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[MBTI General] Feeling Like You've Let NFPs Down

Uytuun

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I end up feeling like that a lot with NFPs. Both in romantic situations and in friendship there seems to be something, you have an obvious attraction or you grow closer and then it just sort of seems to stop - there is no explanation, they just start distancing themselves. To me it feels like I've done something to let them down somehow (and I can think of one concrete thing that might have caused one of them to back off in hindsight and taking idiosyncratic Fi into account, but maybe that wasn't even it). It's possible that they just started to forget about me, but I don't think that's it, because you don't just not respond to people you've merely forgotten about when they engage you again, right?

Does that resonate with the NFPs on here? Insights?
 

Starry

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Uytuun do you feel these NFPs are 'actively' distancing themselves as in they know what they are doing? I actually cannot speak for INFPs in this regard because it may be a bit different...but I know for me and for my ENFP friends...we can become distant and truly not even know. And in this way it should not be taken as a negative sign. However, I am not so sure this is what you are referring too. Your last sentence I didn't really understand. Will you please explain?

EDIT: whoops...2nd to last sentence. Or last sentence in 1st paragraph.
 

prplchknz

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See my room mates an ENFP and she's been distancing her self, I feel better knowing that it's probably nothing negative. Or is it, I really don't know I'm just confused and cold and my hearts pounding and I need sleep but I have to pull an all nighter.

sorry, I wish I was a genius right now plus 2 hours of sleep last night and not real sleep even, sleep that i forced myself into while on aderall after i started freaking out.
 

Starry

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Hey prplchknz, in my experience ENFPs can distance themselves knowingly and unknowingly. And yes...even when they are knowingly distancing themselves it is not necessarily a negative sign. Like...just being 'stressed-out' with work or school or whathaveyou...could be reason enough for your ENFP roommate to be distancing herself. At least for me...when I am stressed-out for an extended period of time...I become even more scatterbrained then I am normally am (which is A LOT). In these cases I just need to drop so many things until I can get my head straight again. And sometimes I drop those closest to me because I trust them the most.
 

kyuuei

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Sometimes.. people become so shiny and new to me, that it is like finding a whole other world. Like I discovered a cave, with treasures all over the place, and so I'm always exploring it... looking for the treasures. I'm involved in it, and active, and enjoying the things I find.

Three things start to emerge after a while that all sort of collide into one giant, and sudden, withdrawal of that awesome place. The first being that something in life comes up and reminds me I have other focuses as well. Like, I am neglecting my long-time friends to discover more about my new one, or that school becomes a priority again, etc. The second, is that I overthink things... so I start to think maybe I am annoying them.. or making them open themselves up too much.. some people do not like that. I think maybe they are being polite because they know I don't mean harm to them, but x or y or z... My overthinking of this makes me pull back some. The third thing is sometimes when I am interested in a person like this, they mistake it for my being interested in a relationship with them if it is the opposite sex. Sometimes this is true... but many times it is not the case at all.. so I have to pull away and realize that they could be taking my curiosity the wrong way, and so I treat them like my other long-standing friends to hopefully ensure they get the correct message or do some damage control if they did get the wrong message. There is a fourth thing from time to time that happens--another world opens up. I find another door to a different cave that has other treasures.. and much like the last one I explored, for a while at least, I am always exploring the newer cave for treasure. In cases like this, it is temporary.. I am sure to re-visit the older caves and enjoy them just as much as I did before when I was always there.

I don't know how much this helps, I can only speak for myself..
 

prplchknz

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I think my issue is and it's a solely personal one. Is I sometimes become background and afterthought so people forget about my existence. I remember as a kid people saying that they forgot I was in the room, I guess I don't have a demanding presence or something.
 

Starry

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I think my issue is and it's a solely personal one. Is I sometimes become background and afterthought so people forget about my existence. I remember as a kid people saying that they forgot I was in the room, I guess I don't have a demanding presence or something.

What?? LOL. Okay...I guess people maybe come across differently on a forum then they do irl...but I couldn't even imagine forgetting you were in a room. You have such a stand-out, authentic personality to me - I love it. But okay...there have been times in my life when I am so scattered that I do become dependant on other people reaching out to me...or grabbing the sides of my head saying 'focus, focus...hey remember me?'
 

INTP

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maybe they idealized you and everything you guys did much and went with that idealized picture of the world, then noticed how it actually is and didnt see it as so special anymore?

and im not saying this like it wasnt special or that you are lacking something, its just that they might have really unrealistic view on whats happening before Te kicks in. and they might not understand that it is the reality and past was just an idealization of the reality, but they just see that something has changed and its not as good as it used to be. luckily some of the more mature ones has gotten over this.

im sure that it will feel to you like you let them down if this happens, but its actually the world and their unrealistic view on things that let them down.
 

Soar337

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I quite often feel that either haven't connected deeply enough with said person or that they don't dream of the same extremely close and lasting friendship that I want to develop between us, even if it feels like an unrealistic hope if I sense that the person doesn't value this type of friendship/doesn't need it or simply doesn't want it then i'll step back a bit, either waiting for them, or to continue keeping the relationship nice but on the surface. I hope this makes sense?
 

entropie

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Never felt like that, seriously.

Never felt like I had left anyone down. How is that possible anyways ? I mean if I never have hzelped him up I cant let him down can I ?
 

Amargith

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I tend to be impatient in getting to know someone..especially someone who i clearly click with from the get go as it doesn't happen *that* often. That being said, it doesn't guarantee in depth compatibility. So while I'm eagerly getting to know them and enjoy their company fully, I'm checking to see how compatible we are, both as friends and more. When I find something that seems incompatible, I check and double-check..but if it proves to be correct two things happen: 1) I keep them at the level we're at at that point or 2) what I uncovered is so incompatible with my core values, they become acquaintances instead. At that point that relationship stabilizes and settles into what it will become in the future, at least for my part. I might've dropped projects and taken some time from my friends to get to know you, so now I need to normalize that. If compatibility keeps going, then I'll eagerly get ot know you more and more. At some point that too will stabilize but I'll keep you actively in my life though might be around not *as* frequently as in the beginning.

Let me be clear: I still value what we shared and who you are. Very much so, and I treasure the experience and the trust we shared.
So it's not about disappointing. It's about the ability to sync up and be compatible. I find it odd that often others don't check for this.
 

Stanton Moore

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I dunno. I think sometimes I put up with arrogance and need to always be right about every damn thing, until I just don't. I cut off an old 'friend' because he showed up to my sister's memorial service in his shorts, right off the driving range. Goodbye.
 

KDude

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I consider myself a thoughtful person. If we're friends, I won't forget it. I don't have a lot of activities that get in the way of that. I guess I'm not persistent though. I used to have this "Hilary Clinton" like philosophy that everyone should live in a village.. but I don't live up to it. I think people want to be left alone. Then when I see them, people jokingly make it my fault with the "where ya been?" comments, etc..
 

neptunesnet

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Three things start to emerge after a while that all sort of collide into one giant, and sudden, withdrawal of that awesome place. The first being that something in life comes up and reminds me I have other focuses as well. Like, I am neglecting my long-time friends to discover more about my new one, or that school becomes a priority again, etc. The second, is that I overthink things... so I start to think maybe I am annoying them.. or making them open themselves up too much.. some people do not like that. I think maybe they are being polite because they know I don't mean harm to them, but x or y or z... My overthinking of this makes me pull back some. The third thing is sometimes when I am interested in a person like this, they mistake it for my being interested in a relationship with them if it is the opposite sex. Sometimes this is true... but many times it is not the case at all.. so I have to pull away and realize that they could be taking my curiosity the wrong way, and so I treat them like my other long-standing friends to hopefully ensure they get the correct message or do some damage control if they did get the wrong message. There is a fourth thing from time to time that happens--another world opens up. I find another door to a different cave that has other treasures.. and much like the last one I explored, for a while at least, I am always exploring the newer cave for treasure. In cases like this, it is temporary.. I am sure to re-visit the older caves and enjoy them just as much as I did before when I was always there.

This is good. I'd also like to add that I do this with people who I feel have certain beliefs or behaviorial tendencies that would probably hinder us from getting closer in the future. I withdraw from the relationship (romantic or platonic) a bit without explaining explicitly why because I don't have any concrete proof that our two contrasting values will eventually clash and cause a riff later down the road, but from experience and intuition I've gotten pretty good at guessing about the outcome of these kinds of things.
 

Amargith

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This is good. I'd also like to add that I do this with people when I feel have certain beliefs or behaviorial tendencies that would probably hinder us from getting closer in the future. I withdraw from the relationship (romantic or plantoic) a bit without explaining explicitly why because I don't have any concrete proof that our two contrasting values will eventually clash and cause a riff later down the road, but from experience and intuition I've gotten pretty good at guessing about the outcome of these kinds of things.

:yes:
 

KDude

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I'm more inclusive when it comes to beliefs or worldviews. I don't care about specifics, so long as it isn't explicitly hurtful. Sometimes someone starts letting out crazy opinions though (like this one guy I've known for awhile started discussing some episode of Jersey shore, where he thought it was funny that a guy punched a girl). It's not worth talking to them. I'll avoid them from then on. I don't care for drug use either (although I've tried it when I was young.. I'm not so much judging as not interested in waiting for others to come around).
 

Uytuun

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I tend to be impatient in getting to know someone..especially someone who i clearly click with from the get go as it doesn't happen *that* often. That being said, it doesn't guarantee in depth compatibility. So while I'm eagerly getting to know them and enjoy their company fully, I'm checking to see how compatible we are

Thanks for the responses.

Does the scrutiny level increase as the closeness increases?

I do check, but not as much as a Fi dom/aux I imagine and with friends it doesn't matter as much.
 

rav3n

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Of the typed ENFPs I know in real life who are close friends of decades, they appear to have a preconceived notion about each person. And when that person doesn't align with their notional view, they're taken aback. They also sometimes appear to retreat within themselves when life gets too hectic, regardless of extroverted personality. It's also an overload switch between you and them.

Kind of like:

"All in, gimme more, more, more. Whoah, overload. Too much going on."

*puts on the brakes...screeeeech*

And if they still enjoy you:

"Okay, I'm back. Things are okay now. More, more, more."

This continues for awhile until they feel they understand you better and there appears to be a safe and solid connection. Then things calm down to a less frenetic pace.
 
N

NPcomplete

Guest
I wonder if that's how people feel when I talk less to them. I tend to spend a lot of time with people at first because they are new and shiny to me (as some others said earlier). With some people, at some point, I find that there's no more digging to be done, probably because they don't want me to dig further (as in they don't want to discuss certain things) and I'll withdraw for fear of prying too much.

[It's only very recently that I've learned that most people don't mind so-called personal questions... (from reading the INFP issues thread hahaha).]

Other times, I stop digging because I find new aspects of them that I can't deal with but at the same time, I don't want to stop communicating with them, so I limit my interactions with them.

Addendum:
I also withdraw when there's too much on my plate and I feel that I won't give everything/everyone equal attention.
 

Amargith

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Thanks for the responses.

Does the scrutiny level increase as the closeness increases?

I do check, but not as much as a Fi dom/aux I imagine and with friends it doesn't matter as much.

I think most NFPs aren't even aware they do it..it sort of just happens naturally. Fi tends to want to feel 'just right', and that is an undercurrent when having a bond with someone else. And yeah, the scrutiny increases as the closeness increases. In truth, I am looking for people who I can be myself with without having to fear being hurt, being judged or otherwise stabbed inthe back. People I can be vulnerable with, who can take *all* of me. Most people get overloaded if I do that with them. So..depending on how much you can take and how many values we share, and also how much we contribute to each others lives...you get closer. Again, that doesn't mean I don't appreciate the people I don't have that with. In fact, most of my friends only get to see one aspect of me..the aspect that relates best to them. I chameleon without even knowing it, as I like making people happy, and show them the part of me that they find most enjoyable (it's still me though, always authentic). I'll test tos ee if they can take other parts..but if they can't, that's fine, and I enjoy them for that interaction.

However, the man who holds my heart, who lives with me in one house, who's to build a life with me has to be able to take all of me. It's a prerequisite as I cannot constantly certain aspects of myself all the time. I wanna be myself, all of myself, at home and with the person I love. So yeah..I guess you could call that scrutiny :)
It's done in part for self-preservation (it's painful to be vulnerable around those who don't know what to do with that) and in part not to burden others unless they're actually interested in that part of you, and prove trustworthy and capable enough to handle it.

In fact, when I get truly close to someone, I may have told them already many intimate details, things I'm alright with, and I can take a pounding on should that person respond in a way that might accidentily hurt my feelings. They may be very revealing, but I've digested them already and can share them readily. There's a point however where you feel so close to the other that I'll panick. And I'll withdraw. It's that threshold where if you open the gates, it will all come pouring out. All insecurities, dark secrets, things you still need to address about yourself, things you're ashamed of, dreams and hopes however unrealistic. It's the gateway to that internal world we have. I withdraw coz I don't wanna flood you. Yet I feel you've earned the right to see the inside. And I'll first check and recheck if this is truly what you want and if you can handle the intensity inside before I hand you the key. Once you turn it, I cannot hold back anymore. And it's scary and confusing, not just for you, but also for me. It makes me prone and at your mercy. One wrong word and you'll break my heart. One wrong move can get you evicted and locked out forever. You're at that point an elephant in a crystal room. And until you show me that you actually appreciate its fragility as well as it's beauty, and take care not to trash anything, I'm incredibly scared. I need you to reassure me at that point that there is no judging, no trashing and no mocking. That you like what you see. That is, if you even make it there. It's easier to keep you standing at the gate, tbh. Still..there's a yearning to be understood and share what's inside, hence the hesitation and ambivalent behavior.

Of the typed ENFPs I know in real life who are close friends of decades, they appear to have a preconceived notion about each person. And when that person doesn't align with their notional view, they're taken aback. They also sometimes appear to retreat within themselves when life gets too hectic, regardless of extroverted personality. It's also an overload switch between you and them.

Kind of like:

"All in, gimme more, more, more. Whoah, overload. Too much going on."

*puts on the brakes...screeeeech*

And if they still enjoy you:

"Okay, I'm back. Things are okay now. More, more, more."

This continues for awhile until they feel they understand you better and there appears to be a safe and solid connection. Then things calm down to a less frenetic pace.

Hehe, yeah this ties in with my reply above. I find this to be especially true with other extraverts. It's awesome, its fun, it goes way faster and more smoothly than with introverts, but oh my god..I need a break to process all that has happened before I can go to the next stage :D
 
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