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[INFP] INFPs and Social Masking

erm

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This is a common phenomenon. As far as I know, every human being does it often.

This thread is specifically in regards to how INFPs do it. I've read in many descriptions, and heard from them directly, that it's a major theme in their lives, and if they don't do it more than most, they at least notice themselves doing it more than most.

The masks are as much a part of the person as the "real self" (or the face, by this metaphour), it's simply that the "real self" is something the person is more comfortable with, identifies with more, is what they show to themselves (when alone), and is the consistent theme that doesn't change like the masks do. It is their "core", so to speak.

The various masks I am familiar with:

Childish
Unserious/joking
Apathetic
Vulgar/Shock value
Cruel
Stoic
Agreeable

Unlike when actually being those traits, using them as a mask I feel a big internal conflict, but currently find it difficult to stop. Especially if the interaction is rapid (anything aside from email/forum writing). This is aggravated further by, if the "face" starts to show, I retreat fast or regret it later. It leads to isolation, lack of intimacy, much regret, people getting a false impression, being misunderstood and many other negative things. Taking the masks off however, seems worse.

So what do you think of all this?
Are INFPs more prone to masking?
Do they just notice it more/are more concerned with it?
Or are they nothing special when it comes to this?
Anything else?
 

Santosha

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The two INFP's I have known really well didn't appear to mask, to me. Maybe that was because I was a close friend though. But even when we were around other people, they still seemed to be themsevles. Maybe a bit less revealing, or more quiet, or less likely to get silly. So I am curious about this masking you speak of. I will say that my one INFP friend and I met while working foreclosures. It was a tough job, listening to people loosing their homes and not wanting to. I think that there were times that the NF in us wanted to say 'fuck the system' and 'forget' to start foreclosure proceedings on certain people. Maybe misfile certian legal action. (Ofcourse we never did this because we both realized we needed our own jobs).. but I did see the one INFP take on a seriously stern, unbending, uncompromising persona when dealing with people. This was definately a mask, but I believe it was a mask we all had to wear to some degree.
 

erm

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The two INFP's I have known really well didn't appear to mask, to me.

What gender were they?

One of my suspicions is that this phenomenon is related to a specific type of INFP. Males will be hugely overrepresented in it because of differing social expectations.

I will mention that all my friends don't see the masking. I've been doing it for as long as I can remember, and essentially don't open up, so there's little for them to go on.
 
A

Anew Leaf

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I found it much harder to do masks when I was younger. I so wanted to stay true to myself and my feelings! Regardless of the outcome!!!11111oneone

Now that I am a little bit older, I find it easier to deal with having to wear masks.

For instance, one of my biggest problems has been when I feel a negative emotion towards another person. If this person was just an aquaintance or stranger, then I had a VERY hard time not showing my irritation/annoyance/anger/whatever. I had my little INFP "genuine" flag waving whole heartedly. Now that I have grown up a little, gotten a bit wiser on social sitations, I have learned to reevaluate this belief-action system. I realized that I was so fixated on being true to myself, that I was causing conflict and being rude when I didn't need to be. Being genuine is very important to me, but so are peace-keeping, and being polite.

Since this little epiphany, I have tried to be better about maintaining the peace/politeness in situations that I would prefer not to be. It is still difficult at times. But I have gotten better at it the more I practice.

The problem I now have is learning when it is ok to say, enough is enough, back off, to people. I am concerned I will go overboard and go to far and be mean.

This is a situation I am currently experiencing with an old and "good" friend of mine. My mom died last year and it has been very difficult for me to deal with. Her mom just moved to Florida. This is a difficult situation for her. Compared to my situation, it's a walk in the park. And I wouldn't think anything of it, except, every time we hang out together she complains about how hard her life is because of her mom being in Florida. It pisses me off!! However, I put my nonemotional mask on and I shut down my emotions inside and let the moment ride past because I fear what I will say if I don't do this. The satisfying thing would be for me to just go off on her and tell her what a selfish child I think she is at times, and how self-absorbed and stupid she is. But this probably would not be a good thing. ;)

I rambled a bit longer than perhaps I should have, but I hope this helps with your quest for understanding the weirdness of being INFP.
 

erm

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but I hope this helps with your quest for understanding the weirdness of being INFP.

Ha, it only makes it more confusing, but thanks for sharing.

My childhood was very different. I started out being myself in isolation (certainly never around others), but eventually even that changed. Masks everywhere, basically. Later on I was very reluctant to be myself at any time, but have slowly been able to come out during prolonged isolation.

I know others that had a similar experience. Some will likely post here, if they don't choose to mask it :)D).

I don't think this is something specific to INFPs. everyone does it.

Yes everyone does it, as I said. How much INFPs do it, and how and why they do it are the things I'm trying to focus on here.

If you think INFPs are the same as everyone else in this regard, fair enough, but what you've said is ambiguous about that.
 

INTPness

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I This is a situation I am currently experiencing with an old and "good" friend of mine. My mom died last year and it has been very difficult for me to deal with. Her mom just moved to Florida. This is a difficult situation for her. Compared to my situation, it's a walk in the park. And I wouldn't think anything of it, except, every time we hang out together she complains about how hard her life is because of her mom being in Florida. It pisses me off!! However, I put my nonemotional mask on and I shut down my emotions inside and let the moment ride past because I fear what I will say if I don't do this. The satisfying thing would be for me to just go off on her and tell her what a selfish child I think she is at times, and how self-absorbed and stupid she is. But this probably would not be a good thing. ;)

Why not go ahead and take the "satisfying" route - minus calling her "stupid". Tactfully. Not in a way that would burn bridges, but in a very straightforward way. Nothing wrong with calling her out on her overdramatized, out-of-proportion whining. In fact, she probably deserves to hear the truth from a friend about how she's acting - cuz she probably doesn't realize it.

But, what do I know? Does INFP Te have a way of being too blunt, therefore making the INFP hesitant to give voice to what you really think (in fear of alienating or hurting people)?

I know for me, in these type situations, I usually let loose with some blunt Ti to show them how idiotic they are acting and then if it becomes evident that they are feeling about 2 inches tall, I'll kind of feel bad and use Fe to "build them back up". Like, "hey, don't sweat it. I needed to tell you how you were acting, but you know we're still BFF's (lol), right? Look, I'll buy your dinner. On me. In fact, go ahead and order the best dessert on the menu - my treat. Indulge yourself."

Then they know I'm not disowning them or stating that I hate them - but they also know that I will most definitely tell them the truth when they are acting a fool. I wonder how that all plays out in the mind of INFP's.
 
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Glycerine

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Why not go ahead and take the "satisfying" route - minus calling her "stupid". Tactfully. Not in a way that would burn bridges, but in a very straightforward way. Nothing wrong with calling her out on her overdramatized, out-of-proportion whining. In fact, she probably deserves to hear the truth from a friend about how she's acting - cuz she probably doesn't realize it.

But, what do I know? Does INFP Te have a way of being too blunt, therefore making the INFP hesitant to give voice to what you really think (in fear of alienating or hurting people)?

I know for me, in these type situations, I usually let loose with some blunt Ti to show them how idiotic they are acting and then if it becomes evident that they are feeling about 2 inches tall, I'll kind of feel bad and use Fe to "build them back up". Like, "hey, don't sweat it. I needed to tell you how you were acting, but you know we're still BFF's (lol), right? Look, I'll buy your dinner. On me. In fact, go ahead and order the best dessert on the menu - my treat. Indulge yourself."

Then they know I'm not disowning them or stating that I hate them - but they also know that I will most definitely tell them the truth when they are acting a fool. I wonder how that all plays out in the mind of INFP's.

@ Saturned:

From a purely Fe perspective. You could also hint at another perspective and that can put in her place. I wouldn't say your friend is being "stupid" or "overreacting". Maybe she just hasn't dealt with that type of thing before? Your life does seem to have more struggles but there seems to be a fine balance between comparing one's struggles to those of others and discounting theirs just because one has "bigger" problems. I would say, "hey look, it must be really hard for you that your mom is moving away but at least be glad that your mom is still alive and you guys can visit. I don't have that luxury because my mom passed way." This usually works wonders and people go "oh" and shut up about their lives.
 

Tantive

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The untempered opinion of an annoyed/angry infp is like a sword through the heart....and thats putting it midly =]
 
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Glycerine

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The untempered opinion of an annoyed/angry infp is like a sword through the heart....and thats putting it midly =]

Is it bad that I want to laugh at them when they go into that mode? I find untempered inferior Te to be quite humorous.
 
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Glycerine

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Just some INFPs I know. One is the critic/comedian for his main mask but really sensitive/insecure underneath it. A second one is the sweet, Pollyanna type who seems to be looking for a purpose in life. Another is the biggest cynic but I think he's just really wounded.
 

Santosha

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What gender were they?

The one I was the closest to was a male INFP. The other was a female. I met both of them through work. The male INFP became a very, very good friend. On our breaks we'd go sit in his car and listen to music. Eventually we started hanging out after work. He was in pretty bad marraige. He loved his wife more than life itself, but she was a rotten emotionall vampire that took advantage of his love by making him work 70 hours a week (two jobs) so she could shop her ass off and live in a big house. Then she'd drag him through the mud because he wasn't "there enough." She also had a few affairs on him. One night I couldn't hold back any longer, and I very kindly told him what I thought was going on, and that he deserved better, and that I would always be his friend no matter what he decided to do (as most of his friends had ditched him because they couldnt handle his wife anymore) He hugged me and started sobbing on my shoulder. I don't know why I included this story, lol, but I never really did see him wear a mask. Years later the bitch left him.. shattered his soul, and I never told him, but it was the best thing to ever happen to him.
 

OrangeAppled

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This is a common phenomenon. As far as I know, every human being does it often.

I think it may be more pronounced in introverts. It's not a matter of consciously wearing a mask either, but simply being more reserved at first. Even non-shy introverts can take time to really get to know, which makes the first-impressions they give off a mere sliver of their whole self. It's not an act, but just the natural way they are with acquaintances. Not to say that extroverts don't have multiple layers & different angles to their personalities, but they seem less hidden at first, even if their character is still not clearly drawn. They're like a picture you see the whole shot of, but it's a bit blurry still, whereas with an introvert you get a corner of that picture.

The masks are as much a part of the person as the "real self" (or the face, by this metaphour), it's simply that the "real self" is something the person is more comfortable with, identifies with more, is what they show to themselves (when alone), and is the consistent theme that doesn't change like the masks do. It is their "core", so to speak.

The various masks I am familiar with:

Childish
Unserious/joking
Apathetic
Vulgar/Shock value
Cruel
Stoic
Agreeable

I don't consciously wear a "mask", but my personality can seem very placid, rather inexpressive & apathetic, and just plain dull in many social situations. It's not a defense or an act, but simply how I am naturally in these situations. My "true" self IS quiet anyway, and the more intense parts are simply not suited for many situations. It's one aspect of my personality, just a shallower one.

Unlike when actually being those traits, using them as a mask I feel a big internal conflict, but currently find it difficult to stop. Especially if the interaction is rapid (anything aside from email/forum writing). This is aggravated further by, if the "face" starts to show, I retreat fast or regret it later. It leads to isolation, lack of intimacy, much regret, people getting a false impression, being misunderstood and many other negative things. Taking the masks off however, seems worse.

I only feel this way when a "mask" is a result of shyness. Then I feel inhibited. However, I also find it hard when being my true self means being quiet & reserved, which it often does, and people poke at me with "what's wrong?" and "smile!" comments. So both the shyness AND my true nature can send the wrong signals. The difference is, shyness feels uncontrollable, and that's what is frustrating about it. If I have to, then I can summon the energy to be more outgoing even when I am not in the mood, but shyness feels like inability. My natural state is just something like conservation of energy & absent-mindedness.
 

BAJ

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Ah, I'm not sure if I do these, but I think yes.

I want to reveal myself, but I'm inhibited. Many things may go on.

The role I may play my be complex. It maybe an essence facilitated, stimulated or generated by a connection with each person, as if each person is a guide or link to a new world, the world with that person. My role...and perhaps even my identity... is subtly unique with that person alone.

In general, I try to inhibit or tailor my communications with that person to deal with them the best I can within the box that they live, within the parameters of their mind, both to protect myself and to protect them. I want to leave them in better condition. This may involve conflict, but hopefully rendered without harm or affront. If I can tug one their mind and expand, this is one of my goals, as well as learning something myself.

I have many other goals as well, but in some capacity I can be only myself, but I can also try (with in the context of myself) to be what the person needs. Of course, I have limitations for time, personal energy, and all things. We are speaking in terms of what capacity, for I consider myself limited in capacity, but not mind and heart.

So the categories in the op, some seem familiar, and others not me at all. Yet, I think my facades are more complex than those generalizations.
 

Rebe

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I think it may be more pronounced in introverts. It's not a matter of consciously wearing a mask either, but simply being more reserved at first. Even non-shy introverts can take time to really get to know, which makes the first-impressions they give off a mere sliver of their whole self. It's not an act, but just the natural way they are with acquaintances. Not to say that extroverts don't have multiple layers & different angles to their personalities, but they seem less hidden at first, even if their character is still not clearly drawn. They're like a picture you see the whole shot of, but it's a bit blurry still, whereas with an introvert you get a corner of that picture.

The core of me rarely changes, but the way I portray myself does change according to who I am interacting with. I pick up on subtle signals and despite the notion that some INFPs are socially oblivious, I am not. I try to behave appropriately based on the messages I am receiving. Sometimes that means I can be more myself, other times it means I have to tone down. I am not deceiving anyone; I am protecting myself in a way and making the social interaction comfortable for everyone.

In front of people, I am very bubbly, giddy, optimistic, smiling, mild-tempered, polite...

With close friends, I show my very judgmental/critical side. I am vulgar and crazier than most people suspect of me. One time my close friend told me I wasn't acting like myself, that I was very toned down in front of a guy I was seeing at the time and that it was not good. It takes time for me to be myself. With some people, it happens on the very first conversation and with others, it takes several conversations. And some others, it never happens that I can act completely myself.

I hardy ever show people my vulnerable or depressive side. I much prefer to put on a bright, happy face unless it is with close friends or I need to talk about something. I hate to be that mopey, negative person.

When I act bubbly, most of the time I do feel the happiness and the silliness so I am not faking it. It's just another facet of my being that shows up in positive interactions. When left by myself, I am often contemplating and serious (fi). When engaged with someone else, someone else's thoughts and ideas, I get more perky and excited (ne).

We interact with Ne so I guess we see many different ways of acting and meeting the needs of others as well as ourselves. We can morph a little bit to suit the new situation and the individual person. Most people morph a little as well, maybe we morph a few inches more because we are so in-tuned, flexible and open-minded.

Also! I do this thing where I may steal a couple of words or phrases that the person I am interacting with uses often, or mimic their laughter or their tone of voice. It's really funny. Is this something other NFPs do? I don't know why I keep doing it. It's like depending on who I am interacting with, I pick up on their lingo. I can speak rough english with curses/slangs or really proper english. It's quite odd actually, now that I am thinking of it. I was taking care of this little boy who uses a certain word a lot and for weeks after, I kept using that word as well. It wasn't as cute on a grown woman.
 
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Ginkgo

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Imagine standing for hours in front of a mirror, mimicking facial expressions not natural to you. Every twitch, muscle pulled, grimace, smile, every expression of happy, sad, afraid, is calculated and voluntary. Behind your carefully stitched face, there exists a strategist on a mental plane above others, cold, fearless, and unfeeling. You know it and no one else can even detect it.

Psychopath... or INFP?
 

Snuggletron

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I mainly view these masks as facades that are really me, they just have utilities for different situations. If I fear I'm being unauthentic, I'll fix it to fit me. Basically it's like having knobs for everything and toning certain knobs up or down depending on what we want to present outside at the time.
 

William K

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I mainly view these masks as facades that are really me, they just have utilities for different situations. If I fear I'm being unauthentic, I'll fix it to fit me. Basically it's like having knobs for everything and toning certain knobs up or down depending on what we want to present outside at the time.

Something like this?

audio-mixer.jpg
 

CrystalViolet

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People say I wear masks all the time. Generally I just adapt and utilize the INFP Chameleon coat though. My favourite mask is the quirky, artistic soul with a sense of humour. I feel people respond best to that aspect of me. It's the mask I'm most comfortable with. It's a complicated thing this masking. It's not really a false persona, just parts of me are more accentuated than others.
If I'm honest, it took me a long time to learn how to mask, or so it seems. I spent much of my childhood as a raw stripped bare nerve. Part of that is because my mother was a narcissist (one of the classic signs of a narcissist is someone who feeds off anothers pain) and my raw state as a INFP who's highly emapthetic would have been really freakin' tasty to her, so she enjoyed stripping back any protection I'd put up.Over time though, I grew stronger and learnt to accentuate parts of myself to hide the deep dark core of my being, but strangely, or not so much given my explaination, I think I accentuated the parts of my personality my mother could not understand, therefore exploit....the whole creative realm seemed to be some thing to which she had no key. Another mask which seems to be default mode (for work and stuff, but also developed during childhood) is the cold, gruff intellectual, another one of my persona's that my mother had trouble putting dents in....once adorned, usuall resulted in her screaming at me "Do you think you think you are smarter than me? Do you?"
I think masks tend to built out of necessity, during childhood, but I think INFP masks seem to be kinda flimsy at times....I'm not sure if that's because we seem to see through other people masks so easily, or it's that whole authenticity thing. Sometimes that mask won't budge, if the red flags are waving.
One of the big red flags for me is when someone tries to take of those masks forceably, maybe from lingering fears of childhood. Healthy people wait for the slow reveal.
 
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Ginkgo

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You guys realize that just about everyone under the sun wears a persona in order to blend in with social environments, right? If no one had the ability to do so, society wouldn't be able to function because everyone would be in a state of disharmony. Sure, if everyone functioned with clear and sober data processing like some sort of collective computer, simply sharing information, then we could function. However, most people have the tendency to get butthurt.

butthurt_report_form.jpg
 
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