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  1. #21
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by mochajava View Post
    There's absolutely nothing wrong with the long processing time, you're so right about that.

    Reading over your last post though, I wonder about closure. I mean, I always want it badly, but it's rarely ever possible. What do you think? Do you need it to move on? Does it speed up the time line? How much does this relate to personality type if at all?
    No, there's nothing wrong with the long processing time...but it can be so difficult to deal with!

    There was one situation where I didn't get closure for three years. When I got it finally, I moved on completely. (Before that, I was having recurring dreams about the person, at least once every few months...) I have a feeling I would have moved on completely eventually...because I have later faced worse emotional situations, and eventually I moved on completely. But it took a horrifically long time. Years and years. Not that it was consuming every day and every hour for all that time, but it was always around, always troubling me on some level. Sometimes all I need is a chance to talk things over with the person, a simple acknowledgement from them that they hurt me and an apology, then I'm completely over it. But no, obviously, you can't always get even that...often you can't even get that. It just makes everything way longer and more difficult and maybe there will always be a tiny part of you that's not really over it. At least, that's my take on it.

    I would tend to think this is a very INFJ reaction (unfortunately!). Not that I'm saying you could never find it in other types. I think it's possible for any type to take a long time to get over things, or to keep thinking of more things to be upset about, or whatever. But with our tendency to overthink things, and to internalize things, and a J desire for closure - yeah, it seems very INFJ.
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  2. #22
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    Closure does wonders for me getting over things more quickly, but I rarely can count on it happening. I think the end of a romantic relationship doesn't bother me so much as having a bunch of loose ends that have never been dealt with or strange unanswered questions. Without closure, it takes me a lot more time to process things because there are so many possibilities for why a person acted as they did and no way to definitively know or have some insight into their thinking. It takes awhile for me to just give up and really accept that I never will know. Even if my life isn't ruined every day by the thing that is left without closure, it does niggle away at my subconscious (shows up in dreams) and pops into my conscious thought from time to time as well, lessening as more time passes.

  3. #23
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    Closure does wonders for me getting over things more quickly, but I rarely can count on it happening. I think the end of a romantic relationship doesn't bother me so much as having a bunch of loose ends that have never been dealt with or strange unanswered questions. Without closure, it takes me a lot more time to process things because there are so many possibilities for why a person acted as they did and no way to definitively know or have some insight into their thinking. It takes awhile for me to just give up and really accept that I never will know. Even if my life isn't ruined every day by the thing that is left without closure, it does niggle away at my subconscious (shows up in dreams) and pops into my conscious thought from time to time as well, lessening as more time passes.


    The dream thing can be frightening! I find it particularly so when you really, really think that the unfinished business is pretty much finished. You've done with this person/situation, it's behind you or 99%, you've moved on. Then you dream about them, and especially in some way that clearly, clearly shows you want closure. I find that truly alarming. It's maybe just as well that I don't remember my dreams as much as used to, say when I was 20 - that was when I had recurring dreams about someone I had unfinished business with, for years!
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  4. #24
    Senior Member Soar337's Avatar
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    I get this too.................................

  5. #25
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    Ah yes, I've observed this.

    e.g. A couple of years ago, a close INFJ pal suspected that her fiance was cheating on her. She had a hunch that something was off and she sat him down one day and told him "I know everything. I know everything but I want to hear it from you". Dude then spent the next three hours apologising and telling her, in detail, about his affair with another woman who was now carrying his child. She listened with that unique brand of INFJ calm (she was in shock on the inside) and then told him to clear off for two weeks while she thought things over. Those two weeks is when she sorted through her feelings and decided what to do (doorslam him).

  6. #26

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    I tend to do this myself in really hot situations. I'll often think through the situation and timing and come back to it. I think the reasoning is I don't want to get trapped in my own emotional reaction. It is better to back off and think and look for the best angle. I don't always do it, but it works best.

    It sounds like people were saying it as if it was a weakness. I see it as a strength.

  7. #27
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    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    I would tend to think this is a very INFJ reaction (unfortunately!). Not that I'm saying you could never find it in other types. I think it's possible for any type to take a long time to get over things, or to keep thinking of more things to be upset about, or whatever. But with our tendency to overthink things, and to internalize things, and a J desire for closure - yeah, it seems very INFJ.
    Don't worry, it's probably just the Pi with a Je need to settle the external environment to allow internal certainty. It happens to me surprisingly frequently.

  8. #28
    4x9 cascadeco's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by InvisibleJim View Post
    Don't worry, it's probably just the Pi with a Je need to settle the external environment to allow internal certainty. It happens to me surprisingly frequently.
    Yes, I agree... I think all IxxJ types would be especially susceptible to this. I find IJ/IP/EJ/EP categories really similar when it comes to certain things - moreso than the NF/NT/etc etc.
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  9. #29
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cascadeco View Post
    Yes, I agree... I think all IxxJ types would be especially susceptible to this. I find IJ/IP/EJ/EP categories really similar when it comes to certain things - moreso than the NF/NT/etc etc.
    Me too! In fact - although obviously this is controversial/subject to debate/a subject for another thread - the phrase "IxxJ is IxxJ and ExxP is ExxP, and never the twain shall meet" has gone through my head on more than one occasion.
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  10. #30
    Certified Sausage Smoker Elfboy's Avatar
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    it's not just ticking time bomb responses that are delayed, pretty much everything INFJs say is delayed. I find talking to my dad almost impossible for this reason. Ne is like "boom boom boom! connection! idea! connection!" while Ni + Fe is like "hmmm........ (12 hours - several years later) AHHHHH!!!!!", and then it expects you to wait patiently for those 12 hours while they formulate a response. I suppose it's unfair of me to single out INFJs though. one of the reasons I stay on forums so much is because I get so annoyed with people's perpetual inability to communicate in real time. I mean, there is a time for pauses and rushed responses are something to be avoided, but somewhere in the middle is where good conversation lies. is this expecting too much of people or am I just not around people who are conversationally adept?

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