[INFJ] INFJ complexity...

[Crescent Fresh]

There's one thing I wish I can break the bad habit of one of my INFJ common trait: Consistency.

I seriously think that most conflicts happened is when I detect an inconsistency pattern of public statement. This further lead others to think that I'm some what difficult, eventually leads them to think that I've a complex of the smallest details or issues.

 

[SilkRoad]

To answer your question, I often felt that when others judged us as being complex when we think excessively over small issues with lots of detailed analytical approach. This usually happends when INFJ tries to protect others or defend ourselves as we usually hated for being misjudged (which is an irony as we also tend to misjudge others at times). Then when things didn't work out the way as we wanted, or things started to become twisted in a negative way which we didn't intend, we tend to blame ourselves by believing ourselves that we are the "problem" and often regrets of our communication style. Well at least for me, I do tend to jump into the conclusion too soon as I lack of the ability to look at the big picture.

I SO relate to this! I don't know if it's quite what you meant but when I am emotionally upset about something, my Ni/Ti goes into overdrive, I start thinking of all these possibilities regarding the situation, what the situation really WAS, what it really MEANT, how many different ways I could have been interpreting it, how many different ways the other person/people could have been interpreting it...repeat like a million times. And if I get any new information about the situation, I have to resynthesize and tear down and build up again and it gets the whole process going again, and it's all emotionally mixed up too and AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH. And the thing is, it's best for me (being INFJ) if I can talk all this out with a trusted friend. But the problem is (and I experienced some of this recently) that even those who I consider close and dear are likely to react by thinking I'm just obsessing. Which I kind of am but it's kind of a necessary process too...it's not JUST obsessing...it's really something I have to go through...and then when they think I'm obsessing and it's unhealthy and I'm over-reacting and over-analyzing, I feel hurt and misunderstood and then it can be even worse.

There's one thing I wish I can break the bad habit of one of my INFJ common trait: Consistency.

I seriously think that most conflicts happened is when I detect an inconsistency pattern of public statement. This further lead others to think that I'm some what difficult, eventually leads them to think that I've a complex of the smallest details or issues.

Do you mean by this that you get upset about others' inconsistencies? I do too... The problem is sometimes that if it's someone I care about I let too much go in the way of inconsistency, but eventually realise it's really driving me crazy and I can't really trust them because of it... It's true that it's important to remember we're all human and imperfect and we're all inconsistent at least at times. But I've also realised that INFJs are more likely than some types (overall) to make sure that their actions and speech are pretty consistent, and we don't make grand statements or definite statements if we're actually feeling kind of unsure about them. We tend to think things through more than that. Speaking for myself, I have many faults but saying things I totally don't mean is NOT usually one of them. So it can really turn into a big problem if others go on their merry inconsistent way, and they may not understand why it's a big deal for us.

I'm more aware of this now, but I've really had problems in my life and really been hurt because I've paid too much attention to what people are saying, and taken it really seriously, and not realized that their actions ( which I should have focused on above all) weren't really lining up with the words, or indeed were blatantly contradicting them.

 

[Lauren]

V

This makes me think I'm an INFJ sometimes. I have to talk things out with my good friends and I've felt just the way you've felt. I also feel the same way about consistency, as Crescent Flesh says. I care about being consistent and with my good friends or someone I care for, I'm always reliable. I won't betray them in any way or say something that is inconsistent with my actions or what I've said before. I know I expect the same of others I care for when, in talking with them about something important, they actually may not mean to be inconsistent at all but are just being human.

I've come to feel I should just let myself accept my inconsistencies because I do have them even though I'd like to think I don't. I've agonized about inconsistencies in someone I care for only to have a good friend tell me that, look, he was probably in a foul mood and was being contradictory or just lost his mind temporary. It happens. It's hard for me to accept that because I try to so hard to be consistent. Even if I blurt out something that's wildly emotional, I will go back to that person and tell them I just had a bad day and forgive? I understand being hard on oneself in this way. If someone is my friend, I won't ever hurt them intentionally. I have to learn that sometimes things are said that aren't intended at all. I've said things that are the opposite of what I'm really feeling or that just sound bad.

 

[Random Ness]

We think we're complex because we don't know what to make of the world. There's just so many things, we're overwhelmed by them and need to take time to pick and choose (Je) what we think about (Pi). Compare this with Se which does know what to make of the world (is decisive) and gets things done.

"Complex" is another world for "confused".

 

[Crescent Fresh]

...The problem is sometimes that if it's someone I care about I let too much go in the way of inconsistency, but eventually realise it's really driving me crazy and I can't really trust them because of it... It's true that it's important to remember we're all human and imperfect and we're all inconsistent at least at times. But I've also realised that INFJs are more likely than some types (overall) to make sure that their actions and speech are pretty consistent, and we don't make grand statements or definite statements if we're actually feeling kind of unsure about them...

I think this could be a curse of our "J" instinct. I heavily judge a person based on keeping their words or promises in tact. Once the inconsistent patterns start to surface, that's when I started to do a lot of questioning, unconsciously of course. This seems to irk people (especially "P" types) as they always felt that I'm interrogating them like an FBI agent. Unfortuantely, many trust issues were broken because of the difference of our communication styles.

I'm more aware of this now, but I've really had problems in my life and really been hurt because I've paid too much attention to what people are saying, and taken it really seriously, and not realized that their actions ( which I should have focused on above all) weren't really lining up with the words, or indeed were blatantly contradicting them.

Same here. I had undergone a few episodes lately and finally realized by getting feedback for a better clarity from others (it works for me as a way to understand people better), it always ended up getting the unnecessary backlashes. Now I'm trying to constantly remind myself that no questioning should be given if I don't want to risk to spoiling any close relationship. But to be honest, that's really hard as I felt the relationship will eventually be lack of depth and become less meaningful.

 

[Crescent Fresh]

I have to learn that sometimes things are said that aren't intended at all. I've said things that are the opposite of what I'm really feeling or that just sound bad.

This usually don't happen to me that often (about saying the opposite) only if I'm not terribly stressed out. Though sometimes I do say things that are the opposite if I felt someone needs a strong reassurance (I did that especially to my students to give them a confidence boost).

 

[Random Ness]

I think this could be a curse of our "J" instinct. I heavily judge a person based on keeping their words or promises in tact. Once the inconsistent patterns start to surface, that's when I started to do a lot of questioning, unconsciously of course. This seems to irk people (especially "P" types) as they always felt that I'm interrogating them like an FBI agent. Unfortuantely, many trust issues were broken because of the difference of our communication styles.

My ESFJ friend is the most scattered, inconsistent person I've ever met. She's a Fe-ESE in socionics and social dominant in enneagram, if that helps. I also don't have a problem with that aspect of her. My INFJ, EII friend and I also tend not to keep our promises because we're super lazy (PoLR Se in socionics). :/

Could you give some concrete examples? I may relate to you if you do that.

 

[Skyward]

INFJ laziness could be attributed to being an enneagram 9 type. I relate strongly to the type as it related to isolating one's self from the environment and keeping the peace between people. 9s also have a talent with shifting perspectives but have a blind spot when it comes to looking at themselves (another trait associated with INFJs).

 

[INTPness]

Generally speaking, I think there's a lot of complexity in INxx. Introvertedness keeps a lot under the surface, intuition looks at things from various angles, so INxx can sometimes be a web of unspoken complexities.

 

[Random Ness]

INFJ laziness could be attributed to being an enneagram 9 type. I relate strongly to the type as it related to isolating one's self from the environment and keeping the peace between people. 9s also have a talent with shifting perspectives but have a blind spot when it comes to looking at themselves (another trait associated with INFJs).

I relate thirdmost to 9s, so I'm sure actual 9s have bigger problems with this.

One downside of being an INFJ is we think instead of doing things, like ESPs. There's a source of laziness. Though, ESPs have their own brand of laziness, because they have a tendency to avoid anything that's not "fun".

 

[the state i am in]

i think e4 seems like complexity because you run out of resources to accept yourself and then others really fast and it's difficult to keep up with the emotional processing and you feel like there's no place for you in the world and meanwhile with Ni you're trying to envision a new world that is an updated infrastructure for this one and it's not born yet so what do you do with it when the world is squeezing you out???? like you need faith but you don't have it and Fe is drowning when you can't accept yourself to stabilize your pole of that interaction/relation and Fe faith isn't something you can keep and store forever you gotta make it anew each time and it's only real in-interaction not something that can be privately had and you don't have the energy or faith to perform the version of yourself you want to perform because everything in you is leaking out and you can't accept it so how could anyone else so you're pre-emptively defensive. and then time is passing and you have to do stuff and stay on schedule and operate heavy machinery and clock in and clock out and the broken systems just seem like they have broken bodies piled up alongside.

i think the rest is just classic j shit, expectations, relying on predictions too much rather than real actual experience, images of thought rather than real stories that have subjectively informing, understanding where you are situated in this wisdom that we forget about because we are looking at the ecological significance and wanting to control what is OUTSIDE of us rather than OURSELVES and what we can actually control (e1s seem better, but maybe i just know healthy e1s). js in general take a long time to learn control theory like p types often learn at a much younger age. it pays to be more adaptive, turns out. i guess with the control thing also comes the delay regarding responding to your own past Pi representations rather than the Pe that you take in in the moment and see possibilities emerging out of... it's way better for quick decisions to be a p, Pi is too complex and requires a calculator all the damn time.

 

[SilkRoad]

^ thanks for this...quite spot on, I think I'm not e4 INFJ, but I do relate to 4 in some respects and quite a lot of what you said about e4 sounds familiar in this context...

Can you tell me what you mean about "control theory"?

I think I understand the thing about wanting to control what is outside ourselves. We know we can't though. I think of it mainly in terms of wishing that I didn't have to constantly fit my inner reality to the outer reality that everyone experiences - that can be so exhausting. It does make you wish you could just control everything.

 

[Skyward]

^
I can relate to the last paragraph. It has been a long slog to improve my understanding of how other people view the reality, and that is when I am not moping about not being as 'clear-eyed' as they are. Sometimes I wish hard that I was some sort of NP as they seem to see the world as it is and not embellishing it like I do with everything.

In the end, I just wish I was smarter, or, at the very least, could remember things better