I don't feel angry very often, and it takes a lot for me to hit this on my giant glass feelingometer. But I am angry! And because of it I can't sleep, hence me posting at "2late" am.
Unfortunately what I am angry about can't be resolved by me working through it on my own, I actually have to have outside input on it. Ugh, is this what Fi means? No wonder people dislike it.
Basically here is the deal: My mom got cancer and died last year. The year, to put it mildly, fucking sucked. I'm an only child and my dad (INTP) and I were her caregivers up to the last week of her life. I swear one of the most helpless things you can feel is to see someone you love disintegrate before your eyes, knowing that within a few inches of your hands is growing death, but you can't do a thing about it. At all. Except watch. And wait.
Moving on. My dad brought up with me a month after she died that he wanted to date and get remarried. I was pissed! But we talked it out and it was ok... Big adjustment, etc. He decided to wait after new years to date.
Flash forward to January 1 and he's out on dates. He is telling me way too much about these dates so again I have to reiterate what I want: not hearing about this crap. He meets a woman on Jan 2 and becomes serious with her after about 2 weeks.
Flash forward to end of march when I finally met her. It was very very weird but I did like her. Huge mental adjustment for me. (I think she's an INFJ.) she has two kids near my age and so I think, ok this could have a silver lining down the road.... I've always wanted siblings... Maybe she can be a friend to me, etc.
We have plans to do Easter with her, her parents, and her married son. I was ok with this and looking forward to meeting him and getting to know more people.
And then flash to tonight. My dad and I try to spend a night together once a week where we catch up in what's going on, plan activities, make dinner together, etc. Tonight got eaten up a bit by him needing to get his truck fixed; which is no problem.
Until. It's 20 minutes before we need to get the truck and he goes, hey we need to chat a minute about Sunday. So I think oh ok maybe there is something up with her parents I need to know about.
My dad: "just letting you know I talked to her kids and her dad and they are happy for us and so I am going to ask her to marry me in about a months time."
Dad: Well, don't you have anything to say?
Me: (trying desperately not to have some giant NF-esque meltdown because a: I hate falling apart in front of people since I worry it will be interpreted as me trying to be manipulative when most times I am so overwhelmed with feeling I have to just cry or I will implode like a neutron star. B: 20 minutes to think/feel/react to this news before I have to be in control enough to drive my car?? Is he insane? So I do the only thing I can do and that's to shut completely down of all emotion and not feel anything.) not at the moment...
Dad: ok... Well... Then we should go pick up the truck then.
Me: ok. (quivering with Way too much emotion)
We drive in silence for the ten minutes it takes to the dealership. I park, expecting (praying to god) that he will exit the car and leave me the fuck alone. Instead..
Dad: well, you know... Her kids reacted pretty differently than you did... So I don't know what to do.
Me: (vinegar plus baking soda equals me) um, what? Are you actually comparing me to her kids? 1- they have had 16 years to cope with their dads death, I've had 8 months. 2- they see you every couple days, I've met her one time and them never. 3- they have each other. 4- they are not me!!
Dad: oh I know they aren't... I'm just saying I don't know what to do here.
Anyways at this point it dissolves into me sobbing in my car at the chevy dealership with glaring parking lot lights and the receptionist staring at me through the giant window. He says he wants to talk further tomorrow night and for now I said ok.
But my primary reaction is to retreat right now. I don't want to see him. I don't want to go through with this farce of Easter with strange people.
I am so angry. I am also just 120% sick of my life changing. Granted I am not good with changes, but the last year I have been forced to roll with life, and roll I have. It has definitely made me a much better person and like an actual grown up, but I now I feel like a balky mule who has had enough. And maybe I feel balky because when my mom was sick I didn't have a choice, and my dad didn't have a choice, and my mom didn't have a choice. And I see that my dad does have a choice.
He's also selling the house, giving away everything, and planning on moving in with her permenantly. Too much change.
So I have no idea what the point of this even is currently. Hopefully I will get some sleep and perspective on the morrow.
What I would really like is to figure out how to build that time machine I have been hankering for since the age of 7.
Edit: I have to laugh because in my angry en effity in writing this I somehow hit the button for this thread icon. Oh that makes me laugh with a tear sparkling in my eye.