[ENFJ] ENFJ bluntness?

[Lily flower]

This is not in reference to my SO, but another ENFJ who is my friend. He is usually encouraging, and interesting to talk to, but then every once and a while he will say something that is really blunt, and in my opinion rude. Usually it has to do with some area I am interested in, and he will say something really dismissive. Or if we have a difference of opinion, he will state his, like it is the only opinion in the whole world and everyone who thinks otherwise is stupid.

Do other ENFJ's do this? Should I point out that he is being dismissive or just ignore it?

 

[skylights]

i know an ENFJ who also does this occasionally. not often, but enough that i've noticed. i find that usually it's when he's not good at whatever i am talking about, or disapproves of it in some way. i used to get pissed about it (sometimes still do), but eventually i just pointed it out, and now it's kind of a joke between us. he knows when he's doing it but i don't think he previously realized that it actually hurt me internally... i think in his mind it's just more him deciding something isn't important and i shouldn't be affected by that. i dunno. usually i'll defend my opinion/stance/like because i want him to at least see why, and not just blow it off.

i wish i had something more helpful to say but i thought i'd mention this anyway

 

[Arclight]

I am Blunt.. It's probably my downfall.. I believe people when they say the truth is important to them, and it normally is.. until it's a truth about them.
Then the rules change.
In person I think I am much less blunt than online.. and people who know both sides of me agree, that I can come across as rather to the point,and blunt online.

I am also very dismissive if I think a central point is being ignored, I have hard time listening to someone go on, if they refuse to listen to what's important to me. I try to be fair and at least meet people half way.
But If I feel there is no attempt to bridge the gap. I dismiss everything that is thrown at me until the compromise is ready to be met.. once the compromise is met am I ready to listen to changing the value form 50/50 to either direction .. The truth is the most importnat thing. Even if it hurts

 

[chocolatethundaa]

Im not sure of ENFJ's but I know that im horrifically blunt sometimes and it hurts a lot of people who i could never imagine hurting purposefully

 

[Elfboy]

FJ bluntness sounds like an oximoron to me. lol anyway, I guess I wish people were more blunt. it just makes it a bigger deal when people try to be all emotional with things.

 

[Glycerine]

I can be really blunt esp. when I don't think it's personally (or directly) related to anyone or we are just talking about ideas (I know how to distance a person from their ideas so I am usually just criticizing the idea and not the person). Also, if I don't see a really negative consequence, I will say whatever the heck I want. It's ironic though that when I am being blunt, people generalize what I say to everything else. I have to say that I perceive ENFPs to be consistently more blunt than I am. Oh about the "dismissing" thing, I tend to do that when I am tired or annoyed. However, I usually listen to people even if I completely think they are in the wrong. I can see other perspectives quite easily even if I am morally opposed.

 

[username666]

Tbh, EnfP types are way better at telling it like it is. Ne notices something and can't help but show it to everyone, they have to point out the elephant in the room, ESFP's even more so.

Enfj types usually will have Fe stopping them from expressing the truth being afraid its something that might hurt the person, or to them it seems like an attack, and then they feel bad they said it.

 

[Domino]

I have experienced this with my ENFJ male friend. I guess I chalked it up to NFJ senso-tardness.

 

[Glycerine]

Something like "were you dropped on your head?" (in all seriousness). It was asked by a male ENFJ. I have never quite been that bad w/ bluntness. lol

 

[Glycerine]

I think JoSunshine's post in the "What Types Make You Shut Down" directly relates to the ENFJ bluntness:

I do know for a fact that some people very uncomfortable. I am very direct and ask penetrating questions. Sometimes I will preface it with, "You don't have to answer this if it makes you uncomfortable..." but other times, I don't realize I have gone too far until I see people's reactions. I think things that seem benign to me (questions about people's emotions, ideals and motives) feel very personal or is something that the other person doesn't want to think about and sometime I think they may feel judged by me. I might say something like, "You think that X person doesn't like you anymore, so you are withdrawing. But aren't you creating the exact situation you fear? Being abandoned by X person? Why are you afraid to talk to them about the situation?" Things like this are waaaaaaay too much for some people. I sincerely don't mean anything negative by it. There are no underlying judgments. I'm just asking questions about something that seems apparent to me. But the other person just want to say, "X person is being a jerk." and move on. I get that...sometime it just takes a bit to figure out other people's limits.

 

[Arclight]

But other times, I don't realize I have gone too far until I see people's reactions. I think things that seem benign to me (questions about people's emotions, ideals and motives) feel very personal or is something that the other person doesn't want to think about and sometime I think they may feel judged by me.

Yeah!! This is spot on..

Something very similar happened last week at work.

There is a girl who works there who is very friendly and attention hungry, to the point of interrupting other people's conversations.
She often interrupts "guy talk" with statements like .."You guys are so gross"
Last week she walked in on me and another guy right when I was answering one of his questions about sexual relationships.
She made some comment., I still don't remember what I was talking about, her interruption broke my train of thought, and I responded
By saying.. "But you don't even like sex".
I said this in the same way I would answer someone who interrupted a conversation about Hockey and was obviously not fan.

Of course someones sexuality is a bit more touchy.

She didn't deny it.. But became very upset that I actually knew this about her.
She would not accept my answer of "I just know"
And at one point actually accused me of somehow reading her diary.
She cried the rest of the night and wont even look at me now.

She did not at all enjoy the idea that I could see her secret.
I was a bloody idiot for speaking before thinking..

 

[Sparrow]

When people ask for my opinion I tell them how I really feel....and they dont always like my answer. Why ask me then?! lol.

 

[Tricksie]

I'm honest, but never hurtful. I tend to be able to express things in ways that take care of people's feelings, at the same time that I'm not hiding my own opinions.

So, nope, not all ENFJs are blunt. I don't think anyone would say that about me.

 

[Arclight]

I'm honest, but never hurtful. I tend to be able to express things in ways that take care of people's feelings, at the same time that I'm not hiding my own opinions.

So, nope, not all ENFJs are blunt. I don't think anyone would say that about me.

That is a very useful gift..I can say the right thing 99% of time normally... until I have to say to someone close to me, that they broke some kind of agreement we made.
No matter what I do or say then It seems I can't be both honest and take care of their feelings ,,

So what's your secret?

 

[Qre:us]

An anecdote comes to mind between my ENFJ best friend and an ESFP friend.

We, including the ENFJ, were all waiting in line to get into a club. And, we see the ESFP friend approaching, as she came later with another group. She was obviously sashaying as she walked towards us, lips puckered, model-catwalk on. She isn't like that normally, but, because of the audience [the line-up at the club, with gaggles of boys], she put on the act.

ENFJ friend from the end of the line, shouting to approaching ESFP friend: Why does your face look like that? Are you constipated?

ESFP, in an instant, drops the act, thoroughly embarrassed, as she scurries/runs towards us, trying to now be, unnoticed.

LMFAO!

 

[JoSunshine]

I would totally do something like that^. I do have a tenancy to call people out when I feel like they are putting on an act...usually I call them out with humor.

I'm also known to say to people who frequently interrupt, "I'm speaking." For some reason this always elicits chuckles in a group...I'm not sure why other than because it is so blunt.

 

[skylights]

^ i can TOTALLY see my ENFJ bff doing that.

probably the group also chuckles because they are appreciative that you have the balls to point it out... like, that's why it comes out as a nervous-positive chuckle instead of a "wtf" reaction.

 

[JoSunshine]

You're probably right, because I usually to get a surprised (but not offended) vibe as well.

 

[Vasilisa]

So interesting to read this thread. My initial reaction upon reading the OP was that when I see my ENFJ friend show bluntness, or maybe caustic viewpoint is a better description, it is nearly always with humor as a conduit. Then some other posts said pretty much the same thing. He is a very considerate person, likes for people to get along, and enjoys contributing to a positive atmosphere. His humor is one of his charming qualities that makes people enjoy his presence and flock to him. But if you know him well, and he feels comfortable, or is in some certain circumstance, his biting commentary about other people or his acerbic take on things can take you by surprise. No doubt, he can offer up some withering disdain of somebody's perceived ignorance, and not show a sign of it towards them (if thats his prerogative). Yet it manages not to overtake or corrode him, he remains a good person and a true idealist. The only thing it made me question was what might he be saying about me.

 

[Lily flower]

The only thing it made me question was what might he be saying about me.

Yeah...I don't mind when he's blunt with other people...I usually think it is funny. Not so funny when it is pointed at me, though.