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  1. #1
    Senior Member Santosha's Avatar
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    Default NF and the Green Eyed Monster--JeaLousy!

    I am very curious about NF's and jealousy.

    That ugly, innapropriate, and uncomfortable emotion that can rear its head, even amongst the most secure and confidant of people. Personally, I think jealousy is a very normal emotion.. (as long as it doesn't affect functionability or become compulsive).. but I am curious how you NF's have felt and dealt with jealousy.

    Do you think certain NF types are more prone to jealousy than others? For instance, E's because they seek external validity more? Or I's because they struggle socially?

    Do you think feelers are more likely to be jealous than thinkers?

    Do you think S is more likely to be jealous of possessions, or status, while N's are more prone to be jealous of relationships or loved ones?

    What types of things, if any, have you felt jealous over?

    I am trying to see if there is a pattern amongst mbti types.
    Man suffers only because he takes seriously what the gods made for fun - Watts

  2. #2
    Senior Member INTP's Avatar
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    what i have noticed on the internets is that its more common with FJ types to get jealous.

    also i think it has something to do with dynamics between two types. for example ENP types might seem like they are at risk of cheating to SFJ types because their basic interaction style with people is quite often seen as flirty etc to SFJ types, especially with opposite sex
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  3. #3
    Senior Member BAJ's Avatar
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    I'm not sure if you can measure NFs in general by my standards.

    I would say that I although I can have some strong feelings about it, nobody belongs to me. They belong to themselves. I don't try to clip their wings or put them in a box or a cage. I go bite my pillow and cry about it.

    If you are trying to decide a dog between two people, then the dog is likely to go the person with four pounds of fried bacon stuffed in their pants. I want the dog to love me, but bless the dog. I'm not comparing people to dogs here. I'm talking about actual dogs. I guess the metaphor can be with people too. However, I have good relationship with my dog. I can speak to her and she'll come to me instead, but I want her to be friendly and learn to like other people in case I'm not around.

    You know, it's funny. My dog was way more shy, but now my neighbor got three little dogs. Now if anyone is giving those dogs attention, she wants to push them out of the way and get attention too. She used to hide from everyone, and I've tried to make her more trusting, but she really got jealous of those small dogs.

    Also, jealousy is akin to envy. OMG. Envy is horrible. Yet, if I can't have what they have either romantically or materially, I convince myself that I have mystical abilities that are a greater treasure.

  4. #4
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    I don't know if NF types are more prone to it. Probably not. E vs I: I've known some extraverts who will display jealousy more openly or at least I can see it in them at work. If I feel jealous, I try not to show it and dispel it as soon as possible. I let people do what they want with whom they want and I'll disappear from the picture. I don't like clinging to anyone. Jealousy is incredibly corrosive to one's heart and mind. If you're jealous, it's because the object of your jealousy has something that you should be working on or want and should pursue in your own life.

    When I was in my teens, I was jealous of friends who I perceived as stealing away my good friends. I eventually learned that if they were my true friends, we would remain friends. And if they could be stolen away from me, they weren't good friends to begin with. I was a little needy in this way. Conversely, I had in my early 20s a couple of women friends who were very needy and were jealous of not having all my time and attention or who were competitive with me. I just let these friendships go as I can't stand to be smothered like that.

  5. #5
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    I can get very jealous but it is highly unlikely that most people would notice it. I am pretty reserved about showing a lot of emotions unless they are playful or friendly. Sometimes people can see that I am angry or stressed, but even then, if I allow them to see it, I'm probably trying to add a bit of a self-deprecating tone to keep it light.

    But getting back to the jealousy thing...I don't have so much experience of it in a romantic relationship. I actually went out with a guy who was quite flirty/charming and the jealousy was more of an issue after we broke up...which is a bit stupid, I know. I think while we were in a relationship, I just trusted him implicitly (probably unwise!). Afterwards, unfortunately we were in a situation where we still saw each other pretty regularly and I would see red when I saw him flirting with other girls. Totally unhealthy, I know. I was young and it was a lousy situation to be in. I don't think it was very visible, though it did get back to me once that someone had caught the dirty look I'd shot her after my ex had been having a flirty conversation with her.

    I think I am more likely to get jealous of situations. I have sometimes found myself jealous of a friend who announces her engagement, not because I'm secretly in love with her fiance - which would never cross my mind - but because I wonder if I'm going to find a lasting relationship and it is something I'd like to have. But it passes, and then I can feel happy for them. I have also been jealous of close friends who got to know each other partly through me, but later becamse somewhat closer with each other than they were with me. But it also passes and I accept it.

    I certainly wouldn't say jealousy is something that has had a destructive effect on my life in terms of making me do unwise or unpleasant things. But there have been times when it has done some nasty things to my mind and heart, even if it's almost invisible to others. I am aware that it is something I need to fight.
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  6. #6
    Senior Member Santosha's Avatar
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    SilkRoad ~ Thanks for the input! I do think that the NF "idealist" might be a bit more prone to trying to bury these emotions when they emerge, seeing them as "not very ideal." And thats why I wanted to open this thread.. because OFCOURSE jealousy is an extremely vulnerable and sometimes unbecoming feeling. But the truth is.. everyone has felt it from time to time. I am apt to believe that NF's in general would be more prone to jealousy over relations, as you mentioned a friends engagement. I have been a bit jealous too when my best friends tied the knot. And not because I don't want them to have what they have, I would never want to take that from them.. just wish I had it myself sometimes. When I was younger I too would feel a bit of jealousy when I introduced good friends and saw their friendship blossom into more than ours was.

    Getting older, I've found ways to offset jealous feelings. Usually, when a bout hits (rare but when it does it hits HARD, Fi) I try to rationalize the situation. Logically talking myself through it.. why I feel this way, how I need to work on myself to have what ever it may be I'm jealous over, remembering that at my core I believe we are ALL connected, and that a success for anyone is a success for all, etc.

    As an ENFP I've noticed that I get jealous with fun and travel. Yes isn't this SILLY?! But when close friends or family members get to travel a few times a year, and I'm stuck working to pay the bills or for school, I tend to get REALLY crabby! I have to talk myself through it and realize that these people have worked very hard and strategically to make this happen. After getting devastatingly bummed out about this a few times, I finally just took a job with an airline!

    I've noticed that my SFJ friends get jealous over possessions! Maybe its just them I'm not sure. Its funny because I have NEVER been jealous over how big someones house is, who many boats or toys they have, etc. I've always known that with that house and toys comes a big mortgage and loan payments, which to me equals lots of OBLIGATION, which equals not much fun =)

    My NT brother and NT friends seem to get jealous over professional acheivement. They would never outwardly admit to jealousy.. but I've seen them become irritated when another person gets promoted or complimented alot on intelligence if they do not believe said person to be better at it than them. Again, I've never felt jealous over anothers carreer success.. only experiences and human relations.
    Man suffers only because he takes seriously what the gods made for fun - Watts

  7. #7
    Senior Member Santosha's Avatar
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    Anyone else willing to reveal when there Green Eyed Monster has hit? How they overcome or deal with these feelings?
    Man suffers only because he takes seriously what the gods made for fun - Watts

  8. #8
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    You know, I totally hear you about experiences and human relations! I think that's what it comes down for me too. I've actually been fortunate to be able to travel a lot, but there have been times when someone took a trip I really wanted to take or whatever and it just wasn't possible for me then, and yeah, I could be jealous of something like that too. Possessions/achievement, also not so much. But above all, definitely mostly friendship and romantic relationship stuff.

    I started a thread entitled "my girlfriend is ultra-jealous" (something I heard someone say!) in the Relationships forum...you might want to have a look there...a bit different from this but you might find it interesting!
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  9. #9
    Senior Member Lily flower's Avatar
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    I am never jealous about "things" or wanting stuff, careers, or my husband, since he is very faithful.

    But I do tend to be jealous of friendships - when I am good friends with women, I tend to feel threatened when they have other good friends. I try not to ever express it or make it an issue, but it's there internally.

  10. #10
    mrs disregard's Avatar
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    ^ yes I can totally relate to jealousy with friendships.

    I remember when a good friend of mine at work and I were just getting to know each other, she casually mentioned how a friend/coworker of ours (with whom she's worked for 5 years) and she had just gone shoe shopping together to find shoes like mine. Immediately I thought, They must hang out all the time! What a third wheel I am! but when talking to her later, upon saying something to the extent of "you guys must hang out all the time", she said that was the first time they'd hung out!

    I'm prone to such fears ("they like each other way more than they like me!"), which act as an accelerant to jealousy. Jealousy a secondary emotion. It's like anger from hurt.

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