[MBTI General] Can you stand 8 years for a love

[tommyrader]

It's so special when I hear my NT friend's advice (FDG and Oakysage). It's practical and make me wonder, am I ENTJ ^^

 

[mmhmm]

i'm just not attracted to people that don't have their shit together.
so i dunno if it would even get to the point of having to wait.
or if i'd want someone like that to wait.

"what do you mean you don't have your shit together?
what? i'm your motivation? only NOW you'll get it together?
no fucking thank you".

see ya!

 

[SpankyMcFly]

No.

Life is short, just do it. If your plan is to work toward what you consider "marriage" material status (MMS)then can you say with 100% certainty that once you arrive at MMS that by then you will have not moved the goal posts? In other words are today's goals going to be the same 8 years from now? At first it's "finish college" then it becomes "get a job/career" somewhere along the way it's "get a car" or "get my own apartment" eventually it could become "buy a home". Next thing you know, you're 30 wondering where all the years went and reminiscing about all those "lost" opportunities.

Less think, more do.

 

[Arclight]

As NF...I believe I could stand 800 years for a love.

But what about building a life together?

Me too..

Although I can also be extremely fickle..

And this has been my point for sometime.. Somethings... WILL NEVER IMPROVE UNLESS LOVE IS ACTUALLY PRESENT IN YOUR LIFE...

So building together is the whole point .

Thank you for listening

Arc

 

[JoSunshine]

I'm wondering if there is a cultural difference that needs to be considered here? Where are you from?

 

[nolla]

When you love a girl

And you know, at this time, you can't bring her a good life, you can't give her a warm life, you can't insure a stable life for her.

Can you stand 8 years without showing that you love her, to make change of yourself, to make you stronger, better, to have a firm stuff to face the life issue, and to invite her to your life,

Oh, shit... this is really freaking me out. The stuff they put in our minds...

Umm, first of all, I assume you are from a relatively similar culture as I am. I mean, I understand your problem if it is not acceptable for you to date someone for religious reasons or such. If the only option is to do it with the intention to marry. Then you really have a problem. Or then you have a different kind of a problem.

But, if we are culturally on the same page, then I would say you are really overestimating the level of control people have over their lives. You might build your status and get money and become more stable, but you will not be ready, you will not be a whole individual, there's always something missing. It is one of the big illusions of the western culture. There will not be a moment you stop and say "I am here, now I can start living". It seems to me that you consider your present life as some sort of preparation for the actual life, which you define as something stable. This is not good if you want to be happy. Your life is now, and if you constantly think about the future, you will miss the NOW. Then you have spent eight years just preparing for that perfect moment, and I am sure that it will not be the way you imagine it.

Another thing. You or her can be dead tomorrow. Or the day after that. Anything can happen. Or she might find someone else. You might find someone else. Listen, I know where you are coming from with these ideas, and it is not just you. Anyone except some narcissist will think that they are not enough in some way. "Why would she love me because I am just... me...." Well, all I can say about this is that there are issues of timing which are quite subtle. I have personally had to regret this enough times to take it seriously. There really in some way is no other chance except now. Think of you and her floating in water, separately. Then you seem to float by her for a time, then the current takes you away. And she's lost. This stuff happens all the time. We lose the people who are most important to us at some point. So, you'll just have to admit that you are not perfect now, and will never be, and if that isn't good enough for her, then it isn't. But at least then you would know her answer. If you wait for eight years, you might never know, and I can tell you that it is a lot more painful in the long run than the knowing.

Wow, this is becoming a long post. As you probably noticed, I have had my issues with similar situations... But, I don't really want to tell you what to do, exactly, since I don't know the specifics of your case. This is just what I think will happen.

 

[corey_vann]

Great point by JoSunshine, but all cultural differences aside, it's better to know. Why wait 8 years to tell someone you love them only to possibly find out that they have never and will never feel the same way? Wouldn't be better to tell this person how you feel NOW and see if she feels, or even thinks that there is a possibility, of feeling the same way? If it's a yes, than you can begin to plan for the future. It it's a no, than you can move on. Having extremely passionate feelings pent up inside with no outlet can be a living hell. I'm sure everyone on here has been there before. If there are no social taboos against at least telling her how you feel, then I say do it. If there are, then I'd like to know about them just for my own knowledge, and still I say do it anyway. Either way, I'm rooting for you!

 

[entropie]

wow 8 years are tough. I think if it has to stand for 8 years you'll loose a lot of blood in vital function in your brain, but what the heck... I like a challenge

 

[JoSunshine]

CV, I personally agree. However if he lives in a culture where being able to care for a woman is a hallmark of being a good man, issues of compromised self worth (feeling like a failure as a man) based on that societies values may come into play. I would want to address that issue, but only if it is relevant.

 

[Randomnity]

Where does the 8 years come from? In most countries where men and women aren't considered equal, you don't have people waiting until their 30s (8 years) to get married. At least not any of the cultures I'm familiar with. They usually want women to start popping them out asap.

/culturally insensitive

 

[JoSunshine]

I know in Japan it is common to get married in your late twenties or early thirties, but it is still common for the woman to quit her job (if she has one) once she is married or engaged. I assume this may be possible in other cultures as well.

 

[Thalassa]

8 years bro? Aren't you afraid she'll marry someone else? You need to just marry her now if you're so sure and build a life with her. You build a life for her, you might be building a life for a different lady or nobody at all.

I'm flabbergasted by this attitude.

 

[IZthe411]

Knowing love the way I do
I can say for certain that it's true
There's a chance for me and you
I surely feel like the time is near
The picture in my mind is very clear
I think love has brought us here

I remember not too long ago
I was just a lonely person with a lonely heart
And I was hopin' there could one day be
Be a chance for me to...

Chorus:
Get the love that I'd been missin'
Sometimes love takes a long time
But, wait for love and you're gonna get the
Chance to love - wait for love, wait for love
Ooh my

When you take the chance on love you see
It's not a waste of time if you truly believe
The impossible can be
So hold on tight if you think you're right
'Cause nothing hurts as bad as when you see
You gave up too easily

Now I remember spending all my time
On a dream that kept me wishing that you could be mine
And I was hopin' there could one day be
Be a chance for me to...

Repeat Chorus

I never stopped believing there could one day be
Be a chance for me to

Repeat Chorus and Fade

RIP Luther Vandross

 

[skylights]

Why not work toward a stable life while simply dating?

my thoughts too.

i think we are all concerned that life will interfere if you don't take the opportunity for love that is in front of you.

personally, i fall in love with someone because of their passion, dedication, caring, sense of humor, intelligence, interest, and charm. those things don't really change through most people's lives... even if they are experiencing certain hard issues, those general personality attributes usually remain the same.

You build a life for her, you might be building a life for a different lady or nobody at all.

this too... sometimes we think we know what people want... but we don't really know what they need. especially for an NF, unwavering love, support, and encouragement of her dreams are all generally going to be the most important attributes in a partner.

what are the issues you're worried about, exactly, tommyrader? are you talking about money or career security, or emotional stability?

 

[tommyrader]

Dear my friends!

It's hard to describe my feeling now. I'm moved and fired by your care. Thank you so much my friends! You gave me a lot of advices and I'm trying to do better from it.

Most of you advise me to express my love. Some of you suggest me to be patient. I see the good points from both of them and will have some deep thinking to give the final decision.

@Nolla: Your post is really great, I get some lesson from it.

@IZthe411: Your song is beautiful, sincerely!

@JoSunshine: I'm living in asia, but that doesn't control my decision. It's not the problem of culture or religious.

@skylights: you're sensible (sorry if I use the wrong word) when your think there's the problem of emotional stability. I think I should give more thought about that.

Thank you, all my friends!