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[INFJ] Perceptive Dissonance (And the INFJ Female)

Skyward

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Brooding about a person I have been pining for for years had finally come to fruition in that I found out -why- she was so attractive for what I could perceive as 'no reason.'

She has a je ne sais quoi that stemmed from a dissonance in how she was and how people perceived her. This made her attractive to a lot of guys, but they wouldn't really express it because they felt a sort of mental vertigo. A kind similar to what a person feels when they meet an actor face to face. You think you know the actor from what they were on the screen, but then their true self comes in and scatters it.

Then started thinking about the other INFJ female I know in person (My ENTP cousin's fiancee, go figure :D) and realized she had that sort of thing too, however she played videogames so we had a common interest that could bridge those stormy waters of Cogni'Diss. Also she was quite solidly taken (Also a good 6 years my senior) so I didn't even let any thoughts of the relationship persuasion creep in.

That leads to these questions, one to INFJ females and one to those who know them.

1) (This one might be answered in other threads) INFJ females: Do people seem to act odd around you? Not necessarily obviously, but that you can tell that they treat you differently than to other people? Heck, INFJ males, do you notice that sort of thing?

2) Non INFJs: How do you perceive INFJs? Are they any different? I am not asking this in an empirical-logical way of the 'Well they're human so they arent' persuasion. I want to know if they seem to have something about them that makes them SEEM different even if they aren't.

This is a social puzzle that pulled me back after a long hiatus. Sorry, but you folks will just have to deal with me some more :devil:

Posting a Eureka Moment at 3 AM FTW :solidarity:
 

Omission1234

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haha this is funny not in a mocking way :). I think everyone wishes they were seen as a "je ne sais quoi" but i dont know if sometimes infj type personalities get in their head too much and think people may be looking at them wierd or different because (im speaking from my own view so i cant speak for others ) i tend to be in my head alot and my "assumptions" may be exagerated?.. im not really sure i second guess alot. But to give a somewhat answer i try to look presentable and not make a fool of myself and when i walk around with my head phones i sometimes give people meaningful eye looks and keep going...... i call it eye flirting. I dont know why i do it.... maybe to be more mysterious... whooo knows and then for like 70 percent of the time im zoned out on my way somewhere sooo. Im sorry my answer sucks haha :p. I feel like i totally get what youre saying i just personally dont know if people percieve me this way. I think everyone wants to be seen as special and alluring soooo i dont know.


now that i think of it i think i eye flirt because i just like feeling sorta close to someone and then i dont really feel like they would ever see me this way and i keep going.... i dont know if they feel a something but.... hmmm i dont know... this is a thinker...


:D sorry haha if that doesnt make sense :p let me know and ill try to make sense of it .. maybe i rambled... i dont know let me know. :)
 
P

Phantonym

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INFJ females: Do people seem to act odd around you? Not necessarily obviously, but that you can tell that they treat you differently than to other people?

Sure. The story of my life. I've always just figured that it's because apparently there is something fundamentally wrong with me. That's how it's always felt like, that everybody seems to think that way and not because I'm perceived as irresistibly attractive, but horribly repugnant. :shrug: Or I'm just being delusional and self-conscious to the Nth degree.
 

Omission1234

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yes you (phantonym) said it bette than me :) yeah im sure you are actually not repugnant at all. But when i said " i dont know why they would see me this way" i meant because i cant see why anyone would want to be in anything with me. I dont think im beautiful or anything like that which really isnt too important i just want to learn to be a little more confident. but anywhooo yeah i dont know im pretty self concious too my friends ad family are so sick of it but i cant help it im trying to be positive. but yeah just to clear that up.
 

Siúil a Rúin

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1) (This one might be answered in other threads) INFJ females: Do people seem to act odd around you? Not necessarily obviously, but that you can tell that they treat you differently than to other people? Heck, INFJ males, do you notice that sort of thing?
Mostly I have felt that people are surprisingly unaware of me except for a few unexpected moments like an admirer letter from a pharmacist who saw me sing in a choir years ago and just random weird stuff like that.

My sense is that there is an unassuming ordinariness about me in the eyes of most people, but every now and then I capture someone's imagination. People I had never met used to think they recognized me on a strangely regular basis, so I think I gave off a personal, familiar vibe. I had one girl run up and give me a hug and say she was so happy I returned to school that year. It wasn't my school and there was an awkward exchange the ended the interaction. I didn't try to explain how often people made that mistake. Socially I have had an issue with being the most and least approachable person at the same time. I don't think it is for straight up flattering reasons, but something about being expressive and withdrawn at the same time that when noticed, certain people might connect to it more than they expect, but more often it is a vague image blending into the more striking floral wallpaper.
 

Fidelia

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I certainly identify with what you've said about being the most and least approachable person simultaneously to different people. I'm not really sure what that is. I also find that people end up with wildly different perceptions of who I am and that many of them are quite erroneous. It often is at very different ends of the spectrum too - like seeing me as super-conservative-easily-horrified-goody-two-shoes or as free-spirit-hippy-type-anarchist etc or just blandly nice. I think I don't shock easily and don't tend to speak my mind on issues unless my opinion is solicited or until I know someone fairly well, so sometimes my lack of negative reaction may be taken as agreeing or acceptance of a certain lifestyle or position on an issue. At the same time, I don't smoke, drink, do drugs and many people know I am Christian, so there are a lot of assumptions that go along with that as well. I've heard people say that they thought I was being flirty, when I certainly wasn't - just animated and asking questions out of curiosity. I've also heard people say that they thought I was very shy and easily bossed, which I'm not. I just tend to want to ensure that I'm welcome first before I feel free to really be myself.

In some cases, I've found men that treat me like a mother figure/idealized woman rolled up in one, which seems odd to me. Kind of like putting me on a pedestal, and with not just familial admiration, but at the same time not at all pursuing me either. I don't know how to explain that exactly, but I think it's sort of a weird phenomenon. I do know that some people who would usually hit on everyone else don't on me. I think there is some element of respect there, but it also leads me to wonder too if they see me as an asexual person. I used to draw an unusual amount of very odd individuals to me (both genders) out of nowhere, even without conversation or eye contact, to the point that it became a joke amongst a lot of my friends. This seems to be happening less as I get older though.

I would actually have a hard time saying how the majority of people would perceive me, because I think people see many different sides of me. None of the sides I show are facades or are dishonest, but rather certain people or contexts draw out various aspects of who I am. Maybe that's a part of some people's cognitive dissonance with INFJs, if it is as you suggest Skyward?
 

Siúil a Rúin

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I certainly identify with what you've said about being the most and least approachable person simultaneously to different people. I'm not really sure what that is. I also find that people end up with wildly different perceptions of who I am and that many of them are quite erroneous. It often is at very different ends of the spectrum too - like seeing me as super-conservative-easily-horrified-goody-two-shoes or as free-spirit-hippy-type-anarchist etc or just blandly nice. I think I don't shock easily and don't tend to speak my mind on issues unless my opinion is solicited or until I know someone fairly well, so sometimes my lack of negative reaction may be taken as agreeing or acceptance of a certain lifestyle or position on an issue. At the same time, I don't smoke, drink, do drugs and many people know I am Christian, so there are a lot of assumptions that go along with that as well. I've heard people say that they thought I was being flirty, when I certainly wasn't - just animated and asking questions out of curiosity. I've also heard people say that they thought I was very shy and easily bossed, which I'm not. I just tend to want to ensure that I'm welcome first before I feel free to really be myself.

In some cases, I've found men that treat me like a mother figure/idealized woman rolled up in one, which seems odd to me. Kind of like putting me on a pedestal, and with not just familial admiration, but at the same time not at all pursuing me either. I don't know how to explain that exactly, but I think it's sort of a weird phenomenon. I do know that some people who would usually hit on everyone else don't on me. I think there is some element of respect there, but it also leads me to wonder too if they see me as an asexual person. I used to draw an unusual amount of very odd individuals to me (both genders) out of nowhere, even without conversation or eye contact, to the point that it became a joke amongst a lot of my friends. This seems to be happening less as I get older though.

I would actually have a hard time saying how the majority of people would perceive me, because I think people see many different sides of me. None of the sides I show are facades or are dishonest, but rather certain people or contexts draw out various aspects of who I am. Maybe that's a part of some people's cognitive dissonance with INFJs, if it is as you suggest Skyward?
Wow.

There is so much of that post that resonates with me. The conflicting impressions people have spoken of me saying "She's so fragile", "She's the toughest one in the department", and many other dichotomies that can't both possibly be true. When I experienced big changes in my life even the people closest to me came to strange and hostile conclusions that left me devastated and confused beyond words. The perception of having no sexuality was a big issue during my young adult years. The irony is that I felt particularly vulnerable at that time and fantasized almost constantly. It is alienating to have people be so mistaken and often in opposite ways. I think so differently than people often assume. It left me feeling isolated most of my life. It is reassuring to hear someone else have such a similar experience.
 

SilkRoad

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Wow.

There is so much of that post that resonates with me. The conflicting impressions people have spoken of me saying "She's so fragile", "She's the toughest one in the department", and many other dichotomies that can't both possibly be true. When I experienced big changes in my life even the people closest to me came to strange and hostile conclusions that left me devastated and confused beyond words. The perception of having no sexuality was a big issue during my young adult years. The irony is that I felt particularly vulnerable at that time and fantasized almost constantly. It is alienating to have people be so mistaken and often in opposite ways. I think so differently than people often assume. It left me feeling isolated most of my life. It is reassuring to hear someone else have such a similar experience.

Third me to Fidelia's original comment and Annwn's follow-up...I could have written most of what both of you wrote. Perceptions of me ranging from total hippy to unbelievably uptight; men seeming to almost idealise me, yet not usually wanting to pursue me; anything from very outgoing and strong to highly withdrawn and easily hurt; etc etc. It can be strange and unsettling.

Lately I'm feeling better about pretty much everything, and stronger and happier, than I have for many years. Which is great, but it means that people who've recently met me can have a perception of me purely as bouncy, upbeat and laidback. While in the past some people probably met me at a lower time and saw me as dark, unhappy and withdrawn.

I guess you could say I am all of the above to a certain extent at least, but I still believe I have a strong character and a lot of integrity. I'm not (usually) blown about by every wind. At the same time, I can deal courteously and happily with many different types of people, and even have close-ish to very close friendships with different types of people. I guess that is unusual in many ways...


EDIT: And yes, the most/least approachable person thing probably applies to me too. I think the fact that I'm not only INFJ, but a six feet tall female adds to that. There probably is a sort of dissonance there. People tend to assume that as I'm very tall (and I also have a deep voice) I'm very confident. Yet I know that my typical demeanour around those I don't already know is tentatively friendly, but also somewhat shy and aloof. The overall effect, with my physical appearance as well, is probably a bit odd.
 

Fidelia

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I wouldn't say that men aren't attracted to me in a romantic way. It's just that there are some that are almost looking for a person to project their idealized vision of a woman onto. It's not based in reality, but I think since INFJs don't initially come off as a strong flavour of person till you know them better, it's easier to project an ideal onto us without it being disturbed as obviously right away. I generally would say that I get male feedback that I am attractive, but I would have a hard time saying what it was that they found attractive. While there's certainly a sexual component of me, it's not one that I show to just anyone and I don't dress particularly to highlight that. I think I am pretty comfortable in my own skin though and so am not particularly hiding or showcasing my body. My guess is that it would be more approaching people in a warm and receptive way and making eye contact that would be inviting more than any particular physical aspect of my persona.

I think I do especially appreciate someone who understands me or reads me correctly for who I really am, even though the misinterpretations amuse me more than upset me. It means that they have taken time to delve a little and are paying attention, rather than just going with the general overall impression they get from one context.
 

Tiltyred

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Me, too.

People are constantly surprised by what I have to say and how I say it. Whatever impression they form of me before I interact with them is at huge odds with what happens when I do. Some people are intimidated by me before they know me and then tell me (it has happened more than once) that they were surprised at how warm I am. Some people see me as warm and easy going and are taken by surprise at my strong will and ability to analyze. Even when they know me, still, it seems like every time I open my mouth, people glance at each other and laugh, or they sit up suddenly -- they have some pointed reaction. I have come to take it for granted and sometimes just go for the shock to begin with, because at least that way I can control it a little. I have never ever blended in and never been anything but weird. Dis my life. Life is very pain. Wait a minute, I'm channeling Man...
 

Z Buck McFate

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The reaction people have to me runs the gamut. A lot of people have had adverse reactions- sometimes even visceral- but I don’t think it has as much to do with INFJness as it does a certain brand of crudeness/social ineptitude I haven’t quite been able to shake from my upbringing. On the flip side, there have been others who seem to take an almost immediate shine to me because I do tend to see things in unusual ways and they like the way it stretches their perspective. I can relate to Fid’s pedestal comment above, I seem to inadvertently end up on one sometimes and it’s uncomfortable for me. It’s like being able to reach an itch in people that they can’t quite reach themselves, or that they didn’t even know was there until it was scratched. While it’s always nice to have one’s opinion valued, I’m not comfortable when people give it more weight than I think they should.

I also find that people end up with wildly different perceptions of who I am and that many of them are quite erroneous. It often is at very different ends of the spectrum too - like seeing me as super-conservative-easily-horrified-goody-two-shoes or as free-spirit-hippy-type-anarchist etc or just blandly nice. I think I don't shock easily and don't tend to speak my mind on issues unless my opinion is solicited or until I know someone fairly well, so sometimes my lack of negative reaction may be taken as agreeing or acceptance of a certain lifestyle or position on an issue. At the same time, I don't smoke, drink, do drugs and many people know I am Christian, so there are a lot of assumptions that go along with that as well. I've heard people say that they thought I was being flirty, when I certainly wasn't - just animated and asking questions out of curiosity. I've also heard people say that they thought I was very shy and easily bossed, which I'm not. I just tend to want to ensure that I'm welcome first before I feel free to really be myself.

I’ve always had this problem too. My ex speculated the reason (he noticed it too) was because I’m so expressionless/stoic around people I don’t know very well that they tend to fill in the blanks with their own insecurities/ project their own faults, self-criticism or personal demons into what I must be thinking. There might be some of that going on, but I also think- in my case- the additional element of social ineptitude convolutes it and throws some people off.

I’ve always had a very Edward Scissorhands-y relationship to ‘others’ upon meeting them and getting to know them: more than a few people have told me they found me somewhat menacing at first, while others seem to see through it and have the opposite reaction of liking me almost too much (like Fid said about idealizing, but I get it as much with women as I do men). And really, I think- by and large, for most people- I’m more a wallflower than anything else. The strange variance of reactions in the minority of people I meet is so pronounced it’s distracting to me, but I’m probably neither here nor there to most people.
 

Siúil a Rúin

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I guess you could say I am all of the above to a certain extent at least, but I still believe I have a strong character and a lot of integrity. I'm not (usually) blown about by every wind. At the same time, I can deal courteously and happily with many different types of people, and even have close-ish to very close friendships with different types of people. I guess that is unusual in many ways...
One analogy I have used for myself is the weeble-wobble. Some of the misunderstandings and experiences can throw me off balance, but it is impossible to tip me over. Social pressure never had much effect on me. One conflict in perception is that I am almost always stronger than people assume.

I’ve always had this problem too. My ex speculated the reason (he noticed it too) was because I’m so expressionless/stoic around people I don’t know very well that they tend to fill in the blanks with their own insecurities/ project their own faults, self-criticism or personal demons into what I must be thinking. There might be some of that going on, but I also think- in my case- the additional element of social ineptitude convolutes it and throws some people off.
That is very insightful, and quite true. I came to the same conclusion. This could apply to a number of introverted types, but does happen more with particular individuals.
 

Vasilisa

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She has a je ne sais quoi that stemmed from a dissonance in how she was and how people perceived her. This made her attractive to a lot of guys, but they wouldn't really express it because they felt a sort of mental vertigo. A kind similar to what a person feels when they meet an actor face to face. You think you know the actor from what they were on the screen, but then their true self comes in and scatters it.

I don't delude myself that every man I encounter is falling in love with me, thats for sure.

When I look at my life, starting in high school, it appears as though I have possibly had a larger proportion of male friends (both hetero and homosexual) than what is average especially in relation to my number of female friends. This is not to say I have anything against women or relationships with them. I typically have a very close relationship with one or two female best friends :heart:. I almost feel like many women might regard me as different from them and/or hard to understand, and thats slightly off-putting to them. Subsequently it becomes harder for us to connect, in no small part because I am shy. Whereas men, who naturally already regard me as different, are more likely to be captivated by an understanding nature and are drawn to someone who will be kind to them in an emotional exchange; and perhaps they are more likely to be demonstrative about it. Of course there are those people who say that men just want one thing, and that is something that weighs on me.

Personal exchanges are my preference. Starting as a young adult, I got slapped with the hurtful label of being "stand-offish" by those who simply chose to perceive my introversion and reserved demeanor that way, and who didn't look further. (A few times I've heard the phrase "intimidating" used, but I'm not sure I believe that.) Yet, I often have people who rely intensely on me for my unique emotional nature and bond of friendship. I'm not going to act as if this is just some random phenomenon that has nothing to do with manifestations of my internal psyche - it mostly certainly does. Suffice to say, its a strange duality indeed.
 

Aquarelle

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She has a je ne sais quoi that stemmed from a dissonance in how she was and how people perceived her. This made her attractive to a lot of guys, but they wouldn't really express it because they felt a sort of mental vertigo. A kind similar to what a person feels when they meet an actor face to face. You think you know the actor from what they were on the screen, but then their true self comes in and scatters it.

This makes sense to me. I don't know if people treat me oddly, but I've always felt that sometimes people think I'm something I'm not - not necessarily in a good or bad way, just that their idea of me is not quite on. I've also been told many times things like, "Just when I think I have you figured out, you go and do something that completely surprises me."
 

CuriousFeeling

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1) (This one might be answered in other threads) INFJ females: Do people seem to act odd around you? Not necessarily obviously, but that you can tell that they treat you differently than to other people?

I find a lot of people open themselves up more around me. Sometimes the toughest of people soften up with me. The thing is, some of my male counterparts think I'm this incredibly serious and studious person, and they ask me questions about what I know (which is very flattering, I love sharing my knowledge with others), and they go out of their way to make a positive impression on me. I mean, I don't want to toot my horn or anything, but people tend to treat me with extra kindness than they normally would. I think they pick up on the fact that I am sensitive... I've got kind of a soft yet intense expression, which I think probably scares some people into thinking that if they don't treat me right, they're in deep trouble (which they would be!).
 

skylights

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INFJs are curious to me because i feel like there is a lot of "open space" in their personalities - that there is a lot of distance between the persona people interact with and the core person. not distance in terms of difference or contradiction, but distance in terms of unfilled space. both NFJ types distance their very personal selves from others, INFJs especially, simply because they put themselves out there less, and i think it's in that "space" that others project themselves or their idealizations, as fidelia and z buck wisely pointed out. it's also space for the other person to "fill" with themself - as a result, NFJs with good Fe awareness can create a nuturing "safe space" for others to open up in, and NFJs with good Ni awareness can help lead others to where they need to go. as many profiles point out, INFJs can make amazing counselors and advisors.

but then it's surprising because, as a J, the INFJ makes quite steady, decisive moves, which can seem to contradict both that space and whatever people have filled it with, be that projections or themselves. it seems incongruous... although if you are attentive to the existence of that space, it is not. INFJ is a more generally "removed" type too - introverted, off in N-land, good at manipulating social distance because of Fe, idealistic because of NF, and less malleable because of J.

one of my cousins is almost definitely an INFJ, and i feel this with her. i still feel like i do not know her personally very well despite having known her for 20ish years, but i know that she is polite and compassionate, has a quirky N sense of humor and definite Ni-Fe insight into people, is a very good listener, and is good at managing her children. i also had a counseling psych professor who i would bet large sums of money on being INFJ. that "space" was very tangible with him - it was hard to know what he was thinking, and he usually kept a very neutral, professional exterior, but he was very, very compassionate and interested. he actually made me a little on edge because it felt like he was always observing and not really participating - but then, as a counselor and professor, that's his job!
:laugh:

as for INFJs being "different", i am resistant to the idea of any one type being more special than the rest. i think every type has their individual quirks that set them apart. INFJ's quirks just happen to literally set them apart socially even though INFJs are usually very socially interested. compare that to INTPs, whose quirks also set them apart socially, but who are not usually all that interested in society anyway.

but, those are just my intuitions and feelings, nothing objective or definitive :)
 

Fidelia

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Yeah, I also reject the idea that we're any more special of a type. Strangely enough, despite the space that exists, I welcome knowing people and being known by them. I think there's very little greater compliment than someone wanting to know who I am at my core. I just find that very few people actually end up doing that in practical terms. I tend to be very open once I am comfortable with somebody and trust them and I also am pretty warm and welcoming of people once I am sure that they would not feel I'm invading their space.

I think it's definitely true that we outwardly appear much more malleable to outsiders than we really are in terms of ideas and beliefs. We often don't speak out until we feel we understand the other person and until we have an idea of what their response would be to us being more open. If it appears that conflict would result, we would only do it if we believed there would be some ultimate purpose in doing so that would outweigh the negatives and emotional drain.

In another sense, I probably have a lot more rigid boundaries about who I get involved with because I know that once a person is in with me emotionally and I trust them, they have a considerably amount of influence over me.

I think these two aspects tend to confuse people a little bit about how responsive we really are or how we feel about them.
 

Forever_Jung

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Wow, this thread rang very true for me.

I think first of all, this is not just an INFJ thing. I think a lot of people from different types would say similar things, and I find a lot of people tend to feel the way people perceive them is inaccurate.

However, I do think, INFJs would be especially prone to these varying perceptions, since (A) A blank screen lends itself to projection (as was mentioned by other posters), and (B) even though INFJs are stoic and seem a bit blank, there still seems to be something there, like they're holding it back (usually they are, because they're waiting to see where everyone stands socially/value-wise before jumping in).

My ENFP friend hates this INFJ we know, because she mistakes her quiet/aloof quality as being disinterested in what she has to say and thinks she's a "stuck-up bitch" (which couldn't be further from the truth from what I have seen). The only evidence she can provide to support this theory is: "she's so quiet!" Mind you, this ENFP is a bit unhealthy.

In my personal experience I get VERY differing opinions about my personality. I sometimes resent these misconceptions, because I work very hard to cut to the core of other people's being, that when they judge me based on superficial info I feel as though they don't value me enough to make the same effort. But if someone assesses my character accurately, I get very excited. I really appreciate the effort.

The one thing that people consistently get wrong is how they greatly overestimate my intelligence (I have glasses, and am a bit spacey, so I guess that helps). I think a lot of that has to do with living in the Maritimes haha

When I played on my high school baseball team, I was known as "Rain Man", and they would speak to me condescendingly and thought that all I do is memorize numbers and facts alone at home, simply because I have a better memory than them and can perform basic arithmetic in my head. I don't mind that misconception too much though, because when you're in a group of jockish men, it's better to be perceived as intelligent than sensitive.

Conversely, I have attracted a small group of people who basically use me as a free therapist/consultant and think I am some sort of sensitive, ethereal, poet type.

And also a lot of people see me as a self-loathing stand-up comic type. That is a strangely prevalent notion IRL.

All these differing perceptions of my personality make me feel a bit fake. But I just so naturally adjust my behaviour to different situations, who's to say that it's not "real"? It's not as though I am consciously trying to not be me.
 

CuriousFeeling

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It does surprise people that I am into both the sciences and arts. Those who were science majors thought that I was just a science girl, and it was surprising to them that I would be artistically talented. It's the opposite way when it comes to the artists I hang out with, they get surprised that I am into science. I'm not one or the other... I'm both a scientist and artist.
 
V

violaine

Guest
I don't delude myself that every man I encounter is falling in love with me, thats for sure.

When I look at my life, starting in high school, it appears as though I have possibly had a larger proportion of male friends (both hetero and homosexual) than what is average especially in relation to my number of female friends. This is not to say I have anything against women or relationships with them. I typically have a very close relationship with one or two female best friends :heart:. I almost feel like many women might regard me as different from them and/or hard to understand, and thats slightly off-putting to them. Subsequently it becomes harder for us to connect, in no small part because I am shy. Whereas men, who naturally already regard me as different, are more likely to be captivated by an understanding nature and are drawn to someone who will be kind to them in an emotional exchange; and perhaps they are more likely to be demonstrative about it. Of course there are those people who say that men just want one thing, and that is something that weighs on me.

Personal exchanges are my preference. Starting as a young adult, I got slapped with the hurtful label of being "stand-offish" by those who simply chose to perceive my introversion and reserved demeanor that way, and who didn't look further. (A few times I've heard the phrase "intimidating" used, but I'm not sure I believe that.) Yet, I often have people who rely intensely on me for my unique emotional nature and bond of friendship. I'm not going to act as if this is just some random phenomenon that has nothing to do with manifestations of my internal psyche - it mostly certainly does. Suffice to say, its a strange duality indeed.

*slightly tangential to the OP*

This is just like me. I was pretty reserved growing up and whenever I got to know someone better I would hear, "I used to think you were such a snob but you're nice." :-( If you are quiet or detached people just fill in the blanks. Introversion looks like stand-offishness to those who aren't introverted. (And god help you if you happen to also take care about how you look.)

I've never had a problem getting along with men. Men are so easy to pal around with. Women are a different story. I think there is a social pecking order amongst women that usually involves a lot of false flattery and taking sides. I don't like it and I don't take part. I think that makes me seem really stand-offish and disapproving sometimes.

I have a small group of female friends irl and I pretty much stick with them. I have so many stories of being open and nice and sweet just to find out that some woman is stabbing me in the back. It hurts and I am sensitive to it by now. It's usually been because of the person I'm dating. That makes me so mad because then it's like I don't even really exist in my own right. :/ I'm a little mistrustful of other women now and I'm sure that comes across irl, unfortunately.

I wonder how common this is amongst women? I know that my part in it is that I don't pursue friendship with a woman past a certain point, so I'm having the same bad experiences over and over. (This prob sounds slightly odd but the exceptions are the women on this forum with whom I interact regularly. They have made me interested in befriending other women again for the first time in a really long time).
 
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