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Thread: INFJ guy help

  1. #11
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    Are there any other things that I could do to get him to know I like him? I'm afraid I've been way too subtle and reserved with my actions towards him and that he has no clue I like him. He did like the card though I'm way too shy to just tell him I like him or to do anything overtly flirty, but what are some things I could do that he'd pick up on and make him realize I like him?

    I feel like I should know all this since I'm an INFJ too, but I'm as dense as brick when it comes to anything romantic

    ~Frankie~

  2. #12
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    *lol* I'm dense, too. I love my ENFP for that!

    You can start by saying you miss him at the end of meeting him/phonecalls/text messages.

  3. #13
    Senior Member the state i am in's Avatar
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    i've had these exact same situations before. i'm working SO HARD right now trying to figure out how to break this cycle. i've had it happen three times in the last month.

    basically, if i vent, if i communicate, if i'm fully myself, i kind of unconsciously talk. i'm an sx/sp. it just gushes forth. i trust, to some degree, or i believe it's worth it, or i'm interested in sharing myself. it's still sometimes more me-centered than the other person centered, but if i think i can share me, it's usually because i trust, respect, and am genuinely interested in the other person. but after this unconscious gushing, i recognize that my monitor completely turned off. i have no idea what this person thinks, and worse yet, i'm COMPLETELY OBLIVIOUS to the social record. i don't know if i violated any norms, any expectations, what kind of signals have been sent, etc. i get so self-conscious, i feel guilty, i blame myself, i'm embarrassed bc i can't take anything back, all the alarm bells are going off, and i get super SKITTISH. i'm not present at all, i'm overwhelmed by projections rather than drinking in experience and being in the moment. i don't know how to respond because i'm not in a responsive kind of flow, i've lost it, and ESPECIALLY in social situations when i feel like i've just lost control of my image, i have no idea what i've been projecting to others, and i don't know what the context of the current moment is bc i haven't been building a story of where you are, where i am, etc. i've just let down my guard and started blurting shit out.

    if i gravitate to someone, it means i'm interested in them. i want to talk. i want to explore. i want to share, most of all, sharing is the most important thing to me. the chance to be the real me is the best possibility of all possibilities. but especially when that intersects with social expectations, i lose my sense of confidence and feel like i'm just missing the story, just full of gaps, and trying to be prepared doesn't help, but the more anxious the more i get out of the moment, the more difficult it is to just flow, and the more overwhelming it feels trying to accept your emotions, stabilize the anxiety, and ALLOW YOURSELF TO MAKE MISTAKES. i hate the idea of making a mistake so much. just one. how could i forgive myself. i'm working on it.

    anyway, this rant is one potential way of populating the interior of your infj male in question. what's his enneagram? from my perspective, i think i would have some interest in a female infj. so much to learn from each other. but i feel so terrible at exploring situations, and instead do too much immediate predictive --> protective cutting off or avoidance.

    also, i lose confidence in my READING OF THE STORY between us all the time. i'm terrible at creating and keeping those threads going, and checking in with the interiors. as a result, gestures and exteriors can get overblown, and become so inflected with my own mood state. being firm in your place in the story, sharing just a bit of your story that is important or clears away anxiety, well, it tends to advance things quite successfully in my experience. the hesitation loop is so frustrating for infjs, and i want to figure out how to break it, but sometimes in our moments of unhealth it seems like we just feel dependent on that initiation coming from outside of us!

  4. #14
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    So....you're saying he's talking so much b/c he's so comfortable that he doesn't give himself the chance to figure out what I think and thus gets awkward b/c he might've just said/done something socially awkward that could alienate me? But in reality the only reason he's alienating me is because he just got awkward?


    Quote Originally Posted by the state i am in View Post
    i've just let down my guard and started blurting shit out.
    He does this a lot. He just starts rambling about personal things stressing him out as soon as we're alone.

    Quote Originally Posted by the state i am in View Post
    i hate the idea of making a mistake so much. just one. how could i forgive myself. i'm working on it.
    He forgot what state I'm from (and put me from a completely different state) a couple weeks ago. I've never heard someone apologize so much or try to make so many excuses about why he forgot where I'm from. It was honestly a little cute so think of that next time you make a 'mistake' -- maybe she'll just pass it off as cute!

    Quote Originally Posted by the state i am in View Post
    also, i lose confidence in my READING OF THE STORY between us all the time. i'm terrible at creating and keeping those threads going, and checking in with the interiors. as a result, gestures and exteriors can get overblown, and become so inflected with my own mood state.
    I do this all the time. I'm trying not to, but it's hard.

    Quote Originally Posted by the state i am in View Post
    i want to figure out how to break it, but sometimes in our moments of unhealth it seems like we just feel dependent on that
    I'm going to attempt to break it. I've realized that I've (b/c of my many insecurities and bad luck in the past with guys) been giving him a ton of mixed/negative signals as a way to protect myself. But I like him far too much for this to not happen just because I'm too shy to let him know I like him. There's some old spanish missions on the edge of town and there's hiking trails between some of them. Since we both love walking, and the weather is supposed to be great this weekend, I'm going to ask him this week if he wants to go there with me. Hopefully none of our other friends invite themselves like they have a habit of doing! And hopefully I actually get the courage to ask him and don't freeze up and just mumble something incoherently in his general direction

    And I don't know his enneagram unfortunately.
    ~Frankie~

    ~~ INFJ ~ 9w8 ~~

  5. #15
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    well, I find the only time I act similarly to the way you describe this guy, is when I really like some one, but am really unsure of my feelings for them, and im partially afraid of getting to attached to fast (or them getting to attached to fast) while im still unsure what I want... Im not exactly a typical INFJ male however... so take what I say with a grain of salt...

    The ignoring of texts seem a bit strange though, but if he is notorious about this, does that to everyone, then I wouldn't take offense at it, he could just hate phones/texting, like I do, I still dont ignore texts (when I had a working phone) but my replies would normally be very short...Your best bet, is to just cut through all the games and let him know you are interested, but in a non-threatening mellow sort of way like "I am interested in the possibility of a romantic relationship with you, but im happy as just friends if thats what you want." kinda thing... it may be incredibly hard, but sometimes being straight forward like that, is a hell of a lot easier than beating around the bush for years (been there, done that:/)

  6. #16
    Senior Member the state i am in's Avatar
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    i can't tell you what he's thinking bc i don't know, but this is how i'd read it through the lens of my own experiences as an infj male. there's also a very strong component of not feeling like you know what the other person's expectations are (while knowing that the expectations seem somewhat different than they are for others, as you start to construct a story together that has to be monitored against a relationship script as well), and then just feeling awkward and extremely anxious that you won't be prepared to handle the other person's expectations and handle yourself at the same time. which then makes you perform even worse than you would if you just allowed yourself to make mistakes.

    your idea for a walk sounds like you are on the right track. there's no winning ticket move, and sometimes it's just not gonna be right, but that seems like you're doing a damn good job at this. while he may still be uncertain or awkward, it does say that you want to spend time alone together (preferably) and that you are thinking about something that would be nice for the both of you. he may be awkward and resistant to the situation for many reasons, including that the chance of something going wrong or embarrassing him is heightened. steadiness from the other person is one of the things i tend to value most. i know that when i'm a little steadier, when i am in flow more, i'm a great person. when i get a little skittish, i'm more erratic, more selfish, and more closed off to the experiences of others.

  7. #17
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    Well, I was going to ask him yesterday when I saw him, but never got a good chance to (might've chickened out a bit too...). I finally worked up the courage to send him a text last night, but I haven't gotten a response. Maybe he really isn't interested in me and him not hardly responding to my texts is his way of nicely letting me know to go away. Or he's just too nervous to respond. Either way, at this rate it looks like I'm not going to get anywhere with him any time soon :-/ Thanks for all the advice guys. I feel like this one might end up being a lost cause that I should probably let go before I get myself in too deep.
    ~Frankie~

    ~~ INFJ ~ 9w8 ~~

  8. #18
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    *huggles*

  9. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by Frankie View Post
    Well, I was going to ask him yesterday when I saw him, but never got a good chance to (might've chickened out a bit too...). I finally worked up the courage to send him a text last night, but I haven't gotten a response. Maybe he really isn't interested in me and him not hardly responding to my texts is his way of nicely letting me know to go away. Or he's just too nervous to respond. Either way, at this rate it looks like I'm not going to get anywhere with him any time soon :-/ Thanks for all the advice guys. I feel like this one might end up being a lost cause that I should probably let go before I get myself in too deep.
    Frankie...I admit...I have only skimmed this thread. And I have some sort of sinus headache thing going on so I really have no business responding...BUT to the bolded part...I will say that isn't really all that unusual...especially with INFJ e5. What I did was just keep pressing forward. I would say some stupid stuff that would seem to rattle him free (I should probably be writing this in the state i am in's disarming INFJ 4s & 5s'. Like I don't know what you said in your text...but if I was in the same situation I would just text again saying something like...'I am assuming all of your fingers are broken as you didn't get back to me and all...but I would still like to go on a walk. Using a pencil gripped between your teeth...please press Y for yes or N for no.' Okay...that was a terrible example...but providing my INFJ with those little nudges to say 'hey yah...that text was real...and I do exist outside of your head' was what was needed in my situation. Breaking through can be done but it does take a little time. I am not sure if you should give up just yet.

    All and all...you will know what is best to do for yourself.

  10. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by StarryKnights View Post
    Frankie...I admit...I have only skimmed this thread. And I have some sort of sinus headache thing going on so I really have no business responding...BUT to the bolded part...I will say that isn't really all that unusual...especially with INFJ e5. What I did was just keep pressing forward. I would say some stupid stuff that would seem to rattle him free (I should probably be writing this in the state i am in's disarming INFJ 4s & 5s'. Like I don't know what you said in your text...but if I was in the same situation I would just text again saying something like...'I am assuming all of your fingers are broken as you didn't get back to me and all...but I would still like to go on a walk. Using a pencil gripped between your teeth...please press Y for yes or N for no.' Okay...that was a terrible example...but providing my INFJ with those little nudges to say 'hey yah...that text was real...and I do exist outside of your head' was what was needed in my situation. Breaking through can be done but it does take a little time. I am not sure if you should give up just yet.
    All and all...you will know what is best to do for yourself.

    ^ This!

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