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  1. #1
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    Default How Could ENFPs Marry Young?

    Something that I've kind of puzzled over on this forum are ENFPs who married very, very young or who want to get married young. I think if someone had tried to marry me when I was 19 or 20 they would have had to tie me down with ropes, and even then I would have kicked and screamed, and may have even stabbed them afterward just for good measure.

    I saw having children early as a huge mistake that I needed to avoid (not that I cast that judgement on others, just for myself) so that I didn't end up torturing the child and my self too.

    Even when I was with my ESFJ ex for five years I felt as though I was trying to push him out of the neat little hole he'd carved for himself (guess what? four and half years after our break-up, he still lives in that hole...so I'll never try to push an SJ again...) and felt like I was much more active and changeable while we were together than he was. This only became stifling later in the relationship and also had to do with non-MBTI related problems. In a weird way I'm glad we had those problems because chances are we would have broken up anyway because I wouldn't have been able to stand what I see as the limited monotony of his life.

    I like being in a relationship, though, and obviously as I've grown older I've grown more capable of commitment. I just can't stand the idea of being truly tied down by anything.

    I realized when and if I do marry that person will have to understand me and allow me a certain degree of independence.

  2. #2
    meinmeinmein! mmhmm's Avatar
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    i got engaged at 20 after being together for about 3 years.
    he was over ten years older. one of those very long engagements.
    somehow kept stalling... for another 4 years and i finally put him
    out his misery... kept the ring turned it into earrings. souvenir.

    just didn't know better. thought that was what i wanted at the time.
    every normal man must be tempted, at times,
    to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag,
    and begin slitting throats.
    h.l. mencken

  3. #3
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    Okay, I lied. I got married once in Vegas but it was very short lived and stupid and before I met my ESFJ ex.

    I hate admitting it because it's really lame, but there it is. I'm a grown up and it's time I own up to the mistakes of my youth.

    The guy I married I had only known for six months. What a joke. What a childish thing to do.

    He's happily remarried now, like in a real marriage.

    If anything, I think this just reinforces my point. I know I got married in Vegas because it seemed fun and exciting, not because I wanted the actual "being married" part. That made itself evident pretty quickly, as I'm sure it would in most cases of impulsive Vegas marriages.

    I can't even think of this person as "my ex-husband."

  4. #4
    i love skylights's Avatar
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    hm. if the person i loved right now reciprocated, i would be willing to get engaged. i have known this person for many years and we have been through a lot together, seen each other and tolerated each other through our very worst. have you heard that quote...

    Quote Originally Posted by Antoine de Saint Exupery
    Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction.
    i think it would be about that for me. i enjoy having a travelling partner, and i love to make future plans. but i don't really like to make them alone - i like having someone's approval and support. i like someone's help reflecting when i am indecisive too - and the more that person knows me and the more i trust them, the more they can help me. and i like having someone to keep up with, too. it just makes life more interesting. i like making them happy too. and i like feeling like part of a team... not "us against the world" or anything, but having an equal partnership and being one anothers' foils and supports.

    i don't know if it makes much of a difference, but enneagram i'm sx/so - not much sp drive. i need alone time like everyone, but i really prefer having a close confidante. as long as the other person understands my flightiness, and is willing to go adventuring with me, then i'm very happy to have them along and even to usually let them lead the way. i know it's not gonna be perfect, but having found a person i feel so comfortable with, i can understand wanting to get married. that said, i know very few people i would even consider seriously dating, much less getting engaged or married.

    oh but children - eventually, yes, but hell no for at least another 10 years!

  5. #5
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    May I ask how old you are? Are you at least 22 or 23 years old saying this? Because I'm thinking more of people under 21....and you're also saying "in the next few years" not "now" I noted.

    I think you've also traveled already and may have been fortunate enough to find someone who is similar to you.

    I think this may have something to do with it. I'm from a small town and a working-class background and therefore to me marriage and children basically equalled death in my eyes until I was able to get out of there.

    I enjoy being in a relationship, I really do, I want a partner, but I can't stand the idea of being with someone who will suffocate me.

  6. #6
    this is my winter song EJCC's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Marmie Dearest View Post
    I think this may have something to do with it. I'm from a small town and a working-class background and therefore to me marriage and children basically equalled death in my eyes until I was able to get out of there.
    This statement= your personal Fi value (at the time), though presumably not every ENFP's Fi value. So, my attempt at an answer to your question would be that an ENFP, if/when they didn't have that value, could easily get married at a young age. They might not marry the right person, but considering divorce rates these days, a significant number of people don't, regardless of age or type.
    ~ g e t f e s t i v e ! ~


    EJCC: "The Big Questions in my life right now: 1) What am I willing to live with? 2) What do I have to live with? 3) What can I change for the better?"
    Coriolis: "Is that the ESTJ Serenity Prayer?"



    ESTJ - LSE - ESTj (mbti/socionics)
    1w2/7w6/3w4 so/sx (enneagram)
    want to ask me something? go for it!

  7. #7
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    It's just that some types fear being trapped or making the wrong decision more than others, and ENFP is one of those types.

  8. #8
    Senior Member 2XtremeENFP's Avatar
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    I am terrified of marriage and of kids. lol but i know (..i think..) i want it someday

    edit: i'm also 24 and still dont fully believe I am ready, though all of my friends my age are married and have kids... i dont know how they do it

  9. #9
    i love skylights's Avatar
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    ah, yeah. though do you think there's so much difference between 19 and 23? i think it would depend on your experiences over that period of time... and this is true, i have already had a lot of limit-pushing experiences. although you know ENFPs, a little is never enough

    Quote Originally Posted by EJCC
    So, my attempt at an answer to your question would be that an ENFP, if/when they didn't have that value, could easily get married at a young age.
    yeah, this is a very good point. i'm from a moderately-sized city, and my parents are from large cities and have moved distances, so that idea of just immediately settling down was never really on my radar. i don't think i would ever even consider someone who would want to do that as potential spouse material.

    as for others, let's see... i have some friends who have already married and settled in the towns where they were born, and ready for (or having) kids... no significant travel, no big future plans, etc. i cannot imagine doing that. of those people, i can't think of any ENFPs. the other ENFPs i know are mostly either still in school or somewhere off in europe or getting caught up in crazy business plans with ENTPs. or all three at once.


    anyway. i think if an ENFP, probably sx/so, met an adventurous enough person, and went through enough with that person, i think it'd be feasible for them to have a happy marriage young. i can understand that desire to get married because i don't feel the same commitment phobia with relationships that i do with pretty much everything else.

    but whether people in general should marry young is a totally different story.
    Last edited by skylights; 01-21-2011 at 12:48 AM.

  10. #10
    meinmeinmein! mmhmm's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Marmie Dearest View Post
    because it seemed fun and exciting, not because I wanted the actual "being married" part.
    i'm still somewhat like this i think, ten years on.
    ultimately i just want to a playmate, who i can
    trust to step up if he should ever need to.

    Madly in love after so many years of sterile complicity, they enjoyed the miracle of living each other as much at the table as in bed, and they grew to be so happy that even when they were two worn-out people they kept on blooming like little children and playing together like dogs.
    — One Hundred Years of Solitude


    Quote Originally Posted by skylights View Post
    though do you think there's so much difference between 19 and 23? i think it would depend on your experiences over that period of time...
    yes. huge difference. especially if you're used to having preset milestones
    your entire life, and that age range is usually the transition period of going
    into the world that no longer provides those guidelines (ie from school to the
    real world in the physical sense, but also maturity wise).

    what i learnt is that i just need the humility and time to figure stuff
    out for myself, before i can involve anybody else, this includes lovers
    and offspring. or else it's just resentment waiting to happen. younger,
    i had much more audacity and believed i could take anything on--immediately.
    there's something wonderful with that kind of recklessness, that
    innocence, sometimes i miss it.

    just need time to see, to believe, and observe. it's just as important
    as the interaction. when i know it's something good, it's because i
    recognise the patience that i suddenly have for it, it's a very bizzare
    kind of gentleness that i see in myself which feels almost exclusive
    with that very virtue.... something like that... hee.
    every normal man must be tempted, at times,
    to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag,
    and begin slitting throats.
    h.l. mencken

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