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  1. #11
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    Yes, I have always had a sense of restlessness, a need for change. When my life becomes stagnant, I get bored & then unhappy. A lot of people respond to stability in their life by creating personal dramas, but I hate that stuff also. When I think about the most stable time in my life, when I lived on my own, had a good job, kept a regular schedule, etc - I was not terribly happy. I definitely felt something was missing. I wanted stability with people, but not necessarily circumstances.

    I think NFPs need to be constantly growing in life or dissatisfaction sets in. Regarding Ne, Jung says the Ne-dom constantly wants to pursue the next idea, at the expense of what already is, and compound that Fi idealism, and you get someone who is always searching for something better. It's simply a part of the mindset to want to move forward into some hypothetical, perfect future. I know for me, stability comes in my relationships & my spirituality. When it comes to what I am doing every day though, I need that to encompass a variety, to be changing, so I can keep learning & exploring different things. If I do feel stable in those previously mentioned areas, then I also feel braver to take the chances where I want to take them.

    I haven't been dating my current bf that long, but I'm happy to say that we share life goals of NOT having kids & a house. There's nothing wrong with that stuff, but it can chain you down. I'm sure there are a lot of ways you can still pursue new things, but it's harder to not get caught up in the everyday mundane. We both want to be able to pick up and move to whatever opportunities might come along. When I was a teen, I fancied my adult life to be some bohemian, nomadic lifestyle where I pursued what I loved without having to call it a career; I'm coming back around to that mentality.

    I've also realized that if possible, I'd rather not take a 9-5. I also tried my own business for a time (and tasted freeeeedom! but also debt...), and haven't been able to get steady freelance design, but I'm still looking for avenues which give me flexibility to pursue other stuff when not working. Instead of changing careers a lot, looking for the holy grail job, I figure it just won't be the focus of my life or my identity. Since I'm generally content with a modest income, I think this is possible. I want as much time as possible for things that really matter to me, and it's more realistic to do that on your own time, not an employer's clock. The hardest part is probably keeping a simple lifestyle, so you don't require a lot of money to maintain it.
    Often a star was waiting for you to notice it. A wave rolled toward you out of the distant past, or as you walked under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing. All this was mission. But could you accomplish it? (Rilke)

    INFP | 4w5 sp/sx | RLUEI - Primary Inquisitive | Tritype is tripe

  2. #12
    lab rat extraordinaire CrystalViolet's Avatar
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    I haven't been on for a bit because I got sucked down that rabbit hole called work and wireless has been playing up a bit.
    Quote Originally Posted by PeaceBaby View Post
    I am going to post this link because, coincidentally, I was listening to a radio interview (with the author of this book) this morning and it seems relevant to your post.

    The Amazon Blurb on the book:

    In her practice as a licensed therapist and through discussion groups all across the country, Sarah Brokaw has discovered that the women who navigate midlife most smoothly--who go on to prosper and to enjoy the best years of their lives--are those who foster five Core Values in themselves. In Fortytude, she shows how any woman can nourish these qualities in herself, and evolve and thrive.

    The five Core Values are:

    Grace--when a woman lives with integrity, capitalizing on her own strengths while admiring the strengths of others

    Connectedness--experiencing satisfaction in connections with others

    Accomplishment--the sense of realizing goals and getting things done--which is necessary in today's world, when women are expected to cram 48 hours of living into every 24-hour day

    Adventure--a willingness to seek challenges outside the normal comfort zone

    Spirituality--a personal approach to religion, and an understanding that life has a meaning beyond the day-to-day details

    In Brokaw's reassuring voice and through the stories of incredible women from all walks of life, readers can learn how they, too, can embrace and fully enjoy their forties, fifties, and beyond.



    And here's the link on Amazon: Fortytude: Making the Next Decades the Best Years of Your Life -- through the 40s, 50s, and Beyond

    It seemed like it could be inspirational and reassuring too ... I am likely going to read it myself, as a little pep-talker-upper. In her interview, Sarah Brokaw talked a great deal about finding your own voice, even if it seems to go against what society expects women of a certain age to be doing. Sounded a bit like what you are describing in your OP.
    PB,
    I might have to check it out. It's seems I am perhaps struggling to find my voice. LOL, I think I'm becoming a self help book addict!

    Quote Originally Posted by INTPness View Post
    I definitely relate. You mentioned the desire to start a business. If you do, build a business that has "variety" (and room to roam around and delve into different areas) inherently built into it.

    Inventors can invent *anything* they want. They can learn about electronics and come up with ideas in that area, they can delve into the sports arena, entertainment, toys, food packaging, etc. It inherently allows you to explore any field you want, to go in any direction your radar wants to go. You will never find yourself doing the same thing you were doing 10 years earlier - or even 2 years earlier.

    Media - you can write (and/or collaborate with others to write), you can collaborate with others to make short films, you can get into some music, internet stuff, etc. So much to explore - but a business can be built on doing things in "creative media".

    You get the point. Things like that. There are ways to build businesses to where you aren't stuck doing the same thing over and over for years. You can change gears, learn about new things, go in new directions, all while working within your single business.
    I'm more likely to go down the media route. I've done a fair bit of writing, and that whole artistic arena is an area I once found myself very comfortable in. I've got a few ideas up my sleeve, a few areas that I feel I need to research up on, but seem like potential sources of income. A rather large hurdle to overcome at the moment is that I'm in a fairly isolated part of the country, so a couple of my ideas need me to be in fairly large city, or least a main thoroughfare.
    I fancy the idea of being an inventor, I even known a couple of people who turned their hand toward it, I don't necessarialy have the technical know how for my ideas. I could learn. Definitely.
    The plan is basically to try and set up a few seperate sources of income from different areas, so when the time comes if they are generating enough I can quit my job, or at the very least see if I become part time. Then if that's going all tickity boo, I can move to the second stage of my plan. I'm still in the idea generating and researching stage.

    Quote Originally Posted by OrangeAppled View Post
    Yes, I have always had a sense of restlessness, a need for change. When my life becomes stagnant, I get bored & then unhappy. A lot of people respond to stability in their life by creating personal dramas, but I hate that stuff also. When I think about the most stable time in my life, when I lived on my own, had a good job, kept a regular schedule, etc - I was not terribly happy. I definitely felt something was missing. I wanted stability with people, but not necessarily circumstances.

    I think NFPs need to be constantly growing in life or dissatisfaction sets in. Regarding Ne, Jung says the Ne-dom constantly wants to pursue the next idea, at the expense of what already is, and compound that Fi idealism, and you get someone who is always searching for something better. It's simply a part of the mindset to want to move forward into some hypothetical, perfect future. I know for me, stability comes in my relationships & my spirituality. When it comes to what I am doing every day though, I need that to encompass a variety, to be changing, so I can keep learning & exploring different things. If I do feel stable in those previously mentioned areas, then I also feel braver to take the chances where I want to take them.

    I haven't been dating my current bf that long, but I'm happy to say that we share life goals of NOT having kids & a house. There's nothing wrong with that stuff, but it can chain you down. I'm sure there are a lot of ways you can still pursue new things, but it's harder to not get caught up in the everyday mundane. We both want to be able to pick up and move to whatever opportunities might come along. When I was a teen, I fancied my adult life to be some bohemian, nomadic lifestyle where I pursued what I loved without having to call it a career; I'm coming back around to that mentality.

    I've also realized that if possible, I'd rather not take a 9-5. I also tried my own business for a time (and tasted freeeeedom! but also debt...), and haven't been able to get steady freelance design, but I'm still looking for avenues which give me flexibility to pursue other stuff when not working. Instead of changing careers a lot, looking for the holy grail job, I figure it just won't be the focus of my life or my identity. Since I'm generally content with a modest income, I think this is possible. I want as much time as possible for things that really matter to me, and it's more realistic to do that on your own time, not an employer's clock. The hardest part is probably keeping a simple lifestyle, so you don't require a lot of money to maintain it.
    OA,
    Drama Queens aren't my bag either. I think that's why I get so tired of the whole work thing. So many drama queens. Right now, I think boredom is my problem. The town I'm in seems suck the very life and creativity from people (which is funny, because it claims to be an artist community). I look back at the times I've been happiest, and I always been part of something, a valued member of the community during those time. Something I'm missing quite desperately at the moment. Even when I didn't have a cent to my name, I was part of something, LOL.
    LOL, I am a little nomadic and bohemian. I actually quite fancy getting a motor home instead of a house, because one, I wouldn't have to move my stuff all the time, two, It actually seems much more practical for me. I'm just not sure if I'm being slightly whimsicle though.
    Flexibility is something I desire also, I'm feeling a bit like an indentured slave with this current job. My experience over and over again is because I'm single and childless, I draw the short straw with shift work, so I often get the really bad shifts and on-call. Every job. Even when I start off with a great distribution of shifts. People just get tired of me working when they are not. I would actually like it if I could call the shots, and not have my life sacrificed because some mother can't arrange a baby sitter. For any evening shifts at all.
    Sigh, Plus I'd really like it, if I could spend more time hanging out at cafes waxing lyrical (my favourite activity, LOL).
    Anyway, what iI really meant to say was you have a wise head on those shoulders, and you have given me much to ponder....I think Jung and you are right, Fi + Ne does not make settling for the status quo easy.
    Currently submerged under an avalanche of books and paper work. I may come back up for air from time to time.
    Real life awaits and she is a demanding mistress.

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  3. #13
    Senior Member Santosha's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by CrystalViolet View Post
    My problem is now I'm in my thirities, I'm feeling the pressure to settle down, buy a house....all those grown up things, maybe find a bloke and pop out a sprog.

    The problem is I'm not all that sure I want it......and well, I had a few hints that maybe it would be in my best interests to stick with my current job as it looks bad at my age to have never stuck at a job for more than two years, that and the failed bussiness and narrowly escaped bankruptcy.
    I can understand this quite well. I view all my twenties as a giant Ne-runamuck-ride. I never knew what I wanted out of life. Oh I'd go through phazes of stuff, lasting sometimes 1-2 yrs at a time.. I knew that someday I would want to settle down, but never felt It was the right time for me. My problem is that I've wanted to do everything, be everything, and I think that if you scatter and thin your energy too much, you can end up being nothing. (This is OFCOURSE meant to say, nothing accomplished.) I am not regretful of what some people might consider this "wasteful time." I learned alot about life, people, and the world. I have literally noticed a patter with myself that I seem to have to try alot of things, and then only figure out what I am by experiencing what I'm not.

    What I wanted to mention to you is that through-out all my phazes, one constant has always remained. I LOVE people. I love my partnerships. (And this is very typical for the NF). I've gone through phazes of being alone, and there was something amazingly liberating about it. Being who ever I wanted, never having to answer to others, never having others depend on me, being able to jump at whatever whim I wanted at any time without dissapointing. But always when I was alone, inwardly I knew that I wanted partnership. I think that because the NF's give SO very much to their relations, it can be difficult to find someone that can return this and understand us fully. But it is indeed what I want. Like you, I have always been happier when I've been apart of my community. I believe this is typical for the ENF. As extroverts, we must engage in our community and do something we perceive as helping, growing. My advice to you is that you find some way to do this. Even if its volunteer work once a week.

    Don't feel too bad if you haven't figured out your partnership/children stance yet. The good thing about this modern world is that more and more people are chosing to not settle down until their late thirties or forties. Many women are having children later. Most of my friends are now married with children. I have alot of single friends with kids too. Having kids was more of a distant idea to me, but after engaging with my friends that have kids.. I've seen so many wonderful things happen in their lives. So much growth. Not to mention, they all get to live vicariously through their children during holidays, amusement parks, zoos, museums, school plays, field trips. Its really beautiful to observe. Remember that having kids doesn't take all your freedom away. It can make things harder, and you very much have to put your childs needs ahead of your own, but there are plenty of people that still pursue the carreers and goals they had originally. In some cases, I've noticed that having kids has actually motivated some of my friends to get their shit together and be more stable, secure.

    Even if you decide that children is not your cup of tea, I know lots of people that feel this way too. My best friend and her husband will never have children. Both of them are very happy in their marriage, in their personal goals of travel, career, and family. I once read that the happiest people are people that frequently engage with other people. I think depression can occur with one is too seperated, in mind or body. Humans were not meant to be left alone. Infact, I see the whole world connected, the collective unconscious. But if you look at cultures and history, people have always stuck to their tribe, family, community, etc. It is important for one to feel a connectedness to other humans. It is important to have a place. I think that western civilization has moved very much away from this in some respects, and I think it does have some bairing on depression.

    Well, that was quite a rant, lol. Just know that how your feeling is typical.. and that it can take the NFP much longer to find their niche. But they find it, eventually.
    Man suffers only because he takes seriously what the gods made for fun - Watts

  4. #14
    Anew Leaf
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    Oh good, it's not just me.

    My 20's were spent flitting about, having no clue or direction for my life.

    Now I am in my early 30's and my life has taken a 360 spiral upwards from about this point last year. I finally had to grow up, get some direction, and be more of an adult. (Too long to read version of why: My mom got cancer, spent 5 months on the verge of death, and then did pass away. I took over running the business her and I started.)

    I still don't feel 100% fulfilled as yet. I want to work on my dream of writing and getting published... but I also want to find someone awesome to spend my life with.... My problem is that I feel very fickle in my relationships. Oh, I usually spend a great deal of time and energy in a relationship... but I also spend a bit of time thinking, gah! what if someone better comes along?!

    Some days I wish I could snap my fingers and turn into a responsible SJ. Grass is always greener... but their lawns sure do look neat and tidy with flower beds containing actual flowers instead of weeds.

  5. #15
    Uniqueorn William K's Avatar
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    I think it's a combination of several things

    i) There's the NF idealism and the constant need to improve ourselves so we're usually not content with what we have, despite the fact that we usually do ok

    ii) There's also the P-ness where we don't have (and don't want, ok maybe this is enneagram 4 speaking) a set plan to our lives and it seems like we're just flitting around and going nowhere. I do think that most NFPs actually have a lofty, overarching goal in life, we just don't travel at it in a straight line like others do We want to stop and smell the roses and we get distracted (Ne?) too easily. Imagine watching an America's Cup yacht race where the boats are just tacking and turning and weaving around.

    iii) And finally there's just a certain "youthfulness" and playfulness surrounding the NFPs, particularly the ENFPs. We tend to have a variety of interests that seem to not gel with our physical age. This old thread has some interesting comments (ENFPs - mature slower?)
    4w5, Fi>Ne>Ti>Si>Ni>Fe>Te>Se, sp > so > sx

    appreciates being appreciated, conflicted over conflicts, afraid of being afraid, bad at being bad, predictably unpredictable, consistently inconsistent, remarkably unremarkable...

    I may not agree with what you are feeling, but I will defend to death your right to have a good cry over it

    The whole problem with the world is that fools & fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts. ~ Bertrand Russell

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