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  1. #311
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    So true! I wouldn't like someone to sit there and be sympathetic with me, unless I was just raging and needed someone to help me vent it all away. Doing something would convey that they cared!

    It's helpful to know that the opposite is true for you guys. I'm wondering though how one would do that. Do you prefer someone just sitting there quietly with you, being available should you need them, hugging you, what?

  2. #312
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    Show you understand. Acknowledge the feelings. Show that you're *actively* listening. And especially: be ok with me being in disarray emotionally. For that matter, remind me it is *OK* to be this way. That nobody is going to kill me for daring to have a melt down. Once I've calmed down a bit and am done ranting, ask me questions about what exactly happened. It helps me reflect and wrap my brain around it..seeing it from different angles. You become in effect my sounding board. I'm smart enough to figure out what needs doing, I just need someone to trigger that process

    If I'm really distraught and we're close, physical contact takes away that grief and lonely feel like I'm facing the world alone. It says more than words ever could, as does the look of understanding in your eyes. It conveys all the comfort I need at that point.

    Lastly, telling me what to do won't work as it'll feel foreign to me. What works for you won't work for me. It's the highly individual *feeling right* thing. It has to click. It has to be tailored to *me*. You asking questions however, and adding suggestions as to what could perhaps work makes me think about what could feel right
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  3. #313
    4x9 cascadeco's Avatar
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    This thread is seriously confusing to me. Sorry for interjecting again, but... I am definitely an active listener and will let people just BE in their emotions, and I don't think I'd think to try to take action steps until farther down the road if I would realize it wasn't just a temporary venting session and they were actually in need of ideas or help.

    I guess what you just described, Satine.. is what I tend to do when anyone is venting. And I am often uncomfortable offering advice unless, for one, it is asked, and even when asked, I'll always tailor the message and state that what might work for ME might not work for them, because we're different, blah blah... but if I sense based on what they're saying that they're actually seeking feedback/input, or they're asking me questions or whatever, I'll then be more open to offering my own input.
    "...On and on and on and on he strode, far out over the sands, singing wildly to the sea, crying to greet the advent of the life that had cried to him." - James Joyce

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  4. #314
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    And that's why often NFJs and NFPs do get along and feel comforted by one another. It's when one's distraught about something you find hard to understand that the differences arise
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  5. #315
    4x9 cascadeco's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Satine View Post
    And that's why often NFJs and NFPs do get along and feel comforted by one another. It's when one's distraught about something you find hard to understand that the differences arise
    Well... yeah. That makes sense.
    "...On and on and on and on he strode, far out over the sands, singing wildly to the sea, crying to greet the advent of the life that had cried to him." - James Joyce

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  6. #316
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    When you invalidate anothers reason for being distraught or mistakenly misinterpret the cause of their pain, you fail to connect...and make them feel understood and ultimately, comforted
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  7. #317
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    A rep I received just raised an interesting question.

    To me, no feeling is ever 'suspect'. Feelings just are. They're not good or bad, they're not evil or hazardous, at least not in my book. You cannot stop yourself from feeling. Questioning my feelings therefore feels incredibly unfair as it feels like being questioned for my motivations to allow such feelings at all. If I'm sharing them with you, it means I'm being honest with you. To the best of my ability. It might not be rational, it might not be beneficial and it might even be hazardous if I were to act on them, but they are there. I also have learned to appreciate 'negative feelings' such as hate, jealousy, envy and all the others for what they are. They are necessary, adn they have their incredibly useful moments, if only to make you realize stuff that you'd otherwise ignore as life distracts you.

    Do Fe-users categorize feelings in terms of 'hazardous', 'evil', 'must be killed', 'must be avoided', 'must be nurtured' etc? Coz those labels are incredibly confusing to me and can make me feel incredibly guilty for even having the feelings that carry certain labels.
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  8. #318
    4x9 cascadeco's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Satine View Post
    Do Fe-users categorize feelings in terms of 'hazardous', 'evil', 'must be killed', 'must be avoided', 'must be nurtured' etc? Coz those labels are incredibly confusing to me and can make me feel incredibly guilty for even having the feelings that carry certain labels.
    For me it's just that I might think someone is maybe... premature in their feelings... tied to not having all of the information or something. Not that any type of feeling is 'bad' or to be obliterated, but rather is the feeling something that can be understood in the context of the situation that's causing it. The whole 'is it justified' phrase that several have thrown around. I realize though that this concept doesn't even make sense to many peoples' way of looking at things.

    So again, it's not that I think certain feelings are Bad in and of themselves, or Bad across the board, but for me at least, what I *would* question or want to figure out more about is the situation itself - the situation that has led to the feelings. That's perhaps where my asking questions to learn more about what's going on could easily be non-affirming - so your previous couple of posts kinda connected the dots for me w/ regards to some of the confusion I was having.
    "...On and on and on and on he strode, far out over the sands, singing wildly to the sea, crying to greet the advent of the life that had cried to him." - James Joyce

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  9. #319
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    Interesting. Unless the person is about to do something incredibly stupid by acting upon those feelings, to me it doesn't occur to ask if they're justified. They are to them, period. And I will first see them through those emotions before I start tackling whether to act upon them and in what way.

    Edit: for that matter...does that mean that what O did in the op, which is try and offer suggestions for the the behavior of the ISFP to the frustrated ISTP work for you guys then? Does it provide that context for those feelings? Is that what you need? Or do you first need time and space to vent those emotions before you're open to, much like we often need to have our feelings acknowledged before we're open to solutions?
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  10. #320
    4x9 cascadeco's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Satine View Post
    Interesting. Unless the person is about to do something incredibly stupid by acting upon those feelings, to me it doesn't occur to ask if they're justified. They are to them, period. And I will first see them through those emotions before I start tackling whether to act upon them and in what way.
    Oh.. well, to be clear the 'is it justified' piece stays in my head... I just might ask questions to learn more about why they're feeling what they're feeling, and it's the question-asking itself that might not be what's desired.
    "...On and on and on and on he strode, far out over the sands, singing wildly to the sea, crying to greet the advent of the life that had cried to him." - James Joyce

    My Photography and Watercolor Fine Art Prints!!! Cascade Colors Fine Art Prints
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