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Thread: NF and Anger

  1. #1
    Anew Leaf
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    Red face NF and Anger

    I don't feel angry very often, and it takes a lot for me to hit this on my giant glass feelingometer. But I am angry! And because of it I can't sleep, hence me posting at "2late" am.

    Unfortunately what I am angry about can't be resolved by me working through it on my own, I actually have to have outside input on it. Ugh, is this what Fi means? No wonder people dislike it.

    Basically here is the deal: My mom got cancer and died last year. The year, to put it mildly, fucking sucked. I'm an only child and my dad (INTP) and I were her caregivers up to the last week of her life. I swear one of the most helpless things you can feel is to see someone you love disintegrate before your eyes, knowing that within a few inches of your hands is growing death, but you can't do a thing about it. At all. Except watch. And wait.

    Moving on. My dad brought up with me a month after she died that he wanted to date and get remarried. I was pissed! But we talked it out and it was ok... Big adjustment, etc. He decided to wait after new years to date.

    Flash forward to January 1 and he's out on dates. He is telling me way too much about these dates so again I have to reiterate what I want: not hearing about this crap. He meets a woman on Jan 2 and becomes serious with her after about 2 weeks.

    Flash forward to end of march when I finally met her. It was very very weird but I did like her. Huge mental adjustment for me. (I think she's an INFJ.) she has two kids near my age and so I think, ok this could have a silver lining down the road.... I've always wanted siblings... Maybe she can be a friend to me, etc.

    We have plans to do Easter with her, her parents, and her married son. I was ok with this and looking forward to meeting him and getting to know more people.

    And then flash to tonight. My dad and I try to spend a night together once a week where we catch up in what's going on, plan activities, make dinner together, etc. Tonight got eaten up a bit by him needing to get his truck fixed; which is no problem.

    Until. It's 20 minutes before we need to get the truck and he goes, hey we need to chat a minute about Sunday. So I think oh ok maybe there is something up with her parents I need to know about.

    My dad: "just letting you know I talked to her kids and her dad and they are happy for us and so I am going to ask her to marry me in about a months time."

    me: ....silence....ok...

    Dad: Well, don't you have anything to say?

    Me: (trying desperately not to have some giant NF-esque meltdown because a: I hate falling apart in front of people since I worry it will be interpreted as me trying to be manipulative when most times I am so overwhelmed with feeling I have to just cry or I will implode like a neutron star. B: 20 minutes to think/feel/react to this news before I have to be in control enough to drive my car?? Is he insane? So I do the only thing I can do and that's to shut completely down of all emotion and not feel anything.) not at the moment...

    Dad: ok... Well... Then we should go pick up the truck then.

    Me: ok. (quivering with Way too much emotion)

    We drive in silence for the ten minutes it takes to the dealership. I park, expecting (praying to god) that he will exit the car and leave me the fuck alone. Instead..

    Dad: well, you know... Her kids reacted pretty differently than you did... So I don't know what to do.

    Me: (vinegar plus baking soda equals me) um, what? Are you actually comparing me to her kids? 1- they have had 16 years to cope with their dads death, I've had 8 months. 2- they see you every couple days, I've met her one time and them never. 3- they have each other. 4- they are not me!!

    Dad: oh I know they aren't... I'm just saying I don't know what to do here.

    Anyways at this point it dissolves into me sobbing in my car at the chevy dealership with glaring parking lot lights and the receptionist staring at me through the giant window. He says he wants to talk further tomorrow night and for now I said ok.

    But my primary reaction is to retreat right now. I don't want to see him. I don't want to go through with this farce of Easter with strange people.

    I am so angry. I am also just 120% sick of my life changing. Granted I am not good with changes, but the last year I have been forced to roll with life, and roll I have. It has definitely made me a much better person and like an actual grown up, but I now I feel like a balky mule who has had enough. And maybe I feel balky because when my mom was sick I didn't have a choice, and my dad didn't have a choice, and my mom didn't have a choice. And I see that my dad does have a choice.

    He's also selling the house, giving away everything, and planning on moving in with her permenantly. Too much change.

    So I have no idea what the point of this even is currently. Hopefully I will get some sleep and perspective on the morrow.

    What I would really like is to figure out how to build that time machine I have been hankering for since the age of 7.

    Edit: I have to laugh because in my angry en effity in writing this I somehow hit the button for this thread icon. Oh that makes me laugh with a tear sparkling in my eye.

  2. #2
    meinmeinmein! mmhmm's Avatar
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    send what you just wrote to your dad.
    so he can understand a bit more.

    essentially it's time, no? that's what you need?
    you and dad are working on different time speeds?
    every normal man must be tempted, at times,
    to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag,
    and begin slitting throats.
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  3. #3
    Phantonym
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    I hope writing this out helped at least a little bit. After all you've gone through, it's perfectly ok to feel like this. Everybody has different ways of mourning and feeling pressured to move on with your life can be really stressful. Just take your time in adjusting to all this and talk with your dad. Tell him how you really feel about all that has happened and try to explain to him that you would need time to move on with things in your own pace. Good luck with everything.

  4. #4
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    I'm sorry.

    Talk to him about your feelings. Remind him that you lost your mother less than a year ago.

    In many cultures I think people are supposed to wait a year before they remarry after being widowed (or a widower). You could bring that up.

    Is he moving fast because he's still grieving?

    On the other hand, it is his life, and you are an adult, so I guess his thinking is that it's not like you would have to live with him and his new gf. I can understand why you'd be very upset though.

  5. #5
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    I'm really sorry! Losing your mother would have been excruciatingly painful for you and this is a lot to deal with now.

    I would be upset too if it were my dad. It does seem that quite a lot of men remarry very quickly after being widowed and it worries me because I wonder, why so quickly...I have known of a number of similar situations. Someone pointed out to me that it is very hard for them to be without a person in their life who they're emotionally close to, because for a lot of men ONLY their wife/SO fills that position...women usually/often have a few girlfriends at least who they're emotionally close to as well.

    I agree that if you can talk him about your feelings that would be best. I don't really know what else to say, this is very difficult.
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  6. #6
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    ^^^

    I've heard this too...that it's common for men to do that because they don't know how to deal, otherwise.

    There was a thread in another section regarding a study done on how hard even young men in college take break-ups, for exactly the reason you cited, that they can't have that closeness with anyone but a S.O. where as women tend to be able to turn to female friends for emotional support.

    I'm sorry Saturned, I know you're angry.


  7. #7
    Certified Sausage Smoker Elfboy's Avatar
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    perhaps your dad is as confused/upset as you are and went on to remarry quickly because he wanted to escape the pain. INTPs as a whole are can be very uncomfortable with strong emotions and it's likely he's also a 5, which makes he stress 7 (escaping via various forms of pleasure such as alcohol, sex, food etc and acting impulsively and without thinking, such as selling the house). INTPs tend to be disconnected to begin with, but, given recent events, he's probably more detached and confused than ever.

    I agree with mmhmm. the best course of action would be send the information you've just told us to him in an email. I'm sure your father really cares about you, but he's going through a rough time too and is probably having a lot of difficulty seeing things from your perspective.
    Dad: well, you know... Her kids reacted pretty differently than you did... So I don't know what to do
    this bit in particular makes me think that he's actually looking for your point of view, but he's not exactly aware of how to ask. I think this information would help him as much as it would you. if you present the scenario from your point of view like you have here, he'll be able to logically grasp why you're feeling what you are and be better able to communicate with you like I'm guessing he wants to.
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  8. #8
    Senor Membrane
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    If I were you, I'd probably do what the others suggested. Give him a note that explains what you are feeling, and why you won't be there on eastern. I don't think you should go there, since it is already enough drama without you melting down at the dinner table. That's not a first impression I would like to give to anyone.

    EDIT: Maybe one thing you should think about also. It is true that it's really his business if he wants to remarry, so it's not like you can or should try to stop it, but I don't think it is fair if he expects that you need to bond with her and the kids immediately. I mean, it would be important if you could point it out to him that there is a line here and you are not to be expected to smile politely and go through with his plans if you are feeling like crap.

    I'm just pointing this out since I remember how it was when my parents got divorced and started dating other people. There certainly was this feeling that it is very important to keep a spotless facade up. And for some reason I was part of it unwillingly. I don't think you need that stuff in your life now.

  9. #9
    Anew Leaf
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    Thanks for the replies ^_^. It did help writing it out. It also helped conking out for a 7 delicious hours. It was not so delicious to wake up to snow though!

    I think my main frustration has come from the fact that I have been doing my best to play catch up with my dads style of grieving, he is easily months/years head of me in this regard. It's not that I want to control him and his choices, its that I am doing my damn best in keeping up and he responds with things that come off as, I'm not doing enough for him.

    And part of it is just feeling left out of the loop. I see him moving into her house, seeing her kids most every night of the week.... And I get one night with my dad a week.... And thats it. So from where I am sitting there is all of this effort to make her kids comfy, and her comfy, and here I am getting left out on it all.

    Maybe we should give an empathy course for NTs here that I can forward into my dad .

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