User Tag List

First 1234 Last

Results 11 to 20 of 50

  1. #11
    Dependable Skeleton Engineer's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    MBTI
    INTJ
    Enneagram
    6w5 sx/sp
    Socionics
    INTj
    Posts
    626

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    True. Thing is, if the situation is serious enough and I am upset enough, I'll probably need to disclose those feelings to the person responsible at some point, or it will stay bottled up and get worse. Working it through on my own only works up to a point. But I guess the delayed reaction could give me more time to figure out how to expres myself in a reasonable way.
    I have a very close INFJ friend who works the same way, and often times he'll rely on me as a vent for his outburst. Try finding someone close to you that you know you can implicitly trust and attempt to talk through the situation and work out your feelings. Speaking from experience, that usually helps bring the hurt, frustration, and anger down to reasonably-manageable levels when you finally confront the person who upset you. And of course, this is all just free advice. Do with it what you'd like; I despise coming off as commanding or authoritative.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
    Ego Reparate; Ob Me Non Deficiat.
    INTJ - RCOEI - sx/sp/so - Tritype: 683 (6w5-8w9-3w4) - True Neutral
    "Yeah, wisdom always chooses/These black eyes and these bruises"
    "Over the heartache that they say/Never completely goes away..."

  2. #12
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    6w5 sp/sx
    Posts
    3,938

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Engineer View Post
    I have a very close INFJ friend who works the same way, and often times he'll rely on me as a vent for his outburst. Try finding someone close to you that you know you can implicitly trust and attempt to talk through the situation and work out your feelings. Speaking from experience, that usually helps bring the hurt, frustration, and anger down to reasonably-manageable levels when you finally confront the person who upset you. And of course, this is all just free advice. Do with it what you'd like; I despise coming off as commanding or authoritative.
    don't worry, you're not.

    And actually, that WAS kind of how I dealt with the last situation. I vented to another trusted friend who also knew about the situation (and who I knew would have a good understanding of my hurt and frustration over the situation), so I wasn't breaking any confidences or anything like that. That definitely helped, and at least when I dumped some of my feelings on the culprit later, I did it in a fairly tactful way. There have been a few other occasions when I haven't had the opportunity to do anything like that at all, and I think that's when it's become a real problem. Things just simmer, I keep thinking of more and more things to be mad about, and then...!

    EDIT: Haha, actually, the poor person who had to listen to me vent hardly knew what was coming. I mean, I think he knew I felt hurt and betrayed but when I called him up I was like "I am so mad...When I was in Fortnum and Mason's tea department tonight, I WANTED TO KILL EVERYONE." His response: "...oh dear." LOL. Fortunately he is a good friend and not only listened to me vent, but had some practical and helpful advice to give.
    Female
    INFJ
    Enneagram 6w5 sp/sx


    I DOORSLAMMING

  3. #13
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    6w5 sp/sx
    Posts
    3,938

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Athenian200 View Post
    Sometimes I have a delayed reaction of several minutes, but never several hours.

    If I get hurt by something, I usually do go off immediately. And then end up apologizing... because the anger tends not to last very long. I do sometimes hold grudges if I believe the hurt was intentional, though often the person doesn't know I'm holding a grudge, because I'm just avoiding them but still being nice.
    Yeah...I have some grudge-holding issues. Most things I just let go...in fact, I think I let go more than most. But with the things I can't let go (and sometimes there has been a cumulative effect over years), unfortunately I can end up holding a grudge for years, even though I know it's doing me damage.
    Female
    INFJ
    Enneagram 6w5 sp/sx


    I DOORSLAMMING

  4. #14
    Undisciplined Starry's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2010
    Posts
    5,628

    Default

    for what's it's worth Silk Road...I do a version of this too. Mine is not so much being unable to ascertain how I feel about a certain conflict in the moment...but rather that I end up blocking those feelings from myself because I fear conflict so much. So, in other words, I don't stand-up for myself when I should and then feel like a push-over later.

    At least you can reapproach the individual and honestly say...'you know, I apologize...I thought I was okay with [insert issue]...but it brought up this for me...and I'd like to work this through'.

    All I'm left with is...'yah...I was upset all along but totally lied about it because I am a total conflict-chicken s*&%'. My method never works that well.

  5. #15
    Junior Member nexttoimpossible's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Posts
    4

    Default

    I certainly have my initial reactions to anything in a split second, I just like to think about things before making my reaction obvious. Especially if it involves people and/or a relationship. This also means I don't stand up for myself because I'm stuck thinking about it -- I hate this about myself.

    It can take years to process things, even an offhand remark. I don't like my delayed time-bomb effect much, but at least when I finally get mad, I have damn good reason for it and my argument is ironclad (should I ever get around to voicing it).

  6. #16
    Senior Member MonkeyGrass's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    MBTI
    infj
    Enneagram
    7
    Posts
    879

    Default

    I do this, most often with my spouse, since I see him more than anyone else. :OP It was a disaster with some major life decisions, before I realized what I was doing.

    My closest friend is also INFJ, and we have delayed responses to one another quite a bit. The trick for success has been: after processing internally for a while and searching out all the possible implications, I force myself to wait a few days (until my emotional response has chilled a bit), and then mull over how to word it in an open ended and respectful way. This generally works really well. "Hey, the other day, when you said this, is this what you meant? After thinking about it for a while, I feel uncomfortable with XZY, and I'd love to revisit the conversation, if that's good with you." (Luckily for me, she also speaks psychobabble well, so it works)

    Yeah. Process the info, then process your own emotional reaction to the info, then process how to sort through the possible conclusions without jumping to negative conclusions. Don't be afraid to say, "Wow, I need time to think about this before responding. My knee-jerk reaction is just to agree/go along with what you suggested, but part of me wants to mull it over some more."

    People who are worth it will be fine with your doing so.
    I think I think more than you think I think.

  7. #17
    Senior Member mochajava's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Posts
    478

    Default

    nexttoimpossibleIt can take years to process things, even an offhand remark. I don't like my delayed time-bomb effect much, but at least when I finally get mad, I have damn good reason for it and my argument is ironclad (should I ever get around to voicing it).
    So true. Silkroad, when you opened this thread by saying it took you a day or two to process and know your reaction to something, I was downright jealous. To this INFJ, that looks like lightning speed! For me, things take MONTHS. It took me a month to realize I was deeply hurt by something my sister did, and two more months to pinpoint it to the cause!

    So know that you're not alone in delayed processing time, and that yours is actually pretty fast from where I stand.

    I like the advice about negotiating some time for you to process before you react. Sure the friend might be biting her nails for the 24-36 hours before she knows what you think, but at least that scary inconsistency will be gone. Just my $0.02.

  8. #18
    violaine
    Guest

    Default

    I used to have a huge problem with delayed reactions. I tell people I need time to respond now and it seems to help me feel more free to feel what I'm going to sooner. I would regularly feel numb in the moment after a shock, especially if someone is demanding a definitive reaction from me at that moment. And then it would hit me a few days later. Bleh.

    I think it's due to a few factors. I like being composed externally but that is never how I feel inside if something bad has happened. I like harmony and it used to push me to make up quickly, often before I was really ready or it was good for the relationship. (Better with that now). And there are always factors to weigh up before I have my appropriate, reasoned out emotional response, so I automatically repress in the moment. I also usually regret those times I have snapped about something, it makes me feel terrible later so that has discouraged spontaneous emotional reactions.

    I still have a problem if it's the kind of shock that could end a relationship. I might get a six month delay on something like that. :/ Then it hits me and I feel how I feel and nothing is going to change it even if I want it to be different. I think I have only worked through one of those delayed reactions to the benefit of the person I was with.

  9. #19
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    6w5 sp/sx
    Posts
    3,938

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by mochajava View Post
    So true. Silkroad, when you opened this thread by saying it took you a day or two to process and know your reaction to something, I was downright jealous. To this INFJ, that looks like lightning speed! For me, things take MONTHS. It took me a month to realize I was deeply hurt by something my sister did, and two more months to pinpoint it to the cause!

    So know that you're not alone in delayed processing time, and that yours is actually pretty fast from where I stand.

    I like the advice about negotiating some time for you to process before you react. Sure the friend might be biting her nails for the 24-36 hours before she knows what you think, but at least that scary inconsistency will be gone. Just my $0.02.
    Well, now that I think about it, the day or two thing is not necessarily even accurate. I also agree with a lot of what violaine said, and others, about processing for months and especially in terms of an emotional shock. I had a bit of an emotional shock last week and I think things may be coming up for a while relating to it. I've certainly been feeling ill with stress for a few days. and particularly with something like that, I think it can take a long, long time to figure out what your feelings are about the person who caused you the emotional shock...

    I started thinking about how the delayed reaction thing is the gift that keeps giving. And not in a good way. Now that I think about it, there have been a few situations in my life that I have gone on reacting to for years. Not 24/7, obviously. But I can't stop going over it at least occasionally for that long, and when stuff comes up in my mind, it might even be quite different from anything else I've already thought of in connection with that situation.

    In the emotional shock/relationship sort of area, I find also that quite a lot of it can have to do with closure. I guess that goes back to being able to talk it over with the person who caused the shock, or not. Again, there have been a few situations where I went on reacting and reacting and reacting and thinking of different things to be upset over until I was able to talk it out properly with the person. Then the reaction finally drew to a close...

    Well, the consensus in this thread seems to be that there's nothing wrong with saying "I need time to think this over, then I'll get back to you." It sounds good to me. I mean, I can imagine there are some situations where even saying that to the other person might freak them out a bit. but the end result is probably far better in the long run than some sort of delayed nuclear wig-out later.
    Female
    INFJ
    Enneagram 6w5 sp/sx


    I DOORSLAMMING

  10. #20
    Senior Member mochajava's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Posts
    478

    Default

    There's absolutely nothing wrong with the long processing time, you're so right about that.

    Reading over your last post though, I wonder about closure. I mean, I always want it badly, but it's rarely ever possible. What do you think? Do you need it to move on? Does it speed up the time line? How much does this relate to personality type if at all?

Similar Threads

  1. [INFJ] The reason INFJs find it hard to forgive
    By KLessard in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 50
    Last Post: 02-24-2014, 10:51 PM
  2. [INFJ] INFJ's Captivation with Certain Time Frames
    By CuriousFeeling in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 10
    Last Post: 09-30-2012, 10:28 PM
  3. [INFJ] The Empath (INFJ)
    By wedekit in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 48
    Last Post: 08-23-2010, 03:14 PM
  4. [INFJ] INFJs: What makes you tick?
    By brainheart in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 14
    Last Post: 10-17-2009, 06:21 AM
  5. [INFJ] The Rare INFJ INFJ Match
    By catchsouth4 in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 7
    Last Post: 09-16-2009, 12:43 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Single Sign On provided by vBSSO