I've been improving my life gradually the last year or so. I've had a lot of success in many dimensions, and a lot of staying the same in others.
Thing is, for those areas I've yet to improve in, I know what I need to do and I likely will do it at this rate. There is, however, one very important area I simply have no idea how to proceed in. So I'm asking here. It's a very strange thing, so bare with me.
I was sixteen when this started, I know the specific week it began but am vague to the day. I simply stared at the sun for approximately fifteen seconds. It was a "sungazing" thing I was trying, I don't really remember much of the why though, and it's not really important now. I'm still stupid in many ways, but I was much more stupid back then.
Anyway, after those fifteen seconds I became very "numb", all my feelings (more the positive than the negative) we're weaker "echos" of what they were before. Long story short, I panicked, in a very numb way, got depressed for a few months, in a numb way, got over it, in a numb way, five years later here I am.
I'm much happier now than I've ever been before, but for different reasons. That numbness is still there. I've since experienced brief glimpses of the old height of feeling I could achieve before, and can't help but occasionally remember the power of what I felt back then in comparison to now.
There's lots of problems with subjectivity, bad memory, difficulty measuring and such, but I'm quite certain the numbness is still there. I've tried to account for things like nostalgia, cherry picking and such, but the big thing I can't isolate are simple changes that coincide with the growth and maturing process. The main thing I have to go on are songs, video and games. Media in general was the most direct way I experienced the change, as I got some very powerful feelings from there beforehand, and they were the first I noticed faded afterwards. I still have quantifiable behaviour that emphasises the difference in how I felt towards these things before and after (goosebumps, cold rushes, able to appreciate a song many times over, they all went immediately afterwards and have not returned).
There are many possibilities I've considered (I did briefly see a psychiatrist on the the matter, but can't afford to at the moment), but I truly have no idea which to favour or how to approach "solving" any of them.
The main possibilities I see:-
1. When it actually happened, I think my negative reaction to the initial change may have had a larger effect than whatever else happened.
2. I don't think the sun did anything to my mind directly. More likely something similar to the placebo effect or hypnotic suggestion.
3. Both a psychiatrist and someone else suggested things akin to PTSD and EMDR. I can see why, but I honestly don't know how to find any trauma in my past that may have caused it. Specifically the psychiatrist said the level of focus required to stare straight into the sun may have exaggerated certain negative thoughts (I can't quite remember what she said). This doesn't help me solve much.
What I'm asking for is any direction really. Ideas, similar experiences, advice, questions etc. I'm stuck really, and anything you could offer would be much appreciated. I'm aware it's a strange situation, and feel quite vulnerable posting this.