So this would be a good time to use a little anger management. For example, start by enumerating all the ways that you appreciate what your INFP friends bring to the friendship. If done well, it will put the problem in proper perspective. For example, “We have a strong friendship that I treasure greatly. There is just one small area where we seem to be misunderstanding each other....”
Another option over the long-term is to let your INFP friends be free spirits and simply adjust for it. These days I tend to figure that everyone comes to the table with an agenda, including me. And if I’m honest and up-front about my own agenda, then I needn’t resent the agendas of others or the fact that they don’t neatly dovetail with mine.
For example, let's say I’m preparing a dinner party. I look at the guest list and determine the “agendas” of everyone there. Then I figure out my own “agenda” for each:
Person A’s agenda is to be a good guest. She helps with set-up and take-down, and she socializes well. My agenda with respect to Person A: I wish I had a hundred more like her. Result: She gets star billing.
Person B’s agenda is to get drunk and loud and obnoxious as quickly as possible. My agenda: I don’t want him at the dinner portion of the party, but I don’t mind if the party gets loud afterward. Result: I’ll tell him that I don’t have enough seats at the dinner portion of the party, but he should come over right after dinner for dessert and drinks and bring along a couple bottles of wine and five of his drinking buddies. He’ll love it.
Person C’s agenda is to be mousey and sit in a corner quietly and not talk to anyone. My agenda: But she makes a fantastic beef stroganoff and I need her to cook that as the entree. Result: She gets star billing.
Person D’s agenda is to be a total bore and a fop. My agenda: But he loves to dance. Put on some music, clear some floor space, and he’ll grab a partner and kick off the dancing instantly. Result: He gets star billing.
Person E’s agenda is to be an artistic free spirit. She brings a certain atmosphere and cachet; but she accepts my invites and then never shows up half the time. My agenda: I pretty much need confirmed attendees for the early dinner party. Result: She can’t attend the dinner party. But I can invite her to come for dessert and drinks afterward; if she skips the party at that point, it won’t be as big a problem.
And so on. The point: Appreciate everyone for what they bring to the table, and make allowance for what they don’t. They have their agendas and you have an agenda of your own. Don’t get worked up about it. Try to get the various agendas to dovetail, and don’t get resentful when they aren’t a great fit.
My rule of thumb is that:Also: I find the bolded very interesting, and maybe not correct for me? Because I've never thought of my priorities/values as being societal. I just feel like, when I put a lot of time and effort into doing something for/with someone because I care about them (e.g. setting aside time in my busy schedule to have lunch with them, or help them with something), it hurts when they seem to disregard that. It makes me wonder if an INFP wouldn't be offended, if they put a lot of time and effort into something only for their close friends to ignore it or flake out with a vague excuse. I guess my feelings on that could be societal, in that I wouldn't have those expectations if they hadn't been enforced in me somewhere. But I dunno.
1) Fi/Ti = “Dependability is an important value/principle for me. So I should be dependable.”
2) Fe/Te = “Dependability is an important value/principle for me. So everyone should be as dependable as me, or society will just fall apart.”