselves completely out of the equation.....I dunno, there's just a "marinating" sort of pleasure that can be drawn from it. It's about not needing or wanting to stand out and being completely okay with it.
 

Lauren

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Dec 7, 2008
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I keep on wondering whether I don't take enough responsibility for the way men often feel about me. Though I don't mean to exactly, I do create emotionally heightened environments around myself and anyone near me (that's word for word what my ex-boyfriend's current girlfriend told me) often enough that I think I need to start taking some responsibility for the fallout.

Even with a boyfriend who I've been with for a year, I still run into boy trouble. The guys always know that I'm with him (long suffering ISFJ, lurve him!) and love him, but these men still feel betrayed when I don't want anything more than we've got. Somewhere along the line, this MUST be my fault. And I've definitely received my fair share of criticism for it.

In the past, I've always just ignored the criticism and sort of flipped my hair and said "It's natural for me to act the way I do. What do you want me to do, rein my natural personality in?" I'm starting to think, "Yeah, maybe." Just cause it's natural doesn't make it right. But how to rein it in??? Creating relationship is suuuch an elemental part of me!! Maybe I should just be friends with girls...

I've read enough posts here by ENFPs (and I recently met one and have probably known others that haven't declared themselves as such) that I think I have a feel for what you mean. I'm also a more extroverted "I", though a definite introvert. As a result, I understand what you mean about attracting the kind of attention and desire from men that you don't want. I can see from the EFNP I recently met that it's natural for him to make a connection. I'm not attracted to him and so I just take it for what it is: a man being who he is (he told me he's an ENFP). I light up around ENFPs because they're easy to talk to, enthusiastic, and open. They open me up, but it doesn't always mean I'm attracted or interested in something deeper. I think it's difficult for ENFPs to rein in their desire to create relationship. I think that desire is wonderful and creates connections with people that might not otherwise occur. There's nothing wrong with wanting to connect. I also love that. But, I feel I do more naturally what Moiety says: I take myself out of the equation most of the time because I don't have the energy to do otherwise and I prefer it that way. It's much more difficult for an ENFP to do that. I think I've read here in another post that the problem is that most people don't expect to be paid attention to or listened to. So when an INF or ENF does that, they interpret it as something deeper than it is. I've withdrawn myself from certain conversations and become more restrained because I feel some men get the wrong idea. As somone advised me, people can take care of their own feelings. I don't have to do that for them or believe I'm the sole cause of their distress. If someone is becoming interested and I don't intend them to, as I said I tend to become quiet and not say anything too personal while still letting them know that I like them and their company.
 

boondocked

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Those are some solid comments, Lauren and Moiety. I suspect that it's all part and parcel of the ENFP growth arc (and the arc of any E, maybe?) to gain the ability to consciously take ourselves out of the picture and pull away a little, when necessary. Probably part of it is being more conscious of what we're doing. I know that I def don't take a step back, mid-conversation to evaluate whether I think the person I'm talking to is getting romantically entangled. I could though. And it's really starting to seem as if I should.

And I think you're right, Lauren. One of the romantic things we naturally do as NFPs is train a laser focus on other people. My Dad says it makes him feel like he's being studied under a microscope, but everyone else seems to love it. Sometimes I've kinda got to roll my eyes when ENFPs and ENFP lovers talk about our spectacular, bewitching charm. Yeah, we're charming and all, but that isn't what people are primarily responding to. They are responding to us responding to them!
 

Lauren

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That laser focus, so true. I love to listen and connect with others because at the heart of things, for me, is what is happening in the moment. Some of those moments will stay with me forever as the most real, honest alchemy with another human being I'll ever know. I'll only know that if I take the risk to open up or to simply listen and be present. It may sound, I don't know, calculating to some...but it's not at all that way. I've had experiences, some passing, with people I like very much and feel very connected to, and whom I rarely see, and in one case, a man I know I'll never see again. It's all transient anyway, this life. We really don't hold anything, even those we love, for long, if ever. I mean we can hold them and love them with all our heart, but that's all.
 

hermeticdancer

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What are you talking about? And why are you speaking old English?
I have to laugh at the ENTP, comment- yes i love to be told i am <the one> loved for my unique self--wouldn't you?
I wish I could love anyone, eww...(I want to marry Aaron Paul) I think he's an ENFP... and hot too!!!
he makes me feel tingly inside...
 

Shelovesyoumaybe

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I haven't read all of the replies, so sorry if I repeat something.

I've recently been cast under "the spell" of an ENFP. His adorableness is like a drug to me. His big grin, playful attitude with everyone, goofy sense of humor, and don't even get me started on his laugh...:wubbie: I honestly don't think, and I can probably say I know for a fact, that he doesn't see me as more than a friend. I kind of accept that, because I'm afraid that if I actually did get his attention one day, he would get bored with me very easily.

I guess my question is, how often does that happen? And, I guess, do I have a chance? Or should I just resolve that because I'm not a party animal like the ESFx's in life I won't keep an ENFP's attention?
 

INTP

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I haven't read all of the replies, so sorry if I repeat something.

I've recently been cast under "the spell" of an ENFP. His adorableness is like a drug to me. His big grin, playful attitude with everyone, goofy sense of humor, and don't even get me started on his laugh...:wubbie: I honestly don't think, and I can probably say I know for a fact, that he doesn't see me as more than a friend. I kind of accept that, because I'm afraid that if I actually did get his attention one day, he would get bored with me very easily.

I guess my question is, how often does that happen? And, I guess, do I have a chance? Or should I just resolve that because I'm not a party animal like the ESFx's in life I won't keep an ENFP's attention?

from what i have noticed(and this may not apply to all enfps), they want someone to kinda calm them down and someone who they can just be with when they run out of energy, but someone who can also keep up to them at least sometimes(think it like walking a dog who wants to run all the time, you need to calm him down by holding the leash firmly, but you also have to jog with him so that he wont get bored and let him run freely at times). they want deep conversations. i think infp would suit better for these. BUT you really have to keep your emo crap to minimum, because they seem to seek balance for this also and maybe most importantly for this. stop doubting yourself or you will never make it.
 

Lily flower

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Maybe the problem isn't people falling for you - maybe the problem is that you have a fear of intimacy. When you see someone actually respond to you, you panic and need to withdraw.

Or maybe not...I do believe that ENFP's are very seductive.
 

stringstheory

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from what i have noticed(and this may not apply to all enfps), they want someone to kinda calm them down and someone who they can just be with when they run out of energy, but someone who can also keep up to them at least sometimes(think it like walking a dog who wants to run all the time, you need to calm him down by holding the leash firmly, but you also have to jog with him so that he wont get bored and let him run freely at times). they want deep conversations.[/B]

:yes: definitely accurate for me.
 

Lauren

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What are you talking about? And why are you speaking old English?
I have to laugh at the ENTP, comment- yes i love to be told i am <the one> loved for my unique self--wouldn't you?
I wish I could love anyone, eww...(I want to marry Aaron Paul) I think he's an ENFP... and hot too!!!
he makes me feel tingly inside...

If you were addressing me, no, it's not old English, just English. I also don't appreciate the ridicule. What I mean is that I understand the importance and joy in connections with others (and seeking that out) even if it's a passing connection.
 

skylights

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aw, no, don't think ENFPs are going to discard you like a used battery. i'm so not like that at all... my average relationship/crush timespan is about 4 years if it gives you any idea of how attached to people i actually get... i've seriously (as in could spend the rest of my life with) loved 1 person, ever, and that was after about 3 years, have romantically loved 2 others, and have had crushes on 4 others. and i kinda still love all of those people, in a way. when i fall, i don't just fall hard, i fall for a rather long time...

:blushing:

I haven't read all of the replies, so sorry if I repeat something.

I've recently been cast under "the spell" of an ENFP. His adorableness is like a drug to me. His big grin, playful attitude with everyone, goofy sense of humor, and don't even get me started on his laugh...:wubbie: I honestly don't think, and I can probably say I know for a fact, that he doesn't see me as more than a friend. I kind of accept that, because I'm afraid that if I actually did get his attention one day, he would get bored with me very easily.

I guess my question is, how often does that happen? And, I guess, do I have a chance? Or should I just resolve that because I'm not a party animal like the ESFx's in life I won't keep an ENFP's attention?

aww. that's sweet. i think you absolutely have a chance!! i mean, just personally, i might amp up around party people, but what i really appreciate in life is someone to help ground me and balance me. my personal energy level is usually not a matter of interest in a person - as Pe doms, ENFPs will tend to reflect their environments, so we probably appear really excited around high-energy people, and more low-key around lower-energy people. but in the long term, i want security, stability, safety...

@ bold - what makes you think this?

from what i have noticed(and this may not apply to all enfps), they want someone to kinda calm them down and someone who they can just be with when they run out of energy, but someone who can also keep up to them at least sometimes(think it like walking a dog who wants to run all the time, you need to calm him down by holding the leash firmly, but you also have to jog with him so that he wont get bored and let him run freely at times). they want deep conversations. i think infp would suit better for these. BUT you really have to keep your emo crap to minimum, because they seem to seek balance for this also and maybe most importantly for this. stop doubting yourself or you will never make it.

all of this is very true.

even the leash metaphor, loathe though i am to admit it, lol. i really appreciate someone who can tell me to cut the crap when i'm running away with myself. i'll be the sunshine, but also i need someone who can be a bastion when i'm a firestorm. someone who's not afraid to deal with my the intensity and help me see that things aren't really as scary as i feel like they are. the problem in a lot of relationships for me is that people love my warmth when it's sunshine but take off when it's firestorm. it's not that i'm not trying to work on taming the storm, and it's not that i don't feel like i'm not responsible for my negativity, but to some extent, everyone carries negativity somewhere and that's just how mine manifests. i need someone who can deal with that.

but like INTP points out - you're never gonna make it if you don't give yourself a shot :)

Maybe the problem isn't people falling for you - maybe the problem is that you have a fear of intimacy. When you see someone actually respond to you, you panic and need to withdraw.

Or maybe not...I do believe that ENFP's are very seductive.

was this to the OP? maybe this is true for some ENFPs but not for me, and not for another ENFP i know fairly well. personally i like intimacy a lot and it doesn't make me either panic or run. i think i am just hesitant to express negativity and get easily swept up in a moment, so others can interpret that as me being really into them, when i'm not as into them as they think i am. but it's not that i've shut them out or anything, it's just that they've overestimated how much i really like them at the time. that doesn't mean i can't fall in love with them. it just is a misread on their part, and perhaps poor communication on mine.
 

Vamp

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Maybe the problem isn't people falling for you - maybe the problem is that you have a fear of intimacy. When you see someone actually respond to you, you panic and need to withdraw.

Or maybe not...I do believe that ENFP's are very seductive.

This is true with me. I didn't even know what it was until I read about it.
 

Moiety

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Maybe the problem isn't people falling for you - maybe the problem is that you have a fear of intimacy. When you see someone actually respond to you, you panic and need to withdraw.

Or maybe not...I do believe that ENFP's are very seductive.

I hate that word. I believe a truly good match for an ENFP would never fall for seduction.
 

MBTI Enthusiast

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Wow I just read the entire thread and it has proven to be very enlightening! I have just become acutely interested in you ENFPs after falling under the spell of one recently. :doh:

So I get it, it is common for people to become quickly infatuated with ENFPs, sometimes when the romantic interest is not necessarily returned. So my question is: Have any of you ENFPs become infatuated with another only to realize that it would not work out? And if so, would the ENFP immediately break off the "relationship" upon realizing this, or let it go on in fear of hurting the other person, or withdraw in hopes that the other person will slowly disengage from the relationship?
 
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