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  1. #31
    Anew Leaf
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    @random NT drive bys: so cute.

    @Gloriana: so very very true! Especially the part about how most people don't even listen to each other. I observe that most conversational interactions seem to revolve around taking turns to speak. It's the only way I can really explain the draw I have with people I don't even know telling me their life stories in the check out line at the supermarket.


  2. #32
    Senior Member Winds of Thor's Avatar
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    People get sympathy from me quite often. I don't even notice that sympathizing is where I'm coming from half the time. And part of the time some get resentful towards me. I don't know if they are in a bad mood, don't want sympathy, don't believe that's the kind of guy I am..Who knows.

    Just do your thing and don't worry about them. Would you feel wrong for being yourself?
    "..And the eight and final rule: If this is your first time at Fight Club, you have to fight."
    'Men are meant to be with women. The rest is perversion and mental illness.'

  3. #33
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    This has never happened to me. I always start by saying something like, "I'm not a huge fan of ___, but I have seen ____, and I enjoyed it". I don't like to misrepresent myself. I'm more likely to downplay some knowledge or interest because of this.

    My INFJ e3w4 ex had this problem, but I suspect there was some subconscious drive to leave people with an impression that he was more [fill in the blank] than he really was. It was a problem to the point that people were offended by him, feeling deceived. Honestly, I don't think their complaints were without warrant. It went beyond "empathizing" and seemed like manipulation to win favor with people & make himself look good. Of course, he always played the "victim" in these situations - so "misunderstood" .

    For instance, when I first met him, we somehow got into a conversation where poetry was mentioned. I like & read a lot of poetry... the INFJ offers up that he likes Pablo Neruda a lot. I'm a big fan of Neruda. So come to find later he only knows ONE poem by Neruda, and he only knows that because he saw the movie "Il Postino" (which has Neruda in it as a character). Why not say that from the beginning? It really came off like he was trying to appear more...IDK, smarter, cultured, well-read, etc, than he was. The reality was he knew almost no poetry & rarely read anything at all because he preferred TV . This of course was a harmless attempt to impress a girl, but he'd do the same with much larger, more serious things.

    I really think he picks up easily on what appeals to people & tries to be that when he feels some desire to impress them. It's a form of empathy, for sure, but not a noble kind. I can't say I was too surprised when he'd often not live up to the picture he'd paint of himself, because I pick up on posing in people rather easily, but I allowed it to not bother me, not seeing it as a red flag when it probably was.
    Often a star was waiting for you to notice it. A wave rolled toward you out of the distant past, or as you walked under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing. All this was mission. But could you accomplish it? (Rilke)

    INFP | 4w5 sp/sx | RLUEI - Primary Inquisitive | Tritype is tripe

  4. #34
    garbage
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    Quote Originally Posted by OrangeAppled View Post
    My INFJ e3w4 ex had this problem, but I suspect there was some subconscious drive to leave people with an impression that he was more [fill in the blank] than he really was.
    [...]
    I really think he picks up easily on what appeals to people & tries to be that when he feels some desire to impress them. It's a form of empathy, for sure, but not a noble kind. I can't say I was too surprised when he'd often not live up to the picture he'd paint of himself, because I pick up on posing in people rather easily, but I allowed it to not bother me, not seeing it as a red flag when it probably was.
    I've traditionally been guilty of the above--to some degree, at least.

    With maturity, our true selves actually merge with that image that we project into the world. We realize that people can see through the crap, and we realize that projecting crap just isn't the right thing to do.

    That said, it's difficult for me to not relate to virtually anyone on some level. Sometimes, it feels to me as though I'm 'spinning' my story, just slightly, even if it is absolutely true. I've done it consciously and subconsciously, both to 'impress' and/or to truly empathize and guide others, at various points in my life.

    People come off with the impression that they have something in common with me; if someone has a story, then I can relate to it somehow--which is often true. But, hopefully, the extent to which we connect isn't exaggerated by some compulsive tendency of mine to try to find things in common.


    In fact, there's a whole fat lot that I relate to in this thread. Such as,
    Quote Originally Posted by Gloriana View Post
    I think it's kind of true that people, on the whole, just don't listen to each other. I see this for myself when I hear the conversations of others. They step on one another, they ignore what the person is talking about just to talk about themselves, and they invalidate each other a lot (not saying this is done consciously or maliciously). I admit I used to be the one who would listen and validate people because I wanted approval/friends so badly, but I've grown out of that. I try to bring balance into the situation by talking about myself and my own likes/dislikes/opinions, but so often it seems people are so used to being ignored that they just have this massive reaction to anyone who actually validates and shows they are listening to what they're saying.
    It feels to me as though, sometimes, adequate communication is a lost art.

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