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  1. #21
    Senior Member Uytuun's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Satine View Post
    without having to fear being hurt, being judged or otherwise stabbed inthe back
    But that's kind of what you do to others when you scrutinise and decide they aren't compatible...

    IME, with Fi+Fi the difficult part is that it's all implied and silent there's no actual dialogue between the parties, you can't explain yourself, there's just observation and judgement. In a way it pretty harsh and self-centered (I'm guilty of it too).

  2. #22
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Uytuun View Post
    But that's kind of what you do to others when you scrutinise and decide they aren't compatible...

    IME, with Fi+Fi the difficult part is that it's all implied and silent there's no actual dialogue between the parties, you can't explain yourself, there's just observation and judgement. In a way it pretty harsh and self-centered (I'm guilty of it too).
    Actually, there's no judgement involved, at least not the kind I'm referring to. There's simply the conclusion that you're not compatible. However, in my friends I don't necessarily need that, I just want to have a good time with them, so it's a non-issue. And yes, part of it is self-centered. This is about my own unique personal connections, and as much as I'm easy-going in a group setting and am all for diversity as it creates interesting environments, I'm not about to let someone who I may only hurt with my views and who will hurt me with his come close enough to do that damage. That would be foolish, masochistic and sadistic all at once.

    You're correct that it's perhaps not fair to not inform the other party about it and have a dialogue. I do this on occasion, but only when asked for. I'll answer every question i get with, especially on this with the upmost honesty. However, it's hard to explain this to people who haven't asked for it. Also, relationships naturally eb and flow and people often, without realizing it drift closer or further apart without giving it a second thought. This pretty much falls into that natural rhythm. Granted, part of it is probably that many NFPs rather avoid conflict, and inflicting what is perceived as unnecessary pain and creating misunderstandings by being explicit about it..that is, again, if they're at all aware of the fact that they're doing this. Most, ime, aren't.
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  3. #23
    nee andante bechimo's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Satine View Post
    Hehe, yeah this ties in with my reply above. I find this to be especially true with other extraverts. It's awesome, its fun, it goes way faster and more smoothly than with introverts, but oh my god..I need a break to process all that has happened before I can go to the next stage
    Admit it, you CAN'T handle us!

    *wide open blast*

    You know I'm teasing you. It does appear that our views align but from different perspectives. And as an enneagram 835 sx/sp, that type of dynamic will be more exaggerated, hence easier to see through observeable behaviours. With an INTJ, I'm guessing there's more of the tentative reaching out but care for fear of swamping their boundaries which also aligns with your post. But the care shown of not overswamping the other will vary per ENFP, reliant on their emotional health levels.

  4. #24
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jenaphor View Post
    Admit it, you CAN'T handle us!

    *wide open blast*
    Ohh hon, I'm perfectly capable of handling you lot, I just am too fond of you to damage our relationship by acting without processing

    You know I'm teasing you. It does appear that our views align but from different perspectives. And as an enneagram 835 sx/sp, that type of dynamic will be more exaggerated, hence easier to see through observeable behaviours. With an INTJ, I'm guessing there's more of the tentative reaching out but care for fear of swamping their boundaries which also aligns with your post. But the care shown of not overswamping the other will vary per ENFP, reliant on their emotional health levels.
    Hehe, I know. With INTJs we let them set the pace and usually that means we have plenty of time to process as they need more time than us usually
    So it's less daunting

    I've found that if I let ENTJs set the pace, things go to hell, no offense
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  5. #25
    nee andante bechimo's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Satine View Post
    Ohh hon, I'm perfectly capable of handling you lot, I just am too fond of you to damage our relationship by acting without processing

    Hehe, I know. With INTJs we let them set the pace and usually that means we have plenty of time to process as they need more time than us usually
    So it's less daunting

    I've found that if I let ENTJs set the pace, things go to hell, no offense
    *gives Satine an NT non-hug*

    Even though I'm fond of you, it won't stop this:



    or this:



    And then sometimes it turns into this:

    :ouch:

    So we agree again. Fi isn't the dominion of ENTJs and even though it's tert in INTJs, it's also not their dominion although there's the odd one, the more mature ones, who've really got it meshed well. A balanced and non-toxic force to be reckoned with when combined with their other functions.

  6. #26
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    See the thing is, if we were to match the intensity you guys sometimes burst out, you find us overly dramatic and either clobber us or start avoiding us...so it's better to dance around you peeps and deflect while keeping you longing for more...

    In other words..you guys dish it out, but can't take it
    Granted though, we dish out serious Te-whacks at times and cannot take them either
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  7. #27
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    Yes, absolutely they do dish it out but can't take it, and I have matched their intensity and been called dramatic or been avoided.

    I've also tried dancing around them, which isn't my style.

    I mean I think the good thing about NFPs is that we don't hold grudges like they do, so we're more likely to genuinely be "over it" faster and start being playful and indulgent toward them fairly quickly.

    But I ain't dancin' round nobody as an MO, it seems like self-flaggellation to me.

    I'd rather be with an sensing feeler with similar intensity if I have to, who will easily understand forgive and tolerate my intensity, rather than hypocritically judging it like INTJs are wont to do. That shit honestly makes me want to head for the hills.

  8. #28
    i love skylights's Avatar
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    @ OP -

    what i find is that i have to limit certain things with certain people, and sometimes that becomes difficult. i echo satine's feelings about the "getting to know you stage", where things are much more open, and i am feeling the other person out. i do not yet know our incompatibilities.

    as people get closer, my scrutiny also goes up. it's really quite rational - the more time we spend together, and the more i am going to trust you with my private information, the more compatible we have to be, on many levels. this does not mean type - i tend to get closest with NJs and FJs, for reasons somewhat unclear to me.

    with one of my friends, i feel especially like i periodically open and withdraw in response both to her and things in my private life. she is an ESFP, very fun and open but also more interested in having people around all the time than i am. so if she starts wanting to go out every other night, or sending me 10 "what's up" messages a day, and/or if i am running into something hard or important in my life, i am more likely to withdraw from her. it's not that i don't like her, but i really just can't handle that, mentally or emotionally. i suspect that's what prevents us from getting any closer than we are, too. her interaction style is just really stressful to me when i have other things to cope with. i feel a little bad about it but i would hurt her more by acquiescing, letting stress build up, and then ending up directing it at her. so in that case withdrawing is a protective thing, really. for both of us.

    whereas, take my ESFJ mom or ENFJ best friend, and things are much more steady with them. i even open up to them more when i am stressed, because they are more steady, and help me pinpoint things when i am lost in a sea of information, especially my ENFJ friend. talking with her when i am under pressure makes me feel more comfortable, more assured, more able to handle the world. the same goes for when she vents to me, we can both pour our insecurities on the other and it doesn't throw us off kilter. we also share more moral values than myself and my ESFP friend, so it's just easier to get along. i don't have to restrain myself as much.

    my one other relevant quirk - in relationships, i am likely to quietly pull away when the other person displays some kind of behavior that just makes me feel weird inside. i had one boyfriend who i discovered totally freaked out sometimes while driving. like he would really panic at having to stop short, or if a car pulled in front of him. i've had anxiety issues in the past; i know maybe he had a bad experience in a car wreck (he would always weasel out of talking about it), or something like that to make him act in such a way. usually i would want to help address it. but for whatever reason in this case it was just a huge internal red flag for me. all of a sudden i started seeing more and more places in his life where inconsistent, reactive behavior like this surfaced. about a year later, after our relationship was over, he revealed to me that he is a really awful communicator when he and the other person are not in the same physical space - as in he cannot do long-distance anything - so i feel all the more assured in my decision not to pursue that relationship further. are these things even related? i don't know. it doesn't seem like it. maybe, maybe distantly. but a few of my relationships have ended like this... i escape due to feeling averse to some quirk, right before discovering something that would have imploded in my face. i don't understand it, but do thank the N gods for it.


    re: NTJs - INTJs are easier than ENTJs. i have a good ENTJ family friend but she does wear me out a bit sometimes. i can't really keep up with her and we don't easily gravitate towards the same subjects when it comes to what's "important"... we like discussing new gadgets and dumb people but she is not much one for NF topics. also she is a bit more blunt in social situations than i can handle sometimes... last time we were out to eat she explained the impracticalities of her "boob shelf" with the waiter... hilarious but so, so awkward...
    :blushing:

  9. #29
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    Meh, your choice, I've found it to be adorable. I also test their limits for intensity by deliberatly going over the line, only to flake on them, and return while bantering about. It seems to break the tension and allows them to adjust to it and allows me to gauge which are hard lines which I'll respect and which ones are open to expansion...
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  10. #30
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    well, the thing is, I don't relate to your way of "handling" people at all...it honestly looks like Fe to me, but I've told you that before

    could be enneagram or something, could be more usage of Te on my part, I don't know, but I'm a very straight-forward person

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