• You are currently viewing our forum as a guest, which gives you limited access to view most discussions and access our other features. By joining our free community, you will have access to additional post topics, communicate privately with other members (PM), view blogs, respond to polls, upload content, and access many other special features. Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free, so please join our community today! Just click here to register. You should turn your Ad Blocker off for this site or certain features may not work properly. If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact us by clicking here.

[INFP] (patiently) ask an INFP!!1

R

RDF

Guest
[...] Maybe it's because I'm sp-dom, or Fi-inferior, but I'm having a difficult time making myself believe that it would be worth it, with my less mature FP friends, to open up to them ever again, until I'm fairly certain that they would know how to react. I keep thinking, EJCC, you have other friends who would react better than that (like your ENFP friend!), and maybe you should talk to them instead. You don't want anyone to poke and prod at your raw wound -- you want someone to help you sew it up.

I don’t have any problem with that. The course of action you're choosing is that of delegating roles to people at a dinner party: Accept that people have their own agendas, respect their autonomy, and adapt your interactions with friends according to their strengths and weakness.

I suppose it’s the most “Fi-style” approach to the situation, in that Fi is about defining one’s own agenda/values and respecting the agenda/values/autonomy of others. Of course, it can be taken to extremes. INFPs sometimes get caught in the trap of not wanting to burden others with their needs and going into avoidance mode; but then the situation increasingly becomes about conflict-avoidance and important issues go unresolved.

IOW, the standard INFP could try to be better at confronting people (sitting down and working out conflicts directly with people) or taking the risk of opening themselves repeatedly to unresponsive friends with the ultimate aim of establishing new modes of connection and interaction.

But in your case, you seem to have good reasons for choosing the route you’ve chosen; also, I would never accuse an ESTJ of being conflict-avoidant or of being afraid to put themselves out there with others. If anything, it seems highly appropriate for an ESTJ to use an “Fi-style” approach with Fi-Doms. :)
 

Burger King

New member
Joined
Sep 25, 2011
Messages
338
Dear INFPs,

Do you overanalyze situations to death?

<3 One of You

Yea, even old stuff that happened a long time ago. This includes the inner psychoanalyzing dialogue that I have within my fantasies, and the stuff that CreativeCait mentioned, etc. It used to get so bad in my teens haha. Over time I've gotten better at managing it. I'm more objective and not living in the past so much (Ne+Te development?).
 
R

RDF

Guest
Dear INFPs,

Do you overanalyze situations to death?

<3 One of You

Yeah, INFPs interact with the world via Ne, which is a open-ended, brainstorming, churning function. If any event in the outside world hits us strongly (an unexpected conflict, falling in love, breaking up with someone, or even just an awkward social moment), then we’re going to work it over in our minds ad nauseum.

But we also generally try to hide that churning and agitation from the rest of the world. It can become a bottling-up thing, leading to a lot of stress building up under a seemingly placid exterior.

[Edit:] To reach judgement and get closure on our thoughts, we need to process our thoughts through Fi (reach a judgement as to our own internal values/attutitudes toward the situation) and/or through Te (reach a judgment on how to deal with the situation in the exterior world and take action on it).
 

CreativeCait

New member
Joined
May 18, 2012
Messages
80
MBTI Type
PING
But we also generally try to hide that churning and agitation from the rest of the world. It can become a bottling-up thing, leading to a lot of stress building up under a seemingly placid exterior.

[Edit:] To reach judgement and get closure on our thoughts, we need to process our thoughts through Fi (reach a judgement as to our own internal values/attutitudes toward the situation) and/or through Te (reach a judgment on how to deal with the situation in the exterior world and take action on it).

The bits in bold - anyone else been accused of being 'fake' or not showing people who you really are? Because its all happening inside and people get annoyed when what they see isn't what's "really going on" or what they see/think of you is not "really you" *sigh*

Anyway to speed up the processing time?? Like how do you come to your Fi and Te judgements?? I just let my head go wherever it wants but that means it takes aaaaages before I get to the point of making judgements....by which time whatever happened is mostly over, for everyone else anyway...
 

Southern Kross

Away with the fairies
Joined
Dec 22, 2008
Messages
2,910
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
4w5
Instinctual Variant
so/sp
Dear INFPs,

Do you overanalyze situations to death?

<3 One of You
That's a very complicated question. I will have to reflect on it a great deal more before I can answer...
 

Ponyboy

Insert witty line here...
Joined
Nov 29, 2009
Messages
390
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
9w1
Awww, Southern Cross said the same thing I was gonna say. I wonder if its just because we agree, I mean that makes sense right? But then again, maybe she knew what I was going to say and wanted to jump in first. I don't really think that's the case though because that doesn't seem like something an INFP would do or care about, but then again I haven't studied much about the cognitive functions so maybe I'm missing something. It just doesn't seem like something I would do as an INFP, but then again if I really needed to I suppose I would. But then again I remember that I just wrote that I wouldn't so, ya I guess I wouldn't. Wait, what were we talking about again? :D:D
 
R

RDF

Guest
The bits in bold - anyone else been accused of being 'fake' or not showing people who you really are? Because its all happening inside and people get annoyed when what they see isn't what's "really going on" or what they see/think of you is not "really you" *sigh*

Not me. But I was always good at hiding it. I was aware of stress issues early along and worked out ways to manage my stress and vent privately rather than blow up publicly.

Anyway to speed up the processing time?? Like how do you come to your Fi and Te judgements?? I just let my head go wherever it wants but that means it takes aaaaages before I get to the point of making judgements....by which time whatever happened is mostly over, for everyone else anyway...

Depends on the nature of the problem, of course.

As for Fi, basically I handle that by saying, “I’m not that guy anymore...” To take a benign example:

Let’s say I meet a pretty woman at a coffee shop and we agree to meet again casually in a couple days at some social venue. Naturally, as an INFP, my natural instinct would be to fantasize endlessly about her for the next two days and get all worked up, maybe to the point that I start dreading the meeting.

But instead I say to myself “I’m not that guy anymore who moons over girls he just met. Nothing will probably even come of it. What happens, happens. In the meantime, I’m going to bury myself in work or whatever for the next couple days and not even think about the woman.” And then in a couple days I go to the social event and meet the woman again with a clear head.

Naturally, just saying it once isn’t enough. The woman will drift into my thoughts at odd times. But I just keep repeating the above mantra and keep shoving her out of my mind and distracting myself, and my resolution takes hold over time and eventually becomes an Fi value of sorts. I come to regard that sort of teenage mooning as beneath me, and I simply refuse to indulge it.

Again, that’s just a benign example. Many INFPs would even say that they enjoy engaging in romantic fantasies after meeting an attractive person of the opposite sex. So I’m just using that example to illustrate a simple way of using Fi judgment to put an end to Ne churning.

As for Te, that’s more about getting used to organization, planning and action. Again, a lot depends on the nature of the problem. If it’s an interpersonal problem, you could look at a few different approaches and see what works best for the situation, as EJCC and I did a few posts above. If it’s a problem with handling a big project under a deadline, then it’s more about planning, breaking things down into small chunks that are easy to handle, etc.

A good book I’m reading just now: “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People” by Stephen R. Covey. It’s a big bestseller from 1989. The first two “habits” (“Be proactive” and “Begin with the end in mind”) are more or less about consciously prioritizing your personal values and instilling them into your Fi, using personal mission statements and that sort of thing. The third habit (“Put first things first”) starts talking about how to do Te planning based on your Fi values, and so on....

FWIW
 

OrangeAppled

Sugar Hiccup
Joined
Mar 20, 2009
Messages
7,626
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
4w5
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
You would be surprised how often strangers will open up to me (and it seems, to all INFPs). I have the exact same reaction as above, I'm very unnerved and I'm looking for the exit. But if I know someone, I don't usually react that way, especially if I like them and/or care about them.

I'm surprisingly comfortable with this, maybe because it happens so much.
It might be because I'm sp/sx too. I have this ability to keep my mood/feelings separate & untouched, so when I leave them, I'm back to MY mood; but I can still be very drawn into a one-on-one conversation about their problems/feelings & be able to empathise deeply. I've called this "emotional puzzle solving", which sounds kind of detached, but it honestly engages me in that way.... There are occasions when I feel a bit burdened, but that can be a matter of time/energy or the person really crossing an intimacy line too fast. The intimacy line is hard to cross for me though.... I think when you're sx dom or second, it's refreshing for people to be very open & raw, so you get to really dig into them.

I mostly only resent someone dumping their problems on me when it's ALL they do & they don't return the same interest in me. I've had some "friendships" where I felt like an on-call therapist....I'd literally listen to them for hours & barely get any inquiry into how I was from them.
 

raindancing

actinomycetes
Joined
Feb 28, 2008
Messages
346
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
4w5
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
I'm surprisingly comfortable with this, maybe because it happens so much.
It might be because I'm sp/sx too. I have this ability to keep my mood/feelings separate & untouched, so when I leave them, I'm back to MY mood; but I can still be very drawn into a one-on-one conversation about their problems/feelings & be able to empathise deeply. I've called this "emotional puzzle solving", which sounds kind of detached, but it honestly engages me in that way.... There are occasions when I feel a bit burdened, but that can be a matter of time/energy or the person really crossing an intimacy line too fast. The intimacy line is hard to cross for me though.... I think when you're sx dom or second, it's refreshing for people to be very open & raw, so you get to really dig into them.

I mostly only resent someone dumping their problems on me when it's ALL they do & they don't return the same interest in me. I've had some "friendships" where I felt like an on-call therapist....I'd literally listen to them for hours & barely get any inquiry into how I was from them.

Really agree, especially with the bold part. I am pretty detached but very involved, if that makes sense. The problem I find is that people sometimes get confused when I'm not all emotional about their problems, they think it means I don't care. I can discuss their problems and feelings with intense interest and understanding for ages, but if they start getting emotionally needy I want to flee.

There are only a few people where I get pulled emotionally into their feelings and problems, and in those situations it is almost always very negative for me... (family members that do the on-call therapist thing, some ex friends...)

Edit: just thinking, my avoidance of any hint of emotional neediness is probably from being raised by an emotionally needy/manipulative mother
 

EJCC

The Devil of TypoC
Joined
Aug 29, 2008
Messages
19,129
MBTI Type
ESTJ
Enneagram
1w9
Instinctual Variant
sp/so
If it makes you feel better those two concerns (ie 1. don't lose your temper because it's unproductive; 2. don't freak out and get all paranoid about what others are thinking about you) are very familiar to me. I have to spend a lot of time working on those myself. ;)
That does make me feel better. :)

How do you usually approach those concerns, in yourself?
Of course, it can be taken to extremes. INFPs sometimes get caught in the trap of not wanting to burden others with their needs and going into avoidance mode; but then the situation increasingly becomes about conflict-avoidance and important issues go unresolved.
I find it so interesting that all four types of NFs seem to act like this, regardless of whether they're Fi or Fe. So many of them seem motivated by "not wanting to burden people". It seems like that's the #1 reason for NFs not opening up to people!
But in your case, you seem to have good reasons for choosing the route you’ve chosen; also, I would never accuse an ESTJ of being conflict-avoidant or of being afraid to put themselves out there with others. If anything, it seems highly appropriate for an ESTJ to use an “Fi-style” approach with Fi-Doms. :)
Thanks! I had thought of that as maybe a problem with my thought process that I needed to fix, but if I have the INFP Seal Of Approval, then I obviously have nothing to worry about. :)

I am definitely not afraid of putting myself out there with others -- but I have moments of being conflict avoidant, definitely! Those moments are similar to the ones I described with friends who flake out on things: my Te tells me that I should be honest with them about how and why it frustrated me, but the massive void where my Fe should be ends up making me feel paranoid; I can't tell if they'll be offended, and I can't predict how they'll react, so I get paralyzed. Thank goodness this only happens to me very rarely! :laugh:
I have this ability to keep my mood/feelings separate & untouched, so when I leave them, I'm back to MY mood
I am so awed and impressed with this. Could you elaborate on it a little more?

The more I talk to NFs, the more amazed I am with the level to which you embrace your feelings and seem to have an intuitive (not in the MBTI sense) understanding of how they work and what they mean. The idea that you could protect your feelings in a little bubble while you go off and do something else is completely foreign to me.

This quote explains it best, imo:
Naomi Quenk said:
Effective dominant Introverted Feeling types accept the nuances of feeling they experience as natural and welcome evidence of their own inner complexity. But feelings and emotions intruding into the consciousness of an Extraverted Thinking type who is in the grip of inferior Introverted Feeling asare experienced as so alien and overwhelming that they are inexpressible. From a Thinking point of view, the eruption of "illogical," uncontrolled, and disorderly feelings is like being at the mercy of strange and overwhelming forces that threaten a person's equilibrium, if not his or her whole existence.
 

Southern Kross

Away with the fairies
Joined
Dec 22, 2008
Messages
2,910
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
4w5
Instinctual Variant
so/sp
That does make me feel better. :)

How do you usually approach those concerns, in yourself?
I have quite a natural temper and it can be hard work to keep it in check. Memories of being embarrassed by things I said and did after losing it, help to remind me it's a bad idea; and I keep in mind how rarely it was actually worthwhile/justified. I suppose what I find useful is to mentally separate yourself and your actions from the muddle; from what you can control and what you can't. This way you're less focussed on external forces, like blaming or punishing others for things they've done (things that are beyond your control), and instead directing your energy on managing your own reaction; on sculpting that ideal self. That way you take greater responsibility for the things you say/do, but it also helps you have much more control over your life (which counters that helpless feeling that drives us to do crazy things).

As for not freaking out, I try to remember some sort of saying I once read; it went something like, "People aren't thinking about you as much as you imagine they are. You aren't that important to them". The point being, each of us are the centre of our own universe and because of this we mistakenly believe that somehow we are more significant in others' lives than we actually are. We foolishly think that our humiliations, in particular, are as obvious, influential and memorable to others as they are to us.

I guess overall it's valuable to recognise which instincts are not realistic/appropriate and remember to ignore them when they come up. It's hard to do this in the moment, because everything is telling you that those instincts are 100% right. But sometimes you just have to mentally slap yourself and say, "for goodness sake, just stop that!" :D
 

Betty Blue

Let me count the ways
Joined
Jan 19, 2010
Messages
5,063
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
7W6
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
I also have a question.
Why is it that though i am an ENFP i feel more akin to you beautiful people. Really i do.
I love ENFP's with a vastness, but INFP's i just feel more identity with.
Is it the thing about INFP's depth, once you get close... you all (well quite a few, enough to exaggerate to you all haha) just wow me.
 

Mia.

New member
Joined
Jan 4, 2012
Messages
821
I also have a question.
Why is it that though i am an ENFP i feel more akin to you beautiful people. Really i do.
I love ENFP's with a vastness, but INFP's i just feel more identity with.
Is it the thing about INFP's depth, once you get close... you all (well quite a few, enough to exaggerate to you all haha) just wow me.

Aww, Helen... right back atcha. :blush:
 
A

Anew Leaf

Guest
I also have a question.
Why is it that though i am an ENFP i feel more akin to you beautiful people. Really i do.
I love ENFP's with a vastness, but INFP's i just feel more identity with.
Is it the thing about INFP's depth, once you get close... you all (well quite a few, enough to exaggerate to you all haha) just wow me.

I love your voice. I now hear it when I read your posts. Everything you say sounds enchaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanting.

Perhaps you are a low e Fi kind of ENFP. :D Whereas I am a high Ne kind of INFP. :D
 

Rasofy

royal member
Joined
Mar 7, 2011
Messages
5,881
MBTI Type
INTP
Enneagram
5w6
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
Random questions:

1- What do you think about INTPs?
2- What would you do if you had a time machine?
3- Does money bring happiness?
4- What would you do with one billion dollars?
 

Viridian

New member
Joined
Dec 30, 2010
Messages
3,036
MBTI Type
IsFJ
Q: Are INFPs really "more complex" than other people?
 
A

Anew Leaf

Guest
Random questions:

1- What do you think about INTPs?
2- What would you do if you had a time machine?
3- Does money bring happiness?
4- What would you do with one billion dollars?

1- INTPs and Me: (Due to my recent dates I am responding on more of what I think of them when dating... In general, I like INTPs... some far more than others.)

Pros:
  • TiNe can be extremely witty and charming.
  • NeFe is freqently endearing.


Cons:
  • In dating, they frequently disappear on me because emoshuns come up.
  • I get tired of pedantic responses.
  • Their interest can feel like interrogation sometimes.
  • They can be flaky.
  • Sometimes they go too far with their need to be Right and Logical and it either pisses me off or it hurts my feelings.

There seem to be a few flavors of INTP.
Type 1: (My favorite) Are witty and intelligent but aren't as serious that often to an extreme degree. Example, [MENTION=3]MacGuffin[/MENTION] and [MENTION=7]Jennifer[/MENTION].
Type 2: (Also a favorite) Can be serious but aim to be kind and try to deny my INFP pudding. Example, [MENTION=9883]Redbone[/MENTION] and [MENTION=994]kelric[/MENTION].
Type 3: (No comment) Used to being smarter than most people and therefore think they are superior and act as if whomever is with them is being bestowed a great and noble honor. [MENTION=9143]Eric[/MENTION]themoron and @theINTPswhopostgiantwallsofboringtext.

:tea:

2. Time Machine.


Omg... what WOULDN'T I do with one!!! :wizfreak:

Some ideas:
  • Travel in time to enjoy ancient egypt.
  • Travel to see when the earth was formed.
  • Travel to see when the earth dies.
  • Travel to see dinosaurs.
  • Travel to see Pangea.
  • Travel to see the Himalayas form.

3- Money.

Money brings me security and comfort. (Strong SP-aux.)

4- Imaginary Money.

1- I would pay off debts of my friends and family that I care about.
2- I would travel the world.
3- I would buy my own island and live there alone with my shark friends.
 

EJCC

The Devil of TypoC
Joined
Aug 29, 2008
Messages
19,129
MBTI Type
ESTJ
Enneagram
1w9
Instinctual Variant
sp/so
I have quite a natural temper and it can be hard work to keep it in check. Memories of being embarrassed by things I said and did after losing it, help to remind me it's a bad idea; and I keep in mind how rarely it was actually worthwhile/justified. I suppose what I find useful is to mentally separate yourself and your actions from the muddle; from what you can control and what you can't. This way you're less focussed on external forces, like blaming or punishing others for things they've done (things that are beyond your control), and instead directing your energy on managing your own reaction; on sculpting that ideal self. That way you take greater responsibility for the things you say/do, but it also helps you have much more control over your life (which counters that helpless feeling that drives us to do crazy things).
Oh man. I've really had to work on this, for the past couple of years. Working on this is exactly why I'm so much more "chill" than the average 1w2 or ESTJ would be. I used to be completely unable to suffer fools gladly, and would call people out on their bullshit as a gut instinct -- which made me no friends at all. But once my Te matured -- and when I started actually listening to my Te in those situations, instead of letting my weak Fi run the show -- I started to figure out that it's more sensible in the long run, and more effective with wrong/incorrect people, to plan ahead, to be tactful, etc.
My ENFP friend has known me since before I had that realization, and she's told me that since I learned to stay calm and quiet when people are stupid, I've started "sneak attacking" people. :laugh: I'll calmly and innocently ask them questions about their wrong opinion, collecting as much information as I need, and then I'll "take them down". But I'll only do that if I think it's worth it; if I don't think they have a chance at changing, I won't even try, but I'll still ask all the questions just so I feel like I understand their opinion.
As for not freaking out, I try to remember some sort of saying I once read; it went something like, "People aren't thinking about you as much as you imagine they are. You aren't that important to them". The point being, each of us are the centre of our own universe and because of this we mistakenly believe that somehow we are more significant in others' lives than we actually are. We foolishly think that our humiliations, in particular, are as obvious, influential and memorable to others as they are to us.
This is always very good to remember. :yes:
I guess overall it's valuable to recognise which instincts are not realistic/appropriate and remember to ignore them when they come up. It's hard to do this in the moment, because everything is telling you that those instincts are 100% right. But sometimes you just have to mentally slap yourself and say, "for goodness sake, just stop that!" :D
:laugh: Indeed! I do this all the time, especially when I'm in 4 mode. "Shut up! You're not helping right now!!!"

I wonder if it's an Fi thing? Just because I relate to it so much, and I don't know if I've seen an Fe type do that sort of thing before.
Q: Are INFPs really "more complex" than other people?
Ooh! Interesting!

Related, spin-off question: How would you define "complexity", in a person? How would you define someone who isn't complex? Do those traits correspond with an MBTI type?
 

raindancing

actinomycetes
Joined
Feb 28, 2008
Messages
346
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
4w5
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
Random questions:

1- What do you think about INTPs?
2- What would you do if you had a time machine?
3- Does money bring happiness?
4- What would you do with one billion dollars?

1) What do you think about INTPs? (my experience is with the male variety...)
Cue rapturous raving rambles of ridiculous rhapsody.

What, you want more ego stroking? :D
:heart: intelligence
:heart: intense interests, leading to high skills
:heart: playful, devastatingly so
:heart: completely willing to playact and be silly
:heart: independence
:heart: fantastic sense of humor
:heart: cruisy, easy going nature
:heart: sangfroid
:heart: appreciation of my emotional depth
:heart: intense caring and love that blows me away under the coolness
:heart: knows how to deal to spiders and other nastiness. Mock and tease all you want, as long as I don't have to watch

cons? hmmm tricky tricky.
Well endless thinking/discussions about whatever is the current system of interest can get tedious.

I don't like reading instructions either, stop making me do it!

Jumping from one thing to another in conversation without explaining the connection causes a lot of blank looks. It really would be easier for you if you noticed this. And then I wouldn't have to play the interjecting game.

INTP: I like fluffy bunnies. *Starts going on at length about British comedy, the different varieties, the contrast with American comedy...etc)
Person INTP is talking to: :huh:
Me: Monty python... and the psychopathic fluffy bunny

2) What would you do if you had a time machine?
Oh I could go on for pages discussing this. How does it work, are you merely an observer? You can change things? How the hell does that work? *erases many thought tangents* What would happen to your perception of time, would you even feel like you have a place *in* time. Would you become like time nomad? How would it alter your perception of meaning and purpose in life? Surely it would drive home with absolute certainty the insignificance of each person. The time is now, which happens over and over and over, each person feeling the world revolves around them and their time. Everything is momentous and nothing is.
Damn it I want a time machine.

3) Does money bring happiness?
In itself, no.
Money is merely an object, happiness has to come from within a person.


4) What would you do with one billion dollars?
Have houses in New Zealand, Oregon, Dordogne, London.
Design an awesome treehouse and have someone build it on my Dordogne property
Concerts, plays, galore
Have a nanny to travel around with me so I can go to concerts and plays.
Design stuff and have people make it for me.
Travel around to have as many personal experiences with different animals as I can. (swimming with dolphins, playing with tiger cubs (done this already!), etc etc etc)
Travel travel and more travel
Buy a grand piano
Be even more overindulgent in book buying
Design a personal library
Responsibly buy more books to fill up the library
Design an even better library ...and on
...Invest (in other words, hand over all responsibility to my INTP)
 
Top