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[MBTI General] Mind Games for Attraction?

Crescent Fresh

Diving into Ni-space
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Mar 17, 2011
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802
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INFJ
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I had an interesting discussion with a friend and she's a firm believer of using mind games to attract attention from men.

Though I am sure that all of us sort of play some sort of minor deceptive games a little here and there, but as for me I only use it to help me getting out of troubles, such as unwanted attention or responsibility (like work politics). I'll never use it for the sake of grabbing someone's attention if I'm deeply interested in them.




Anyhow, this is how she thinks:

"Mind games work. if you are too available--you fail. If you're too easy--you fail. You have to be a challenge. You gotta show a guy that you have a life and it doesn't revolve around him. You're desirable and attractive so act like it. You call the shots so if you act like the boss you will get what you want. Girls who do whatever the guy wants them get played, girls who boss up dont. Let him miss you. You can't achieve that without playing mind games."




So I wonder how you think of this?
 

AgentF

Unlimited Dancemoves ®
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i think you need to carefully evaluate your opponent before engaging in any mind games or mental trickery.

the only one i've both mastered and feel authentic/good about engaging in, is flirting (but even that can backfire, as ENFPs know too well).

i'm a big fan of transparency and zero mind games. homie don't play that way.



EDIT: but as a matter of anecdotal evidence, i have observed and been the recipient of laser-beam-like focus from men who want to conquer me. if there is a mutual interest, i am happy to oblige, and engage in that form of game.
 

Curator

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Im anti game mysel, I really do not like women who like to play mind games, oh there are some playful style flirting games that im ok with, but the mind games, battles for dominance/control, all that sort of crap, I absolutely detest... I prefer open no BS honesty, that way we can work on developing then nurturing a connection that can eventually blossom into love and passion... If a woman starts playing those kind of controlling mind games with me, no connection will be made, I will run the other way, and most likely not even be friends with them, let alone consider them for a romantic relationship...
 

Polaris

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If you're looking for a long-term relationship, playing mind games is one of the worst things you can possibly be doing. When you play mind games with someone, you risk creating a relationship that only exists by virtue of deception, and when that happens, you've put yourself in a position where you're never going to feel good about the connection you've established. The most fulfilling relationships are formed between people who act completely naturally in each others' presence, and embrace each other on those terms. Those are the kinds of relationship you will automatically gravitate toward if you express yourself as you are, without any self-consciousness coming into play: the people who don't accept you will steer clear of you and make room for those who do. If you start playing mind games with people, on the other hand, you'll find yourself pouring more and more energy into maintaining relationships in which you can never really be yourself. This will make you feel insecure, destroy your self-esteem, leave you emotionally uninvolved, and prevent you from seizing a lot wonderful opportunities that are out there waiting for you. So above all, be yourself when looking to establish a good relationship, even if it means that you have to let go of someone whom you find very appealing. When the wait is up, it will be worth it.
 

highlander

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If you're looking for a long-term relationship, playing mind games is one of the worst things you can possibly be doing. When you play mind games with someone, you risk creating a relationship that only exists by virtue of deception, and when that happens, you've put yourself in a position where you're never going to feel good about the connection you've established. The most fulfilling relationships are formed between people who act completely naturally in each others' presence, and embrace each other on those terms. Those are the kinds of relationship you will automatically gravitate toward if you express yourself as you are, without any self-consciousness coming into play: the people who don't accept you will steer clear of you and make room for those who do. If you start playing mind games with people, on the other hand, you'll find yourself pouring more and more energy into maintaining relationships in which you can never really be yourself. This will make you feel insecure, destroy your self-esteem, leave you emotionally uninvolved, and prevent you from seizing a lot wonderful opportunities that are out there waiting for you. So above all, be yourself when looking to establish a good relationship, even if it means that you have to let go of someone whom you find very appealing. When the wait is up, it will be worth it.

I agree completely with this. Mind games seem to be worse than a complete waste of time because the effect is negative rather than positive.
 

ilovelurking

New member
Joined
Aug 10, 2009
Messages
156
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INFJ
If you're looking for a long-term relationship, playing mind games is one of the worst things you can possibly be doing. When you play mind games with someone, you risk creating a relationship that only exists by virtue of deception, and when that happens, you've put yourself in a position where you're never going to feel good about the connection you've established. The most fulfilling relationships are formed between people who act completely naturally in each others' presence, and embrace each other on those terms. Those are the kinds of relationship you will automatically gravitate toward if you express yourself as you are, without any self-consciousness coming into play: the people who don't accept you will steer clear of you and make room for those who do. If you start playing mind games with people, on the other hand, you'll find yourself pouring more and more energy into maintaining relationships in which you can never really be yourself. This will make you feel insecure, destroy your self-esteem, leave you emotionally uninvolved, and prevent you from seizing a lot wonderful opportunities that are out there waiting for you. So above all, be yourself when looking to establish a good relationship, even if it means that you have to let go of someone whom you find very appealing. When the wait is up, it will be worth it.

+2 !
 

Crescent Fresh

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802
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I wholeheartedly agree with Polaris. Great summarization btw.

Though I'm thinking the early stage of attraction. I, personally, wouldn't play hard to get even if the interested is mutual. Though it seems that some people take the first stage way too seriously by plotting-and-planning how to lure others for 'testing' the interests. For me, that kind of testing for chase is simple a big turn-off for me. Though it seems like now, it's been viewed as some sort of universal concept for not taking the offer too easily. I suppose it does have to do with self-image issues.
 

BAJ

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I think this is similar to something I was discussing in my roles thread.

In terms of dating, I'm not very successful...not that I try much. But I like the simple and direct asking what people are interested in or not. Probably I'd be much more successful if I could "play games", depending upon your definition of success.

I guess I have other goals, since "dating" may not really be the goal much anymore:

(1.) Attempt to understand
(2.) Be kind or do no harm
(3.) Help them if you can, or try to leave them better than you found them.
 

You

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I think this would be better addressed in the Relationship's sub-section, but mind games exist with, or without intent. Honesty doesn't take someone off the hook. I'll elaborate further when this topic broadens beyond the NF extremes.
 

nolla

Senor Membrane
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I'm too egoistic to play games. I'm not interested even getting to know people who aren't interested in the real me. This is more extreme the more I like people. Basically I'm aiming to become 100% real in distant future. This might be too hard a goal, but it is quite important part of me... Of course, 100% real isn't exactly the same as spilling all info about me on people and seeing if they can tolerate it. That's actually somewhat opposite of what I am talking about. If I had such an info package ready, it would be fake, since a persons history is just a collection of more or less random data. And there would be a temptation to write the info in a better light than it really is. I'd rather show people who I am than tell them, and even in that case the showing shouldn't be active, but passive. In other words, if you want to know me, you must follow me around for a while and make your own conclusions.
 
R

RDF

Guest
"Mind games work. if you are too available--you fail. If you're too easy--you fail. You have to be a challenge. You gotta show a guy that you have a life and it doesn't revolve around him. You're desirable and attractive so act like it. You call the shots so if you act like the boss you will get what you want. Girls who do whatever the guy wants them get played, girls who boss up dont. Let him miss you. You can't achieve that without playing mind games."

Looks pretty innocuous to me. I wouldn't like it if she said, "Men are scum. You have to play head games with them. Make them beg for it." But I can spin the above excerpt as something more constructive than that, like an admonition to put your best foot forward.

For example:

You're desirable and attractive so act like it. You call the shots so if you act like the boss you will get what you want. --The author sounds kind of cocky here, but I can also spin it as saying, "Be confident; and if you don't feel confident, then at least act confident!"

You gotta show a guy that you have a life and it doesn't revolve around him. [...] Let him miss you. --This is actually very solid advice. All the psych experts say that you should try to retain a degree of healthy detachment, especially at the start of a relationship. That way you're in a better position to evaluate the other person objectively and to break things off if troubling signs appear.

And so on.

I don't really like the use of the term "mind games" because it comes too close to "head games" (which is decidedly negative). But overall, the advice isn't bad: Show some confidence, maintain some healthy detachment, and don't let the guy take you for an easy mark (don't allow yourself to "get played").

And if you can't actually *do* those things, at least try to *appear* like you're doing those things. :)
 

Thalassa

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I had an interesting discussion with a friend and she's a firm believer of using mind games to attract attention from men.

Though I am sure that all of us sort of play some sort of minor deceptive games a little here and there, but as for me I only use it to help me getting out of troubles, such as unwanted attention or responsibility (like work politics). I'll never use it for the sake of grabbing someone's attention if I'm deeply interested in them.




Anyhow, this is how she thinks:

"Mind games work. if you are too available--you fail. If you're too easy--you fail. You have to be a challenge. You gotta show a guy that you have a life and it doesn't revolve around him. You're desirable and attractive so act like it. You call the shots so if you act like the boss you will get what you want. Girls who do whatever the guy wants them get played, girls who boss up dont. Let him miss you. You can't achieve that without playing mind games."




So I wonder how you think of this?

From my experience it is the absolute truth. Any time I tried the opposite tactic I failed miserably.
 

rav3n

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I agree with polaris too.

My question would be, why would you be too anything, in that you should have a life outside of the relationship? And if you don't have a life and are needy, it's a good wake up call to start to realign your priorities within reason. As far as being the boss, that's more personality related. If it's not your real personality, you're going to come across pretty silly.
 

Craft

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I don't even see the point of both...attracting and mindgaming...why?
 
T

ThatGirl

Guest
Most of the people who say they don't play mind games, are the biggest contributors.

Unless you have some sort of prior knowledge of the person we are biologically designed to make ourselves appear as desirable as possible in X amount of time. Those who say they don't do this and are 100% themselves from the start are either delusional, very unsuccessful at dating, or trying to hide the fact that they play them.

There is nothing wrong with trying to be presentable. Myself, personally, suck ass when I am trying to make myself appear suitable. Lol, it just makes me awkward. So I don't play any games, and I am also a failure at dating and relationships. It would be very rare that I naturally become in synch with another individual but that is fine.

People want to be attracted and stimulated by their partner. If you are not at least somewhat interesting.....its not going to last. You can't just stay in your own bubble and own form, without getting into the mind of the person you are interacting with...and you shouldn't be encouraged to do so either.













:devil:
 

nolla

Senor Membrane
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Those who say they don't do this and are 100% themselves from the start are either delusional, very unsuccessful at dating, or trying to hide the fact that they play them.

There is nothing wrong with trying to be presentable. Myself, personally, suck ass when I am trying to make myself appear suitable. Lol, it just makes me awkward. So I don't play any games, and I am also a failure at dating and relationships. It would be very rare that I naturally become in synch with another individual but that is fine.

Being unsuccesful is exactly the point. I would rather choose from a few girls who are interested in me than a hundred who are interested in me because I've got the right illusion to sell. Maintaining the illusion is too damn taxing for me. Of course, I don't think this attitude is for everyone...
 
T

ThatGirl

Guest
So because the peacock shows his feathers sometimes but not most of the time, he is being a "fake" self?
 

nolla

Senor Membrane
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So because the peacock shows his feathers sometimes but not most of the time, he is being a "fake" self?

No. Of course you are yourself even if the self you present isn't something you seem to be other times. It's not fake. And it's not a game either. But if you don't have those fancy feathers and glue them on, you are faking.
 

Thalassa

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Being unsuccesful is exactly the point. I would rather choose from a few girls who are interested in me than a hundred who are interested in me because I've got the right illusion to sell. Maintaining the illusion is too damn taxing for me. Of course, I don't think this attitude is for everyone...

I learned to maintain an illusion because of my previous line of work, and would NEVER EVER throw out that level of game playing in my personal life to someone I was actually interested in...however, I found that when I am attracted to a particular man if I am too foward and accessible with my feelings, it's bad. It seems quite easy to attract men, on the other hand, whom I pay no mind to, and with whom I maintain my challenging personality.

Even in LTRs I've noticed that men tend to notice when I go away, or even intentionally ignore them.

Quite recently I "punished" someone by refusing to talk to him, and he came around seeking me afterward. This technique also worked with my ESFJ ex.

On the other hand, being too obviously admiring and pursuing a man openly appears to be some kind of turn off. I guess it looks bad to them, even if the real story is I'm still seeing other people. It doesn't matter if you're still maintaining your own life or even not keeping all your eggs in one basket...it just matters what it looks like, at least in the beginning.
 
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