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Thread: Heart broken

  1. #1
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    Default Heart broken

    I have been abused by a colleague who I believe is envious of me. She has harrassed me in public, in private and whenever she found an oppurtunity. I feel so angry with myself for letting this happen to me. I have left my job so I won't be seeing her very often but I'm finding it difficult to move on. I feel that I failed myself. Does anyone have any suggestions on how I could come to terms with this and approve of myself and believe in myself again?

  2. #2
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this.

    It's hard for INFJs to move on. Not seeing the person often certainly helps - well, I haven't been in this particular situation, but if someone has hurt or wronged me it sure doesn't help if I have to see them all the time.

    You haven't given much details about the situation, but I am sure that if someone harassed you, it is not a reason to feel that YOU are a failure. I hope that you have some good people in your life you can surround yourself with. I've been told in the past that you cannot let one person's mistreatment of you or poor opinion of you affect how you feel about yourself - particularly when there are others in your life who can affirm that you are a good and valued person. I think that's very true! This one person doesn't cancel our your self-worth or the fact that others appreciate you.

    Hope it feels better soon.
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  3. #3
    mrs disregard's Avatar
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    Defend your boundaries. People will not always treat you with respect, but you can respond to them in a manner that shows them that you have chosen to treat them with respect yet will not be pushed around by them. It takes a long time to hone your skills, but it feels great! Good luck.~

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    Senior Member INTPness's Avatar
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    My advice to you is that everyone makes mistakes or does things (or maybe allows things to happen, like this instance) that they regret or that don't make them feel too good. Just "start from scratch" so to speak: turn a new leaf, turn the page, and move forward knowing that you have learned from this and that you are now stronger and wiser for having gone through it. Don't allow the memory or the bad experience to "beat you up" - look forward and not back. However, do use the experience as a reference point for the future. When you see things like this starting to happen again in a different situation, you'll be able to recall your experience and you'll react much better, stronger, and wiser next time. I have a great mentor who says, "When something bad has happened and you're feeling really down on yourself, just remember that ZERO isn't a bad place to be. When you're at ZERO, it just means that you've been knocked back down to "ground level". It means your feet are planted firmly on the ground, you're probably in a place of humility (which is good), and you're in a place where you can start building something good again - from the ground up."

    Sounds like this was one of those experiences for you. Your colleague knocked you down (and as you say, you "allowed it"), but that's OK. Now you're at ground zero, you pick yourself up, and you don't condemn yourself. You just start building from where you're currently at and know that you can build something great when starting from the ground. When building a house or a building, that's where the foundation must be layed - on the ground. Zero is a good starting place. It gets you back to the basics of life. Remembering how to enjoy life and what's really important again.
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    Thanking you all for your understanding and advice, they are all excellent things for me to think about to help move on. In the likelihood of seeing the person around, at parties etc. how could I view her positively? Although being at ground zero may be a good place, and I'm grateful for the oppurtunity to restructure my life I sometimes feel that I want her to be harmed (which is not my style usually). How can I avoid these thoughts?

  6. #6
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    Call her up and scream at her in the middle of the night.

    You'll feel so much better.

    Seriously, though, why do you WANT to see her positively? Is this some INFJ thing?

    When you say she harrassed you, do you mean like you guys were somehow romantically linked in some way, or she just did it out of sheer cruelty and power moves?

  7. #7
    figsfiggyfigs
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    What a bitch. Good riddance.

    Consider the Pro side of this.

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    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    I suggest rising above it. Which you did. You did what you needed to protect yourself, a basic right to any living creature, imo. Look at her. Ask yourself why she does what she does. Look at her objectively. Watch her be consumed by envy. And pity her. Feel compassion for her. Know that what she did was wrong, and she probably knows it, but realize that sometimes, people can't help themselves. Not that this excuses it. But it'll allow you to see her for what she is: someone who needs help, instead of someone to fear. And it'll allow you to forgive her, and move on, even perhaps hoping she'll find the help she needs to become the person she has the potential to be. Contemplate what kind of life she must have, being envious of people to such an extent that she has no control over what she does, and lashes out in despair. And wish her well

    Though this experience is frightening, shouldn't happen, and downright shakes you to your core, in the end, it can enrich your life greatly through self-reflection through the lesson it carries within.

    At least..thats what I'd try

    I know. Easier said than done.
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  9. #9
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    Marmie dearest, yes she was secretly romanticaly attracted to me but in an unhealthy way, therefore I never responded to her which may have shattered her dreams...which may have angered her...which may have caused her negative behaviour. I also believe she has power issues. Why do I want to see her positively? I don't know. Either it's an infj thing or there's a good reason that I don't quite get. Maybe I don't want to face the reality that people can be cruel and selfish. And YWIR, I find it hard to just dismiss her like that. What's wrong with me?

  10. #10
    Senior Member mochajava's Avatar
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    Maybe you want to see her positively because you'd want that same forgiving attitude if the situation were reversed?

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