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  1. #1
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    Default INFJ Male/INTJ Female

    Hi guys,

    my first post here, and not sure if a similar topic has been posted previously.

    I have an INFJ male co-worker (he did the test recently) in his mid-20s whom I'm quite interested in and intrigued by. We've gone out on the spur of the moment to after-work dinners, just the two of us. and also exchanged text messages outside of work on weekends etc. There have been a couple of times when he was working late by himself at the office, and asked me to continue texting him on his mobile then. He seems like the sort who's better at written communication than verbal, and mentioned that he can't imagine talking on the phone for more than 20 mins. My fellow co-workers perceive him as shy/quiet and not prone to initiating conversations. One even mentioned that she couldn't imagine any girl being romantically interested in him.

    He seems pretty mood driven and tends to open up more/share more personal insights with me when work isn't too stressful. For that reason, I think I've been getting both hot and cold signals from him, and can't really tell if he's interested in pursuing something romantically.

    I'll be moving on from this job in a couple of months though, and am really not sure if he wants to keep in touch. He mentioned that he doesn't think co-workers usually keep in touch, which seems a sweeping generalisation. I've read that INFJ guys don't do much initiating though, as an INTJ female I'm prepared to put myself out there a bit more, but I have my personal limits too.

    Anyone has advice?

  2. #2
    にゃん runvardh's Avatar
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    I think I've seen elsewhere on the forums that the hot and cold thing is pretty normal with them; something about wanting to be sure of things with out being invasive. Male or female, I think they both need a decent sign of interest, and consistency in it, in order to step into the water instead of just testing it with their toe periodically. They are easier to scare a way than to draw closer, but most things are easier to destroy than they are to create.
    Dreams are best served manifest and tangible.

    INFP, 6w7, IEI

    I accept no responsibility, what so ever, for the fact that I exist; I do, however, accept full responsibility for what I do while I exist.

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  3. #3
    Senior Member the state i am in's Avatar
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    what do you want to know? my intj ex put up with a lot of shit (re: hot and cold). she also taught me how to be a better human being in a lot of ways, which i am deeply grateful for and will always feel indebted to her as a result. but it's in a way that's different, it's in a way that makes me feel good, that makes me feel generous and proud rather than obligated. anyway, what are your enneagram types (me 5w4--her 6w7)? i (sx/sp) was kind of tumultuous for her (sp/so). i trusted her more than i've ever trusted anyone, and while she wasn't great at coaxing me out of my shell, necessarily, she was great at waiting for me to realize it was safe and then proving that it was. it did take a long time. at times it was difficult to share the fullness of our understanding, and again, i think this is the subtype more than anything. i'd push for so much connection, she would be more distant, but more content. we appreciated each other at times from distances that were difficult to align, and as a result, to share fully, simultaneously. writing was foundational. i wish we would have kept writing, because i think it would have helped ground us in a form of communication where we could find each other easier. the letters/notes she wrote to me are my absolute favorite possessions. i'd say writing and touch were the most effective ways to communicate. well, and music. so much intention gets out and lives in music more easily than in talk, courting, etc. sometimes music makes it easier to just know. we were also in different life arcs. i'm a few years away from a professional school and she was starting the next round of professional school, which put an exorbitant amount of pressure on us to hurry things up. she's one of the best people i've ever met.

    also, i kept in touch with this intj for 8 years with many gaps in between. it currently makes me sad to think about it, but i know that we will always see each other as one of our respective favorite persons in the world. the fact that you can write and deeply communicate through writing makes staying in touch ALWAYS feasible (and valuable). if i had been in a more mature place, or had conditions that would have been more helpful to continue making great self-improvement strides (we were living under extremely stressful conditions the 8-10 months of our relationship), it could have definitely worked out. but as was, it was my first major breakup, and i've needed it to realize the work i need to do on myself to be prepared for a relationship that can fully thrive. still, we were close.

  4. #4
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    thanks for your response. well I guess I just want to know how to take this forward, since it seems that he might not be pro-active. I actually knew I would be intrigued by him within the first few days we met, and asked him to take the MBTI test. I had him pegged as an INTX because he seemed so calm/cool, albeit a bit of the engineering nerd sort. (but i like nerd boys, so.) He has mentioned to me a couple of times that the calmness is just on the surface, and he doesn't show his feelings. Not sure how much experience he has had with girls. I'm also not sure about his enneagram type, but I should be a 5x6.

  5. #5
    Senior Member the state i am in's Avatar
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    your facts all seem to check out. enneagram would help a lot. i'm a 5w4, and i know that techniques didn't really work but patience did. the only type i could see constructing a strategy that would be able to beat me at my own game (of self-conscious self-sabotage) would be an entp. most of the intjs i've met felt way more colleague-y to me. even struggled to become friends. if we don't get something heartfelt laid down, it's hard for us to mobilize and move together. like the starter isn't firing right. 4s would be a bit different, as would 9s.

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