[INFJ] head over heels for an INFJ

[chocolatethundaa]

Hey guys im an ENFP male and I got to know this INFJ girl over a year a go (though I knew her much sooner). After about 3 weeks (short time i guess) of talking I was really looking for a relationship with her, and being an ENFP made this unquestionably obvious.
Since then her and I have had a REALLY odd friendship which involves an absolute heap of deep discussion and ranting but its, for me at least painfully hard to follow. At some times we where staring into each-others eyes (she has the most beautiful eyes) for hours and behaving as a fully fledged couple discussing where we would live, what pets we would own, how many kids etc etc. Then at other times we would go for weeks without talking and she would seem highly frustrated and angry with me.
These down times cause me excessive amounts of emotional pain as I continually contemplate triggers and the possibility of the friendship ending. Sometimes I can even become deeply depressed or even suicidal.
My heart tells my this girl is who I want to be with but I just dont know what I can do to solve the problems that are present.

I thought this might be the best place to ask what I could be doing wrong and what I could do better.

 

[1.000.000]

Generic advice first. If you're that upset when she's not talking to you then you really need to spend some time working yourself out so you don't get that way before you even think about going any further with this girl. You don't really sound as much in love with this girl as much as you sound obsessed. That's not healthy at all especially with you not knowing where you're at with her. Half of your post reads like you're gonna run off and get married while the other makes me think this is just a high school crush. It's really hard to tell where you two are at, which leads me to my second piece of advice. Have you tried just asking her about it? You'll probably get a lot further from that than any advice some random strangers give you on a forum. Also, do you try talking to her during the off periods? She's probably just busy, not ignoring you, and your clingyness is what's making it seem like ignoring.

Okay, now that that's out of the way, here's my take on it as an INFJ. I'm kinda young compared to some of the others on this forum, so "adult" relationships with kids and pets and all are a bit beyond my experience. I don't think I'd ever talk/joke about that stuff though with someone I didn't want to date though. Hell, I can't even see myself doing that unless I was in a solid relationship with someone. INFJs tend to be a bit serious about our relationships. My gut's telling me you're alright with her if you just chill out a bit. Going back to the asking her bit, I've been asked about my relationships with people before. While it's a bit awkward having to say what's on my mind, I always try to give an honest answer, and I'm sure she'll do the same.

All in all though, chilling out and getting your priorities straight will get rid of ~99% of the anxiety I'm reading here. You shouldn't be getting suicidal over someone not talking to you no matter who it is. She's probably just busy with life and all and got caught up in the flow of it. Give her the benefit of the doubt and go out and make some stories so you have something to share when she's not busy. Best of luck with you and her

P.S. It's a beautiful world out there. Stop staring into her eyes and instead stare at it with her

 

[chocolatethundaa]

Thanks a tonne for your response 1.000.000 I really value your input and love a lot of the things you mentioned.
You make a seriously valid point about the obsession etc. In fact I've often been angry at myself on those same accusations and in the past they where almost certainly valid but i've come through that with personal growth and a better understanding of who I am.
As of the suicidal thoughts and depression they where present from before any of this had even began and are triggered by lots of different occurrences pilling up to blow out the top, (sorry I didn't really word that correctly in the original post).
To clarify, as an INFJ you would advise me to back off a little and lose a lot of that intensity as that might seem stifling and obsessive to you?
(PS your ps was amazing, thanks)

anyone else got a say? please?

 

[Lily flower]

INFJ's naturally withdraw at times, so if you want to be with her you may have to get used to that, although she sounds more moody than the INFJ's that I know.

I don't know if this is what she is doing, but as a fellow INFJ, this is (unfortunately) the pattern I often followed during my dating years:

1) really like a guy and notice that he is sending out signals
2) totally gush and act head over heels around him
3) realize that I was acting too obvious and then panic because he might not like me back
4) because of the panic, act cold and distant (to try to balance out acting too infatuated and protect myself from being rejected)
5) wait to see if he is still interested, then repeat #2

I know that sounds irritating, but I have a feeling that is exactly how many other INFJ's act. If she is acting in a similar way, then I would advise you to be as consistent and loving as possible. Once she feels secure, she will stop doing that pull forward/ pull backward loop.

 

[chocolatethundaa]

Wow, If what your saying IS in fact the case I could be the healthiest ive been in a while. Just by having that hope that i could make something of this situation. Though while reading your post an odd feeling of uncertainty and guilt is creeping up on me as I myself have often applied your rationale to events occurring and have almost always put myself down for just assuming that she is into me and this can often be the emotion that will send me downhill. Are there any ENFP's out there that can provide an input or advice into why im feeling like this. Especially if you personally have had a similar experience.

Thanks for your response lily. Your input is truly appreciated.

 

[Domino]

There's another guy? Uh oh. And she had drug use problems?

 

[Lily flower]

I think she sounds very unhealthy. You deserve better.

 

[the state i am in]

INFJ's naturally withdraw at times, so if you want to be with her you may have to get used to that, although she sounds more moody than the INFJ's that I know.

I don't know if this is what she is doing, but as a fellow INFJ, this is (unfortunately) the pattern I often followed during my dating years:

1) really like a guy and notice that he is sending out signals
2) totally gush and act head over heels around him
3) realize that I was acting too obvious and then panic because he might not like me back
4) because of the panic, act cold and distant (to try to balance out acting too infatuated and protect myself from being rejected)
5) wait to see if he is still interested, then repeat #2

I know that sounds irritating, but I have a feeling that is exactly how many other INFJ's act. If she is acting in a similar way, then I would advise you to be as consistent and loving as possible. Once she feels secure, she will stop doing that pull forward/ pull backward loop.

i agree with everything said here. if she's a 4w5, and especially an sx/sp, she might be more on the tumultuous and moody side. the issues kind of create this air of tragedy that it takes a long time to work/grow out of.

this is where it gets so complicated. you may have hurt her, but that doesn't imply any fault of your own. you both can suffer with no fault, no blame, etc, and it takes time to figure these things out, to get to the point where you can see your own suffering but not be trapped by it, to have it only INFORM what is true for you and not wholly determine it. it's up to you to figure out if you can move closer without getting too severely cut, if you are able to balance yourself in the midst of some occasional arrow flinging both purposeful and accidental. because it's really difficult to hear someone else when you're hurting too, it's an art form, really, and it doesn't always work, there's always little slip-ups and sometimes big ones too (for everyone). although some people just tend to opt for partners with less potential danger and more natural symbioses, less need to change/evolve, etc (i do not mean this in a pejorative or negative way). some relationships require more metabolizing, more change, more processing to build shapes that will fit together, and that can be both a good and a bad thing (during peaks and the high-stress lows).

finally the "you deserve better" thing is useful at times to get you to remember to look at the situation from your own needs and recognize that you need to privilege those over hers, especially at a stage like this. but i also think it's necessary to recognize that such a claim is not a hard truth. it's more of a soft one, something to refocus you, but ultimately, a way that is likely to distort the truth of the other person significantly by positing a standard designed to help you decide and not to understand her. a relationship requires a healthy balance of these two things, and surely it varies from person to person which side is the one to err on.

 

[HiddenAutumn]

As I read this thread I felt like I knew exactly why this girl has been acting this way. From my own experience as an INFJ I've found that if I'm really close with someone and I've bonded with them and then they abruptly cut me off by spending all their time with someone else or if they just start acting disinterested in me, it's almost like the unpardonable sin.

Not to say that I haven't forgiven people for doing that, but it usually takes a long time because I think INFJs really fear rejection (or at least I do) so when they feel rejected they just don't know if they can trust the person again. Anyway, that having been said, just recently I realized that I was actually being quite unfair by accusing these friends of wronging me, because it was really never their intention (as it was never really your intention) to hurt me. One of INFJs weaknesses is that we make a decision about something (in her case it's probably "if someone doesn't want to be around me I'm not of worth" or "If someone doesn't give me an ample amount of attention then they don't like me") and then we will reject any new information that comes in without even considering it, because we've already made up our mind. In other words, she has already decided that you have rejected her based on her past experiences with being rejected and so it's hard for her to believe that the new information you tried to give her (that you hadn't rejected her) is true.

I hope this makes sense, 'cause as you've probably gathered we aren't the simplest of creatures. Anyway, here's the good news. We LOVE sincerity. Because we're so idealistic it's hard for us to let go of the hurt when someone doesn't live up to our ideals; however, if you explain to her your true intentions and your admiration for her and really pour out your heart, I know she'll talk to you again. I think the best thing to do is to write her a letter. That way she'll have time to think about it and process it.

Anyway, those are just my thoughts on the situation based on my own experience. And if you don't feel comfortable telling her you have feelings for her just tell her all of the things you like about her as a person and explain that that's why you value her friendship, etc.

 

[chocolatethundaa]

thankyou all your amazing people (no wonder im attracted) ill try and take your advice but ive lost any srs hope.

 

[Thalassa]

Thanks a tonne for your response 1.000.000 I really value your input and love a lot of the things you mentioned.
You make a seriously valid point about the obsession etc. In fact I've often been angry at myself on those same accusations and in the past they where almost certainly valid but i've come through that with personal growth and a better understanding of who I am.
As of the suicidal thoughts and depression they where present from before any of this had even began and are triggered by lots of different occurrences pilling up to blow out the top, (sorry I didn't really word that correctly in the original post).
To clarify, as an INFJ you would advise me to back off a little and lose a lot of that intensity as that might seem stifling and obsessive to you?
(PS your ps was amazing, thanks)

anyone else got a say? please?

We're ENFPs. Apparently we always need to back off.

With certain people, backing off works magic, then they come for you. For others, they don't even notice you walked away, and in that case you have to learn you're better off without them.

I know it's difficult.

 

[Thalassa]

The other guy is similar to me in that she is close but supposedly he doesnt want a relationship. As for the drugs shes is starting to get into marijuana and I worry alot that this might develop to much worse.

Um if she smokes pot she's not "very unhealthy." Just thought I'd chime in here with this before the PTA comes railing for your gf.

 

[HiddenAutumn]

thankyou all your amazing people (no wonder im attracted) ill try and take your advice but ive lost any srs hope we argue to much about my failures and stuff like my attitude towards the marijuana and stuff. I NEED MY RAMONA. The I really need myself right now.

My new roommate is an ENFP and she's awesome! So I can easily say the same about you guys.

 

[chocolatethundaa]

hmmm wasnt all this a shambles i think shes gone, is that not just a sweet end who knows maybe in years to come times might change as for now I dont know a single other whom i wouldnt hurt in the end eh i wish i was able to let life pass without these tribulations of love and such

 

[Lenian]

I thought this might be the best place to ask what I could be doing wrong and what I could do better.

INFJs hold different standards for acquaintance/friends vs. mates or really close friends. Don't try to solve the problems. She won't see them as problems. It's just the way she is.

Just ignore her as best as possible and see if she comes back to sanity. By doing this you don't feed the drama. Think of not giving a 6-year old brat candy..you get what I mean. Just adds to their childish problem.