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  1. #91
    Another awesome member. Curator's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ThatGirl View Post
    Holy shit, not to one up, but it gets worse the smarter the men are.

    I once had a man date me for 8 months (speaking 3 hours a night on the phone) telling me he loved me.

    I finally hooked up with him and the next fucking day he slept with my best friend.

    When I ran into his Bf a couple months after I asked him why he did that....

    The BF replied: "He knew she wanted anything you had, and she didn't want him. So he knew if he could get you, he would get her....and it worked."

    I had already dropped both of them at that point, but damn, what an eye opener.




    The point is, or what I learned after a while, you really should not look at all romance as being a mind game. And, truthfully....That was probably a rare instance.
    Same exact thing happened to me, but she dropped me once it was obvious she was GOING to have me, and obvious to the person she really wanted...(he kind of made a thing of going after the women I wanted to be with...) me and her, a couple hours a night was average, with talks of at LEAST 10 hours once to twice a week, for just under a year...


    Quote Originally Posted by skylights View Post
    hot damn, that sucks. 3 hours? i'd be fooled too.

    admittedly, the guy who treated me to lunch was a bit of a dunderhead. though oh, was he good-looking. a bad-boy type with a heart of Fe. i wanted to believe him. i did, for about half a second of bliss. then reality conked me in the head, and it only became more clear as he didn't actually pay much attention to what i was saying.

    one thing i truly, truly hate is people who reach out to you when their other relationship isn't working out. exes, friends, whoever. i'm not your backup.
    I strongly dislike that too... im not gonna be anybodies back up plan,lol.
    You are not powerless, you just need to accept your power for what it is, a part of the whole, no one man can save the world, but you can be a light to those who envelope themselves in darkness, The candle that sparks the inferno.

  2. #92
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    Quote Originally Posted by skylights View Post
    hot damn, that sucks. 3 hours? i'd be fooled too. i'm really sorry you had to go through that.

    tell me they didn't stay together?
    Lol, nope.

    She dumped him because he had "ugly boots". Days later.

    I met up with her a while later (big mistake but we were bffs for over 12 years). She claimed to not remember him. Lmao.

    People are crazy.

    Anyway not trying to derail the thread, just saying mind games and romance shouldn't be put in the same category.

  3. #93
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    Quote Originally Posted by skylights View Post
    and that's my point exactly. i think some of what we're calling a game actually isn't a game, but delicate relational patterns. i think much of what the girl in crescent's OP is referring to actually isn't a game in the sense of jerking someone around. so many people like to say no mind games, but where do we draw the line? when does acting like you do have some control over the situation become fakery, when the nature of human relationships is that the other person is giving you some control? isn't it actually more fake to act like you don't? all the girl in the OP is saying, is be the attractive and independent person that you are, and don't openly fork control over to the other person, even if your emotions are long gone. because if they're receptive, then you have some control too.



    where is the line, though? i don't even trust someone i've been in a relationship with for several months to tell them the full extent of my feelings - i've learned from relationships past that some feelings come and go and really, for the sake of both people, need not be shared. not all feelings are who i am, after all, or what i want in the longterm. sometimes i do not know why i feel as i do, or what it means. i don't always want to share those things with someone else. often i am glad in retrospect that i did not.

    i don't know. i don't want to come off superficial or manipulative, but i also have a hard time seeing a hard and fast line of where certain behaviors are manipulative and others are not. i think a lot of it just boils down to intention. are you trying to control someone for the sake of your own power and enjoyment, or are you trying to set up the right conditions to foster the growth of a relationship to benefit both yourself and the other person? power struggles are something i stay away from, but i can't blame anyone for trying to tweak circumstances towards their favor. relationships themselves involve a delicate balance of self-control and self-revealing. to initiate a relationship, perhaps even more so.
    That delicate balance of self-control and self-revealing, so true. If a man obviously likes me and is attracted to me and I feel the same, I don't try to keep my feelings to myself. I won't say them directly right away because that would make the other person uncomfortable. I'll show them instead. As a woman, I find the game of "you must appear disinterested" to attract him, not my style at all. I can't fake it. A male family member recently told me that men love to chase or "cross the water" to a woman but it's not the other way around. It may be true that the person who loves the least has the control but I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where I was in control because I didn't love the person as much. I have a hard time not showing someone I care when I really do and I know they have some feelings for me as well. If he's not attracted, I'll walk away immediately. What I've found is deadly for me is someone who shows interest and once I reciprocate, continues to show they like me and desire me. I'm hooked at that point and will show them or tell them that I'd like to further things but in a subtle way, as in asking them to dinner, etc. If the person then begins a push-pull, I'll become miserable if this goes on too long. I've never known how to play nor do I really desire to play the games that I know most women play (and play well). I know that appearing aloof and uncaring probably does work but eventually, if you get together, you'll want to be vulnerable and open up. But if you distrust the person to the degree that you had to pretend you didn't like them to "catch" them, what have you really "caught?" In other words, what kind of relationship will you have if it's not based on honesty or you fear showing your true self?

  4. #94
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    Quote Originally Posted by skylights View Post
    mm, yes, i considered e9 for a while because of that idea of "losing oneself" with another person, because i adapt a good deal. later when i discovered the instinctual stackings i realized it was an effect of sx, being that e9 does not really fit me.

    i suppose i have toed this line before - of learning someone is interested in ______, then reading up on _____ so that i can converse with them fluidly should it become pertinent. i would not tell them that i learned about it just for them. but i would not lie about my expertise, that only creates embarrassment later. beginning, i am quite picky about what i choose to share, and how i choose to share it.



    i have found this as well at times. i think the lack of sex even being on the table as a possibility can create a vacuum for greater emotional depth and trust. sex can be a puzzle piece or a distraction, depending.
    The couple of times that I became friends with someone before we realized we were attracted did create that emotional depth and trust and the foundation for a true friendship. So true. Then when we realized we were attracted as well, it became romantic (obviously) and intense. But having that friendship initially helps when things become more confused as a result of a sexual attraction. You remember that you like the person and whether or not you get together physically, you'll still like and care for them.

  5. #95
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    Quote Originally Posted by Crescent Fresh View Post
    "Mind games work. if you are too available--you fail. If you're too easy--you fail. You have to be a challenge. You gotta show a guy that you have a life and it doesn't revolve around him. You're desirable and attractive so act like it. You call the shots so if you act like the boss you will get what you want. Girls who do whatever the guy wants them get played, girls who boss up dont. Let him miss you. You can't achieve that without playing mind games."
    Trickery evokes trickery. Less tactics, more perception.
    Gaming itself is great, to an extent, but only for the purpose of increasing your enjoyment in the moment. Do not play to achieve a preferred outcome other than that.

  6. #96
    Senior Member King sns's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Crescent Fresh View Post
    I had an interesting discussion with a friend and she's a firm believer of using mind games to attract attention from men.

    Though I am sure that all of us sort of play some sort of minor deceptive games a little here and there, but as for me I only use it to help me getting out of troubles, such as unwanted attention or responsibility (like work politics). I'll never use it for the sake of grabbing someone's attention if I'm deeply interested in them.




    Anyhow, this is how she thinks:

    "Mind games work. if you are too available--you fail. If you're too easy--you fail. You have to be a challenge. You gotta show a guy that you have a life and it doesn't revolve around him. You're desirable and attractive so act like it. You call the shots so if you act like the boss you will get what you want. Girls who do whatever the guy wants them get played, girls who boss up dont. Let him miss you. You can't achieve that without playing mind games."




    So I wonder how you think of this?
    Most smart, eligible candidates know when you are playing mind games. The trick to attracting a guy is to have a life and not be too available because your life is full of other stuff. Not to pretend that way. Some people may be fooled into being with you with the mind game, but the truth will come out in the end. People can tell when someone's not being themselves.

    I personally play mind games by accident. It's in my nature and also stems from baggage. Hurting people hurt people. Being aware of this helps me to stop.
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  7. #97
    Senior Member King sns's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BAJ View Post
    I think this is similar to something I was discussing in my roles thread.

    In terms of dating, I'm not very successful...not that I try much. But I like the simple and direct asking what people are interested in or not. Probably I'd be much more successful if I could "play games", depending upon your definition of success.

    I guess I have other goals, since "dating" may not really be the goal much anymore:

    (1.) Attempt to understand
    (2.) Be kind or do no harm
    (3.) Help them if you can, or try to leave them better than you found them.
    This is such a pure and unusual way (nowadays) to approach relationships. It's actually quite brave as well. You may not be a magnet for men(?) (you're a female?) by acting this way, but then at the end of the day, you save time by ending up with someone really perfect for you.
    06/13 10:51:03 five sounds: you!!!
    06/13 10:51:08 shortnsweet: no you!!
    06/13 10:51:12 shortnsweet: go do your things and my things too!
    06/13 10:51:23 five sounds: oh hell naw
    06/13 10:51:55 shortnsweet: !!!!
    06/13 10:51:57 shortnsweet: (cries)
    06/13 10:52:19 RiftsWRX: You two are like furbies stuck in a shoe box

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  8. #98
    Ghost Monkey Soul Vizconde's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Crescent Fresh View Post
    IAnyhow, this is how she thinks:

    "Mind games work. if you are too available--you fail. If you're too easy--you fail. You have to be a challenge. You gotta show a guy that you have a life and it doesn't revolve around him. You're desirable and attractive so act like it. You call the shots so if you act like the boss you will get what you want. Girls who do whatever the guy wants them get played, girls who boss up dont. Let him miss you. You can't achieve that without playing mind games."




    So I wonder how you think of this?

    That doesn't seem like mind games to me but rather deciding to value oneself as "the Prize" vs a demonstration of someone who has low self esteem (most people).

    Choose a good label for when you start. I find that attitude to be attractive sometimes as long as its not overdone (i.e. self centered/boring/inconsiderate/selfish)
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  9. #99
    Emperor/Dictator kyuuei's Avatar
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    Replace "Mind games" and the "I need to show who I really am" with "be." Lets see what happens.

    if you are too available--you fail. If you're too easy--you fail. You should to be a challenge. You have a life and it doesn't revolve around him. You're desirable and attractive so act like it. You call the shots so if you're the boss of what you want than you will get what you want. Girls do whatever the guy wants them to, women dont. Let him miss you. You can't achieve that without being.

    All of the qualities of "mind games" to her are real qualities of a woman to me. Why act like that, when you can just genuinely be that? Or I suppose, to 'act' for her case is to just 'showcase' her qualities. I don't really see too much of a problem with it, either way.. unless it is all an act and the girl is acting like a woman while still really being a girl. False advertisement has been the doom of many a relationship.
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  10. #100
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    Quote Originally Posted by kyuuei View Post
    Or I suppose, to 'act' for her case is to just 'showcase' her qualities.
    I like this distinction. Thumbs up!

    Too many people are lame and boring simply because they choose to be. Often they say they want to be genuine but in reality they are lazy and scared. Scarcity creates value although too much will starve a relationship/interaction. Although rules of thumb are helpfully it also helps to have a basic understanding of the person/type of person, you are wishing to attract Me, I find there is a happy balance. Its fun being an artist and making yourself/the relationship, the artwork.
    I redact everything I have written or will write on this forum prior to, subsequent with and or after the fact of its writing. For entertainment purposes only and not to be taken seriously nor literally.

    Quote Originally Posted by Edgar View Post
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