User Tag List

First 123 Last

Results 11 to 20 of 25

Thread: Ethical crisis.

  1. #11
    011235813
    Guest

    Default

    Yes, across the internet at least, that sounds incredibly vague. It could give her the impression that perhaps she could help you find your way back to her, even if you can't do it yourself. You seem quite articulate--I'm sure you'll hit upon an approach that's gentle without being misleading. Don't leave her any avenues to pursue this thing farther by using imprecise language.

    Also, for what it's worth, I don't think going back on a decision that went wrong is wimpy at all.

  2. #12
    Senior Member King sns's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    MBTI
    enfp
    Enneagram
    6w7 sp/sx
    Socionics
    IEE
    Posts
    6,747

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Arclight View Post
    Me? LOL

    Yeah.

    Have you ever told someone a lie to alter someones feelings for you?

    I did recently. Although it has had the desired effect, (Win/Win?)
    It's starting to feel like a loss for me.
    I do care great amounts for this person and I know my lie hurt her.
    I also feel like I damaged my reputation with this person.
    At the time I didn't consider this, but I do care what she thinks of me.

    She is an ex partner and has had difficulty in letting go.
    I don't blame her on two counts.
    First, I ended our relationship with a smack she never saw coming and so closure for her is going to be more difficult to obtain by default, and secondly: I am nice to her, I like her and care and I can't always hide it. I feel maybe this gives her hope and so she hangs on.

    The obvious thing to do is cut off all communication. Sometimes that is not so easy.

    What I ended up doing in a state of frustration, is tell her that I am engaging in cheap sex with people simply because "I can".
    Her response tells all..She said "Listen to yourself, Have you gone mad??"
    I knew it would hurt and the deviation from my normal behavior would scare her.

    It worked. She has not contacted me and seems to finally be moving on with things.

    But I feel like shit.

    My questions.

    Should I just leave it as it is, since I know what I did is effective and it was the "right and merciful" thing to do, even if the method was underhanded?

    Or should I come clean and thus, maybe save a little face and spare her feelings, but also perhaps reignite her interest in "us".?

    Any advice?

    Thanks

    Arc.
    I don't know, Arc. Sounds like her response was more accurate than hurt. From a female perspective, I'd be more annoyed than anything. Maybe, briefly hurt. More annoyed and thinking, "what the hell is wrong with this dude?" Especially after you said something cryptic like, "I can't find my way back to you." It's all too confusing and dramatic. I'd be like, "peace out, man." Most mature people can respect forthright conversations. As an INFJ, you have it made, too, because you can probably have a forthright conversation without being too... Uh. Forthright, I guess. You can say honest and direct stuff and still make it sound nice and gentle. You may feel like shit because you haven't been dignified or honest with her or yourself. Go back and get a cleaner break or you'll just be adding to your emotional mess.

    (Edit: I think it will help her move on, too. Help her realize that she didn't do anythng wrong...)
    06/13 10:51:03 five sounds: you!!!
    06/13 10:51:08 shortnsweet: no you!!
    06/13 10:51:12 shortnsweet: go do your things and my things too!
    06/13 10:51:23 five sounds: oh hell naw
    06/13 10:51:55 shortnsweet: !!!!
    06/13 10:51:57 shortnsweet: (cries)
    06/13 10:52:19 RiftsWRX: You two are like furbies stuck in a shoe box

    My Nohari
    My Johari
    by sns.

  3. #13
    lab rat extraordinaire CrystalViolet's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    MBTI
    XNFP
    Enneagram
    5w4 sx/sp
    Posts
    2,170

    Default

    If you were going for a complete break....that did it.
    I'd leave it be, maybe apologise a few months down the track, but don't keep toying with her heart. Let her move on.
    Currently submerged under an avalanche of books and paper work. I may come back up for air from time to time.
    Real life awaits and she is a demanding mistress.

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  4. #14
    Senior Member countrygirl's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    MBTI
    ISFx
    Enneagram
    4w5
    Posts
    723

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by CrystalViolet View Post
    If you were going for a complete break....that did it.
    I'd leave it be, maybe apologise a few months down the track, but don't keep toying with her heart. Let her move on.

    I agree with this. I once had to be mean to an ex to get the point across because he couldn't let go. That's life.
    4w5

  5. #15
    Member Homer's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    MBTI
    ISTJ
    Posts
    35

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by CrystalViolet View Post
    If you were going for a complete break....that did it.
    I'd leave it be, maybe apologise a few months down the track, but don't keep toying with her heart. Let her move on.
    wow this is cool, I agree with this too.

    if being subtle hasn't worked to break it up, this may have been just the thing.
    I have had some experience with clingons, and I found being brutally honest was the best thing, but one time that didn't even work so I think you did the right thing?

    good luck with the break

  6. #16
    Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    5
    Posts
    48

    Default

    Well then as there have been many wise people who have already commented, I think I can add in my two-pence without feeling too embarrassed,
    I believe you should write a letter, I know, I know she might take it as you degrading her, and she definitely does deserve the truth in person, but writing will help. You can explain the reasons for what you did, tell her how you were feeling at that time, say you are very sorry, and that you both can stay as friends if she wants to. In the end of the letter you can leave a place and time to meet; wait for an hour or so over there, if she wants to talk face to face then she will come.
    Going back on a decision is not something uncourageous, rather it takes a lot of guts to realize you were wrong. Making a decision is a very hard thing, even though you might have made a wrong one, at least you did do something.
    The reason I am telling you to go apologize and explain EVERYTHING, (when I say everything I mean from the beginning it will also make yourself understand stuff more) is because if you don't then it will stay with you. Forever. (pretty dramatic huh? )
    It will come back to you in the most peaceful of moments, before you go to sleep, after you wake up, even while you are working. It won't go away, especially the guilt and self-hatred. Living with it is possible, but the only way to make it go is to discuss properly with the person. Write a letter first, (or email) and humbly explain yourself. It may take an hour or so for you to finally finish writing but it will help, write things as clearly as possible without ambiguous wording.
    Ok thats all........you can scold on me on giving such childish advice now.
    Nobody is evil, nobody is wrong, nobody hates you; but yourself.


  7. #17
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    MBTI
    FREE
    Enneagram
    594 sx/sp
    Socionics
    LII Ne
    Posts
    42,333

    Default

    Yeah, well, I guess my point is, the ex is kind of the victim here... not the OP... so I'm not sure why someone would prioritize the OP's "peace of mind" above that of the woman he is supposedly wanting to do this for.

    I guess it's a different mentality; but I always felt that, if I was the one who caused someone else hurt, then my peace of mind was expendable and should not be the priority in any efforts I made to "do right" by the person I wounded. (Otherwise I would still be acting in a self-absorbed way at the expense of, yet again, the other person.) If I have sleepless nights over it, or a lingering guilt? Well, that's the outcome of my original bad choice; better that, then hurting someone all over again.
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  8. #18
    Diabolical Kasper's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Enneagram
    9w8 so/sx
    Posts
    11,544

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer View Post
    Yeah, well, I guess my point is, the ex is kind of the victim here... not the OP... so I'm not sure why someone would prioritize the OP's "peace of mind" above that of the woman he is supposedly wanting to do this for.
    That's how I see it, you've hurt her, going back now to readdress what hurt her will likely ease your comfort while messing with her even more. Allow her to be angry at you.

  9. #19
    Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    5
    Posts
    48

    Default

    You are right in the different mentality part....... it is very selfish of the person to cause her more hurt just by wanting to clear up some lies. But well she does deserve the truth, it would be a great blow to her own judgment if she found out that Arc was really such a person don't you think?
    It could cause her not to ever trust herself again, and be very insecure, which is a greater price in the long run than feeling hurt for some time.
    Well this situation is like everything in life, there are many pro's and con's, it depends on one's own disposition and moral values of which to choose.
    Like that famous saying (can't remember the exact words though sorry) '
    The world is not black nor white, but shades of grey.'
    Nobody is evil, nobody is wrong, nobody hates you; but yourself.


  10. #20
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    MBTI
    FREE
    Enneagram
    594 sx/sp
    Socionics
    LII Ne
    Posts
    42,333

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Mysterious15 View Post
    You are right in the different mentality part....... it is very selfish of the person to cause her more hurt just by wanting to clear up some lies. But well she does deserve the truth, it would be a great blow to her own judgment if she found out that Arc was really such a person don't you think? It could cause her not to ever trust herself again, and be very insecure, which is a greater price in the long run than feeling hurt for some time.
    I do understand why you're going there. Just to examine the possibilities, though, if he goes back and she had believed THIS reason, isn't it the same problem...? At some point, she DID believe him, regardless of which point that is, and no matter what is done, he's still potentially undermining her confidence in her own perception because at some point she will discover she was wrong about him.

    (Personally, I think it's just as likely that she'll talk to other people down the line to get affirmation on her perceptive abilities, and other people will help her sort through things and reaffirm/adjust her perceptive abilities. At this point, the OP can hold no real trust and she'll have to reference other opinions anyway, to help her calibrate her view on what happened.)
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

Similar Threads

  1. Mid-twenties crisis: a new phenomenon?
    By JivinJeffJones in forum General Psychology
    Replies: 43
    Last Post: 04-27-2009, 09:58 PM
  2. "Mostly Ethical" - a parody
    By Totenkindly in forum The Fluff Zone
    Replies: 10
    Last Post: 02-06-2009, 12:21 AM
  3. [NF] Do NFs care about anything outside of ethics/emotions?
    By Kiddo in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 41
    Last Post: 12-05-2008, 10:55 PM
  4. Mother Teresa's crisis of faith
    By Sahara in forum Philosophy and Spirituality
    Replies: 18
    Last Post: 08-25-2007, 12:18 AM
  5. [MBTItm] Ethical Question: Under what conditions would you kill someone?
    By Crabapple in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 44
    Last Post: 07-30-2007, 09:54 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Single Sign On provided by vBSSO