thank you skylights, your thoughts were very beautiful and comforting. hehehe, I love the idea of exploitation in the name of love ?!?
Two more stories:
My ISTP ex called at lunch. He started talking about his new girlfriend and said "She is acting like a hysterical psychotic nutcase because her stepdad just passed away". This sounds very harsh, especially given he is telling it to his ex wife about his new girlfriend. But I know his intent is good towards her and he is just ranting-and-he isnt asking me to value judge her. My values are not being bent in any way. I treat his comments as Te input and just nod and agree. Can you see how this differs from the MIL situation?
last year I had an ENTP friend lose a job. I was hesitant to say anything at all because I knew that everything I said would be offensive-as can be seen by onemoretime's thoughts. So I sat down very calmly and tried to find my little window of Fe. It is a little place in my head, instead of turning left down the Te path...it is a tiny little trickle of an Fe path. Much of the time it isnt accessible, especially if I am stressed. It is not Fi in any way. It is a different state of mind and to reach it I have to release Te and actually work to get there mentally-like focused meditation. I wanted to be able to do this very much as I cared for my friend and wanted to try and find the right thing to say. Once there I just knew what to say, although it was clumsy. I just knew that certain things were okay and certain things were not okay to say, but not why. There were just "right" and fitting. I automatically asked questions, rather than statements. I automatically changed how I word things. Remembering those few moments, I understand that what you guys are saying is true for you-but different for us.
The rules are not the same but it starts at a deep level.