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  1. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    As far as your INFJ sister...I think that's the kind of thing I "know" intellectually, but sometimes I don't "know" it emotionally, and that's one of the ways I get hurt. This is particularly likely where romantic feelings are involved and clouding all the issues, though it has also happened in friendships.

    It made sense, don't worry
    Oh, I should ask her more questions about this but she's my little sister and I feel protective so I always warn her. It's "difficult" (as per her words) enough for her to make friends so I don't want it to be trickier for her. It's probably not a good thing in the long run but I've always been protective of my NFJs.

    Awesome.

  2. #12
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by thealchemist View Post
    Oh, I should ask her more questions about this but she's my little sister and I feel protective so I always warn her. It's "difficult" (as per her words) enough for her to make friends so I don't want it to be trickier for her. It's probably not a good thing in the long run but I've always been protective of my NFJs.

    Awesome.
    I must say that MBTI has helped me a lot with the whole "not everyone thinks/feels the same way I do" thing. But like I said, sometimes you "know" it with your head, but not with your heart.
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  3. #13
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    I can relate, I felt so often like that. It is as if no one would want to have any meaningful contact with me, people all just don't seem to care about anything but superficial contact. Probably just because I don't mean much to people after all.

    I really yearn for some meaningful social contacts! So far it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot stop yearning and so I cannot stop hoping though, and so I will go on and yearn Although it makes me occassionally very unhappy.

  4. #14
    Senior Member Santosha's Avatar
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    I'm an ENFP and have been terribley terribley hurt in the past. I do think the nature if INFJ's can make them especially prone to this type of problem, but I also think it can affect all the other NF's too. I once read that NF's view love very differently than the other temperments, and that they are ultimately looking for a ' bearing of one's soul' in love. I think the NF requires close relations to genuinely be happy, where as other types can be more okay not being involved. So it would make sense that if you "bare you soul" to someone, and it ends up not working out.. that you'd take it extrmely personally and painfully. I don't think that means NF's are irrational, or unhealthy, or co-dependent.. you bared your soul for christ sakes, right?! It's alot to lose!
    I broke up with my INFj bfriend, first real love, and we were together for 5 years. It tore me apart. I am not even kidding. I felt like I had lost a part of my body! Like a leg, or arm, but it really a part of my soul! And to get over it I dated like crazy but it didn't matter because inwardly I ALWAYS feared I could never love someone else, or be loved, as much as I was with him.

    Having you heart smashed can be liberating. This sounds massochistic almost, but it's true. After my heart was smashed and I eventually recovered (3 yrs later) i realized that I had felt one of the worst pains I could ever feel. I don't think that any other love could be so intense, so new, so deep, etc.. and realized that I really have nothing to worry about. I could never be that. hurt. again. And all of the sudden, i almost felt free. And it wasn't to say I would never love deeply again, I've loved deeply twice since.. but I learned something that first time around. I learned to be more self preserving. I learned to not leap before I look. I take aLOT of time evaluating a person. I make dam sure there are as sensitive and loyal as I am. LOYALTY is something I won't negotiate on. I remember that I am unique, emotinally raw, vulnerable, and am seeking more in another person than alot of people are. (more of a connection that is.) i remember that the world is full of different people that could eat me alive for this. People that cheat, people that marry and divorce 5 times, people that use their partners for money, etc..

    I don't have much advice for how to get over the pain. I think its one of those things that time really has to fade. But there are definately things you can do to not saturate in it. 1) realize your not alone, and that other people have been just as hurt as you, if not more. 2) rationalize with yourself. don't fall into the trap of believing you'll never find the right person, or that you lost someone you shouldn't have. Its simply not true. 3) Do as many things as you can to feel good about yourself. Exercise, tan, do yoga, go out with friends, etc.
    Man suffers only because he takes seriously what the gods made for fun - Watts

  5. #15
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    I certainly have this issue described in the OP..

    My twist.. And isn't there always a twist with me? .. Is that; I experience this with INFJs as well. Even some INFJs just don't connect with me as much as I felt, I thought and they said, they did..
    I am thinking maybe .. this issue is spread across the whole spectrum??.

  6. #16
    Senior Member Wanderer's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Huxley3112 View Post
    I once read that NF's view love very differently than the other temperments, and that they are ultimately looking for a ' bearing of one's soul' in love. I think the NF requires close relations to genuinely be happy, where as other types can be more okay not being involved.
    I think you're right with that quote about how when an INFJ is in love it is a "baring of one's soul" - because it is. It's wanting to know the deepest level of who the other person is, and accepting them for it, and hoping that they'll do the same for you. It also means that rejecting an INFJ after they're that involved means you're rejecting every part of who they are. Which is why I can't be friends with an ex. Also why I don't date very often.

  7. #17
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Huxley3112 View Post
    I'm an ENFP and have been terribley terribley hurt in the past. I do think the nature if INFJ's can make them especially prone to this type of problem, but I also think it can affect all the other NF's too. I once read that NF's view love very differently than the other temperments, and that they are ultimately looking for a ' bearing of one's soul' in love. I think the NF requires close relations to genuinely be happy, where as other types can be more okay not being involved. So it would make sense that if you "bare you soul" to someone, and it ends up not working out.. that you'd take it extrmely personally and painfully. I don't think that means NF's are irrational, or unhealthy, or co-dependent.. you bared your soul for christ sakes, right?! It's alot to lose!
    Absolutely. And the thing is...a lot of people don't realise you're baring your soul! Or at least they don't realise what a step it is for you, or that you're placing your heart in their hands...okay, I sound melodramatic now, but I can feel very exposed after I've opened up to people, so it really is showing trust and kind of a leap of faith. But unfortunately, maybe they just think it's an interesting conversation. different communication styles, different styles of people, I guess.

    Quote Originally Posted by Wanderer View Post
    I think you're right with that quote about how when an INFJ is in love it is a "baring of one's soul" - because it is. It's wanting to know the deepest level of who the other person is, and accepting them for it, and hoping that they'll do the same for you. It also means that rejecting an INFJ after they're that involved means you're rejecting every part of who they are. Which is why I can't be friends with an ex. Also why I don't date very often.
    Ditto, I find that being friends with an ex (or unfortunately in many cases, even friends with someone you've had strong feelings for, even if it didn't materialise into a relationship) is well-nigh impossible...or at least a lot more work and emotional expenditure than is worth it at that point.
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  8. #18
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Arclight View Post
    I certainly have this issue described in the OP..

    My twist.. And isn't there always a twist with me? .. Is that; I experience this with INFJs as well. Even some INFJs just don't connect with me as much as I felt, I thought and they said, they did..
    I am thinking maybe .. this issue is spread across the whole spectrum??.
    I'm sure it can apply to any type. I just thought of INFJs suffering this especially because, well, I am one... and I do think we may be prone to this sort of almost inappropriate level of commitment. Maybe it is an NF thing. I'm interested in any type's experience with feeling like this...
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  9. #19
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    So, to extend this further: how do you figure out if you are in the presence of someone to whom "it" means much the same as it does to you? Not that even the most wonderful friend or lover won't ever hurt you. But someone who values the same things, who sees things similarly or similarly enough, who isn't putting a completely different spin on the situation from your own?

    As a few others have mentioned...is it mainly about taking time and maintaining sufficient detachment before getting over-invested?? How do you actually do this???
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