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  1. #1
    Badoom~ Skyward's Avatar
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    Default Perceptive Dissonance (And the INFJ Female)

    Brooding about a person I have been pining for for years had finally come to fruition in that I found out -why- she was so attractive for what I could perceive as 'no reason.'

    She has a je ne sais quoi that stemmed from a dissonance in how she was and how people perceived her. This made her attractive to a lot of guys, but they wouldn't really express it because they felt a sort of mental vertigo. A kind similar to what a person feels when they meet an actor face to face. You think you know the actor from what they were on the screen, but then their true self comes in and scatters it.

    Then started thinking about the other INFJ female I know in person (My ENTP cousin's fiancee, go figure ) and realized she had that sort of thing too, however she played videogames so we had a common interest that could bridge those stormy waters of Cogni'Diss. Also she was quite solidly taken (Also a good 6 years my senior) so I didn't even let any thoughts of the relationship persuasion creep in.

    That leads to these questions, one to INFJ females and one to those who know them.

    1) (This one might be answered in other threads) INFJ females: Do people seem to act odd around you? Not necessarily obviously, but that you can tell that they treat you differently than to other people? Heck, INFJ males, do you notice that sort of thing?

    2) Non INFJs: How do you perceive INFJs? Are they any different? I am not asking this in an empirical-logical way of the 'Well they're human so they arent' persuasion. I want to know if they seem to have something about them that makes them SEEM different even if they aren't.

    This is a social puzzle that pulled me back after a long hiatus. Sorry, but you folks will just have to deal with me some more

    Posting a Eureka Moment at 3 AM FTW
    'Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and its better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.' - Marilyn Monroe

    This is who I am, escapist, paradise-seeker.
    -Nightwish

    Anthropology Major out of Hamline University. St. Paul, Minnesota.

  2. #2

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    haha this is funny not in a mocking way . I think everyone wishes they were seen as a "je ne sais quoi" but i dont know if sometimes infj type personalities get in their head too much and think people may be looking at them wierd or different because (im speaking from my own view so i cant speak for others ) i tend to be in my head alot and my "assumptions" may be exagerated?.. im not really sure i second guess alot. But to give a somewhat answer i try to look presentable and not make a fool of myself and when i walk around with my head phones i sometimes give people meaningful eye looks and keep going...... i call it eye flirting. I dont know why i do it.... maybe to be more mysterious... whooo knows and then for like 70 percent of the time im zoned out on my way somewhere sooo. Im sorry my answer sucks haha :P. I feel like i totally get what youre saying i just personally dont know if people percieve me this way. I think everyone wants to be seen as special and alluring soooo i dont know.


    now that i think of it i think i eye flirt because i just like feeling sorta close to someone and then i dont really feel like they would ever see me this way and i keep going.... i dont know if they feel a something but.... hmmm i dont know... this is a thinker...


    sorry haha if that doesnt make sense :P let me know and ill try to make sense of it .. maybe i rambled... i dont know let me know.

  3. #3
    Phantonym
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    Quote Originally Posted by Skyward View Post
    INFJ females: Do people seem to act odd around you? Not necessarily obviously, but that you can tell that they treat you differently than to other people?
    Sure. The story of my life. I've always just figured that it's because apparently there is something fundamentally wrong with me. That's how it's always felt like, that everybody seems to think that way and not because I'm perceived as irresistibly attractive, but horribly repugnant. Or I'm just being delusional and self-conscious to the Nth degree.

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    yes you (phantonym) said it bette than me yeah im sure you are actually not repugnant at all. But when i said " i dont know why they would see me this way" i meant because i cant see why anyone would want to be in anything with me. I dont think im beautiful or anything like that which really isnt too important i just want to learn to be a little more confident. but anywhooo yeah i dont know im pretty self concious too my friends ad family are so sick of it but i cant help it im trying to be positive. but yeah just to clear that up.

  5. #5
    darkened dreams labyrinthine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Skyward View Post
    1) (This one might be answered in other threads) INFJ females: Do people seem to act odd around you? Not necessarily obviously, but that you can tell that they treat you differently than to other people? Heck, INFJ males, do you notice that sort of thing?
    Mostly I have felt that people are surprisingly unaware of me except for a few unexpected moments like an admirer letter from a pharmacist who saw me sing in a choir years ago and just random weird stuff like that.

    My sense is that there is an unassuming ordinariness about me in the eyes of most people, but every now and then I capture someone's imagination. People I had never met used to think they recognized me on a strangely regular basis, so I think I gave off a personal, familiar vibe. I had one girl run up and give me a hug and say she was so happy I returned to school that year. It wasn't my school and there was an awkward exchange the ended the interaction. I didn't try to explain how often people made that mistake. Socially I have had an issue with being the most and least approachable person at the same time. I don't think it is for straight up flattering reasons, but something about being expressive and withdrawn at the same time that when noticed, certain people might connect to it more than they expect, but more often it is a vague image blending into the more striking floral wallpaper.
    Step into my metaphysical room of mirrors.
    Fear of reality creates myopic morality
    So I guess it means there is trouble until the robins come
    (from Blue Velvet)

  6. #6
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    I certainly identify with what you've said about being the most and least approachable person simultaneously to different people. I'm not really sure what that is. I also find that people end up with wildly different perceptions of who I am and that many of them are quite erroneous. It often is at very different ends of the spectrum too - like seeing me as super-conservative-easily-horrified-goody-two-shoes or as free-spirit-hippy-type-anarchist etc or just blandly nice. I think I don't shock easily and don't tend to speak my mind on issues unless my opinion is solicited or until I know someone fairly well, so sometimes my lack of negative reaction may be taken as agreeing or acceptance of a certain lifestyle or position on an issue. At the same time, I don't smoke, drink, do drugs and many people know I am Christian, so there are a lot of assumptions that go along with that as well. I've heard people say that they thought I was being flirty, when I certainly wasn't - just animated and asking questions out of curiosity. I've also heard people say that they thought I was very shy and easily bossed, which I'm not. I just tend to want to ensure that I'm welcome first before I feel free to really be myself.

    In some cases, I've found men that treat me like a mother figure/idealized woman rolled up in one, which seems odd to me. Kind of like putting me on a pedestal, and with not just familial admiration, but at the same time not at all pursuing me either. I don't know how to explain that exactly, but I think it's sort of a weird phenomenon. I do know that some people who would usually hit on everyone else don't on me. I think there is some element of respect there, but it also leads me to wonder too if they see me as an asexual person. I used to draw an unusual amount of very odd individuals to me (both genders) out of nowhere, even without conversation or eye contact, to the point that it became a joke amongst a lot of my friends. This seems to be happening less as I get older though.

    I would actually have a hard time saying how the majority of people would perceive me, because I think people see many different sides of me. None of the sides I show are facades or are dishonest, but rather certain people or contexts draw out various aspects of who I am. Maybe that's a part of some people's cognitive dissonance with INFJs, if it is as you suggest Skyward?

  7. #7
    darkened dreams labyrinthine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    I certainly identify with what you've said about being the most and least approachable person simultaneously to different people. I'm not really sure what that is. I also find that people end up with wildly different perceptions of who I am and that many of them are quite erroneous. It often is at very different ends of the spectrum too - like seeing me as super-conservative-easily-horrified-goody-two-shoes or as free-spirit-hippy-type-anarchist etc or just blandly nice. I think I don't shock easily and don't tend to speak my mind on issues unless my opinion is solicited or until I know someone fairly well, so sometimes my lack of negative reaction may be taken as agreeing or acceptance of a certain lifestyle or position on an issue. At the same time, I don't smoke, drink, do drugs and many people know I am Christian, so there are a lot of assumptions that go along with that as well. I've heard people say that they thought I was being flirty, when I certainly wasn't - just animated and asking questions out of curiosity. I've also heard people say that they thought I was very shy and easily bossed, which I'm not. I just tend to want to ensure that I'm welcome first before I feel free to really be myself.

    In some cases, I've found men that treat me like a mother figure/idealized woman rolled up in one, which seems odd to me. Kind of like putting me on a pedestal, and with not just familial admiration, but at the same time not at all pursuing me either. I don't know how to explain that exactly, but I think it's sort of a weird phenomenon. I do know that some people who would usually hit on everyone else don't on me. I think there is some element of respect there, but it also leads me to wonder too if they see me as an asexual person. I used to draw an unusual amount of very odd individuals to me (both genders) out of nowhere, even without conversation or eye contact, to the point that it became a joke amongst a lot of my friends. This seems to be happening less as I get older though.

    I would actually have a hard time saying how the majority of people would perceive me, because I think people see many different sides of me. None of the sides I show are facades or are dishonest, but rather certain people or contexts draw out various aspects of who I am. Maybe that's a part of some people's cognitive dissonance with INFJs, if it is as you suggest Skyward?
    Wow.

    There is so much of that post that resonates with me. The conflicting impressions people have spoken of me saying "She's so fragile", "She's the toughest one in the department", and many other dichotomies that can't both possibly be true. When I experienced big changes in my life even the people closest to me came to strange and hostile conclusions that left me devastated and confused beyond words. The perception of having no sexuality was a big issue during my young adult years. The irony is that I felt particularly vulnerable at that time and fantasized almost constantly. It is alienating to have people be so mistaken and often in opposite ways. I think so differently than people often assume. It left me feeling isolated most of my life. It is reassuring to hear someone else have such a similar experience.
    Step into my metaphysical room of mirrors.
    Fear of reality creates myopic morality
    So I guess it means there is trouble until the robins come
    (from Blue Velvet)

  8. #8
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Annwn View Post
    Wow.

    There is so much of that post that resonates with me. The conflicting impressions people have spoken of me saying "She's so fragile", "She's the toughest one in the department", and many other dichotomies that can't both possibly be true. When I experienced big changes in my life even the people closest to me came to strange and hostile conclusions that left me devastated and confused beyond words. The perception of having no sexuality was a big issue during my young adult years. The irony is that I felt particularly vulnerable at that time and fantasized almost constantly. It is alienating to have people be so mistaken and often in opposite ways. I think so differently than people often assume. It left me feeling isolated most of my life. It is reassuring to hear someone else have such a similar experience.
    Third me to Fidelia's original comment and Annwn's follow-up...I could have written most of what both of you wrote. Perceptions of me ranging from total hippy to unbelievably uptight; men seeming to almost idealise me, yet not usually wanting to pursue me; anything from very outgoing and strong to highly withdrawn and easily hurt; etc etc. It can be strange and unsettling.

    Lately I'm feeling better about pretty much everything, and stronger and happier, than I have for many years. Which is great, but it means that people who've recently met me can have a perception of me purely as bouncy, upbeat and laidback. While in the past some people probably met me at a lower time and saw me as dark, unhappy and withdrawn.

    I guess you could say I am all of the above to a certain extent at least, but I still believe I have a strong character and a lot of integrity. I'm not (usually) blown about by every wind. At the same time, I can deal courteously and happily with many different types of people, and even have close-ish to very close friendships with different types of people. I guess that is unusual in many ways...


    EDIT: And yes, the most/least approachable person thing probably applies to me too. I think the fact that I'm not only INFJ, but a six feet tall female adds to that. There probably is a sort of dissonance there. People tend to assume that as I'm very tall (and I also have a deep voice) I'm very confident. Yet I know that my typical demeanour around those I don't already know is tentatively friendly, but also somewhat shy and aloof. The overall effect, with my physical appearance as well, is probably a bit odd.
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  9. #9
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    I wouldn't say that men aren't attracted to me in a romantic way. It's just that there are some that are almost looking for a person to project their idealized vision of a woman onto. It's not based in reality, but I think since INFJs don't initially come off as a strong flavour of person till you know them better, it's easier to project an ideal onto us without it being disturbed as obviously right away. I generally would say that I get male feedback that I am attractive, but I would have a hard time saying what it was that they found attractive. While there's certainly a sexual component of me, it's not one that I show to just anyone and I don't dress particularly to highlight that. I think I am pretty comfortable in my own skin though and so am not particularly hiding or showcasing my body. My guess is that it would be more approaching people in a warm and receptive way and making eye contact that would be inviting more than any particular physical aspect of my persona.

    I think I do especially appreciate someone who understands me or reads me correctly for who I really am, even though the misinterpretations amuse me more than upset me. It means that they have taken time to delve a little and are paying attention, rather than just going with the general overall impression they get from one context.

  10. #10
    Senior Member Tiltyred's Avatar
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    Me, too.

    People are constantly surprised by what I have to say and how I say it. Whatever impression they form of me before I interact with them is at huge odds with what happens when I do. Some people are intimidated by me before they know me and then tell me (it has happened more than once) that they were surprised at how warm I am. Some people see me as warm and easy going and are taken by surprise at my strong will and ability to analyze. Even when they know me, still, it seems like every time I open my mouth, people glance at each other and laugh, or they sit up suddenly -- they have some pointed reaction. I have come to take it for granted and sometimes just go for the shock to begin with, because at least that way I can control it a little. I have never ever blended in and never been anything but weird. Dis my life. Life is very pain. Wait a minute, I'm channeling Man...

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