I have diligently read every post in this thread, and I have discovered that my head hurts more with the reading of each subsequent post. Nonetheless, this headache is not a sufficient deterrent to me throwing in my own 10 cents. I found the interesting questions raised by this thread are:
- When is it OK to complain about another person to a third party?
- What does the act of complaining say about the complainer?
- What can we learn about the third party from the complaint?
The Fi/Te users and Fe/Ti users on this thread seemed to have very different answers to these questions... which is about what I would have expected... 16 pages ago.
This Fi/Te User's Perspective
I noticed that many of the Fi/Te users were offended by the ISTP's (the "complainer" in the OP) overall approach. OK, this I understand. I found the ISTP's ranting to be offensive, too. But then again, I'm an Fi/Te user. Perhaps if I listed why I think Fi/Te users reacted in the way that many of them did, this would help shed some light on how Fe/Ti and Fi/Te clashed on this occasion.
Complainer's Behavior Lacked Congruity with Her Feelings:
Fi Likes Authenticity and Truthiness
If my Fi/Te driven opinion is at all representative of other Fi/Te users, I found it DEEPLY offensive that the complainer would act one way around the subject of her complaints and another way in her absence. This incongruity in her behavior felt disingenuous at best and backstabbing and unnecessarily cruel at worst.
Not All Fi Values are Created Equal:
What Is the Most Important Value in this Situation?
It didn't really matter to me whether or not the person being complained about was guilty of all the things of which she had been accused. <- That is a separate question, and for this Fi/Te user was not my first concern. In fact, I was quite bored as I read post after post debating whether or not the subject of the complaints had really done the things of which she was accused. It felt to me like these arguments were missing the most pressing point. What seemed of primary importance to me was that the complainer was morally in the wrong to publicly talk about the object of her complaints to Orobas. Only after this point is agreed upon, then would I begin to sort through the veracity of the complainer's statements.
Taking Her Word for It (Fe Objective Truth)
vs. Figuring the Truth Out on My Own (Fi Subjective Truth)
With a Pinch of Te Logic Thrown In
Secondly, I found it DEEPLY offensive that the complainer's conclusions were so one-dimensional and that their accuracy was presented as self-evident. There seemed to be an implicit assumption that the listener (in this case Orobas) would automatically agree with and support the complainer. And I do think that it sounded like this sort of blind support was what the complainer was seeking. <- Yuck!
Even if the complainer needed to vent to a member of her innermost circle (which might include Orobas), there can be no more fundamental way to show respect to another person than to judge them not based on another person's opinion, but based upon my own interactions with that person. This really rubbed my Fi the wrong way.
Do I know the Truth (with a capital T) about the subject of her complaints? Absolutely not. Did she neglect the children? Was she ungrateful about the help she received? Maybe yes. Maybe no. But, I felt deeply resentful that the complainer would assume that I would just take her word for it. My judgment of right and wrong is a deeply personal experience for me that I take very seriously. Would the complainer have me just take her word for it? The answer is probably yes, but here again we see the differences between Fi/Te and Fe/Ti.
And, my Te was also bothered by the fact that the conclusions didn't seem to jive with all the facts. There was obviously more going on here than as things were first presented. It seemed to me that the complainer had some sort of agenda that was causing her to emphasize certain facts and overlook others. These "logical fallacies" were quite bothersome to me.
How Would I Have Preferred The Complainer to Vent to Me?
My Fi would far have preferred a dialogue with the complainer in which she gave me the facts in an as objective manner as possible. This would have been our starting point of figuring out what was right and wrong together. My Fi would have loved the chance to explore all the subtle moral issues at play. And, my Te would have loved the opportunity to build a solid logical conclusion based on the facts and a complete picture of the situation.
Fe/Ti User Perspective
This post is already too long, so let me just say that a lot of the controversy on this thread seems to have to do with Fe/Ti versus Fi/Te differences in deciding what to focus one's attention on and stylistic differences in how to deliver/receive criticism.
For example, I observed that many of the Fe/Ti users were deeply concerned about whether or not the complaints were representative of the problem at hand. A lot of these posts talked about things like what exactly was child neglect?
Is either way right or wrong? No. But each approach has different strengths and weaknesses. Remembering this, my take away from this thread has been to choose to see these differences as complementary rather than adversarial. In other words, I'm trying to work past my initial distaste and see the strengths of the differing Fe/Ti approach.
Orobas, I hope this helps!