User Tag List

First 3456 Last

Results 41 to 50 of 51

  1. #41
    Senior Member mochajava's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Posts
    478

    Default

    Have you ever tried to tell your INTJ/INTP friend that you would like more communication?

    And, Silk, I completely agree with your/uumlau's sentiments about MBTI I mean 100%!h

  2. #42
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    6w5 sp/sx
    Posts
    3,939

    Default

    Hm...I've sort of jokingly said "You never get in touch!" I think she got the message and actually I think she tried to be more proactive since then. But...honestly, I'm not sure the friendship has ever been quite close enough for me to make much of a thing of it. I'm a bit avoidant that way, anyway. I think we are both ok enough with things the way we stand. We've travelled together in the past and have been talking about doing so again, which would be cool

    I have a small number of friends who are closer and I would consider it much more of a problem if they discounted my feelings, pulled away, etc. IN those cases some confrontation might be necessary and healthy, though scary. It's been done, and though it was a bit painful and scary at the time, on balance it was worth it.
    Female
    INFJ
    Enneagram 6w5 sp/sx


    I DOORSLAMMING

  3. #43
    Senior Member mochajava's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Posts
    478

    Default

    That's something I am struggling with -- when is confrontation worth it? And is it worth losing the relationship over (I've been losing a lot of relationships this way, but I think they were just that tenuous to begin with, or it was with a person who really didn't care enough about the relationship to work through something with me).

  4. #44
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    6w5 sp/sx
    Posts
    3,939

    Default

    Maybe the confrontation is worth it if you feel that a) a lot of resentment is building up inside you, and you should probably let them know about it in a reasonable manner before it explodes in an INFJ nuclear holocaust, and b) you do have an investment in the friendship and the person doesn't seem to be responding to that at all. SOmething like that.

    I have a hard time putting this into practice in a healthy way, though!
    Female
    INFJ
    Enneagram 6w5 sp/sx


    I DOORSLAMMING

  5. #45
    small potatoes NotOfTwo's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    MBTI
    INTP
    Posts
    511

    Default

    What I find disheartening though is...I'm starting to wonder how anyone ever achieves a successful relationship. Seriously. It seems as though there are so many things that have to align. Not just mutual attraction, connection, etc but both being prepared to be present and committed in the relationship; having similar ideas about what goes into a good relationship; having a very similar way of looking at the world, OR being prepared to make a massive effort to understand someone who might think very differently from you (or probably a bit of both); etc... It's a lot. There just seems to be so much potential for misunderstanding and resulting hurt in any kind of human relation, and especially in romantic relationships. I'm starting to find it all very daunting. And yet for some people it seems quite simple.
    +1 I am not NF but I feel exactly the same way. It's hard not to get down about it.

  6. #46
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    6w5 sp/sx
    Posts
    3,939

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by NotOfTwo View Post
    +1 I am not NF but I feel exactly the same way. It's hard not to get down about it.
    It is partly over-thinking though and being overwhelmed by the sheer weight of how things potentially can not work out...I do recognise that. I mean, I do know people who have achieved successful relationships! And while I haven't done so well in that regard, I certainly have more wins than fails on the friendship side of things.

    I try to be realistic and balance things out. I think about the good relationships I know of, but also the not so good ones, when I feel really woe is me that I haven't achieved this yet... And I think about the fairly happily single people I know, sometimes including myself
    Female
    INFJ
    Enneagram 6w5 sp/sx


    I DOORSLAMMING

  7. #47
    Senior Member mochajava's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Posts
    478

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    Maybe the confrontation is worth it if you feel that a) a lot of resentment is building up inside you, and you should probably let them know about it in a reasonable manner before it explodes in an INFJ nuclear holocaust, and b) you do have an investment in the friendship and the person doesn't seem to be responding to that at all. SOmething like that.

    I have a hard time putting this into practice in a healthy way, though!
    Yes, so hard to confront before you're too angry that doing it makes it difficult. I think I've been diplomatic, but let my displeasure show. We'll see if I burn a few more bridges, then I'll conclude the problem is with me But I think I tend to be overly helpful / responsive / reassuring / praising, so if I am occasionally asking for something, it should be okay. That seems reasonable.

  8. #48
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    MBTI
    INFP
    Posts
    256

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by whatever View Post
    at least you have the ability to open up like that... I concluded at a young age that people suck and I can't trust them like that, so I'm friendly and helpful, but somewhere in there a wall is up, and it's rather hard to get past that wall. The worst part is that my natural style appears to be friendly and open to other people apparently, so they think that they ARE in

    I guess it's people like me who are the problem there and I appologize... it's a self defense mechanism
    No need to apologize. It's good to recognize that it may be self defense. I grew up in a loving family that was very close. My father was distant . He worked a lot, as many of his generation did (and probably still do). He gave what he could. Everyone has their own life experiences and challenges. I didn't have to question trust so much, until it was broken, or seemingly broken, when my father left my sisters and me. I still trusted after that but for me, I had to go inside myself and into wild places (which are very healing) in order to forgive. I don't know your life experiences but I would say it's much easier to trust than not. Most people are good and mean no harm. Certainly not intentional. They usually don't mean to harm you at all, though the hurt you feel is real.

  9. #49
    Senior Member Neutralpov's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    MBTI
    EnfJ
    Enneagram
    1w2 so/sx
    Socionics
    EII
    Posts
    311

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    Thanks for your perspective Lark

    Yeah, I think it's mainly emotional hurt that makes me want to avoid this. But I know what you mean about time, too. I think of them together sometimes. I find myself thinking or saying "I wasted all that emotion over that person...er, time...er, emotion...no, I mean time..."

    It doesn't happen to me all that much, which I guess is a mercy. But when it does, it can be huge. I think it's partly the fact that I don't come across people who I want to invest or over-invest in all that much, that makes me over-invest when I find them...does that make sense? I don't see a lot of people with the potential for real closeness in friendship, I don't see a lot of men as romantic potential. That makes the investment, and the letdown, that much greater.

    I can't stand melodrama either, though I have a very small number of friends I put up with a lot of it in. In those cases, it's because we have a friendship built up which I really value. Or I feel like I am doing them some good and the emotional drainage might therefore be worth it (like in the case of a depressed teen I've been befriending and helping out.) Or that person is there for me most of the time when I need them, despite the ongoing drama in their life! But in a way...although I keep drama in my external life to a minimum, sometimes I feel like there is quite a lot in my head. I over-dramatize situations, especially when I get to the point where I've been hurt. I've been thinking to myself that maybe I try to minimize drama in the outer life because I have enough to cope with in my head...

    I am getting a little better, though. I can laugh at myself more. If someone disappoints me, I can think of past experience and say "well, it happened before, and it hurts, but you survive and move on." It's just age and experience partly. But I do feel bitter sometimes. I know it sounds totally woe is me, but I feel like I waste all this caring and emotional investment on people who are ultimately rather selfish and don't really care.
    Quote Originally Posted by cascadeco View Post
    I know what you mean; I've definitely felt this way before.

    I think one thing that might help, although it might not be the most 'pleasant' thing to face/think about, is to remember that our definition of 'love', or of 'connection', or of 'meaning', or of any number of other things, and the actions we take to demonstrate that or way we interpret the presence or lack of, is going to vary from one person to the next. That seems kind of obvious, but I think it's really, really easy to forget that. And I think it's when we end up projecting our own self onto others that we either misread things, or becoming hurt/disappointed. Some of it might be tied to expectations, too - if we think the other person should be getting the exact thing out of it that we are, or doing what we would do in the same situation, we're essentially wanting them to be us.

    I think the other thing that's easy for us to do is to try too hard. I mean, I'm guilty of this too. I'm sure part of it's tied to hope, and it's not always a bad thing - especially if you're in a committed relationship and have already made that choice - means you'd fight all the harder to fix any issues that came up. But, earlier on, I think it means we have the tendency in us to try to 'force' a relationship when it just might not be what the other person really wants, or in the end it might not be what is really best for US, we just get caught up in the Idea of making it work - focusing on all of the positives, turning a blind eye on all of the negatives.

    Anyway, it's never easy. Relationship/friendship-wise, It's *hard* to find something mutual, where both people are on board. Really hard. I think it gets harder too as people get older and become busier. Not impossible, though. Don't give up.

    When it comes to more everyday things - business transactions, people not following through, etc -- well yes, some people are NOT reliable/trustworthy in the slightest!! There are certain people I wouldn't ever turn to if I needed something to get done.
    I digested these particular posts as wise and healing. Thanks much for your thoughts.

    ENFJ Heather

  10. #50
    Diving into Ni-space Crescent Fresh's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    4w5
    Posts
    807

    Default

    There are so many interesting points which I wanted to address further...

    I'll come back to this thread later.




    Now I'm somewhat convinced that most people do prefer "xxxP" over "xxxJ" preference in general.

Similar Threads

  1. Computers: What do you need them to do that they won't do now?
    By JAVO in forum Science, Technology, and Future Tech
    Replies: 33
    Last Post: 07-28-2011, 07:37 PM
  2. What do you think it means to be TRULY good?
    By SecondBest in forum Philosophy and Spirituality
    Replies: 58
    Last Post: 11-06-2010, 03:41 AM
  3. Happiness and what it means to you
    By therationaledge in forum Philosophy and Spirituality
    Replies: 7
    Last Post: 09-09-2009, 07:07 AM
  4. "Success" in a career--What does it mean to you?
    By ygolo in forum Academics and Careers
    Replies: 17
    Last Post: 04-25-2008, 02:31 PM
  5. Promises for yourself - what do you do to keep them?
    By UnitOfPopulation in forum General Psychology
    Replies: 8
    Last Post: 10-21-2007, 11:17 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Single Sign On provided by vBSSO