[INFJ] infj males, hesitancy, disarmament

[the state i am in]

i'm wondering if we can brainstorm what helps us disarm. i'm guessing it's by far the worst for 4w5 and 5w4, and probably worse the more inferior so you get (sx/sp, sp/sx).

i feel like my world is best seen by Ne types. with enps i'm usually good, especially 7w6s. they can see what surrounds me, the actual world i feel like i am experiencing, the possibilities that are in play that are constructing the situation for me. the communication is just great.

i feel like Fi types accept me in a way that puts me at ease. i've noticed this especially with infp 9w1s and enfp 7w6s. they seem to have far superior awareness about my emotional state, and that's incredibly grounding (infp 4w5 have more hesitancy, we both feel accountable to uphold an image of ourselves, and we are both maybe a bit more wary of letting our guard down). their nudges work because they establish trust. i don't know how to say it, they just identify with your feeling space, and when they do that and your feelings are accepted, it's just easier to trust and have faith in the bond between you. at the same time, it can be confusing and induce miscommunications when you feel like while that is extremely special and important to you and then suddenly realize they are able to do that with everyone (the e4 aspects kicking in, wanting to be fundamentally special, set apart, celebrated).

1w2s often seem to be able to put me at ease in particular ways regarding sense of humor. there is no limit to how dark the humor gets. that sense of intellectual freedom in conversation is really enjoyable and helps alleviate social stress because it puts possibilities back in play, and you can be witty in whatever fucking language you know, regardless of how dark that can be.

 

[Lauren]

i'm wondering if we can brainstorm what helps us disarm. i'm guessing it's by far the worst for 4w5 and 5w4, and probably worse the more inferior so you get (sx/sp, sp/sx).

i feel like my world is best seen by Ne types. with enps i'm usually good, especially 7w6s. they can see what surrounds me, the actual world i feel like i am experiencing, the possibilities that are in play that are constructing the situation for me. the communication is just great.

i feel like Fi types accept me in a way that puts me at ease. i've noticed this especially with infp 9w1s and enfp 7w6s. they seem to have far superior awareness about my emotional state, and that's incredibly grounding (infp 4w5 have more hesitancy, we both feel accountable to uphold an image of ourselves, and we are both maybe a bit more wary of letting our guard down). their nudges work because they establish trust. i don't know how to say it, they just identify with your feeling space, and when they do that and your feelings are accepted, it's just easier to trust and have faith in the bond between you. at the same time, it can be confusing and induce miscommunications when you feel like while that is extremely special and important to you and then suddenly realize they are able to do that with everyone (the e4 aspects kicking in, wanting to be fundamentally special, set apart, celebrated).

1w2s often seem to be able to put me at ease in particular ways regarding sense of humor. there is no limit to how dark the humor gets. that sense of intellectual freedom in conversation is really enjoyable and helps alleviate social stress because it puts possibilities back in play, and you can be witty in whatever fucking language you know, regardless of how dark that can be.

I'm not sure about my wing but I believe that with the friend that I was interested in romantically, we established a friendship in part because I feel I was able to ground him due to my Fi. I think he's an INFP with a fairly strong T. Regardless, he flows much more with the moment than I do. He has a kind of skittishness--his mind is always focusing and scanning for body language or clues in his environment as to what others feel and what they need. He can become scattered because he tries to please and wants to excel. I'm a calm person or at least I appear to be. I focused in on him and listened to him, before I knew I liked him romantically. I feel I calm him or help to center him because when I'm there, I'm completely there. Other people don't always like this much attention but he likes it, I feel. I think he's had people move in and out of his life and with me, I didn't move. If he asked for something, I would be there for him. I love the abstract and look for nonverbal cues as well, so we were on the same wavelength. I also have that wicked/weird/playful sense of humor that I think he liked as well. I just don't think women or men focus in on him that much, or take the time to listen to his thoughts or pay close attention to him. When his boss talks with him or his co-workers, they talk past him. He values intimacy--that focus--but rarely finds it, I feel....you know, the person who values his feelings and really looks at him and notices if he's tired or stressed.

I like one-on-one and to get to know a person. I think it's much like you say about having a good sense of his emotional state. I hone right in on that and will try to create a safe place for him to either express whatever he's feeling or if he's overwhelmed. to commiserate or let him be (I'm sometimes too present when he wants to be left alone).

I haven't thought about it that much, but I will always gently nudge a person. I don't like to push my thoughts on others or be intrusive. If I spend a lot of time with them and pay special attention to them, then I like them as more than a friend. I don't do this with everyone. I always focus in on someone but if I like them ony as a friend, I won't give them romantic signals. I don't know if this helps...

 

[the state i am in]

yeah, i think i see what you're saying very well. i have an infp 4w5 so/sx friend who does the last paragraph really well. it's slightly different. you don't get those immediate rays of acceptance in a visible way that i get with 9s and 7s, but the sensitivity and awareness of what you're going through once you become an important person to them is amazing. it's shocking what consideration will do/is capable of. i need to remember this. when i have taken the time and made the effort to go through the process of considering someone else fully, that person is usually receptive and appreciative of that offering. i value the times i've been checked into being more considerate, because they've made me more accountable and more aware, that my system of judgment wasn't seeing very far beyond my own nose, even if i had purported to be working for others.

i appreciate the description you've given! you've really identified many of the specific scenarios that go into the general feeling i'm talking about. that's precisely the thing--you probably recognize them better than we do, even tho it's supposed to be our experience!! are you an e9, by chance?

 

[Lauren]

yeah, i think i see what you're saying very well. i have an infp 4w5 so/sx friend who does the last paragraph really well. it's slightly different. you don't get those immediate rays of acceptance in a visible way that i get with 9s and 7s, but the sensitivity and awareness of what you're going through once you become an important person to them is amazing. it's shocking what consideration will do/is capable of. i need to remember this. when i have taken the time and made the effort to go through the process of considering someone else fully, that person is usually receptive and appreciative of that offering. i value the times i've been checked into being more considerate, because they've made me more accountable and more aware, that my system of judgment wasn't seeing very far beyond my own nose, even if i had purported to be working for others.

i appreciate the description you've given! you've really identified many of the specific scenarios that go into the general feeling i'm talking about. that's precisely the thing--you probably recognize them better than we do, even tho it's supposed to be our experience!! are you an e9, by chance?

As I recall, when I took the test a while back, I think I was an e9...I remember it fit me well...if only I could remember it I'll have to take the test again. I always tend to go into scenarios rather than being more general. A habit

It's interesting. Until that recent relationship, I didn't know how much I like to show acceptance of someone and quietly doing things for them as a way of showing I care...I can be more overt, but in this situation, it turned out that wasn't possible (complicated). You made me think about how I don't trust necessarily an immediate "I like you!" (it depends on the person, though). I trust a relationship more if it builds over time...or to me that says someone really cares if they have the patience to see beneath the surface or remain steadfast through my not-so-admirable moments. Sometimes that immediate positive response is great but often the relationship just stays on the surface. They might form an opinion about you and you're quietly put into a certain category. I think being playful is a good way to get to know someone...it opens me up when someone is naturally playful. With my three good INFJ friends, we definitely connected more deeply by being wacky with each other.

 

[Skyward]

I generally like the IP types. An INTP can help me clear the confused mess of my mind into easy to digest concepts that put me at ease just as quickly as the simple acceptance of an NFP can (although, ENFPs make me tired or put off (depending on how acutely their Te shows) and I feel like I'm invading an INFP's personal space).

In the end, my INTP friend, who isn't pompous in his upper-tier intelligence, is my first go-to if there's an emotional puzzle to solve, merely because he sees the interactions at play and can cut to the core of an issue without 'shoving it in my face' as overbearing Te consistently does. He doesn't solve the problem, merely simplifies the equation.

My enneagram is a tough call. It is probably 9/4/1 in some order.