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  1. #31
    Senior Member BAJ's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Crescent Fresh View Post
    I know most of us make many friends in different stages of life, yet we usually see it as a challenge to keep them all. The question is, what's the criteria for you to filter them?

    Discuss.
    You look too pretty and bright.


    Quote Originally Posted by nolla View Post
    Well, it seems to me like there is a scale like this:

    People radiating with energy -------------------------------------------Emotional vampires

    That's quite important for me.
    So where is the point for the cut off? Perhaps since I'm pent up and probably in want of a therapist. I'm maybe here at the moment:

    People radiating with energy ---------------------------------x---------Emotional vampires

    However, at different times, I've been here:

    People radiating with energy ------------x------------------------------Emotional vampires

    I guess my job is very stressful.

    Quote Originally Posted by Eckhart View Post
    You lost me there.



    Quote Originally Posted by nolla View Post
    Yeah, there are people whose communication is based only on complaining about things. It's all right if people complain to me about their worries, but if it is all there is, I feel like they are dragging me down. It seems like they are not even interested in solutions. I give them another perspective and they dismiss it because if they solved their problems they wouldn't have anything to talk about.
    Well, I'm not that bad. I like to talk about books, philosophy, mysticism, and tell numerous stories. I like to listen to people's stories too. I sort of know a path out of bad relationships, and I can explain why your relationships are good or bad for you...when I'm at my best.


    Quote Originally Posted by Elfboy View Post
    1) open minded and independent thinking
    I'm really, really strong on this point.



    2) "down" with trying new things
    I'm weak in this.

    3) treats people well who are powerless
    I really, really like this one. Sometimes I take the homeless to dinner, yes the smelling, annoying ones. I'm a crazy person.


    4) doesn't abuse any kind of power they have
    I think I'm safe here too. I tend to act non-hierarchically. That is, I consider all humans of basically equal rank, and don't care much if you call yourself "Admiral".

    5) willing to change
    This could be a tough one. It depends on what I'm being asked to change and why.

    6) has integrity and personal values
    sigh. I wish I could have less integrity. It seems like most of the people with less have a nicer life sometimes. Generally they're richer and seem to get to mate with more appealing people.

    7) when there is a miscommunication, they handle it proactively or take it personally
    Yes.

    8) non judgemental and doesn't put words in your mouth
    Yes, to a fault.

    9) not offended by perverted humor (perverted, but not overly vulgar of course. that's what she said lines for instance)
    Oh used to hang out with some queens, and they'd camp on one another. I miss those days before the falling out. OMG, I would fall out my seat laughing at that shit.

    10) at least somewhat classy (you don't have to be Cary Grant to be my friend, but I certainly won't be friends with white trash, a hood rat, a whore or a dirty mexican*
    *for those of you who don't know, dirty mexican refers to the mexican equivilent of white trash. it's not referring to mexicans as a whole
    Uh oh. I'm not sure about this one since I live on a farm and drive a pick up I paid $500 for. Isn't this in conflict with not treating the less fortunate badly?

    I refuse to be friends with anyone who doesn't meet all of this criteria. some added plusses may include
    1) funny
    2) intelligent (while intelligent people are vastly superior, I'm still willing to be friends with someone who isn't terribly intelligent)
    3) sophisticated
    4) able to contribute something of value to my knowledge base
    5) sexy. if you're a guy, I'm probably more likely to be your friend if you're sexy lol
    6) stylish
    I'm not too sure about these last points either.

    Quote Originally Posted by Huxley3112 View Post
    I will be friends, as in on good terms, with virtually anyone. Good friends? Well, I can be a bit of an elitist tbh. I already have a fairly good circle of close friends. I don't feel the need to add to that circle very often. If I do, it is because I've come across somone or a couple that is just awesome. They have similar interests, they don't pull any weird emotional crap, and they are a joy to do things with and talk with. I feel like I don't even have very much time for my long term friends, to be there for them day in and out. I don't like to add to this because my energy is already stetched pretty thin. People that aren't allowed to EVER join my 'circle of trust' are people with alot of personal problems. Call them emotional vampires, or just misguided, dtc. I just cant bare the weight of having them call my 3 times a day with different crises.
    Hah, well drat. I don't call people though, but I wouldn't say my life is free of personal problems.

    Quote Originally Posted by HeatherC View Post
    1. Reciprocity in give and take
    2. trustworthy
    3. open with inner self, express themselves (not self-contained)
    4. similar life style (wanting community, having time to hang out, around my age of 20s-30s young professionals
    5. accept me as is and allow me to be myself
    6. straightforward honesty and a dash of sweetness underneath


    Okay, I'm 40. Too old to be in this person's circle.

    Quote Originally Posted by mmhmm View Post
    it's not so much me filtering them.
    i do what i want, and the ones that
    manage to keep up, stick around.
    the undesirables just filter out by
    default because they don't have the
    capacity to do so.
    Well, this sort of makes me feel a bit tired, but the rest of it sounds pretty good.



    Quote Originally Posted by skylights View Post


    i have many friendly acquiantances... and many friends... and i "like" almost everyone... but i have a comparatively very small group of close friends. i think with close friends it's less a conscious process of filtering and more of a "who have i not avoided for certain reasons"... lol...

    i think my closest friends share:

    sense of humor - witty with at least an appreciation of dark (if willing to generate dark, even better)
    I think my sense of humor can tend to macabre, but I'm not sure that's what you mean exactly.

    intellectual openness - curiosity, interest in learning, care about the greater world
    I think so. It depends on what. I just bought a book on India, and I subscribe to National Geographic.


    adventurousness -
    maybe

    humanism - i have a hard time handling ethical hardliners or rule-followers, but i tend to get closest to people who really care about other people and who are concerned with the human condition.
    I think I score very high here.

    social appropriateness - not in terms of superficiality but more like tact... the ability to adapt to situations and be appropriate when it's beneficial.
    I'm sort of a misfit and eccentric, but usually not tactless unless I've completely lost it.

    positivity and realism - i avoid downers and fantasizers. fantasy is wonderful in the arts but it ain't real... if you lose yourself in it too much then you miss life.
    I need to work on being more positive. I think this one needs work.

    acheivement - this isn't ever something i've really thought about much, but someone pointed it out to me lately. i just tend to hang out with people who do well at whatever they're doing. i could make a lot of guesses as to why but i think mostly i have always been motivated to do well, so i relate to people like that most, and they help keep me motivated too.
    Hah! This depends on what you mean.


    typewise... my closest friends are, i think - ENFJ 3w4, ESFJ 2w3, ENFJ 2w3, ENFP 7w6.
    Uh oh! No introverts.


    YES. i am not an advice hotline.
    Myself, I'm not an "anti-boredom" device. Thank you.

    Quote Originally Posted by fragrance View Post
    I'm very Te on this one: I actually have an Excel spreadsheet where almost all my friends and acquaintances are ranked. The most important criteria are: trust, chemistry, intelligence, reliability, ambition, character, open-mindedness, mutual interests.
    Holy Shit!


    I can see that maybe I would find someone wasn't as openminded as I thought they were or something, but I doubt it would change my opinion of the whole. I think in my mind it would just mean I didn't care as much about that trait as I thought I did, so I was mistaken about me.
    I am very open-minded.

  2. #32
    Senior Member BAJ's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fragrance View Post
    Why painful?



    Eh, I'm not sure I meet enough criteria to be very many peoples' friends based on the filtration herein. I want to be friends, but I'm not sure I have enough charm, charisma, chemistry, physical attractiveness, etc...to meet the standards.

    I myself, though.

    Also, I have criteria too, which are flexible, and I'm not sure about how to express those. It depends on feeling. I don't know if I have any rigid characterizations.

    Pluses, but not necessarily
    1. Non-judgmentalism, which is like the opposite of this thread
    2. Tolerance of messiness, absent-mindness, me needing lots of space, moodiness, and other stuff.
    3. Find humor in errors, rather than getting upset.
    4. Embrace imperfection as a concept and spiritual value.
    5. Love the less fortunate
    6. No racism or bigotry
    7. Generally liberal and accepting of things like homosexuality
    8. Tolerance of conservatives and religious
    9. Avid reader since I prefer to express myself in writing.
    10. Bohemian and open-minded
    11. Not put off by lack of material success, or don't judge people by conspicuous consumption of commodities
    12. Wanderlust
    13. love of nature
    14. love of animals
    15. Non-hierarchical
    16. Love of books
    17. Fascination with the macabre
    18. Likes Tim Burton and Stanley Kubrick
    19. Interest in mysticism and Buddhism...Eastern Mysticism
    20. Non-dogmatic
    21. Understanding of Jonathan Livingston Seagull, The Little Prince, The Velveteen Rabbit, The Missing Piece Meets the Big O, and other books...a correspondence between what we have read...Want into my heart? Love certain books; discuss certain books.

    If someone is rejecting me or perceive that they will, my impulse is to reject them first.

    Anyway, as posted in the video challenge thread, people can judge my person and "attractiveness" to decide if they want to be friends, so that I can learn about whether you'll be acquaintances that I love, enemies that I love, or friends

  3. #33
    Senior Member mochajava's Avatar
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    This is very basic, but - since I move around a lot, the friends that stick have to be good at keeping in touch. I think that's a big part of it. And that in itself implies that you had to be into talking to each other, rather than an activity, and that you have a wide range of subjects to talk about, since what you're doing will change so much.

    I have 3 email penpals, and~3 paper penpals. I like it Oh, and I hate facebook.

  4. #34
    Diving into Ni-space Crescent Fresh's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by nolla View Post
    Yeah, there are people whose communication is based only on complaining about things. It's all right if people complain to me about their worries, but if it is all there is, I feel like they are dragging me down. It seems like they are not even interested in solutions. I give them another perspective and they dismiss it because if they solved their problems they wouldn't have anything to talk about.
    Oh yes. I definitely can relate to how hard it is to deal with those emotional vampires. Though if I consider him/her as a close friend, I generally can tolerate it. Isn't that what's friends are for?

    One of my best friends indeed has this problem. However, it's part of her nature to complain about others and I just learned to accept that. There are other qualities that she has which I found valuable--loyalty, honesty, caring, and sentimentality. I usually calculate in my head weighing out all the pros and cons for keeping a friend. Once I decided that I can overlook those negative traits with the positive ones, I can be incredibly patient with their flaws.

  5. #35
    Diving into Ni-space Crescent Fresh's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Elfboy View Post
    I refuse to be friends with anyone who doesn't meet all of this criteria. some added plusses may include

    1) funny
    2) intelligent (while intelligent people are vastly superior, I'm still willing to be friends with someone who isn't terribly intelligent)
    3) sophisticated
    4) able to contribute something of value to my knowledge base
    5) sexy. if you're a guy, I'm probably more likely to be your friend if you're sexy lol
    6) stylish
    Let's say someone meet your criteria #1 to #4, but they are not sexy nor stylish, you wouldn't accept them at all?

    How many friends do you have that falls under criteria #1 to #6 btw?

  6. #36
    i love skylights's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BAJ View Post
    I think my sense of humor can tend to macabre, but I'm not sure that's what you mean exactly.
    sure, that would count. what i mean by appreciating darkness is just that you can not freak out if i make a dead baby joke, basically. i know some people who don't like any sort of mention of anything less than happiness and light in their jokes... no irony, sarcasm, sick humor, etc. i love them but it would be hard for us to have a very close friendship because my sense of humor has a little bite to it. i would have to restrict myself all the time or they would end up being offended all the time.

    I need to work on being more positive. I think this one needs work.
    well, just me personally, i find there's a big difference between knowing you're feeling down and intending to be positive, and being down and not doing anything about it.

    the most frustrating person i know who is a "downer" tends to message me whenever she wants to complain about things... then she wants to hang out but if things don't go exactly the way she wants then she complains... that's not really the same as being kind of depressy. she's obstinate.

    Uh oh! No introverts.
    i still love you guys most of my good friends when i was younger were introverts. it's just that, now that i have grown more into my extraversion, it's easier for me and other extraverts to run on similar social levels. introverts tend to get sick of me... lol... :blushing:

  7. #37
    Diving into Ni-space Crescent Fresh's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by HeatherC View Post
    1. open with inner self, express themselves (not self-contained)
    2. straightforward honesty and a dash of sweetness underneath
    I consider these two as important qualities.

    I would also like to add the following:

    1. Sense of humor (I get bored easily, and I realized I tend to hang out more with people who have a great sense of humor)
    2. Strong achiever (I love to be motivated through interacting with them, listening to their stories and learning the entire process of achieving their goals--it's fascinating. Indirect it helps me to motivate myself more or set a higher goals)
    3. Humbleness (I think this has to do with basic manner, I strongly value someone who does not brag about their achievements. That's totally not classy)
    4. Non-clingy (I need too much personal space and I value friends who are not entirely dependent on me)
    5. Confidence (I have always believe that you can always learn something with people who are confident in themselves, though not all but most of them are capable of)
    6. Deepness in thinking (I absolutely avoid pointless chit-chat, and am attracted to deep thinkers who share their big ideas among friends)

  8. #38
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    Quote Originally Posted by Crescent Fresh View Post
    1. Sense of humor (I get bored easily, and I realized I tend to hang out more with people who have a great sense of humor)
    2. Strong achiever (I love to be motivated through interacting with them, listening to their stories and learning the entire process of achieving their goals--it's fascinating. Indirect it helps me to motivate myself more or set a higher goals)
    3. Humbleness (I think this has to do with basic manner, I strongly value someone who does not brag about their achievements. That's totally not classy)
    4. Non-clingy (I need too much personal space and I value friends who are not entirely dependent on me)
    5. Confidence (I have always believe that you can always learn something with people who are confident in themselves, though not all but most of them are capable of)
    6. Deepness in thinking (I absolutely avoid pointless chit-chat, and am attracted to deep thinkers who share their big ideas among friends)
    I agree with all of these, perhaps except number 2.

  9. #39
    Senior Member BAJ's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Crescent Fresh View Post
    I consider these two as important qualities.

    I would also like to add the following:


    2. Strong achiever (I love to be motivated through interacting with them, listening to their stories and learning the entire process of achieving their goals--it's fascinating. Indirect it helps me to motivate myself more or set a higher goals)
    3. Humbleness (I think this has to do with basic manner, I strongly value someone who does not brag about their achievements. That's totally not classy)

    What is the difference between these two (#3 and #2)? Is it the attitude and tone of voice? What are examples of one you would reject versus one you would accept?

  10. #40
    Diving into Ni-space Crescent Fresh's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BAJ View Post
    What is the difference between these two (#3 and #2)? Is it the attitude and tone of voice? What are examples of one you would reject versus one you would accept?
    I personally am attracted to people who secretly tried their best to perfect themselves, aside from focusing on achieving their goals. You know how some people hardly brag about their achievements but just let people to discover them accidentally, or never, on their own?

    Whenever I had discovered those special moments, that's when I would like to ask them more specific questions and often enjoyed hearing where their motivations come from. I'm not sure if that make any sense, but I find this seem to be a common traits among INFPs & INFJs so far.

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