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  1. #1
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    Default The dreaded INFJ delayed reaction - a ticking time-bomb

    The dreaded INFJ delayed reaction. Have you been on the receiving end of this, or have you discovered it in yourself?

    It's when you get a shock, particularly something in the nature of a friend letting you down or hurting your feelings big-time. This happens to me and I go into a kind of shock, I think. I may feel as though what has happened isn't really that bad. I may even tell them it's no big deal. Or if that isn't appropriate under the circumstances, I think to myself "oh well, that wasn't so bad after all. Hey ho".

    Anywhere from 12 to 36 hours later - my true feelings hit me. Anger, sadness, disbelief, whatever.

    What this has occasionally meant in practice is that I come back to the person and let them have it. Or even if I don't "let them have it", I dump a bunch more stuff onto them and they're like "But I thought you were ok with this? I thought we put this behind us already! I thought you forgave me!". And I can't really argue with what they're saying. It is kind of my fault, my bad.

    I guess one solution may be to not react at all until you know what your reaction is. This may at least be possible if you get an email containing something which is going to be a shock (this happened to me recently.) I wrote back to the person fairly quickly, a kindly email - but by 24 hours later I was quite angry about a bunch of stuff that hadn't hit me the previous day. Fortunately I was able to vent to a mutual friend who also knew all about the situation and was quite understanding of my perspective. That helped. But the problem with this particular situation is that to a certain extent, I've gone on reacting and thinking of things to react to, over a period of several weeks. It's mostly behind me now but it did raise some tension with the other person when I brought a few more things up at a few later stages.

    It's just, I have realised that this way of reacting to things has occasionally caused major difficulties in my relations with others. But what do you do if you literally don't know what your reaction is going to be in a few hours, days, or even weeks?

    Thoughts?
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    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    Thoughts?
    Carefully think through the details. (Don't jump to conclusions). Comb through what happens and THEN judge. Don't play nice it's disingenuous. Unless you are all like that always, which, from what you write you haven't been after the event.

    So if you decide and give them an answer 'on the spot', I suggest leaving them with something like "Let me get back to you"..or "I'm going to have to get back to you later."

    Afterward, do your careful sorting out of details. Then you'll have a better idea how to weigh your feelings and judgement of the event that happened.

    And hey, if you really find you are completely disgusted with them after your judgement, you can choose to not get back to them at all! Hahaha

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    resonance entropie's Avatar
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    Haha, great thread, I only read the title and knew

    Receiving end, all the time xD

    Isnt tho a pure infj problem, I think infp's suffer from it aswell. Maybe more F's ?!
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    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lenian View Post
    Carefully think through the details. (Don't jump to conclusions). Comb through what happens and THEN judge. Don't play nice it's disingenuous. Unless you are all like that always, which, from what you write you haven't been after the event.

    So if you decide and give them an answer 'on the spot', I suggest leaving them with something like "Let me get back to you"..or "I'm going to have to get back to you later."

    Afterward, do your careful sorting out of details. Then you'll have a better idea how to weigh your feelings and judgement of the event that happened.

    And hey, if you really find you are completely disgusted with them after your judgement, you can choose to not get back to them at all! Hahaha
    Good advice. I don't want to be disingenuous. In the case I cited, for instance, I received news that this friend had done something extremely unwise which I kind of suspected was coming but she hadn't been honest with me about it and had in fact been somewhat dishonest with me and others. She'd also asked me for some practical help surrounding the situation but hadn't come clean about what was really going on. In her email she sounded remorseful. So I felt "I need to be supportive right now" - she is quite fragile. But the problem was, I just dashed off the supportive email quickly and later there was other stuff to deal with. Not that I exploded big-time or whatever. But there have been a few occasions where I've seemed ok about something and later exploded big-time and that really wasn't pretty.

    I think I just need to take more time to sort through my reactions. Though honestly, that's easier when it's an email shock than when it's a face to face shock...


    Quote Originally Posted by entropie View Post
    Haha, great thread, I only read the title and knew

    Receiving end, all the time xD

    Isnt tho a pure infj problem, I think infp's suffer from it aswell. Maybe more F's ?!
    Haha. Receiving end all the time? Care to share examples?

    Maybe not just INFJs, probably INFPs too. But I have heard we are the worst culprits.
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    Senior Member Chloe's Avatar
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    I ve been on the receiving end of this its very sweet and charming. i was lucky that feelings were positive, probably will hate it when he delays his negative feelings lol.
    Bu i had the same exp with ISTJ ex-bf :/

    Its so silly when i hear all the time from my INFJ "you were right 4 months ago..." something about his feelings twds someone/something. I knew right away what he knows now haha!

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    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    Maybe it's an IxxJ thing. Wouldn't be surprised.

    It would actually be easier for everyone involved if I had the negative feelings right away...and then later said "oh, you know what, it wasn't that bad. Sorry I overreacted at first." That very seldom happens to me.

    Honestly, these types of situations haven't arisen a lot for me. At least not in such a way that it would cause damage to my relations with others. But when that has arisen, it can be pretty difficult to deal with or even explain without making me sound totally insane!
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    resonance entropie's Avatar
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    Well it's always like this: they listen to you all the time and comment on nothing you say, share nothing of themselves. You demand several times for an emotional reaction or a statement but there comes nothing. Then you get out the heavy artillery and try to fire behind the blockade. This works for a time gently but then it becomes nasty and at some point you land the critical hit. Then either immediantly you look into the eyes of a fury, raining mthunderstorms onto you or days later when you have all forgotten about the event.

    I am glad I am not one of the most demanding for an emotional reaction types out there no more. Obliviousness has gotten the better of me, because I've accepted that I am a jerk they just wont talk to. But we aint all shephards, I on the contrary do become a heavy artillery tank fury in an instant, but cool down within the next 5 seconds. Yet the erruption happening without an incubation time can be surprising and devastating.

    It's a complicated life, no matter how you do it, it's always the wrong way
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    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    Maybe it's an IxxJ thing. Wouldn't be surprised.

    It would actually be easier for everyone involved if I had the negative feelings right away...and then later said "oh, you know what, it wasn't that bad. Sorry I overreacted at first." That very seldom happens to me.
    Actually, if you look at it in a different light, it could be a type of strength that you use. Since you know that you've got a bit of time from when the emotional bomb is discovered, and when it detonates, you should be able to distance yourself from others while you work through the backdraft in private. Think of it as a type of EOD. You're making sure no one gets hurt (well, other than you, unfortunately...) by your emotions. Then, when you've worked through them, you can usually salvage/continue the relationship in question without too many ill effects.
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  9. #9
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Engineer View Post
    Actually, if you look at it in a different light, it could be a type of strength that you use. Since you know that you've got a bit of time from when the emotional bomb is discovered, and when it detonates, you should be able to distance yourself from others while you work through the backdraft in private. Think of it as a type of EOD. You're making sure no one gets hurt (well, other than you, unfortunately...) by your emotions. Then, when you've worked through them, you can usually salvage/continue the relationship in question without too many ill effects.
    True. Thing is, if the situation is serious enough and I am upset enough, I'll probably need to disclose those feelings to the person responsible at some point, or it will stay bottled up and get worse. Working it through on my own only works up to a point. But I guess the delayed reaction could give me more time to figure out how to expres myself in a reasonable way.
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    Protocol Droid Athenian200's Avatar
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    Sometimes I have a delayed reaction of several minutes, but never several hours.

    If I get hurt by something, I usually do go off immediately. And then end up apologizing... because the anger tends not to last very long. I do sometimes hold grudges if I believe the hurt was intentional, though often the person doesn't know I'm holding a grudge, because I'm just avoiding them but still being nice.

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