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  1. #1
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    Default INFP/ENFJ relationship....ruined :/

    Hi everyone

    I just figured out my type and have a very important question! I am an over-thinking INFP who cannot make decisions. I recently dated a guy for only a few weeks and I'm almost positive he's an ENFJ.

    He's a teacher...really smart and sensible. He cares a lot for people he likes/loves. He...ugh I can't say enough. He was just a really good person that I connected with.

    Until I ruined it. I was way overthinking and trying to make sure that the relationship would work in the long run and didn't know if I would like any other guys as much as I would like him so the list goes on. I tried explaining my thoughts but apparently they came out horribly to him. He thought I meant that I was going to cheat on him. I would never do that to anyone. It's not in my cards.

    The thing is...he was kind of smothering me. I felt like he wanted so much and told me he could wait but I sensed he couldn't.

    It ended with me trying to explain myself and him (after dragging him through my exhausting never ending field of thoughts) saying "I can't do this anymore. You're too stressed and worried about this" and me saying "Wait...let me just explain myself more."

    It's been a few months. We haven't talked. Should I contact him again, even though I was the last one to write? Apologize or something. Not with the ulterior motive to "make it work" but moreso to clear up that I am not a crazy person.

    Ahh!

    I'm new here, so thanks for listening

    Your advice/support is much appreciated.

  2. #2
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    I just did some research on the forum.

    Apparently this is a common sticky situation/it has been talked about before.

    I probably won't talk to him again, but I am looking for some perspective from ENFJs on how they see the situation.

    What might he be thinking or what was he thinking? Could he really just move on because of the mass amount of stress I caused? Couldn't we have just talked it out a little more?

    Ugh I feel bad for not realizing what I was doing. At all.

    With that being said I have come to the conclusion that I need to get a little more comfortable in my own skin if I want this type (INFP/ENFJ) of relationship to work.

  3. #3
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    I can only speak for me..
    But it all depends on the amount of investment made at the time of feeling overwhelmed.
    If it's early and still in the "feeling things out stage" and I have called things off abruptly and not spoken to you in a few months.
    I would say my intentions are apparent.
    I get to this stage for a few different reasons. I think the person is unstable, either emotionally, mentally ,both or morally not my cup of tea.

    Or maybe I just can't deal with the intensity of things.
    Not to give you false hope or to dash what hopes you might have.
    But sometimes I just need to regroup and an apparent rejection isn't quite what it seems.

    If you get in touch with him.. I would advise you be very open with both yourself and him, as to what your intentions truly are.
    Which means you should make sure you know this, honestly with yourself.

    I am sorry your situation is causing you such hurt and confusion.
    I am not at my most soothing right now, but I hope I have been helpful in some way.

  4. #4
    I drink your milkshake. Thessaly's Avatar
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    I would say just ask him how he feels, but unless you're face to face he'll likely tell you some spin on how he feels. ENFJs are pathological liars when it comes to their feelings.

    Chances are you hurt him pretty bad if he hasn't made an attempt to be "friends" as they typically do.
    With dreamers, pure and simple, the imagination remains a vaguely sketched inner affair. It is not embodied in any aesthetic or practical invention. Reverie is the equivalent of weak desires. Dreamers are the aboulics of the creative imagination.

  5. #5
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    ENFJs are pathological liars when it comes to their feelings.
    That's a pretty harsh statement, no?

    Maybe your ENFJ is dishonest about his feelings?

    You seem to have found yourself one that is slightly defective, really immature or both.
    You obviously care about this guy.. I just wonder why sometimes..

    They say "Charm can get you through the first 20 minutes, after that you better know what you are talking about "
    Sounds like you are 22 minutes in and starting to wonder if those first 20 were real or not.

    As I mentioned, I am not at my soothing best.. Sorry..

  6. #6
    I drink your milkshake. Thessaly's Avatar
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    I don't view it as harsh. It's just what I see time and time again with several of you.
    With dreamers, pure and simple, the imagination remains a vaguely sketched inner affair. It is not embodied in any aesthetic or practical invention. Reverie is the equivalent of weak desires. Dreamers are the aboulics of the creative imagination.

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by Thessaly View Post
    I don't view it as harsh. It's just what I see time and time again with several of you.
    The harshness was not in your observation, but rather that you made it against all ENFJs and not just some.

    I am pretty certain I am not a pathological liar when it comes to my feelings.
    Then again.. I am not certain I am an ENFJ or if ENFJs really even exist.

  8. #8
    I drink your milkshake. Thessaly's Avatar
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    meh...Fe and Fi users hold different standards of honesty. Fi says fuck you, while Fe is says fuck you and I hope you have a lovely day.
    With dreamers, pure and simple, the imagination remains a vaguely sketched inner affair. It is not embodied in any aesthetic or practical invention. Reverie is the equivalent of weak desires. Dreamers are the aboulics of the creative imagination.

  9. #9
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    ENFJs can be quite warm, intoxicating, and yes...smothering. Their way of caring tends to require regular maintenance and has that warm, steady glow feeling to it, whereas our kind is more sporadic but usually a little more intense (in the case of this ENFJ, it was probably intense as well as he was infatuated with you )

    And yes, their J kinda demands 'where is this going', whereas we tend to go 'let's just see where it goes, k?' They like to know what the plan is..we like to keep our options open. So he pushed your insecurities and made you feel caged by being so smothering and you triggered his when you went 'dude, can't breathe!'

    Next time, you can anticipate them (= J's ) doing this, and stop yourself from panicking in the process. It'll give you some breathing space to reassure him that you're not going anywhere but [insert 'this is me-speech' for understanding]. We (=NFPs) tend to need the time in a relationship to let things grow naturally and get more info to make serious decisions like that, especially if we're rather young. It's a journey. To them it's the destination that matters. It's a matter of striking a balance between those needs by determining goals that you can commit to already (smaller than marriage and kids here!), while leaving the bigger overal journey open still

    AS for the situation at hand...if you run into him, say hi. Smile. Make it clear that despite your history together, there are no hard feelings, you just weren't compatible, or it was the wrong time or you were too inexperienced, pick one
    See if he responds in kind. If he does, perhaps you can restore a bond as acquaintances and see where it goes
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  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by Thessaly View Post
    meh...Fe and Fi users hold different standards of honesty. Fi says fuck you, while Fe is says fuck you and I hope you have a lovely day.
    So because I can still care about you and yet mean it when I say fuck you, I am not being honest?

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