User Tag List

123 Last

Results 1 to 10 of 31

Thread: INFJ guy help

  1. #1
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    9w8
    Posts
    10

    Default INFJ guy help

    Hello,

    I've been searching around for awhile for some help on a problem I have with an INFJ guy when I noticed some similar threads on here that had some really great replies. I have a friend that I'm really interested in, but I can't tell how he feels because he's SO INFJ. I'm not sure how coherently I can explain all this, but please bear with me

    We've been friends for several months now and we hang out with the same group a lot. I'm really comfortable with the other guys in the group and we joke and talk a lot more than the INFJ guy and I do. He usually hangs out more with a couple of the other girls. From the beginning of our group though, he and I have always acted differently around each other, almost avoiding each other entirely at times and then having great conversations other times (usually when it's just me and him). He'll regularly avoids me for half the day and then the rest of the day act like I'm the only person in the world.
    **So question 1: is that normal for guy INFJs? He's usually super nice and I'm the only person he's like this to (the ignoring part). It gets to the point of being almost insulting how he'll ignore me at times. But then he does a 180 and talks to me the rest of the day!

    Our whole group works at the same place as (very low paid) volunteers at a non-profit, so hours are long (50-60+) and money is tight, and we all help each other out when we can. I have a little more money for groceries than he does, and I've given him a standing offer of me getting his groceries sometime. He took me up on the offer once, offered to pick me up (on the other side of town), took me out to coffee first at a farmer's market, then afterwards we window shopped at a really nice mall (half an hour away, which considering gas prices, was a big deal) and had lunch. It was all his initiative. I'm not certain, but I want to say that I'm the only girl he ever really hangs out with alone. We've gone grocery shopping since then too, and one time I'm pretty sure he just wanted to go out with me, regardless of if I could help him with groceries or not.
    **Question 2: is this just him being nice or trying to show interest? I've driven him around a lot before and he's tried to get my gas in return, but I wouldn't let him (I'm really stubborn when it comes to people paying me back for things, but I'm getting better, because he seemed rather upset that I wouldn't let him).

    We had a break over Christmas and when we got back things seemed different. We talked a couple times at work, but when I'd text him over the weekend to hang out with our group he would never respond. (To clarify, the group usually ends up at his apt, and I always text him to find out the details of what's going on. This time he's just not responded to me at all, even though I knew they were doing stuff). Even when I asked him in person what he was doing that night and if he wanted to go out, he said he was crashing early, when really he ended up going out. Last week we talked and hung out a lot at work and he paid a lot of attention to me. A lot more than he pays to the other girls in our group. And he gave me a hug (albeit an awkward side hug) when I left his apt Sat night (but none of the other girls leaving then too), which is kinda a big deal because he's definitely not a touchy person and rarely initiates hugs with people. We didn't have to be at work until late this Friday because of the weather, so I asked if he wanted to hang out Thursday night. His response was "who is this" :/ I'm temporarily on a different phone and not everyone has my number, but I've texted him before so he should've had it. I told him who it was but then he never texted anything back. When I saw him at work Friday though he looked beyond exhausted, so I'm wondering if he just ignored me because he was so tired? I know he really shuts down and needs alone time when he's tired, but he didn't even respond with 'no' after I said it was me. He's known to be horrible about texting/calling people back, but it came across as really rude and like he just didn't want to talk to me.
    **Question 3: why is he now talking to me at work, completely ignoring me socially, and then hangs out with me all weekend and acts like he likes me, and then goes back to ignoring me??

    I'm also an INFJ, so it's really hard for me to show him how I feel and him not just think I'm being nice. It really just goes back and forth with lots of eye-gazing that neither of us acknowledge the other is doing because we're such awkward people, and then we just start ignoring each other again.

    I'm sorry if this was long, or confusing, but I'm really at a loss as to what to do, and I'd love some feedback on if this guy might like me, and if so what should I do about it? Or is he just a nice guy who wants to be my friend? Or if he's being a jerk by going back and forth so much with me and I should just drop it? Despite being an INFJ as well, this guy confuses me so much, but I really REALLY like him.

    ~Frankie~

  2. #2
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    6w5 sp/sx
    Posts
    3,939

    Default

    Sorry to hear you're facing a bit of a dilemma with this guy.

    I should say upfront that I'm probably the wrong girl to answer this question, given that I have very little experience of INFJ guys (maybe one or two?) and then only as platonic friends...and in general I'm hardly a relationship guru. But to me, he just sounds confused and really uncertain about what he wants...talk about mixed messages! Ok, I'm a girl INFJ, not a guy INFJ, but the only reason I would ignore someone's text would be if I really didn't want to get back to them, not because I was tired. I do get tired and feeling like I need to get away from people and recharge, but it would be strange to not have enough energy to respond to a text. I think INFJs tend to be courteous or at least to preserve the appearance of it...

    I'd be wary with people like that because it just sounds like, if you did get together, he's indecisive enough that it could end up being traumatically on-off...

    Questions that come to mind: how old are you guys? What makes you sure he's INFJ?
    Female
    INFJ
    Enneagram 6w5 sp/sx


    I DOORSLAMMING

  3. #3
    Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Posts
    34

    Default

    I'm an INFJ girl too, so not really the guys perspective but....
    There are two reasons I would ignore someone. 1) I wasn't interested in them but think they might be interested in me and want to avoid giving them the wrong idea or encouragement. 2) I really liked them and thought they were not interested in me so I separate myself to try to cut my losses a little and not continue developing feelings.
    I know these are opposite reasons, but just about the same reaction from me. I can't even tell you how to tell the difference between the two.

  4. #4
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    9w8
    Posts
    10

    Default

    Silkroad, We're both 23, and he said once that he's INFJ.

    mystory, that's the reasons I can think of too. If anything, he's given off far more signs of being interested in me than I am in him and I act a lot more friendly with the other guys in our group. But he's also not letting me be as nice to him as I was before, which I'm not sure what he means by it... I (and others) always let him eat our leftovers because he's *always* hungry. When we were all out to dinner Sat. night I asked if he wanted some of my food because I knew I wouldn't be able to eat even half of it. He said he couldn't until I was actually done eating because of his conscience...really not sure what he meant by that, but I didn't ask further. And once I was done he gladly ate the rest of my food.

    I do know he's been extremely tired lately. We have a very emotionally draining and physically and mentally demanding job, plus he hardly gets time alone. I know I'm not the only one he doesn't always respond to when he's exhausted.

    ~Frankie~

  5. #5
    Senior Member Lily flower's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2010
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    2
    Posts
    931

    Default

    INFJ's have the bad habit of acting too interested in someone, then backing off to protect themselves. It sounds a little exhausting to me, but it does sound like INFJ behavior to me.

  6. #6
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Posts
    180

    Default

    I've been like this before (and I still do it, sometimes.)

    It feels like when I have alot of things in mind and the need to shift focus on 'task at hand' eg: It can be work-related, life stuff, people, significant other, etc. I don't ignore people on purpose because I feel bad if I were to do that. I'm heavily introverted, by the way, and he could be same, too. Always remember, a male INFJ's life is 'harsher' than a female's.

    I don't know what conversations you have with him one-on-one. It is best if you could ask him how's life like for him lately. Share with him why you asked and show him that you care. I prefer sharing more about myself in one-on-one conversations.

    How long have you known him?

  7. #7
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Posts
    180

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Lily flower View Post
    INFJ's have the bad habit of acting too interested in someone, then backing off to protect themselves. It sounds a little exhausting to me, but it does sound like INFJ behavior to me.
    Yep!

  8. #8
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Posts
    180

    Default

    Oh, and the food thing....

    He meant that he needs to be sure you're unable to finish your food before he can have it. It's a politeness thing on our part.

  9. #9
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    9w8
    Posts
    10

    Default

    ilovelurking,
    we've known each other for about 6 months now. Usually we talk about work and he spends most of it venting about things, which I don't think he does with many people here. I vent some too, but mostly I listen and try to give him advice on how to deal with situations. We also talk a lot about where we're going in life, jobs after this one, where we want to live someday, where we see ourselves in a few years sort of stuff. For the most part he approaches me when he wants to talk about problems, but sometimes I'm able to initiate and get him to go for a coffee run and have a short conversation by ourselves. We have random conversations about nothing too, which I wish we had more of so we could get to know each other better, but our one on one time is rather sparse. Sometimes its just ten minutes to get some coffee or have lunch (we only see each other on Fridays during the week), or walking to and from places on the weekends (if we can get away from the other 10 people in our group!).

    I'm thinking of making him a card this week to try and cheer him up. If I don't over analyze card making and what to put on it and what I should write and how he'll take the meaning of the card too much :/ which I'm already doing.

    Quote Originally Posted by ilovelurking View Post
    Always remember, a male INFJ's life is 'harsher' than a female's.
    I come from a background where I had to be the tough one, and sometimes I still feel weird when I show my more 'feeling' side, but I forget a lot that as hard as it is for me to realize I don't have to have to act tough, it's probably a lot harder for INFJ guys. Thanks for the reminder

    Quote Originally Posted by Lily flower View Post
    INFJ's have the bad habit of acting too interested in someone, then backing off to protect themselves. It sounds a little exhausting to me, but it does sound like INFJ behavior to me.
    Do INFJ guys do this a lot? I kinda do this, but I'm also the type that if I know what I want or need, I'll do it. I can be very straightforward and blunt, as can he, which is why his back and forth behavior confuses me so much.

    ~Frankie~

  10. #10
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Posts
    180

    Default

    Cards are good! It's good you noticed that you might've overanalyzed things. I think he might be doing the same as well.

Similar Threads

  1. [INFJ] INFJ needing help
    By Mr Snuggles in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 15
    Last Post: 03-02-2012, 05:24 PM
  2. [INFJ] Need INFJ's help (Please!)
    By The Librarian in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 4
    Last Post: 09-30-2011, 09:16 PM
  3. [INFJ] INTJ falling for INFJ friend. Help? (Long read)
    By nyc bred in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 10
    Last Post: 08-29-2011, 01:31 PM
  4. [INFJ] How easy is it to hurt an INFJ guy's feelings?
    By INTJMom in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 34
    Last Post: 01-10-2010, 03:37 PM
  5. [INFJ] INFJ Grudges? * help please :( *
    By Misty_Mountain_Rose in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 60
    Last Post: 08-18-2009, 09:28 AM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Single Sign On provided by vBSSO