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  1. #11
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    I tend to be impatient in getting to know someone..especially someone who i clearly click with from the get go as it doesn't happen *that* often. That being said, it doesn't guarantee in depth compatibility. So while I'm eagerly getting to know them and enjoy their company fully, I'm checking to see how compatible we are, both as friends and more. When I find something that seems incompatible, I check and double-check..but if it proves to be correct two things happen: 1) I keep them at the level we're at at that point or 2) what I uncovered is so incompatible with my core values, they become acquaintances instead. At that point that relationship stabilizes and settles into what it will become in the future, at least for my part. I might've dropped projects and taken some time from my friends to get to know you, so now I need to normalize that. If compatibility keeps going, then I'll eagerly get ot know you more and more. At some point that too will stabilize but I'll keep you actively in my life though might be around not *as* frequently as in the beginning.

    Let me be clear: I still value what we shared and who you are. Very much so, and I treasure the experience and the trust we shared.
    So it's not about disappointing. It's about the ability to sync up and be compatible. I find it odd that often others don't check for this.
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  2. #12
    morose bourgeoisie
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    I dunno. I think sometimes I put up with arrogance and need to always be right about every damn thing, until I just don't. I cut off an old 'friend' because he showed up to my sister's memorial service in his shorts, right off the driving range. Goodbye.

  3. #13
    Senior Member KDude's Avatar
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    I consider myself a thoughtful person. If we're friends, I won't forget it. I don't have a lot of activities that get in the way of that. I guess I'm not persistent though. I used to have this "Hilary Clinton" like philosophy that everyone should live in a village.. but I don't live up to it. I think people want to be left alone. Then when I see them, people jokingly make it my fault with the "where ya been?" comments, etc..

  4. #14
    man-made neptunesnet's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by kyuuei View Post
    Three things start to emerge after a while that all sort of collide into one giant, and sudden, withdrawal of that awesome place. The first being that something in life comes up and reminds me I have other focuses as well. Like, I am neglecting my long-time friends to discover more about my new one, or that school becomes a priority again, etc. The second, is that I overthink things... so I start to think maybe I am annoying them.. or making them open themselves up too much.. some people do not like that. I think maybe they are being polite because they know I don't mean harm to them, but x or y or z... My overthinking of this makes me pull back some. The third thing is sometimes when I am interested in a person like this, they mistake it for my being interested in a relationship with them if it is the opposite sex. Sometimes this is true... but many times it is not the case at all.. so I have to pull away and realize that they could be taking my curiosity the wrong way, and so I treat them like my other long-standing friends to hopefully ensure they get the correct message or do some damage control if they did get the wrong message. There is a fourth thing from time to time that happens--another world opens up. I find another door to a different cave that has other treasures.. and much like the last one I explored, for a while at least, I am always exploring the newer cave for treasure. In cases like this, it is temporary.. I am sure to re-visit the older caves and enjoy them just as much as I did before when I was always there.
    This is good. I'd also like to add that I do this with people who I feel have certain beliefs or behaviorial tendencies that would probably hinder us from getting closer in the future. I withdraw from the relationship (romantic or platonic) a bit without explaining explicitly why because I don't have any concrete proof that our two contrasting values will eventually clash and cause a riff later down the road, but from experience and intuition I've gotten pretty good at guessing about the outcome of these kinds of things.

  5. #15
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by neptunesnet View Post
    This is good. I'd also like to add that I do this with people when I feel have certain beliefs or behaviorial tendencies that would probably hinder us from getting closer in the future. I withdraw from the relationship (romantic or plantoic) a bit without explaining explicitly why because I don't have any concrete proof that our two contrasting values will eventually clash and cause a riff later down the road, but from experience and intuition I've gotten pretty good at guessing about the outcome of these kinds of things.
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  6. #16
    Senior Member KDude's Avatar
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    I'm more inclusive when it comes to beliefs or worldviews. I don't care about specifics, so long as it isn't explicitly hurtful. Sometimes someone starts letting out crazy opinions though (like this one guy I've known for awhile started discussing some episode of Jersey shore, where he thought it was funny that a guy punched a girl). It's not worth talking to them. I'll avoid them from then on. I don't care for drug use either (although I've tried it when I was young.. I'm not so much judging as not interested in waiting for others to come around).

  7. #17
    Senior Member Uytuun's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Satine View Post
    I tend to be impatient in getting to know someone..especially someone who i clearly click with from the get go as it doesn't happen *that* often. That being said, it doesn't guarantee in depth compatibility. So while I'm eagerly getting to know them and enjoy their company fully, I'm checking to see how compatible we are
    Thanks for the responses.

    Does the scrutiny level increase as the closeness increases?

    I do check, but not as much as a Fi dom/aux I imagine and with friends it doesn't matter as much.

  8. #18
    nee andante bechimo's Avatar
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    Of the typed ENFPs I know in real life who are close friends of decades, they appear to have a preconceived notion about each person. And when that person doesn't align with their notional view, they're taken aback. They also sometimes appear to retreat within themselves when life gets too hectic, regardless of extroverted personality. It's also an overload switch between you and them.

    Kind of like:

    "All in, gimme more, more, more. Whoah, overload. Too much going on."

    *puts on the brakes...screeeeech*

    And if they still enjoy you:

    "Okay, I'm back. Things are okay now. More, more, more."

    This continues for awhile until they feel they understand you better and there appears to be a safe and solid connection. Then things calm down to a less frenetic pace.

  9. #19
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    I wonder if that's how people feel when I talk less to them. I tend to spend a lot of time with people at first because they are new and shiny to me (as some others said earlier). With some people, at some point, I find that there's no more digging to be done, probably because they don't want me to dig further (as in they don't want to discuss certain things) and I'll withdraw for fear of prying too much.

    [It's only very recently that I've learned that most people don't mind so-called personal questions... (from reading the INFP issues thread hahaha).]

    Other times, I stop digging because I find new aspects of them that I can't deal with but at the same time, I don't want to stop communicating with them, so I limit my interactions with them.

    Addendum:
    I also withdraw when there's too much on my plate and I feel that I won't give everything/everyone equal attention.

  10. #20
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Uytuun View Post
    Thanks for the responses.

    Does the scrutiny level increase as the closeness increases?

    I do check, but not as much as a Fi dom/aux I imagine and with friends it doesn't matter as much.
    I think most NFPs aren't even aware they do it..it sort of just happens naturally. Fi tends to want to feel 'just right', and that is an undercurrent when having a bond with someone else. And yeah, the scrutiny increases as the closeness increases. In truth, I am looking for people who I can be myself with without having to fear being hurt, being judged or otherwise stabbed inthe back. People I can be vulnerable with, who can take *all* of me. Most people get overloaded if I do that with them. So..depending on how much you can take and how many values we share, and also how much we contribute to each others lives...you get closer. Again, that doesn't mean I don't appreciate the people I don't have that with. In fact, most of my friends only get to see one aspect of me..the aspect that relates best to them. I chameleon without even knowing it, as I like making people happy, and show them the part of me that they find most enjoyable (it's still me though, always authentic). I'll test tos ee if they can take other parts..but if they can't, that's fine, and I enjoy them for that interaction.

    However, the man who holds my heart, who lives with me in one house, who's to build a life with me has to be able to take all of me. It's a prerequisite as I cannot constantly certain aspects of myself all the time. I wanna be myself, all of myself, at home and with the person I love. So yeah..I guess you could call that scrutiny
    It's done in part for self-preservation (it's painful to be vulnerable around those who don't know what to do with that) and in part not to burden others unless they're actually interested in that part of you, and prove trustworthy and capable enough to handle it.

    In fact, when I get truly close to someone, I may have told them already many intimate details, things I'm alright with, and I can take a pounding on should that person respond in a way that might accidentily hurt my feelings. They may be very revealing, but I've digested them already and can share them readily. There's a point however where you feel so close to the other that I'll panick. And I'll withdraw. It's that threshold where if you open the gates, it will all come pouring out. All insecurities, dark secrets, things you still need to address about yourself, things you're ashamed of, dreams and hopes however unrealistic. It's the gateway to that internal world we have. I withdraw coz I don't wanna flood you. Yet I feel you've earned the right to see the inside. And I'll first check and recheck if this is truly what you want and if you can handle the intensity inside before I hand you the key. Once you turn it, I cannot hold back anymore. And it's scary and confusing, not just for you, but also for me. It makes me prone and at your mercy. One wrong word and you'll break my heart. One wrong move can get you evicted and locked out forever. You're at that point an elephant in a crystal room. And until you show me that you actually appreciate its fragility as well as it's beauty, and take care not to trash anything, I'm incredibly scared. I need you to reassure me at that point that there is no judging, no trashing and no mocking. That you like what you see. That is, if you even make it there. It's easier to keep you standing at the gate, tbh. Still..there's a yearning to be understood and share what's inside, hence the hesitation and ambivalent behavior.

    Quote Originally Posted by Jenaphor View Post
    Of the typed ENFPs I know in real life who are close friends of decades, they appear to have a preconceived notion about each person. And when that person doesn't align with their notional view, they're taken aback. They also sometimes appear to retreat within themselves when life gets too hectic, regardless of extroverted personality. It's also an overload switch between you and them.

    Kind of like:

    "All in, gimme more, more, more. Whoah, overload. Too much going on."

    *puts on the brakes...screeeeech*

    And if they still enjoy you:

    "Okay, I'm back. Things are okay now. More, more, more."

    This continues for awhile until they feel they understand you better and there appears to be a safe and solid connection. Then things calm down to a less frenetic pace.
    Hehe, yeah this ties in with my reply above. I find this to be especially true with other extraverts. It's awesome, its fun, it goes way faster and more smoothly than with introverts, but oh my god..I need a break to process all that has happened before I can go to the next stage
    ★ڿڰۣ✿ℒoѵℯ✿ڿڰۣ★





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