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  1. #1
    Junior Member jazzylas's Avatar
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    Question Dilemma with an ENFP..

    Hey all INFJ lady here with a dilemma and was hoping you could help me

    So i've been close friends with an ENFP guy for over a year now and recently he confessed to having strong feelings for me (not love) but i don't feel the same, i simply see him as a friend and was honest to him about that. But it's like he's taking no for answer and it's frustrating because when it comes to my emotions i'm very sure of them and i highly doubt they'll change(i told this to him too). My dilemma is how can i get it through to him without messing up our friendship? I really value him as a friend but it's beginning to tire me out .

    Also this actually has more to do with how ENFP's deal with romantic attraction, so any insight into that would be helpful too.
    Last edited by jazzylas; 01-25-2011 at 11:02 PM. Reason: To make things clearer.

  2. #2
    `~~Philosoflying~~` SillySapienne's Avatar
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    Ouch, this situation sucks.

    He likes you, you don't return his romantic feelings, this isn't even type related.

    Consider the friendship, at the very least, temporarily terminated, sorry hon.

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  3. #3
    Undisciplined Starry's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jazzylas View Post
    Hey all INFJ lady here with a dilemma and was hoping you could help me

    So i've been close friends with an ENFP guy for over a year now and recently he confessed to having strong feelings for me (not love) but i don't feel the same, i simply see him as a friend and was honest to him about that. But it's like he's taking no for answer and it's frustrating because when it comes to my emotions i'm very sure of them and i highly doubt they'll change(i told this to him too). My dilemma is how can i get it through to him without messing up our friendship? I really value him as a friend but it's beginning to tire me out .

    Also this actually has more to do with how ENFP's deal with romantic attraction, so any insight into that would be helpful too.
    Hello jazzylas. I feel compelled to respond to this but at the same time I am not quite sure how. It is difficult for me to ascertain from what you have written whether you are...and I mean absolutely no offense here...over-reacting a little bit because you are unhappy with regards to how the dynamics in your relationship have (temporarily) altered...or if your ENFP is truly crossing the line. Because if your ENFP is truly crossing the line (after you have made very clear where that boundary is)...then the answer is easy. This person is being very disrespectful and does not belong in your life.

    Nevertheless, you are here seeking input.

    What do you mean that he is not 'taking no for an answer'? Because here I agree with Silly that this has nothing to do with type. Your 'dilemma' is not an 'ENFP dilemma'. It is a 'dilemma' that is as old as time...and has happened to more couples of all types - throughout history - than any of us can phathom. It is true that the ENFP can become a little over-zealous and devoted to a certain possibility...as in the possibility of the two of you having a romantic relationship. But if you truly value this friendship then you just have to give him some gentle-reminders here and there and eventually it will click for him and soon he will be off in a new direction towards a new possibility. This to me does not seem like all that terrible of a task for someone you value and want to have in your life.

  4. #4
    i love skylights's Avatar
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    yeah, kinda depends on how you mean not taking no for an answer. if we're talking about physically pushing himself on you, that's no good regardless of type.

    if you mean him just really hoping you might change your mind, then yeah, ENFPs have trouble blocking out possibility. finding potential within people and bringing it to life is essentially what we're wired to do... we can see how it could work, so it's hard to understand why the other person seems to be resistant. like starryknights said, you're just gonna have to cut him a little slack and push him gently in the direction of some other possibilities.

    it might be ideal to withdraw from the friendship a bit for a little while until he finds a new direction.

  5. #5
    mod love baby... Lady_X's Avatar
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    enfps might kind of have this thing where they think they can just pick people and you're not following the rules here!! no really...it's all based on tuition and the vibes he's feeling he must have thought were mutual...he's got it all sorted out in his head and he thinks you're just not seeing it clearly yet...so perhaps just explain to him that although you love being friends with him you're just not interested in a relationship...you might even light heartedly joke about why...keep it friendly but just let him know that you "see" it your own way too.
    There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first.
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  6. #6
    Undisciplined Starry's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lady X View Post
    enfps might kind of have this thing where they think they can just pick people and you're not following the rules here!! no really...it's all based on tuition and the vibes he's feeling he must have thought were mutual...he's got it all sorted out in his head and he thinks you're just not seeing it clearly yet...so perhaps just explain to him that although you love being friends with him you're just not interested in a relationship...you might even light heartedly joke about why...keep it friendly but just let him know that you "see" it your own way too.
    Totally X. This is why I love you. And while I love what Silly & skylights said...I actually think withdrawing from him during this time will prolong the 'dilemma'.

    In other words...if this is truly just a harmless but a little gaga ENFP...then I think it would be best for her to do what you describe above. Cutting an ENFP off when they are in that 'possiblity mode' can kinda backfire as they can become trapped there for a little while...or at least I have seen this happen with other ENFPs in my life. They need to be able to see it...live it...experience the fact that it ain't going to happen. Using humor as a means to be direct...is a great way to take something out of that 'possibility mode' and make it real for them.

  7. #7
    mod love baby... Lady_X's Avatar
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    yeah i think we need to see what they see...she needs to say...oh it would never work you're such a drama queen that i'd end up killing you...or you talk too fucking much and as your friend i can just say stfu but as your gf you'd get all mad at me...or you need this and want that and thats just not me babe...haha...something like that i think.
    There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first.
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  8. #8
    i love skylights's Avatar
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    yeah that's a really good point starry. definitely do not cut off, i just meant maybe back away a little bit if you're together every day, otherwise the signals could be conflicting (ie i spend all my time with you but "don't want to be together", that's hard to figure out). but yeah totally cutting off might leave a weird void for the ENFP to fill with idealization of you guys together.

    and totally agree with what lady x said too.

    agreed that direct humor is an excellent idea!!

    that Ni wisdom on why the relationship won't work is really useful too.

  9. #9
    Senior Member animenagai's Avatar
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    Sorry, brings back memories

    The ENFP probably realises that you're not interested, that's not the problem here. The problem is that he sees the possibility of being together - one that is filled with all the rainbows and unicorns in all of dream land and thinks it's worth the risk. What can I say, convince him that you're not a great match gently?
    Chimera of Filth

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