[INFJ] How do INFJs deal with their need to be perfect?

[HiddenAutumn]

I wanted to know how other INFJs have overcome this overwhelming need to be perfect. I don't know if all INFJs feel that way, but I know a lot of us do. I find the way it affects me the most is when I think I'm going to disappoint someone or I have disappointed someone. Even if it was something small that I did on accident. It gives me the worst anxiety.

For some reasons it's the most severe in work situations. I'm constantly terrified that I'm going to do something wrong. I just quit my job recently and I was so afraid that my boss was going to be mad at me for quitting. I know it's irrational. Even if he was mad, who cares? But I think it just goes back to this false assumption that I need to be perfect and I don't know how to change it.

 

[iwakar]

If you substitute 'perfect' for 'competent' or 'skilled' I can relate better. I can't say there's any trick to moving past it other than realizing you can't (and don't have to) always get things just right and you can't (and don't have to) earn everyone's respect/friendship... I mean, who else does that? No one. So why do I have to? Just gotta learn to carve out your niche, own your mistakes (since you learn so much more from them than your successes anyway), and embrace the flawed humanity that will allow you to connect to "meaningful" others in a meaningful way.

Hope this helps.

 

[SilkRoad]

Personally, I think I accepted some time ago that I'm never going to be perfect.

But what I struggle with - and perhaps this really is what you're getting at - is not beating myself up forever and ever over the fails in my life. Whether that's in work, human relationships (those especially), or whatever. I find that letting go of the fails, and concentrating on the wins, and accepting that things just go wrong sometimes (and if it's a human relationship sort of thing, accepting that it is probably partly my fault and partly theirs), is very difficult for me. I'm working on it and I am not sure how to get there. I'd be interested to see what others have to say.

 

[iwakar]

I find that letting go of the fails, and concentrating on the wins...

How strange that you would take a diametrically different tack. Is it just our wording that varies, or is it really our approach? What do you mean by "letting go" of mistakes and "concentrating" on successes? Can you elaborate? I am very curious about your answer!

 

[SilkRoad]

Oh, I don't mean not trying to learn from mistakes, or whatever. I do think that's very important and I try to do it and I think I am reasonably successful.

What I meant by letting go of the fails and concentrating on the wins is mainly that I sort of...beat myself up disproportionately over things that go wrong. Like, one friendship fell apart, or it didn't work with one guy, or something like that, and it seems to overshadow everything else - even the fact that I have numerous people in my life who love and value me and I love and value them and we have worked through many difficult times.

I just don't want to start feeling that because I make some mistakes or feel negative about certain things, those negative things are what define my life and are symptomatic of my whole life. I do fall into that trap sometimes, and it's almost like I'm devaluing everything good that has happened to me, and the good people and the accomplishments.

Does that kind of answer your question?

 

[Quay]

Everything everyone else said.....boy has it taken a long time to get to that point! lol

 

[Arclight]

Perfect.. I don't know, to me perfect means more than just not being allowed to make a mistake.
I know I am not perfect but I still wont let myself off the hook when I mess up, I am brutal about it, I am thorough about it.

I am nowhere near to not treating myself this way.

 

[Z Buck McFate]

I can't say there's any trick to moving past it other than realizing you can't (and don't have to) always get things just right and you can't (and don't have to) earn everyone's respect/friendship... I mean, who else does that? No one. So why do I have to? Just gotta learn to carve out your niche, own your mistakes (since you learn so much more from them than your successes anyway), and embrace the flawed humanity that will allow you to connect to "meaningful" others in a meaningful way.

+1 I do have a tendency to be hard on myself- having pretty rigid ideals, and applying them more to myself than others- but I've definitely gotten *a lot* better about letting go of the need to waste energy in directions where there are people who don't deserve it. And with the people who do deserve it, I can honestly say I do the best I can- and put more energy/consideration into how I treat them than most people do for others in their life- so I've slowly become more forgiving as I've gotten older about those shortcomings as well.

I did struggle with it a lot when I was younger, though. I think, as time passes and frustration with others taking it for granted builds, it becomes easier to let go of feeling the need to do the 'most respectful' ideal thing in every situation. It just becomes clear that it's wasted effort with a lot of people.

 

[HiddenAutumn]

So, I guess, in essence, when I do make a mistake, I need to focus my attention on everything I'm doing right rather than dwelling on the mistake. I'll have to try that.

The only thing is, some things I do aren't necessarily mistakes. There wasn't anything wrong with me quitting my job, I just felt bad because I told my boss I'd be staying long term and I only stayed 7 months. But it was either that or not have enough money to pay the bills, 'cause I wasn't getting enough hours. So I really shouldn't feel bad about it, when it was necessary for my survival. But I guess I can just focus on the fact that I worked really hard the 7 months I was there.

 

[iwakar]

Oh, I don't mean not trying to learn from mistakes, or whatever. I do think that's very important and I try to do it and I think I am reasonably successful.

What I meant by letting go of the fails and concentrating on the wins is mainly that I sort of...beat myself up disproportionately over things that go wrong. Like, one friendship fell apart, or it didn't work with one guy, or something like that, and it seems to overshadow everything else - even the fact that I have numerous people in my life who love and value me and I love and value them and we have worked through many difficult times.

I just don't want to start feeling that because I make some mistakes or feel negative about certain things, those negative things are what define my life and are symptomatic of my whole life. I do fall into that trap sometimes, and it's almost like I'm devaluing everything good that has happened to me, and the good people and the accomplishments.

Does that kind of answer your question?

Definitely, we can easily cross the line between reflecting/ruminating to obsessing/harping.

 

[Rationista]

So, I guess, in essence, when I do make a mistake, I need to focus my attention on everything I'm doing right rather than dwelling on the mistake. I'll have to try that.

The only thing is, some things I do aren't necessarily mistakes. There wasn't anything wrong with me quitting my job, I just felt bad because I told my boss I'd be staying long term and I only stayed 7 months. But it was either that or not have enough money to pay the bills, 'cause I wasn't getting enough hours. So I really shouldn't feel bad about it, when it was necessary for my survival. But I guess I can just focus on the fact that I worked really hard the 7 months I was there.

I don't know if this is an INFJ thing, but I tend to place a lot of responsibility on myself, and enormous guilt inevitably follows when I feel I haven't lived up to my responsibility. It's unfortunate that your last job didn't work out the way you expected, but it's great that you did your best during the time you were there. I understand the guilt you may feel about leaving your job. I think it shows that you place a lot of value in honoring your word. However, it's also important to consider the things in life that we can't control and learn to roll with the punches, as they say. The more I've learned to accept uncertainty the easier it is to do so, and this ability has mainly come with time and experience.

 

[HiddenAutumn]

I don't know if this is an INFJ thing, but I tend to place a lot of responsibility on myself, and enormous guilt inevitably follows when I feel I haven't lived up to my responsibility. It's unfortunate that your last job didn't work out the way you expected, but it's great that you did your best during the time you were there. I understand the guilt you may feel about leaving your job. I think it shows that you place a lot of value in honoring your word. However, it's also important to consider the things in life that we can't control and learn to roll with the punches, as they say. The more I've learned to accept uncertainty the easier it is to do so, and this ability has mainly come with time and experience.

Thanks That's really good advice.

 

[Sniffles]

Yeah I have a strong perfectionist streak, and I'm hard on myself to put it lightly. I often take a deep breath and just step back and reflect a bit. Reflecting with a friend or somebody close to you helps greatly, since they can easily remind you that you don't have to be perfect or in spite of any imperfections you still have positive qualities.

This one piece by D. Vincent Twomey, S.V.D. aptly titled The Courage to be Imperfect recently helped give me some perspective. I particularly like this part:

The other anecdote is personal. Once he asked me gently about the progress of my thesis. It was about time, as I had been working on it for some seven years. I told him that I thought there was still some work to be done. He turned to me with those piercing but kindly eyes, saying with a smile: "Nur Mut zur Lücke" (Have the courage to leave some gaps). In other words, be courageous enough to be imperfect.

On reflection, this is one of the keys to Ratzinger's character (and also to his theology; in particular his theology of politics): his acceptance that everything we do is imperfect, that all knowledge is limited, no matter how brilliant or well read one may be. It never bothered him that in a course of lectures he rarely covered the actual content of the course. His most famous book, Introduction to Christianity, is incomplete. [8] Ratzinger knows in his heart and soul that God alone is perfect and that all human attempts at perfection (such as political utopias) end in disaster.

This certainly comes as sobering reflection for me, since I often like to delve into deeply intellectual and scholarly matters - but yet I can become overly concerned about the "gaps" in my knowledge and understanding of certain subjects. Understanding often comes with time, and one has to be patient. I'm still young, so I have plenty of time.

Hope this helps.

 

[HiddenAutumn]

Interesting Peguy. It seems like it all comes down to patience. 'Cause I know what you means about being concerned with gaps in your knowledge. Sometimes I just wish I knew everything, right now! If I was a little more patient I might appreciate the fact that I don't know everything right now, because it means there's more to discover and learn in the future. I also have to remember that set backs might actually be springing me forward. It usually becomes clear in retrospect, but when I'm in the middle of dealing with my imperfections, it's sometimes hard to see the whole picture.

 

[Sniffles]

. I also have to remember that set backs might actually be springing me forward. It usually becomes clear in retrospect, but when I'm in the middle of dealing with my imperfections, it's sometimes hard to see the whole picture.

Yes that's very much so, and it's important to try to refocus on the big picture(which is where we as a type seem to naturally dwell and feel most comfortable). How exactly I noticed often depends on the situation, I don't think there's a one-size fits all solution - at least not in my case.

 

[mochajava]

I often do the whole, "if this were happening to a friend of mine, what would I do?" type of reframe. It's often exactly the type of comforting or new perspective you need.

I definitely struggle with the perfection thing a lot -- I often feel that I am only worth what I can deliver, and if I'm not doing a good job, well, then I'm not worth anything. So not being perfect means an invalid existence in this very caffeinated corner of the world. Yes, definitely a belief I'd like to change! This is a hard one to walk around with! I think it was supposed to give me a work ethic. It did

 

[Skyward]

As an Enneagram Type 9 I retreat within myself and find ways to numb the ache. I try to ignore the things that I see as potentially really important, especially when it's to do with other people. If it is one of those days where I have a lot of energy, I can quickly get the problem done, but those days aren't common.

I can get to the point where I shut down because I crash into a wall with important decisions. Once at that point I either just take a step back (normal reaction) or run into the problem head down just to get through -somehow-.

 

[Arclight]

The message on "The Calendar" today, instantly made me think of this thread.

"It's much more easy to forgive once you realize no human being is perfect. This includes you."

 

[Omission1234]

This topic is pretty much my biggest challenge in life. no joke. alrighty:
- first off I would agree with the statement its not perfection so to speak but gaining skills.. or honing them... haha.
-I have been called a perfectionist by my close friends and family members. By everyone else they say I look very very focused. probably true. no no i take that back... its 100% accurate

I dont know exactly why I have this desire to immediately amazing at everything... but I do. I've been known to just remove myself from like reality and focus/obsess on whatever it is I want to accomplish. and yeah like others have said I have gotten anxious and beaten myself up over imperfections and uncontrollable natural errors.

-When I'm working on school work, guitar( both focused and relaxed-- depends) , art work( more relaxed), projects like woodworking or mixing music I'm generally really focused on what im doing. mainly because I want to complete it to the best of my ability and its probably pretty important to me at the time.

- to relax and not focus on perfection I listen to music and dance around haha generally with my dogs.. they are rad.

- I also like I said above paint with music on for like 3-4 hours soo thats kinda meditative and relaxing.

- reading, if its a really good book for fun that can be like a vacation.

- I like taking baths, that is less stressful and near impossible to perfect in haha. I also listen to music in the tub.

- I write in my book or blog. I mark these though as rants, because i have poetry and songs in my books too, which im not too strict with form ( thinking about the content and images/ emotion is important sooo i do take time to put them together)

- Sometimes I get in the cleaning mode if I'm really bored or procrastinating from school.


in short music, painting and moree music... ohhhh and tea! I love tea, its cold here soo warm drinks help


I think thats it. but yeah I would say a few years ago i really struggled with perfectionism I used to be in synchronized swimming and alot of rowing + being closeted. I really thought I needed to create and maintain this immaculate image of myself for others. so they wouldnt talk about me and judge me etc etc...

- But now its just kinda stayed in my little projects and school work. I've gotten much better with my image and my own identity and in general just being myself, whatever that may be. But holy moly did it take a while and alot of reading and i guess introversion/ introspective analysis. also a few bad therapy sessions... they said i was frustrating and stubborn. In short I needed to figure myself out.... myself.

- you may call that perfection, like how ive developed but i see it more as creating a more mature, positive and healthy self. I used to be brutalllll mainly to myself but i guess indirectly it affected others..


- sooo anywaysss that was probably wayy more than anyone wanted, I just felt alot about that topic...... haha. clearly. alrighty.


byeeee.