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  1. #1
    That's my name biotch! JoSunshine's Avatar
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    Default ENFJ's - Do people think you're perfect?

    So I had a friend of 7 years tell me last night that she thinks I'm "perfect". She said that even when I have problems, she feels I am capable of fixing them and finding solutions, which makes her feel like she is less than me. Also, that I give good advice which is why she comes to me when she is having problems, but then feels bad when she can't follow through with making changes or resolving her problems. It really bothers me and it is not the first time I have heard this kind of thing. I don't think I am better than anyone else and I certainly don't want to make people whom I care about feel bad about themselves.

    I immediately went to my ENTJ bf, and asked her why people think that...she said that she knows I can be a train wreck and have issues just like everyone else and she knows I am far from perfect. She said that she thinks that maybe it's because I am so selective about who I "unload" on. I guess I feel like I don't want to burden people with my issues, but I think it backfires at times.

    Do you have this issue? How do you handle it?
    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. " - Dr. Seuss
    I can't spell...get over it

    Slightly ENFJ, totally JoSunshine
    Extroverted (E) 52.5%........Introverted (I) 47.5%
    Intuitive (N) 65.63%..........Sensing (S) 34.38%
    Feeling (F) 55.56%............Thinking (T) 44.44%
    Judging (J) 51.43%............Perceiving (P) 48.57%

  2. #2
    Member Ethelred the Unready's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JoSunshine View Post
    She said that she thinks that maybe it's because I am so selective about who I "unload" on. I guess I feel like I don't want to burden people with my issues, but I think it backfires at times.
    Exactly!

    I've been told by a few people I know that I'm 'perfect'- when in reality I'm far from it. I think your friend's right - I'm very selective about people I "unload" on, so most people don't really know what's going on in my mind most of the time.
    There are really only 2 people in my life who know about my inner struggles and problems. For everybody else I'm just this happy, enthusiastic, smiling, put-together person - which I am to some degree, but obviously that's not the 'whole' me.

    I just don't want to burden people with all my problems and insecurities. I want to make people feel good in my company, not depressed by all my problems.

    So when someone tells me I'm 'perfect' I just tell them I'm not - and if they keep insisting it's true I turn it all into a joke.
    We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull; some have weird names and all are different colours, but they all have to live in the same box.

  3. #3
    Lungs & Lips Locked Unkindloving's Avatar
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    Nosiree, but it's because I make a lot of people aware of my imperfections. I do, however, put a positive spin on imperfection and negative things. That resonates in how your friend mentioned how you fix issues and are good at advice-giving.
    I'm frequently told that I know how to handle myself, solve most issues if they have a solution (or at least how to deal with them otherwise), tend to have a sense of calm and collected, and am more of an advice-giver than an advice-taker. I don't believe any of my friends have mistaken this for being perfect though, or have really felt inferior to it. If they have, then they haven't made me aware.

    Hm. I'm not selective about who I 'unload' to, but how I unload to certain people.
    Another ENFJ friend of mine is seemingly incapable of unloading in a positive light, but she is prone to unloading to many people. I'm digging the differences in how the lot of us handles our 'opening up' symptoms and how it translates to others.
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  4. #4
    i love skylights's Avatar
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    I don't know how helpful of me this is to contribute, but I know an ENFJ - Enneagram 3, which doesn't help - who often seems essentially perfect. Part of the problem may be that as ENFP, I appreciate E, N and F, and because my P makes it hard to function in the world, I wish for a J switch - so of course the "perfect" solution to that would be ENFJ. I would imagine FPs would tend to idolize ENFJs more than other types.

    And please don't take this post wrong, it's really quite a compliment. I usually love ENFJs and I don't mean to generalize for everyone. I'm just thinking in terms of the ones I know.

    In general, I find that the ENFJs I know - 4, maybe 5 for certain - are friendly and enthusiastic but not melodramatic, you're outgoing but still private, you are empathetic but not overly emotional, you're smart but you have "street sense", you're confident but not cocky, and you're generally quite successful and still humanitarian. The ENFJs I know also do tend to hide their problems, which means that generally most others never get to see the weaker, more vulnerable side of them. You guys generally project confidence. Even when I know an ENFJ well it's sometimes hard to remember that you guys struggle inside a lot too. You seem happy, successful, creative, compassionate, and in control. Capable and self-assured. (Haha wow that was a lot of c's )

    And seriously, even ENFJ complaints sometimes sound "perfect". Of course it's repulsive when someone has no concerns at all, but ENFJ concerns often sound like just the right type to make you like them, lol. For example, that friend of mine was just worried about getting into a plum of a job that she was selected out of a huge group for. Sometimes she's worried about whether the people she looks up to will like her. She's stressed because she cares too much about other people's problems. She doesn't take enough time for herself. She has a lot of responsibility on her plate because she gets in really high-level positions. I mean look at your post - you're concerned about someone finding you perfect. I would be privately reveling in sheer delight if anyone ever said that to me. I totally know that you're not, but if I didn't know other ENFJs better, it would almost seem like you're trying to brag, lol.

    I don't say this to make anyone frustrated, at all, but to maybe help ENFJs understand why it seems like that to some others? It's particularly true because you guys are generally quiet about your really deep dark down problems, and so outwardly happy and well rounded and successful. Even when you express your frustrations, many of you do so in a way that makes you sound really good. From an outside perspective, it's like... why are you complaining? I'd be toasting myself every day if I were you.

    The problem is I think the antidote to this perception is to share your really vulnerable places, to not close off from others when you're frustrated or scared. To be okay with showing yourself as really, truly weak and flawed, not imperfect in a good light. To just... let go. Drop the wall between you and the other person and just trust them to be able to handle your darkness. I know that maybe it feels like you're "dumping" on the other person, but I am relieved when someone opens up like that with me. It's so much more of a comfortable state of presence for me. Maybe some of you already do that, probably a lot of you do it with just a select person or two. It's kind of liberating, if stressful.

    It's sort of up to you if you actually want to make that tradeoff, though. I've opened up way too much my whole life, so I don't really have any hope of appearing perfect. But truth be told, if I were in that position, I might not want to open up either.

  5. #5
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    I don't.. not even close.. Nor do I try to project to the world that I am.. MY type does like the world to think they are perfect, in some cases .
    And unfortunately, the charm often makes it believable.
    So does knowing your weakness or what you need to hear.
    Charm and manipulation can project perfection..

    Look at how gullible people become during election time, for an example of what I mean.

  6. #6
    Courage is immortality Valiant's Avatar
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    People generally like me IRL. Of course, i'm way more controversial on here. I don't upset people much IRL...
    Well, sometimes, but only when i'm absolutely right about something.
    But yeah, people generally rely heavily on me. My boss calls me all the time, friends pour their hearts out.
    Recently, i've been receiving a lot of positive feedback from a lot of people.
    Some people seem to think that I must be a psychopath or something, or that i'm trying to use them.
    Why? It's because I readily help them whenever they're in trouble, and to a lot of people that is suspicious behavior.
    The ones worth my time accept it sooner or later, though. I really am a friendly and very capable guy.
    Sure, I have my issues as well, but I focus on solutions and seek those actively.
    I can generally solve my own problems and have plenty to spare for helping my family, friends, coworkers and cute INFPs.

    Mightier than the tread of marching armies is the power of an idea whose time has come

  7. #7
    That's my name biotch! JoSunshine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Arclight View Post
    I don't.. not even close.. Nor do I try to project to the world that I am.. MY type does like the world to think they are perfect, in some cases .
    And unfortunately, the charm often makes it believable.
    So does knowing your weakness or what you need to hear.
    Charm and manipulation can project perfection..

    Look at how gullible people become during election time, for an example of what I mean.
    I definitely don't want people to think I am perfect...it's genuinely upsetting to me. I think a lot of my "not dumping on people" is a result of my childhood. It was my job to care for my father and not burden him with my problems, feelings or needs (this would be perceived as resistance, disrespect and selfishness resulting in dire consequences), so I just never really learned to talk about my needs. I thought I was doing better, but I guess I still have some work to do.
    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. " - Dr. Seuss
    I can't spell...get over it

    Slightly ENFJ, totally JoSunshine
    Extroverted (E) 52.5%........Introverted (I) 47.5%
    Intuitive (N) 65.63%..........Sensing (S) 34.38%
    Feeling (F) 55.56%............Thinking (T) 44.44%
    Judging (J) 51.43%............Perceiving (P) 48.57%

  8. #8
    That's my name biotch! JoSunshine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by skylights View Post
    I don't say this to make anyone frustrated, at all, but to maybe help ENFJs understand why it seems like that to some others? It's particularly true because you guys are generally quiet about your really deep dark down problems, and so outwardly happy and well rounded and successful. Even when you express your frustrations, many of you do so in a way that makes you sound really good. From an outside perspective, it's like... why are you complaining? I'd be toasting myself every day if I were you.

    The problem is I think the antidote to this perception is to share your really vulnerable places, to not close off from others when you're frustrated or scared. To be okay with showing yourself as really, truly weak and flawed, not imperfect in a good light. To just... let go. Drop the wall between you and the other person and just trust them to be able to handle your darkness. I know that maybe it feels like you're "dumping" on the other person, but I am relieved when someone opens up like that with me. It's so much more of a comfortable state of presence for me. Maybe some of you already do that, probably a lot of you do it with just a select person or two. It's kind of liberating, if stressful.

    It's sort of up to you if you actually want to make that tradeoff, though. I've opened up way too much my whole life, so I don't really have any hope of appearing perfect. But truth be told, if I were in that position, I might not want to open up either.
    Interesting...I wonder if part of it to, is that I rarely express a problem without having thought about the issue and having plan for resolving said issue (except for my closest friends who I call while I am in the midst of being upset). For example, I just mentioned that I need to work on accessing and expressing my needs more...once I realized I had in issue with this, I told my friends and I also told them I would be going to mindfulness classes and reading books on EQ. If I've had a horrible day I will complain and express why, but then say what I am going to do to make it a better day. If something happens out of my control, I talk about it, but remain calm because I know I can't change it. Hummm....I think that may be part of it...this just occurred to me when I was reading what you said about having "perfect problems". I guess it might look like I have problems, but I also have all the answers, when in reality it's trial and error. My head hurts.
    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. " - Dr. Seuss
    I can't spell...get over it

    Slightly ENFJ, totally JoSunshine
    Extroverted (E) 52.5%........Introverted (I) 47.5%
    Intuitive (N) 65.63%..........Sensing (S) 34.38%
    Feeling (F) 55.56%............Thinking (T) 44.44%
    Judging (J) 51.43%............Perceiving (P) 48.57%

  9. #9
    Senior Member Lily flower's Avatar
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    The ENFJ's I know are not perfect, but they are certainly high in all the qualities I aspire to (except maybe, organization).

  10. #10
    i love skylights's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JoSunshine View Post
    Interesting...I wonder if part of it to, is that I rarely express a problem without having thought about the issue and having plan for resolving said issue (except for my closest friends who I call while I am in the midst of being upset). For example, I just mentioned that I need to work on accessing and expressing my needs more...once I realized I had in issue with this, I told my friends and I also told them I would be going to mindfulness classes and reading books on EQ. If I've had a horrible day I will complain and express why, but then say what I am going to do to make it a better day. If something happens out of my control, I talk about it, but remain calm because I know I can't change it. Hummm....I think that may be part of it...this just occurred to me when I was reading what you said about having "perfect problems". I guess it might look like I have problems, but I also have all the answers, when in reality it's trial and error. My head hurts.
    yes, probably so. that's a funny example! do you think it has disadvantages, to express both problem and solution? or that it's usually better? i can imagine that if you do so, you are more likely to not get suggestions for things you have already considered.

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