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  1. #1
    lab rat extraordinaire CrystalViolet's Avatar
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    Default The XNFP and restlessness.

    Actually this is more directed at the older NFP's, 30's and onwards....but feel free to contibute anyway and XNTP's are not excluded either, as I rather think this may pertain to them as well.
    Do you guys get bothered by restlessness, and dissatisfaction? Much of my twenties, I spent bouncing round jobs and locations exploring etc, but I do have a pretty relentless desire to seek out novelity, and I do suffer from the grass is greener syndrome too.

    My problem is now I'm in my thirities, I'm feeling the pressure to settle down, buy a house....all those grown up things, maybe find a bloke and pop out a sprog.

    The problem is I'm not all that sure I want it......and well, I had a few hints that maybe it would be in my best interests to stick with my current job as it looks bad at my age to have never stuck at a job for more than two years, that and the failed bussiness and narrowly escaped bankruptcy.

    Do others struggle with societal expectations, and your wants and desires being at odds with them?
    The nut job I am, I want to try and start a new bussiness! There's other things too, I want to keep moving....but I never settle long to put down roots and mantain security....Do other people struggle with this as I do?
    Currently submerged under an avalanche of books and paper work. I may come back up for air from time to time.
    Real life awaits and she is a demanding mistress.

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  2. #2
    Senor Membrane
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    Quote Originally Posted by CrystalViolet View Post
    Do others struggle with societal expectations, and your wants and desires being at odds with them?
    The nut job I am, I want to try and start a new bussiness! There's other things too, I want to keep moving....but I never settle long to put down roots and mantain security....Do other people struggle with this as I do?
    Yeah. I'm 29 now and there are some pressures like this. But I've come to see them from a different perspective. I think I have finally concluded that I am and always will be a marginal kind of a person. The society will never get my point, so I might as well distance myself from the mainstream society that I disaprove of. This has a calming effect on me. I don't really bother with competing and having a nice facade and all that, so I can do what I want instead.

  3. #3
    Senior Member animenagai's Avatar
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    Oh hell yeah. One of my undergrads asked said I looked really restless while waiting for the lecture the other day. She said that I just looked like I wanted to 'do something!'. Yeah it's true, and it's probably a good analogy of my life in general. I'm always bouncing from one thing to another, concept to concept, project to project. It comes with being an Ne dom. I'm only really starting to learn the value of peaceful joys. I don't even mean things like looking up into the night sky or lying in a gorgeous meadow. I mean the joy of just sitting down and reading an enjoyable (but not necessarily thrilling) article, the joy of doing nothing but chilling to jazz. I need to learn to find happiness with less change I guess.
    Chimera of Filth

    A gruesome beast with dripping flesh
    Clings to me as a sick fixture
    My throbbing heart it gnawed apart
    It stalks and hunts me through mirrors

  4. #4
    Away with the fairies Southern Kross's Avatar
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    I really relate. I struggle to remain passionate and/or committed to anything for more than 6 months. I keep waiting for that click where something feels right in a long term way (that I presumed would come with maturity) but it hasn't come. I'm really worried I will never be able to be content with what I have.

    Crystal Violet, what country are you from? This can make a difference as to whether restlessness is socially accepted, job-wise. A Dutch woman told me that in the Netherlands, changing jobs every 5 years would raise serious questions (which bothered her), however she found here in New Zealand, that having a broad and varied CV was valued by employers.
    INFP 4w5 so/sp

    I've dreamt in my life dreams that have stayed with me ever after, and changed my ideas;
    they've gone through and through me, like wine through water, and altered the colour of my mind.

    - Emily Bronte

  5. #5
    lab rat extraordinaire CrystalViolet's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by nolla View Post
    Yeah. I'm 29 now and there are some pressures like this. But I've come to see them from a different perspective. I think I have finally concluded that I am and always will be a marginal kind of a person. The society will never get my point, so I might as well distance myself from the mainstream society that I disaprove of. This has a calming effect on me. I don't really bother with competing and having a nice facade and all that, so I can do what I want instead.
    I stated fairly early on in life I did not want a convential life. It seems to be a harder road than I thought, LOL. I feel some thing of an oddity at the best of times. I do feel some times I'm missing out though, but then when I visualise "convential" life, it's an idealised version, not the broken down shambles a lot of people seem to have.
    I think I'm not great at facades either, and life is ultimately not about keeping up with Joneses, at least not for me but I do get the feeling sometimes, I haven't quite become an adult because I didn't achieve certain rites of passage.
    Quote Originally Posted by Southern Kross View Post
    I really relate. I struggle to remain passionate and/or committed to anything for more than 6 months. I keep waiting for that click where something feels right in a long term way (that I presumed would come with maturity) but it hasn't come. I'm really worried I will never be able to be content with what I have.

    Crystal Violet, what country are you from? This can make a difference as to whether restlessness is socially accepted, job-wise. A Dutch woman told me that in the Netherlands, changing jobs every 5 years would raise serious questions (which bothered her), however she found here in New Zealand, that having a broad and varied CV was valued by employers.
    LOL, I'm from NZ originally. Been living in OZ for for 8 years though. I think it might be related to my industry a little bit. Some of the older folk find my career path intimidating. ?maybe I should come home. I'd still be faced with the why haven't you settled down to have sprogs question though, esp. from the fam though.
    P.S. I keep hoping I will be struck down with maturity, but I'm beginning to think maturity=comprimise/apathy.

    Quote Originally Posted by animenagai View Post
    Oh hell yeah. One of my undergrads asked said I looked really restless while waiting for the lecture the other day. She said that I just looked like I wanted to 'do something!'. Yeah it's true, and it's probably a good analogy of my life in general. I'm always bouncing from one thing to another, concept to concept, project to project. It comes with being an Ne dom. I'm only really starting to learn the value of peaceful joys. I don't even mean things like looking up into the night sky or lying in a gorgeous meadow. I mean the joy of just sitting down and reading an enjoyable (but not necessarily thrilling) article, the joy of doing nothing but chilling to jazz. I need to learn to find happiness with less change I guess.
    I like the little things, I just like them in different places, LOL. Having Ne as a primary or dominant function seems to be a bit of double edge sword some times.



    For the first time in my life, I have achieved some measure of security, and I'm on the brink of buying a house, but I'm really beginning to detest my job and all I can think about is how I don't want to be trapped in that job, in this stupid town paying off a mortage on a house that I half completed renovations because I got bored with it.

    It sounds whingey, and believe me I'm aware of it, because I feel guilty knowing there are people who would kill to have my problems at the moment, which kinda compounds my confusion because I should actually be satisfied with my current situation (apart from the lack of sleep). I tasted freedom though setting up my first business, and now that I have recovered from the aftermath, I keep remembering for six months I was free, really free.

    So I'm experiencing a little emotional incongruence as well. I don't think I've ever sounded so quintessentially INFP as I do in this thread!LOL
    Currently submerged under an avalanche of books and paper work. I may come back up for air from time to time.
    Real life awaits and she is a demanding mistress.

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  6. #6
    lab rat extraordinaire CrystalViolet's Avatar
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    I just keep thinking there's got to be more to life.
    Currently submerged under an avalanche of books and paper work. I may come back up for air from time to time.
    Real life awaits and she is a demanding mistress.

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  7. #7
    Senior Member BAJ's Avatar
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    As probably everyone knows, I just turned 40. I've fathered no sproglings. I live in an "apartment" provided by my employer on a farm (which is typical for farm mgmt).

    My path I worked 4 yr at the first job post-grad school, 5yr in gardening after a breakdown, and this is 5 yr at this job.

    In the sprog dept., you sound like more of attractive prospect than myself. I have a nice bower, unfortunately it is inside my soul, and the habitations of the internal. This is not attractive for mating, where I believe you need a place not provided by your employer and nicer stuff: an external bower.

    I look at things spiritually, mystically, and philosophically. I'm trying to venture out: "to find something more". For me this is like scuba diving. I put on a special suit with attached air and venture out into the world of the humans, carefully monitoring my dials for emotional equilibrium.

    I feel like I'd like to live closer to a city, but I chose a career that is quite rural. I do like quiet, but I also like some of the ambiance and activities of the city life. Yet, with my career, I don't know how I can find something closer to a city. The gardening job was closer to a city, but paid much less.

    Do I feel I lived up to mine and others' expectations? Not really. How to fix it? Not sure. Does it even need to be fixed? Maybe. What is really "wrong"? It's easier to change the expectations than fix it like "it was meant to be" in someone's vision. So we change expectations, but what do we change them to? Not sure.

    So I'm venturing out, and not sure what I'm even doing. I can't really say I'm finding a mate, since I don't have the stuff...generally required in American society for a reasonably above average person to attract a mate. Thus, I guess I'm seeking "warmth", and maybe "love" via the giving of love.

    If it were like fishing, I'm not sure my bait or lure is very nice. Maybe I'm fishing with an old shoe.

    Ah, but what else can I do?

  8. #8
    lab rat extraordinaire CrystalViolet's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BAJ View Post
    As probably everyone knows, I just turned 40. I've fathered no sproglings. I live in an "apartment" provided by my employer on a farm (which is typical for farm mgmt).

    My path I worked 4 yr at the first job post-grad school, 5yr in gardening after a breakdown, and this is 5 yr at this job.

    In the sprog dept., you sound like more of attractive prospect than myself. I have a nice bower, unfortunately it is inside my soul, and the habitations of the internal. This is not attractive for mating, where I believe you need a place not provided by your employer and nicer stuff: an external bower.

    I look at things spiritually, mystically, and philosophically. I'm trying to venture out: "to find something more". For me this is like scuba diving. I put on a special suit with attached air and venture out into the world of the humans, carefully monitoring my dials for emotional equilibrium.

    I feel like I'd like to live closer to a city, but I chose a career that is quite rural. I do like quiet, but I also like some of the ambiance and activities of the city life. Yet, with my career, I don't know how I can find something closer to a city. The gardening job was closer to a city, but paid much less.

    Do I feel I lived up to mine and others' expectations? Not really. How to fix it? Not sure. Does it even need to be fixed? Maybe. What is really "wrong"? It's easier to change the expectations than fix it like "it was meant to be" in someone's vision. So we change expectations, but what do we change them to? Not sure.

    So I'm venturing out, and not sure what I'm even doing. I can't really say I'm finding a mate, since I don't have the stuff...generally required in American society for a reasonably above average person to attract a mate. Thus, I guess I'm seeking "warmth", and maybe "love" via the giving of love.

    If it were like fishing, I'm not sure my bait or lure is very nice. Maybe I'm fishing with an old shoe.

    Ah, but what else can I do?
    No, I don't think I'm viewed as a very attractive mating prospect. I don't seem to have much luck in that department. Last relationship, I was left with the impression I'm little too impulsive (mind you it was an INTJ), to be considered a viable option, and perhaps a little too mercurial.
    Most of the time, I've just started getting used them hanging round, when they decide to end the relationship (okay, granted it takes me a good six months).
    I've actually kinda given up on finding a partner. Actually I wonder how people actually get together and stay together. The mechanics of which seem to elude me.
    I don't need that to be content...I just want to be happy in some aspect of my life. Being happy with what you do seems to be important, and it is some thing that I almost despair of finding. The longest job I've had was 2 1/2 years, and I attempted to stage mutinity in that job .
    Currently submerged under an avalanche of books and paper work. I may come back up for air from time to time.
    Real life awaits and she is a demanding mistress.

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  9. #9
    reborn PeaceBaby's Avatar
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    I am going to post this link because, coincidentally, I was listening to a radio interview (with the author of this book) this morning and it seems relevant to your post.

    The Amazon Blurb on the book:

    In her practice as a licensed therapist and through discussion groups all across the country, Sarah Brokaw has discovered that the women who navigate midlife most smoothly--who go on to prosper and to enjoy the best years of their lives--are those who foster five Core Values in themselves. In Fortytude, she shows how any woman can nourish these qualities in herself, and evolve and thrive.

    The five Core Values are:

    Grace--when a woman lives with integrity, capitalizing on her own strengths while admiring the strengths of others

    Connectedness--experiencing satisfaction in connections with others

    Accomplishment--the sense of realizing goals and getting things done--which is necessary in today's world, when women are expected to cram 48 hours of living into every 24-hour day

    Adventure--a willingness to seek challenges outside the normal comfort zone

    Spirituality--a personal approach to religion, and an understanding that life has a meaning beyond the day-to-day details

    In Brokaw's reassuring voice and through the stories of incredible women from all walks of life, readers can learn how they, too, can embrace and fully enjoy their forties, fifties, and beyond.



    And here's the link on Amazon: Fortytude: Making the Next Decades the Best Years of Your Life -- through the 40s, 50s, and Beyond

    It seemed like it could be inspirational and reassuring too ... I am likely going to read it myself, as a little pep-talker-upper. In her interview, Sarah Brokaw talked a great deal about finding your own voice, even if it seems to go against what society expects women of a certain age to be doing. Sounded a bit like what you are describing in your OP.
    "Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one."
    Eleanor Roosevelt


    "When people see some things as beautiful,
    other things become ugly.
    When people see some things as good,
    other things become bad."
    Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching

  10. #10
    Senior Member INTPness's Avatar
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    I definitely relate. You mentioned the desire to start a business. If you do, build a business that has "variety" (and room to roam around and delve into different areas) inherently built into it.

    Inventors can invent *anything* they want. They can learn about electronics and come up with ideas in that area, they can delve into the sports arena, entertainment, toys, food packaging, etc. It inherently allows you to explore any field you want, to go in any direction your radar wants to go. You will never find yourself doing the same thing you were doing 10 years earlier - or even 2 years earlier.

    Media - you can write (and/or collaborate with others to write), you can collaborate with others to make short films, you can get into some music, internet stuff, etc. So much to explore - but a business can be built on doing things in "creative media".

    You get the point. Things like that. There are ways to build businesses to where you aren't stuck doing the same thing over and over for years. You can change gears, learn about new things, go in new directions, all while working within your single business.
    NTJ's are the only types that have ever made me feel emo.
    ENP's are the only types that have ever made me feel like a sensor.


    There are two great days in a person's life - the day we are born and the day we discover why. --William Barclay

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