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  1. #1
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    Default ENFJ more than friends? But he disappeared...

    I have a very good male friend who is an ENFJ. We are both in our thirties and have been in bad relationships in our past and afraid of being hurt. I realize that ENFJs are flirty by nature but I feel like we have some sort of chemistry and have shared some pretty personal information with eachother. Well....I have developed feelings for this guy. It's very hard for me to tell if someone I like, likes me back - I can say 50% of his signs say yes & 50% say no. It's complete mixed signals.

    Several weeks ago, I felt like there was a turning point in our relationship. I can't really explain how or why, but we just connected on a different level and I felt like maybe it was going to go somewhere. Then, the next time I saw him he pretty much ignored me and paid attention to a different girl. I decided that I had probably misread things and for my own self-preservation I would take a step back from him for awhile. That didn't last long and he charmed his way back into my life. He started bringing up subjects about relationships, like why I don't have a boyfriend and that he doesn't want to have a serious relationship again. I know this could be him trying to tell me that we're just friends, but he has no reason to do that really. I haven't acted like or shown that I'm interested in more. I get the feeling that he's fishing for information.

    Now he's suddenly disappeared - no texting, no calling, no facebooking for the last week or two. I figured that he might just need some space so I haven't bugged him, but it's really not like him to not contact me in this long. I don't want to put any pressure on him like he needs to be in touch with me regularly and I don't want to imply that he's upset with me or something and come off all possessive and needy. I'm a little concerned that he's ok though. Maybe he's down and my not contacting him is rude. What should I do? If he did have more than friend feelings for me and he was testing me out a little with his vague questions and I didn't respond correctly, would he disappear like this as if I had rejected him?

  2. #2
    Dependable Skeleton Engineer's Avatar
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    Interesting. Also, welcome to the forum!

    As for your situation, I find E-types hard to read as well, since their gregarious and friendly nature leads them to be equally charming to each person they encounter. However, if he hasn't contacted you in a few days, it's quite likely he may be testing you to see if you really are interested. At this point, asking if he's okay wouldn't really be misconstrued as wanting more, especially if you guys talked a lot before this sudden silence. Friends check up on friends. It is not at all rude, possessive, or needy to contact him; in fact it would show that you care about him-- whether as a friend or a potential romantic partner is up to you to convey.
    Trust me, I know what you're feeling... I hate coming off as smothering, too, but oftentimes, types like us think we're being over-expressive when really we've been acting overly distant or detached.
    So facebook him, text him, call him, whichever you feel is best! Check up on him, tell him you're concerned that you haven't heard from him, as any friend would after awhile.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
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    "Over the heartache that they say/Never completely goes away..."

  3. #3
    Senior Member Lily flower's Avatar
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    ENFJ's are very confusing when it comes to romance. From what I can tell, they lavish attention on everyone, then when they really like someone they ignore them. It can drive you crazy!

    When my husband and I were in a dating/not dating on-off thing, he apparently was crazy about me at the same time he was avoiding me like the plague. I can't explain it - it's just the way the ENFJ's are.

    My guess is that there was a connection between you and it scared him - therefore the no serious relationships comment. I believe he really was interested, though, because otherwise he wouldn't be asking you why you aren't in a relationship. If you are not interested in someone, or avoiding them, you don't ask questions like that. But he obviously isn't sure if he's ready to start anything.

    Unlike the poster above me, I wouldn't call. I would just wait until he comes back into your life again. He needs time to sort out his feelings towards you. Also, from the ones I know, ENFJ's absolutely have to be the pursuer in the relationship. They get scared off by too much interest.

  4. #4
    The Black Knight Domino's Avatar
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    Hit it head on. Call him up and ask him, flat out. No dancing around or guess work for you or him.

    If he says "I like you more than friends", god bless you both.
    If he says "I don't like you more than friends", that sucks and you can come here for plenty of congenial pats and encouragement.
    If he's vague and won't give you a straight answer, leave that box of puppies on the side of the road - they have rabies.

    You'll have your answer one way or another. Best of luck to you!
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  5. #5
    That's my name biotch! JoSunshine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lily flower View Post
    ENFJ's are very confusing when it comes to romance. From what I can tell, they lavish attention on everyone, then when they really like someone they ignore them. It can drive you crazy!
    I never really thought about it until I read this, but yes that is probably true. If I have no romantic feelings towards a man, I have no problem calling him, asking him to do things, etc. But if I am interested, I tend to be much more reserved and more likely to wait for him to make the move and I have to be SURE he has feelings for me before I will even begin to allow myself to invest any emotion (I have a "no crushes" rule). It is definitely not like I intend to be confusing, I am certain it is a jacked-up defense mechanism to avoid rejection. On the flip side of things, I personally am very direct and if someone expresses interest in me whom I am not interested in, I will say so. I have heard this is not the case for all ENFJ's and that wishy-washy responses are not uncommon. I think that is most likely an attempt to not hurt someones feelings, but IMO, it is worst to leave someone dangling on the emotional hook then to just be straight with them.

    Bottom line, if he is anything like me, letting him know you are interested in no uncertain terms is the way to go. It's hard to say whether or not he is into you from what you wrote, but there is only one way to find out (and hope he gives you a direct response).
    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. " - Dr. Seuss
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  6. #6
    The Black Knight Domino's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JoSunshine View Post

    Bottom line, if he is anything like me, letting him know you are interested in no uncertain terms is the way to go. It's hard to say whether or not he is into you from what you wrote, but there is only one way to find out (and hope he gives you a direct response).
    +1
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    Researcher: VDI-P
    Dramatic>Sensitive>Serious

  7. #7
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    Thanks for all your advice. I know I didn't give a lot of details - it's my irrational fear that he could read this and figure out that it's me and I'd be utterly embarrassed. I realize the likelihood of that happening is next to nothing, but...
    It seems like fear of rejection and needing to be sure that the other person will reciprocate feelings is common with INFJs & ENFJs. I am terrified of letting someone know I'm into them first. Also, I feel like the the guy should really do the pursuing so I try to find that balance of showing enough interest but not too much. Yes, I overthink everything
    I'm definitely too chicken to just ask right out how he feels. Unfortunately, I think this has been and will continue to be a chess game of each making moves until we figure out where the other one stands.

  8. #8
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    I would really like to hear more about how the ENFJ processes interest in someone and whether there is reciprocated interest. If he was having feelings for me but wasn't sure where I stood, how would he most likely act/re-act. Would he be afraid to make the friendship uncomfortable by letting me know he liked me? Would he be sensitive to even unintentional signs of rejection or my not paying enough attention?
    I know that I sometimes act the opposite of how I feel in these situations. I so badly don't want to let on that I'm interested that I act pretty cool at times and as if I'm not interested. I could see that as being extremely confusing and I hate that I do it, but again, I'm afraid.

  9. #9
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    So, I'm really, really lame, but I'm resurrecting my own thread again.....
    I back down in one of the lows on the roller-coaster of trying to figure out wtf is going on with my enfj guy.
    MADDENING! I adore him, we click, we have fun, we trust eachother. I have fallen hard.

    It's like he gets really chatty with me and almost seems 'addicted' to me, for lack of a better word. We do stuff together and if feels like we have a special something, and then just when I think it's going somewhere, he retreats and pulls away. I'm left wondering, what happened? Did he freak out and get scared? Does he think I'm getting the wrong idea and pull away? Am I thinking about our relationship WAY more than he is and he just didn't give it any thought, it's just coincidence?

    I have to point out that he is pretty complex. I think he battles his own desires quite a bit and I also think he might be an enneagram 6.
    All I can say is he's a very special person. I think he's misunderstood by a lot of people and the bond we have might be because he realizes that I might get him and support him more than some other do. I really wouldn't be dealing with this for so long if he wasn't worth it.I don't want to assume that there's something where there's nothing, but my gut tells me something.

    ANY and ALL insight would be appreciated. I feed off this stuff and just can't get enough info. Call it obsession.
    Actually, what I'd really like is to have a conversation with an ENFJ off of this public forum so I can explain some details without having them displayed all over the internet. I don't know any others though, that's why I came here

  10. #10
    Senior Member Sparrow's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear that your having a hard time with him! I have been guilty of running away. At the time I was really scared of commitment or scared of ruining a good friendship- usually happens with guys that I was good friends with first. Either that or they did something wrong. Have you had a heart to heart talk with him? Sometimes when I run away, I end up regretting it years later.
    Fe | Ni | Se | Ti ... 3w4 ... Lawful Neutral ... Johari -Nohari

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